Female bonding

I'm no feminist, or perhaps I am and I don't realise it. (Feminism, anti-feminism, pseudo-feminism, as long as you think about females at all(other than exclusively in THE one way) everything is feminism) Of all the posts I've ever written (and being accused about) revolving about girldom and womanhood, or with skewed worried discourses about gender or mysterious female characters, this one is (an attempt to be) perhaps the one with least statements/ definite stands, because I wanna actually ask a question I'm expected to know the answer to pretty much, being one of the species myself. It's this: does or can female bonding exist?

It's a bit similar to the oft-repeated "Can a girl and a boy stay just friends?"which can probably be answered only in conditional clausal manners (e.g yes, iff they're both seeing other people) to a certain degree of satisfaction, and yet not with certainty.

Female bonding is tricky, perhaps because females themselves define 'bonding'as something very complicated and overloaded with expectation, while men (I think) can find bonding in the ease of sharing a fag. Female bonding is also fragile. Tiny things and people are hurt, and they break apart. It takes 'n'shopping trips to bond, and a tinge of jealousy (over guys, jewellery (duh), complexion/beauty(duh-uh), marks/career (duh-uh-uh)) for it to break. From the very little I've seen and felt, it takes a lot of effort for women to actually come close and stay close to each other, despite the relative ease of initial stages. Male bonding in this sense is (perhaps) the opposite. And cross-sex friendships are a different discussion all together. But the more I think about it, and esp taking into account the recent events, the less I feel I understand it. I of course have had a few good female friends, still do. I have also seen many many really good female friends and best friends who have stayed together for a looong time. I have also seen such beautiful friendships end with ugly fights. I have also felt the need for a really really really close female frnd smtimes who I could tell everything.

But I still don't understand it? Despite a decent number of friends of both sexes, I still feel so lonely. Can you understand?

The woman's mind.

She had an excuse that night. She was drunk. Or at least, she had had a lot to drink. He had been drinking as well, but was apparently a lot more in control, if only by virtue of adaptation. She, however, was clearly enjoying her state of lack of control, or less control than usual, and seemed reluctant to snap out of it. He looked as irresistible as he did when she was sober, but when drunk, she was all the more less inclined to resist anyway. Some things feel right. Some things are right. The rest are calculable.
Later, people said she was taken advantage of. In retrospect, it seemed fairly obvious too. He got her drunk, he took her, he used her, he threw her, and perhaps, he killed her too. Except that he had no apparent reason to do the latter two. It's highly unlikely that anybody would ever know what happened. We can only guess. I knew her well, so perhaps I can guess better. She loved him, so if she was fooled and used, he did that much before that night. If she was the one who used him, she certainly was a cool bitch who used her death as the ultimate tool to keep him with herself, even if dead. I suspect she really did this. Women's libido is strong, especially for the man she really sets her eye on. It can make her do anything. He had always seemed unsure about them, except that single (or not so single) men rarely deny casual flings with women who fall for them and one could always withdraw just before it's time to commit. He was caught. Between love and lust. And something far more psychotic. I pity him. He might still think she really loved him. Maybe she even did, though I'm not so sure. But I can prove she could have easily killed herself. She had the excuse to aggressively force him for her desire. He had reason to deny concrete commitment, and she was sufficiently crazy to victimise herself by suicide. I can prove that. I'd not let him be punished.
And then, I'd take him. And he'd forever be mine.

Touchwood.

All happiness is short-lived. So is the sorrow part. Essentially, so is life itself. Ephemeral.
But right now I don't care. I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time, and although I know this is short-lived too, the fact that I'd probably never be this happy again, at least in the foreseeable future, makes me even happier. And why not? I enjoy the fact that the smile pasted on my face these days is genuine, and my sleep is being peaceful again. Life's good. Sneha's back, so are a couple of other primary sources of joy. Only mum is a litle ill, hopefully she'd be fine soon.
Till then, I'm out to smile.

