28th March 2008

Retired, hurt.



Life happens. And then it's over.



:-)

Reality check.

Just why am I so angry, so upset with life so often?


And why are you?


Honesty is severely underrated, you know. :)
:-)
Jo hai so hai.
Take it or leave it.
In the end it's all about the choices we make( and the choices we didn't make when we should have chosen).


EDIT: This reminded me of this, and one of my favorite conclusions that I ever came up with:

To be really happy, all you want is, to really want to be happy.

Things I learnt today

• Life is hard. Very.
  
• Indian education system is stifling because it was designed to generate employees and not employers. What a crappy excuse.
  
• There actually exist ways to switch on an off parts/modes of operation of you like an electric switch, so you could happily be power-woman CEO at office and homely wife inside home within a minute. Don't ask me how.
  
• One can read blank pages. One may not comprehend them.
• Two jerks in power in competition with each other is more fun than trying to beat the crap out of dealing with one.
• I am VERY insecure about everything all the time.
  
• I am a lousy girlfriend.
  
• I shouldn't live. Really. But I got to. I'm programmed to. :) Or fated. :)
  
• People can say only as much truth as you are prepared to believe.
  

I DO NOT like being taken for granted.

Relationships

An episode in a book, a conversation, a blog-post I read somewhere and a Scrubs episode have all got me thinking over the same thing...relationships. Between two people. And how hard are they. Given all the crap in the social science textbooks that said man is a social animal is true, how hard is it anyway for two people to harmoniously get along all the time. Especially romantic relationships you know, none of them work like they do in movies...two people magically right for each other get together and live happily ever after. There are no forevers in real life.
There is a little competition, a little annoyance, a little adjustment and a little grief in every relationship. And a lot of argument, especially if you're close. Be it your relationship with your siblings, your mother or your wife. It cannot be always hunky-dory, and so often, so so often, inspite of all the love and care we may still have at some levels for the other person, it becomes so hard to live with them all the time and adjust to suit them. It becomes so hard so often in so many relationships to just...see the other side.
And that's why, there's always a little envy involved when you see someone so close to his/her mother or sister he/she could practically share anything with them. That's why there's that pang when you see a couple happy, and then look at yourself. Why do people get together? Perhaps because they can never complete themselves alone, and everyone needs someone to share little moments with, someone to cry to and someone to be reassured by. I have these two friends, a wonderful couple, and here's what the girl says why she loves him...He makes me feel completely safe and totally independent at the same time. He never runs away when I need reassurance. He seems to like me for who I am. I love him.
Touchwood.
You know, couples that are truly right for each other go through the same crap as everybody else, but they don't let it take them down. One of those 2 people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're real lucky. One of them will say something and hold on for both of them, with his/her strength...till both of them find something to believe in.
Otherwise, relationships are so fragile, it just takes one tiny little thing and it can snowball on you, and if that snowball starts to pick up speed God forbid...the shine's off the apple.
Relationships, when they're right and strong, they get easy even if things get hard once in a while. And they end up teaching you a lot of patience, and a lot of humility. I just wish people gave more unconditionally than they do right now. That things weren't based so much on give-n-take. That one could be nice and one could accept someone being nice just like that, without a 'reason'. As doc puts it, I wish people would pay it forward. :)

Aath ka aankda

So...both the eternally optimistic Akshay and lovely Chandni want me to get my eights right. And after screwing two minors big time, the last one tomorrow threatens to uphold the law of inertia, so let me just do something constructive :) instead of killing more time.

Eight things I am passionate about:
Writing
Emotions...good ones...affection, care, taking care of someone
My love
My faith and beliefs
Dreams
Good conversations
My work...anything I love doing, when I do it, I do it with 100% passion
Chocolates, sleep and other such delicious reasons of living


Eight things I want to do before I die (In no particular order):
Write a book, even if nobody reads it
Feel complete
Open a nice comfortable book-cafe
Travel all over the world, small obscure beautiful alive places
Adopt a little girl
Own a fine dining restaurant
Ensure a comfortable life for my parents and brother
Open an event management company and force all my friends to give me the contracts for organising their weddings :P


Eight things I say often:
"Yeah/yep"
"Cuto..."
"So what?"
"You're so stupid! :P"
"Dude..."
"I know..."
"Love ya"
"nothing.."


Eight books I’ve read recently:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest
How Opal Mehta got kissed, got wild and got a life
Satanic Verses
A Farewell to Arms
Life of Pi
Metamorphosis
The Inheritance of loss (reading)
Shantaram (just started)


Eight songs I could listen to, over and over:
Koi Fariyad, Tum bin
Coming Back to Life, Floyd
Everybody hurts, REM
Shaam se aankh mein, Jagjit Singh
Numb, Linking Park
Nothing Else Matters, Linking Park
I'd love you to want me, Lobo
Jab koi baat bigad jaye

**Current fav: Making Love out of nothing at all, Air Supply


Eight things that attract me to my best friends:
Easygoing/Approachable
Caring
Efficient
Understanding/ Perception
Reliable
Passion
Smartness
Strength


Eight people I think should do this tag:
Arpz
Dork
Yashshri
Vibhav
Venom
Oracle
Shantanu
Jeya

That sinking feeling

There's a painful numbness and a numbing pain, both inter-mixed, diffusing through a hazy film of time. One doesn't know what the next moment brings and so one just lies back, unmoving, waiting, trying to feel the numbness, trying to benumb the pain.

