Jinxed

My head refused to move. It even refused to think that it wanted to move. Eyes didn't blink, hands didn't shake, and I don't know where my heart was.

There was nothing that I could see, yet everything was crystal clear. Never before have I seen vagueness with so much clarity that I could make out every single particle of the haze that enveloped the ambience, yet held me snug in a moment that refuses to die. An eternity passed in the next millisecond, and lips parted to lend the moment a rare strength, a strength that derives itself from weakness.

Breathe returned, hands stirred; I was cold, ice cold, but slowly convection was making me warmer. A smile, a few words, more nerves, more passion, and an illuminating translucency. It could have been a dream. And then, the lights went off. It wasn't a dream. It isn't one.

The touch proved to me I could still feel. But I knew I was numb, and within a few seconds I was so numb I didn't even know if I was numb. I don't remember anything after that. It was just too delicate to have survived in the junkyard of memory.

And now, the bubble has burst. There is only a tiny droplet that it has left behind. But it is enough to soak the whole of me. Forever. It's abstract again, but this time, I am a part of the abstract too. Not all dreams come true; not all dreams have to come true. Mine didn't. But it wasn't a dream.

It was a moment, a moment that was just meant to be. It was jinxed.

One day@Book Fair...

It's been a strange weekend-good, bad, exciting, scary, funny, sick, lazy and energetic...yes, all of this( why does everything in my life has to be a "little bit of everything"!!).

Anyway, as the title shrieks, I went to the Book fair today for some time. I had other things that had kept me occupied earlier and even later in the evening, so I couldn't spend much of a time, but in one word, the book fair was spectacular. I've been there every yr for the last three yrs at least, but I found this year the best. The collection is simply fantabulous! Also because I learnt a bit of the inside info, and about how the whole thing works, courtesy my uncle who's one of the people organising and running the whole thing(Thanx to him I got 40-45% discounts too!:P ). I could see an interesting and an interested crowd, and like last year, I also managed to climb in a few tanks and radars, and play around with missiles etc, all of which was there because DefExpo starts soon. All those arms are exciting too, and I've heard this yr onwards there's also gonna be some nuclear material for sale. All this means more crowds for the two fairs in the coming days, and if that's any indication of a growing reading habit, this looks like there are bright days ahead.

A few things caught my eye, apart from the occassional glance at screens that showed glimpses of today's match. I was waiting for someone and started readin a small book for timepass. It was called "Why people should cry when you die?" . Some 101 fundas, inspired from The Monk Who sold his Ferrari. I generally dont read self-help/funda types books, but the 44 chapters I read(OK, I read fast, and it's not a huge book) were profound yet had a feeling of "deja vu" associated with them, as if i knew it, and yet didnt.

There are so many things in life we already know, yet refuse to trust ourselves and believe truly unless and until it becomes inescapable and too obvious, or if somebody else tells it to us and rather nails it in. It's a strange insecurity, but very human. Lately I've even given the official post of "Counsellor of Known things". So if there's something you know and still wanna be told so that u believe it, come to me. Not to forget, I charge a very modest fee.
Back to the book fair, I saw some very good Indian writing priced much less than some very crappy foreign writing and wondered why? I saw this amazing illustrated set of books about the two world wars, which had some exclusive, fantabulous pics and a suitable description alongwith. I swear if they use that in schools, nobody would ever flunk a History exam. And yes, I met Ruskin bond, the author there. Spoke to him for a couple of minutes too, and it felt nice. He's very soft-spoken and sounds very intelligent. And then I discovered the one book I always wanted.

Don't ask me what all I bought though. That's a rather sad part, because I was surrounded with so many good books that I just couldn't decide what all to buy, and to buy one and leave another seemed such a grave injustice that I left both(I wish I had lots and lots of money, or else the permission to stay there forever and read everything). I did buy a few things though, but I won't disclose it here. Also because two of them are meant to be gifted. The good part is that I'm going again, whenever I can, before next weekend. I have a couple of extra passes. Anyone wiling to give me company?

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

No Matter What..

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter how they call us
No matter how they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I'll know our love forever
I know no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear god say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine
(the sun don't shine)
Or if the skies are blue
(skies are blue)
No matter what the ending
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
(what I believe)
I can't be what I'm not
(I know I know)
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now, no matter what
no no matter what..
no no matter what..
(no no matter that's all that matters to me)


BOYZONE

INCESSANT DESIRES

ALL SHE WANTS, AND DOESN'T...

