Why are so many people in marriage mode?

A friend (another!!!) has decided to get married (rather her parents think 24 is late enough to get married) and the suitable boy has been chosen. A casual discussion led to some wondering and pondering, and a series of questions for the liberalised-yet-close-to-the-roots hybrid generation of ours. It so happens that she used to date this one guy in school , for about two years, then another for a year or so in college, and a third for about 2 yrs after college, which got a little serious, but broke off about 1.5-2 yrs ago as well. That, is the "past", nothing wrong with it, per se, for she is looking forward to life ahead with this guy. However, she still wonders about whether and how to clarify her and his past with him before marriage, just to start on a clean slate. Or whether it's best stored in the past?

Now while that is a personal matter and an individual choice, one still wonders how people do it/imagine that they should do it.

• So, were you getting married to someone other than a longtime sweetheart, would you or would you not offer to discuss the "past" of each other, to start afresh?
• If not, what if a few yrs later you come across your husband's ex-girlfriend/your wife's ex-lover now-good friend, would you take it in your stride since you yourself decided to avoid thr graveyard discussion?
• If yes, how much do you want to share/want to know? It maybe OK that your wife had a boyfriend 2 years back, but is it OK that she had a physical relationship with him as well? Or vice versa?

Weird questions I know. Bad timing, to say the least. I don't get any of this/not interested, but with some random bug in the air, way too many people have started getting/thinking about getting married around, and it's getting impossible to sustain conversations. If someone were to ask me though, I think I'd like to discuss and I'd like to know/share things honestly. I guess.

Phew!

It happened to me...

I was walking home this evening, through the same beaten path, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a memory flashed in my head of an afternoon long long ago, when I walked down the same path, sobbing all the way. Out of the blue a buried emotion stirred a little and stopped me in the tracks. Those were the days when I was happily young and comfortably innocent. Having lived through twice as many years of life now than then, I can understand the circumstances better, but the feeling is preserved as-is.

I was walking back from school to an empty home - bro usually strolled in a full ten minutes later; he had friends, you see - after a particularly rough day. A lot of people would find it hard to believe today what a quiet friendless soul I used to be in school, through most of it anyway. Anyhow, that particular day was a summer afternoon, just before vacations, and I'd been at the receiving end of some particularly bitchy behavior by a bunch of girls in my class. The sad part was, these were the girls who lived near my home and I used to hang out with them plenty in the preceding years. They were never "friends", but for a while they were friendly (plus they always needed me for notes and stuff) and I always strove hard to fit in/find approval with their group. There weren't many options beyond.

They were cool, I was not, they were clever and often mean, I always took it in my stride but the wavelength never matched. But as we grew up, they got plenty of attention and 'friends', and I became dispensable enough to be mean to. It had been going on for quite some time, and even my normally forgiving and innocent self was frustrated enough to just cut off ties with them. I had tried making new friends, and asked this particular shy 'new girl' to sit with me, who had been sidelined so far. It was fine, and I thought I'd just move on, but that particular afternoon, somehow, they all had managed to gang up against me, getting the 'new girl' on their side as well and humiliatingly left me alone.

I told them off with a brave face, but couldn't help sobbing on the way back. I felt helpless, infinitely betrayed, and terribly embittered at the 'world'. I was sure you couldn't trust most people, and that the only way to survive and be happy is to be entirely self-dependent and not let anyone come close enough to hurt you.

The vacation was a few days after this happened, and I got through most of it alone. I did try to make friends in the years after, but never got so attached and never found a lasting bond till much, much later.

The funny part is, whatever happened that one afternoon was fairly insignificant in the whole scheme of events, and I later reconciled to a civil talk-and-walk acquaintance with these girls that I still have, but still, out of the blue, it was that memory that came to me. That helpless, lonely feeling, and the vow not to let the world pull me down.

It's amazing how much of who we are and what we believe is a function of our childhoods. In fact, I have a theory that puts the onus of who we become as people, what we believe and how we behave entirely on our childhood, but more on that later. For now, I guess I'd just be glad it happened to me sooner than later.