The darkness is silent tonight. One doesn't know where it comes from, but one feels it seeping through, and soon one diffuses into the darkness, like a shadow. A shadow that breathes in the soundless night. Silence is dark tonight.

One doesn't know how and why one reached here; one does not know how and whether one would get out. Time is insignificant for once; all matter is a continuum. Suddenly a thought props in, intruding the chaos. One tear escapes. Half a smile is born. It's hard to hold on to the numbness any more. Terror!

That sinking feeling returns. And one continues to float. Unowned.

C.

Shantanu says, take the letter C, write a few words from it and what do they remind you of. And I say, aye aye sir! :P
Here comes:

C for...

• Childhood: Life. 99% of it. :)
• Coincidence: Rest of it.
  
• Care: What binds people together, even in absence of love and affection.
• Confusion: The default state of being.
• Chocolates: Happiness-producing pills!
• Cheeeeeese
• Cyanide.
  
• Chameleon: Amazing reptile, tricky people.
• Cats: Devil in the eyes.
  
• Computer: Your friend, guide and mentor. (I'm so glad computer wasn't the first thing I thought of, otherwise I would have been sure the nerdy disease a lot of my friends have is contagious! :P Wait, Contagious is from C! )
• Common man: The connect between R.K. Narayan and politicians' speeches
• Conscience: The master! The feeble voice that's always right, the only voice one's answerable to, at the end of the day.
• Convenience: Why we ignore conscience.
  
• Constant: Change.
• Change: One of those things you always have when you don't need any.
• Circles: What goes around...
  
• Clamor: Inside.
  
• Comfort: In the arms.
  
• Complications: Me.
  
• Completion: The goal.
• Cleavage: The path.
  
• Coffee: Elixir of life. What you do when you're not sleeping.
• Cigarettes: Enemies of life.
  
• An obscene commonplace gaali! :P
• Cancer

Enough I guess. Tag to whoever wants to do it :) Your letter is the first letter of your blogger nick :)

Gyaan

About five months ago, I looked at what I foresaw for myself in the coming six months, and then I looked at where I stood then, and then I said: Shit!

Today, when I look a little back and a little ahead, all I can say is that Shit, my friends, really happens. There is no other way to sum up the bad parts of this ongoing six month period. The good parts, I'd come to in a minute. If you've followed my blog (and its short disappearance) and thought that I'm a weirdo manic depressive freak, you're not widely off the mark. I've overworked myself and dabbled with extreme stresses constantly so I could push my own limits all the time. I've lost people closest to me and presently all equations have been left free to settle to new, distant equilibria. I managed my acads surprsisingly fine last semester, but this sem I look nothing but screwed. And now into the last three weeks of this madness(plus one more month of after-effects), I still congratulate myself for at least having survived through the worst time of my life...personally, professionally and spiritually, mostly all by myself.

There is a reason I'm letting this box of woes flow on a public domain. There is a catharsis hidden in the clamor my keyboard as I type, and in the knowledge that maybe someone would read and realize and remember that asking too much out of oneself is not a great idea. People should learn to say No, and especially to themselves because after a point you just cannot take any more crap. Four years in this institute I hardly remember an incident where someone would have asked me for help and I refused. Yet, when faced with complete thanklessness and indifference at the end of it all, I have belatedly learnt the feeling of ridicule and self-anger. This is a real world, where anybody can walk out on you anytime, for real or imaginary reasons. So one should not give oneself any more reasons to walk out on one, because when you lose your faith in yourself and your trust and strength, there's nobody lonelier.

Enough grim talk. Having hit the lowest of lows, there is only one way but skyward. And life, eventually, is beautiful, whether one can see that at all instants or not. So in these same six months, I've earned myself a couple more friends who're worthy enough to hazard more trust with, I've managed to pull off the Placement Season as coordinator rather fine(though the chapter isn't entirely over yet), I managed a rise in my CG last semester, our team managed to pull off TRYST 2008 much better than expected, our tech festival, which had run into unprecedented special circumstances that are characterized by their ability to suck all logic, strength, energy and emotional stability out. I managed to make a last-minute sticky decision by not going to US with the IITD delegation under complicated circumstances that I had to take a lot of banter for, from everyone including myself. And yes, I managed to survive insanities and secure the URL for this blog back after struggling for 2 weeks too!! :P :P

So you see, I am the best. ;) (Narcissism be forgiven)

Life's finally begun to slow down, though I have to do a lot of catching up. My body has begun to show signs of wear and tear too, with a constant fatigue and unexplained recurring aches and fevers. But I guess, things can only get better now. Maybe, just maybe, I'd write better again too.

Smile :) :)

Abstract posts-I

Something's there
that stays even after the end
that lingers on, undevoured
on the fringes of existence
making inroads into the past
and the future
hoping to throw you off balance
and score a victory
celebrating it's nothingness.
Something is there
simply by the virtue
of its absence.

It really is nothing.

Back!!!!

Hi all (if someone is still here)

I am back. :D :D :D
Don't ask me why I left, temporary insanity has little justification. And sometimes, circumstances are beyond control. As I temporarily wrote here too, the thing about being a phoenix is that you have to rise back, but also, that it is your destiny to be reduced to ashes every once in a while. :)
Then blogger froze my url, and it took about 20 days and four mails using this very useful link and finally this morning, I got a mail back. Love you blogger!!!!

I'm back for now, and I want to write again, here, at my home.
I feel a little fuller again :)

Love you everyone....