I don't want our shadows,

To walk beside,each other in the night;

I don't want the winds,

To bring along the beats, of your heart, to mine;

I don't want to hear words,

That say that u love me more than the world;

I don't want the world,

To look at me and say, I'm your girl;

I don't want your gifts,

Fake promises of forever, or hopes any more;

I don't want to be demanded,

To be desired, or to be adored.

I want our shadows

To disappear within, each other, and the night;

I want the winds

Never to be able to, flow between your heart and mine;

I want word to fail,

And your eyes to tell me, that I am your world;

I want noone else

To ever see me, and 'violate', for I am your girl;

I want your hand in mine

And I'd know it's forever, or I'd live no more;

I want to be possessed

To be absorbed, and to be owned.

Horror-Scope

Everyone has their share of big horrors and small fears in their lives, in their todays, tomorrows and yesterdays. Some people acknowledge them, most don't understand them and quite a few try to run away from them. I haven't yet decided which category I belong to, but that's not something I really care about. Most of the times, I am not an escapist. I have learnt it the hard way that it's far far better to directly face your fears as soon as possible. It takes some guts, but it's something that's really important, and one of the most effective methods of conquering the fear forever. There's a small period of lots of hurt and courage and sweating, but in the end, all goes well. That's been my brave-girl's theory for some time now, and mostly, it works.

But I'd not put up a false show of bravery too much here. The idea is that sometimes, some very few times, I find escapism is a good solution to some problems. Of course, advocates of this theory tell me that it is a solution to most, but I don;t really agree. Postponing troublesome situations as long as possible is not what I can always do, and I don't think I'm equipped enough to pass judgements on relative merits of the two things. I just know that mostly, I don't do it.

What brought me to write this post though, is something far less philosophical, though there can be parallels, and perhaps, far less important too. I was thinking about the almost-universal desire of knowing one's future. Almost everyone thinks about it, and this slow simmering desire of "kash koi bata de exactly kya hone wala hai", the kind that propels millions to read the Fortune-of-the-Day page in DT everyday, exists. Despite the fact that most would know how fraud and untrue, how much of a generalisation it is. It's like a small irresistible sin, a guilty pleasure that harms noone(and pays atleast two people per newspaper publication a nice pay cheque every month. Can I get that job please?)

A lot many people are afraid of ambiguity and uncertainty, and this fear manifests itself in various ways. At one level, horoscope-addiction, palmologist-visiting, and to take it to the extreme, going by the "kundli" type beliefs are one of those manifestations. Infact one believes in them or not, but a lot many just do it for the heck of it, almost obsessively, to satisfy some credulous part of themselves.

I don't. I find it stupid, irrational(and watever adjectioves all sensible people of the world give as an excuse), but then naturally enough I do think about the future at times. And then I think perhaps knowing about the future is not such a good idea at all. It's better to take things as they come. But does this amount to escapism at one level as well?

I don't know, but what I know is, too much knowledge can be scary at times, even though it is a lot of power, but then , power can be intimidating too. And knowledge with helplessness is sheer torture. That's why sometimes I wish my mind blanked out a bit, and I didnt understand things at all. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, and good as it may be, at times foresight is ugly.

That, I confess, is one of my horrors.

All Said and Done

OK. I expect all questioning and reasoning and farewells and welcomes are now over. Let's wrap up the rhetoric and get back to business. No more of why I stopped and why I restarted. I owe noone no explanations.

Right, so with this over let me quickly update with whatever has been happening while I divorced this page and patronised another one. Had the break never happened, this page should have been more than 115 post-old by now. Let me withdraw my self-imposed growth-stintment by a quick post now.

It was a 40-day (mourning??) period where I kept off this page, and somehow it was a very happening period in my life. Because a lot happened, a lot that was indeed life-changing in several aspects and at several times. I travelled, I met a lot of people, hitherto known and unknown, I got to "know" several known people, and "un-know" several known people. In fact, the turbulence is not totally over yet, either do I expect it to be anytime soon, and that is why i believe everything that happens in life happens for the good. It's good I refrained from writing HERE when I was that troubled, and now since I'm better off, I know I can write with clear demarcations of the "public" and the "private", in this diary.