Drama, and the lack of it

Even though the scoreline read 3-2 to Federer, most people watching would have been full of admiration and respect for Roddick at the Wimbledon finals. Sometimes, winning or losing truly doesn't mean anything to anyone. And that is other than the times when the competition itself is a total farce, the great reality-tamasha on TV called "Rakhi ka Swayamvar" being a good example. You just have to watch the incessant advertisement to realise that the show successfully manages to be a bigger farce, scripted sleazy shocking joke than the very concept of a televised Swayamvar for a real wedding, even the very concept of Rakhi Sawant. The "writers" of the show deserve an applause though, for maintaining the drama of 100 bollywood movies in each episode, and creating suitable "groom" characters. Wow!

Life meanwhile, is wayyyyyyy less dramatic/ interesting. I live a little, work a little, and survive the rest. Staying at home is almost as bad as I had envisaged, but I'm managing for the time being. I'm enjoying driving/working from home, though am not getting any slimmer :( Something or the other keeps malfunctioning, but overall the inertia is high. And oh, a friend got married almost overnight (less than that, actually) and I still cant believe he did that.
Oh, such is life...

Morning drive

In front of my car at six am
She fell on the road
She had legs I would kill for
but no hands to defend
I braked, resumed, drove away

Time travel must-have!

That feeling...

I don't know how many would identify with or even comprehend what I mean when I talk about that feeling...the feeling when no matter how good or brilliant it is objectively speaking, especially to everyone else onlooking, all you feel is inadequacy, insufficiency and a huge sense of underachievement when it comes to yourself. You cannot voice it or share it, because of course you cannot explain/rationally reason out about it and there would be a huge list of things someone else could point out that you have got going for you. You cannot sulk, you cannot be sad, but all you feel is a feeling of frustration with yourself, for being too slow, too stupid, too inefficient, or not being where your peers are, whatever be the reason.

Voicing it out, however, will always sound stupid and almost unreasonable. So I will stop short.

That feeling is a lonely feeling.

Dream diaries-II

Weird dreams are more the rule than the exception with me, but this one was strange.

I'd omit the preceding parts, the ones which I remember, but this is what I said at the end, and woke up saying:

I'm not lost, just waiting to be found.

Psychoanalysis, anyone?

Me-tales etc

Huh

Long time no see.

You know how it's weird that being really wela is almost as paralysing as being really busy, and a lot of things just don't get done at either extremes. Like blogging regularly. But nothing much even happens these days, and my crappy net connection just refuses to go away to be replaced with something saner.

So, I didn't find a useful intern of any sort. Guess nobody finds me of any use, and the company that hired me last December - well, it's still >2.5 months till I start there and I can already bitch about it! Tch tch. However the incredible soaring heat has reassured me that my decision to quit HT was wise. I have been out in the afternoon twice in the last 3 days and it's murderous out there at 46 degrees, doing that everyday for going to an unrewarding work would have truly killed me.
Anyhow, am planning to help out a couple of friends with their startups, 'if' they find me eligible to do something. Wait and watch, some more. If nothing else things can always get plain worse in 20 days with my bro moving out to new college/hostel.

I'm reading weird books these days, like Caster's blog: A geek love story. :P I swear I see so many of my friends come alive in the characters ;)

I've been gymming, hour and a half daily- actually I skip sometimes so lets say 5-6 times a week - but that doesnt seem to do anything to help me lose the extra flab I'd collected over the past year. :( It's so depressing. But keeping on with it.

Tell me someone, what have you people been upto?
I'm bored and lonely.

..but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?
Wouldn't that adulterate the pain?

Nthng

There is very little to say, such is the emptiness.
Not sadness, nor joy, just a void, and darkness.
From life, I take a break, for merely existing
Reality can happen, stepwise, shakily, certainly.
Tomorrow is beyond knowing, yesterday already over
And today, it's not even happening, not in the sun or in the rains
Today is just waiting, for one day it will be, maybe
But at this moment it crumbles, along with something in my veins