So, life goes on. The lows of the last post have largely, albeit temporarily, been abandoned by gritty conscious efforts from me. Cool, am I not! Borrowed some energy from the universe and deliberately met people for two days, eating, roaming, doing all kinds of masti possible in this dark yet beautifully lighted-up-in-the-festive-season city just to pinch away from the circle of woes. So even though life is more or less back to where it was, I'm trying not to feel gloomy about it and at least now it's working. One would be stupid to miss a beautiful life getting depressed over nothing. And besides, God has been listening to me a bit. It's finally freezing again here, and this morning I woke up to ice gleaming under the sun again. People who lost their minds a bit in the last few months finally regained their old sensible charm in the lazy December chill. And all my cooking experiments seem to be working miraculously well once again!
So, it's all down to the last exam tomorrow, and after that I'd be officially free...hopefully shopping, a cruise, a couple of parties and all that would fill my time till it's finally time to pack my bags again! Till then, I'm free to worry about WHAT to buy, and also cribbing about having to stop being a teenager in just about 10 days...eeks that sucks!
Ok, now that the crappy updates are done, I wish to write about one of my various theories today. Oh yes, I got many many theories about life and people, and how things work or don't. Most of them are observation based and empirical, and a lot of them make sense many a times. However this one is one of my favourites, and I write it because I want someone to read it (hopefully you will, it's not sugarcoated...)
Right, so here I go. I think/believe that each one of us is at the centre of a number of concentric circles of increasing radii, and all the people in our life -- and I mean every single person --are situated at one of these circles. The closer the person is to us, the nearer his/her circle which means less distance. The farther you go, the larger the radius, the larger the circumference and thus the larger the number of people who could be accomodated on the circle. This means that there could be only a certain number of people who could possibly be really close to you because there is only that much space, and the list of acquaintances is invariably the longest because it's so far away. Everyone has their own circles and circles for everybody intersect at various points but it's rather complicated to imagine so better use spheres for imagination purposes. Also, it's not necessary that the circle number we occupy on someone else's cluster is the same in the vice-versa scenario. Which explains a lot of pain that happens in this world, when we give someone more value than they give us.
The first few circles around everyone are empty, because they signify the innermost reaches of us that our defence mechanisms don't let anyone get to. This is what we call our private space that we value a lot. The number of these empty circles varies from person to person. If you feel lonely in life, it means there are more circles empty than you'd like or you need, and that is when you feel the need of someone to come a little closer and fill in the 'emptiness in your life'. Again, most of us have a limit, and if someone comes closer than that, we start getting uncomfortable and try and push her away a little radially outward.
Centrifugal forces are inversely proportional to distance, and hence the closer the person, the shorter the radius, and the harder it hurts. Similarly, the more this distance, the less it really matters.
So far I always find my theory making a lot of sense at many practical points. I, like many introverts (even though I'm more like an ex-introvert), lived/live within a shell that enclosed some of the innermost circles, and everyone else positions herself/himself at points on the circles beyond, so that no one could hurt me with a force more than I could handle though I had to cope with loneliness in return. Yeah, I knew/know like a thousand people, but that simply suggests that I have many circles in my cluster, and a lot of the people are on the far-off large circles. No co-relation at all with who I really was, or thought I was, what I really felt, and how alone or happy I was.
In the past year, I think I have grown tremendously. Most of all I opened up and came out of my shell, or at least, moved it inward a bit that allowed some people to come closer to me than ever before. Of course that makes me more vulnerable, which is the part I've always hated and still do. A few times, I've felt so vulnerable and weak I wished to rush back to the old shell and push everyone away who's come in. So far though, I've manged to hold on. I chose this for myself, perhaps experimentally. I have given myself the possibility of getting hurt a lot more than I ever could. And I've already had my share of unprecedented hurt a few times. But then, it's brought me more joy than ever before too. More of both joy and the sorrow that comes tagged along.
In short, more of life.