Cut the crap, on to something understandable.
Last sem was a funny semester in many ways, for I met more people than I ever had, did various kinds of stuff, wasted a lot of time, and still ended up with a shockingly decent score at the end. All in all, it was highly eventful. and by the looks of it, at least the first half of this sem looks great too. (By great I mean full of hectic activity, as iIave an overdose of both acads and extra-curics in hand....Oh yes, I hope u know I've turned into a workaholic of late!)
The time just after majors was especially lovely, as I was getting treats on practically every meal for almost a week!!:D(Jealous, anyone?)

And then I had a lovely trip to Mumbai. Sadly though, we couldn't go to Goa.:(
For all those interested, yes I saw some decent guys around[:P], esp at Mood-I, but somehow even Delhi is better!!!!!!!!!

My trip overall was exceptional for several things, and I cannot ever forget it, because simply put it changed my life, twice over, and no, I'm not turning into a full time researcher. The core calculation in my project crashed anyway, and it'll take a few more weeks to come!

Back to Delhi, in a new year that had a lot of promise.
And in the last two weeks, it has been the most unusual semesters, with all kinds of things happening to me and me struggling to cope with them all. Infact I can hardly comprehend the mayhem that my life has become. Finally all courses-and-credits trouble has been sorted out, and exams are so distant that acads is the last thing on anybody's mind.
Meanwhile, I have had the pleasure of meeting plenty of interesting people I always wanted to meet, of late, including Vertigo, Shivam Da, Neha dids, Saras ji, INSANE and Inhas(almost!).

I've also have been on meals and (some really wierd)treats with so many interesting people, that I have a bag full of to-be-treasured moments. All said and done, I wonder how to collect them all in my tiny hands!

People, and conversations, and people with whom I can have a good conversation, always have me hooked. It's all about People-o-nomics.

A Broken Hibernation

I have been jolted out of my sleep, my hibernation.

Yes, I said I'm not coming back anytime soon, even though I'd always loved this page and everything that defines the "Phoenix" part of my identity. I was heartbroken when I shut this space down, but I had to choose between self-respect and this blog, and I chose the former.

This is not to mean that I have abandoned my self-respect, but only that I'm only human. And I care for those who care for me, and others as well.

When I left I was inundated with comments, emails, phonecalls, scraps and all sorts of queries. People asked me not to leave; they implored me to stay, and I cruelly refused. Like nice people, they understood. I was touched, and I was hurt. I wrote still, occassionally, but at an anonymous blog. I still can, and probably will, do that, but something has made me write this post.

This is all too impulsive, but I feel I owe it to myself, and others.

I don't know if anyone liked my writing, or this page, but I know that I have forged some very beautiful relationships on this blog. As for the senseless comments, frankly I don't care. And I never really did. That was just a good excuse to explain my disillusionment. Afterall, I can always delete any comment I don't like. I had my reasons, and I prefer to be silent about them.

But some things in life are bigger than any logic.

A few minutes ago someone asked me a favour, a very old promise, and I can't refuse that person. That person is way too important for me, and I have to keep my word. I will.

Don't make a mistake, I'm not doing this against my wishes or just because of that person. Once again, I have my own reasons.

I know I have lost most of my readers. I don't care if nobody reads this page again, though I know some people who still visit this.

I'll write, irregularly though, for I'm very busy, and also because I'm a little afraid of writing public gossip and public controversy here.

For the rest, I have my fingers crossed.

The sleep has been broken. Hopefully, this does not turn out to be a nightmare.

Meanwhile, this is what Anuj wrote for me here. I swear I'm moved!

Thanx a lot, Anuj!

If I be like [phoenix]

I wont be frequently blue

I would give that happy kiddoo look

And start right away writin a book

I know its difficult to survive

When some fu**ers piss around

But thats how the world revolves

With lots of dogs growling loud

So i would have growled louder

To the one who challenged my anonymity

I would have hit him harder

And wouldnt have taken any pity

But i guess thats not what a [phoenix] is

It grows high and wide

It aint darkness, its a bliss

Pulling up the one trying to hide

So u see its hard to be her .