Sneha

I have a friend. Or rather, till a month back, I had her. As one of my closest bestest friends. She understood me pretty well. I knew her a lot too. There was stuff we could share with each other better than anyone else, and often with no one else. We were there for each other most of the times when it mattered, and I say most of the times because somewhere down the line my definition of what mattered was skewed and therefore I messed it up. We shared moments, we shared fears, and we shared silences that said everything words don't. We shared a comfort that could be derived from each others' presence only. We shared love in a different dimension, that came both from fighting with each other to listening each others'crap to crying over existant and non-existant love lives and work lives. We were around each other in difficult times. In others though, we were there, around, but often not adjacent to each other...perhaps because I thought physical companionship in normal course of life could be discounted in view of other obligatory role-plays that life imposes. As it turned out, I was wrong. Whatever I did, was labelled superfluous. True, tiny things have all the meaning. And all the time I couldn't spend with her doing other things and catering to other people was counted under lack of intent. I had lost her trust, and that is all that matters. I have lost her now, because without trust no arguments yield anything. I had her for several years, which is why life seems so incomplete and difficult without her. People shouldn't be allowed to come so close. I hate myself for hurting her, because she believes I took her for granted. I know arguments are futile. I know I want to say sorry and start afresh, but I also know I can give her no reason to trust me again than just trust me again. For once, she didn't understand me. And for the first time, she left me alone.

Life seems so vacuous in the last month. Busy and empty. Un-understood once again. But friends, there's soemthing to learn here. People who matter, should not be allowed to go away. Keep them with you, with love and with little gestures that count. Don't allow lack of communication and understanding to ruin the few things that really matter in life...the few pillars of support you have. If you were to die tonight, wouldn't you tell all the people important to you how much they mean? Wouldn't you forgive and embrace? All your friends who we otherwise take for granted because we think they're there. Think, they might not be. Why not live each day like the last then?

When you love someone, show it. Let the person know you value and you care. Tiny things matter. Little words comfort. We care, but we don't let the warmth come across unless major crises occur. I have learnt that what we do everyday has a special meaning of its own. I have learnt your smile means something to people who care for you. I have learnt how empty it feels to lose what you really value because of silly mistakes. She may never forgive me, and I'll curse myself the restof my life. Everyone's loss. All because of me.

So, hate me BUT Learn from me.

:-)

Perseverence leads us somewhere worth reaching, more often than not. That's the first thing to smile about.

And the second is the amazing weather. Raindrops keep falling on my head...

It feels happy within me after a long long time, and inspite of the fact that so many things are still grossly wrong and terribly imperfect, they are just a part of life, and right now Í don't mind them at all. I am happy and I shall smile silently. I am happy and hence I know I shall walk on, even if the road I'm walking on is increasing ly getting darker, and closer to what looks like a dead end. Still, walk on I shall.

Still, smile I shall.

Life still rocks.

Wonderwall

Everyone has a bucket
Filled with drops of pain and tears
Only a few have the sponge
To absorb it with a Love ya in the ears
Yet fewer have feet walking beside
That drink the overflowing bits
And fewer still have the guiding hands
That allow you to carry it without spills
Friends are rare, love is rarer
Luck to retain them is rarest of all
The tottering soul fumbles in the dark
Searching for its wonderwall

QUIT

The one word I used to hate.

Things change.

The only reason why things go wrong...

...is that we have a definition in our head, of what's "right".
Call it a feeling, a should-be, a has-to-be, a need, a moral judgement, fairness...call it what you will...but the point is wrong is wrong only when we have some conviction of an otherwise.
Like evil is evil when there exists some good. And white won't be white till there were black in this world. Wrong needs the right to demand existence. Deny them both an acknowledgement that that exist(evil grin here) and life is problem-free. Whatever happens, passes. Everything works. Everything is ok. And you can smile. Come what may.
So, the problem, my friends, lies in thinking and over thinking. Dont think dont wish dont dream. Dont give yourself a should be, or could be. Accept. And live.
And of course, smile.

And thus, nothing shall ever go wrong again.

Life rocks. Even at rock bottom. ;)

Should nots

People shouldn't dream, at least never with open eyes.
People shouldn't love, at least never hoping to be loved back.
People shouldn't trust, at least never without bing trusted back the same.
People shouldn't hope, at least never with their entire happiness hinging on it.
Alas it stays immensely difficult to remember the crucial should-nots, for these are the things that really matter, these are the things really close to the heart, and these are the things that often break and always hurt.
Terribly.


Some people, at least, should never get glimpses of joy. They forget who they really are and how much they actually deserve to get in all. One day, inflated egos and spiralling desires burst together, in soundless explosions.
Some people, at least, should never learn to hope. Realism is in short supply in this world, and self-created illusions eventually break, and hurt hard.
It's life, and it's nobody's fault. Only everybody's pain. Should not be, right?

I hate shoulds.