All I want for Christmas is you.

आंसुओं के भी घराने होते हैं
ना रोने के भी बहाने होते हैं
जो ग़म गीन लम्हों को हँसी में बिता दें
वो लोग बहुत ही सयाने होते हैं 

Refuge

I think I should force myself write again. Or to be more precise, vomit words. Just so long as they come out, really, I don't care what it looks like.
This isn't writing to be read, or even read back.
It's just to allow an internal chaos to stop spinning inside me so violently I can barely stand still. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can get what I want. But it's getting hard to stay, unmoving, and live.
At some level, it feels like things aren't happening. Nothing is moving. I am stuck, and time is passing me by. I am older, uglier, more worthless, more of a failed potential, most likely walking into a catastrophe.
At another, things are happening quickly and I am not sure I fully understand them. I am not in control of a ship I am supposed to be driving. And I am scared I might end up at a place not great.
So this isn't writing. This is escaping from reality. A mere refuge.

Stopgap

When the world is burning
And your home isn't
Complaining about the weather
and switching on the airconditioning
is far too convenient a stopgap
to avoid

Ageing

Several years ago, my mom once commented in passing that watching your children grow old - to the point where they are independent and no longer need your help or opinion for everything - is not always a great feeling. I think I get that. Raising kids from nothing to adulthood is a long habit-forming time when you're completely responsible for basically keeping them alive and well.

But I think the feeling that's worse - a lot worse - is watching your parents grow old.
Slowly, every day. 

The missing bridge

There's a bridge missing
Perhaps never constructed
Between your anger and my silence
Your anger isn't just anger
It's everything you don't say
Or can't
Stress, pain, disappointment
Even encouragement
Hides behind the cloak of your anger
The screaming muffles every voice
But it's still too loud
Loud, at least, for my silence
That retreats and shrivels and shrinks
And walks to another room to cry
And loses its voice
But not its meaning
And therefore all we do
Is wait for time to flow
Or the clouds to descend
So we stop noticing
The absence of the bridge
As always.

The moral dimension

To leadership.
To hard decisions.
To choices.
To life.


#HardToRememberStuff

Love, forbidden

If only they had never met
Or met when it wasn't forbidden to care
If only they had never spoken
If only everything was as easy to share
If only he could bear the gloom in her eyes
If only he didn't move mountains for her cheer
If only he didn't need her to live
If only needing her wasn't so unfair
If only he could help falling in love
If only he could rip his heart for her bare
If only he weren't afraid they wouldn't survive the truth
If only his love was stronger than his fear
If only his arms wouldn't ache to hold her
If only his eyes wouldn't shamelessly stare
If only it was enough to watch her from afar
But if it didn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be love my dear.

Itni shiddat se khud se lad rahe hain
Na jee rahe hain, na dhang se mar rahe hain
Bas os ki boondon se bikhar rahe hain
Daudte lamhon ke darmiyaan theher rahe hain


Ek kal mein ji rahe hain, ek kal se dar rahe hain
Jane itni shiddat se kyun khud se lad rahe hain

#FirstWorldProblems

मेरे जैसों की struggles भी गजब हैं आज कल
जो है उस की कीमत नहीं, जो ना मिले, चाहत है वही
हर चीज़ की home delivery है
purpose  के लिए कोई app नहीं
Ambition है, patience नहीं
Boredom से बड़ी कोई problem नहीं
कभी छोटी चीज़ों से भी घबरातें हैं
कभी किसी बात का भी डर नहीं
Problems का answer भी दारु में ढूँढ़ते हैं
Celebration का भी धुँआ है वही
Knowledge  है, wisdom नहीं
Anger बहुत है, empathy नहीं 
Relationships  हमेशा  complicated ही रहती हैं
पैसा चाहिए, पर पैसे की कीमत भी नहीं
Commitment सबसे censored "C-word" है
Options चाहिए decisions नहीं
बस चले तो हम जीना भी outsource कर दें
इस आसानी से मिली ज़िन्दगी में excitement enough नहीं ।