I see a story everywhere.

The eyes they see
Elegant man, gentleman, a married admirer
An old guy, a young lad
Enduring nude grin
Stupid girl drips guilt
The ears hear, set car has a crash
Can't rely on it, certainly not
Listen silent conversation, no voices rant
Love? Violent Tainted date!
The answer wasn't here.
Hey you coward! Why do you care?
I fear to think I'm here
I think, therefore I am.

Kill me.

It is difficult to ask for forgiveness when you are not even ready to forgive yourself.

There's a mixed indigestible taste in the mouth - the bitterness of guilt, the sweetness of pain and the sour taste of what's always been sweet.

How do you prove intent? How do you compensate for loss of belief? Is there anyway to repair that fragile thing called trust in trust?

There isn't.
Things don't always go as you plan. Or as you want. Or as you mean.

Hate myself.
Wish it was simpler to quit living.

On the count of super-meanness leading to self-sabotage...

...Guilty as charged.

Sometimes I am such a jerk.

If only

If only you were not the ephemeral
but the eternity
If only time with you wasn't so little
but an infinity
If only life wasn't a mayhem
but a tranquility
If only you weren't just my dream
but my ubiquity...

Change-IX ?

I have a strong urge for change...an urge to quit everything and go somewhere far away, another country perhaps, for a year or so and live/work/study/do anything there - essentially, make a different life, alone, free from all the baggage and my life as I've known it so far. See if an alternate version of my life can/does exist? See if that makes me want to live, or at least value appropriately the plenty good I've in my life.

Don't know what this means. Don't know what I want.

Beyond-IV

[[I have been trying to write this for many days now. I had actually intended the last part to be the concluding one, but words deserted me. I don't know how this ends.
Or, even if I know, I do not want to write that ending. Fiction is not life; life is not perfect. And telling stories some times take away more from you than you'd negotiated. I write here two versions of reality my imagination. Excuse the fallacies of writing and the inadequacy of answers, and take your pick.

Concluding part. Part 1 here. Part 2 here. Part 3 here]]

Version 1

"...I don't even know if you remember or not that today, the 10th of May, represents the day I gave you my heart, my trust and my life all those years ago. I don't even know if I represent anything to you other than a chapter of the past. But somehow, even after all these months, my heart doesn't believe my head. The same heart you shattered mercilessly that day at the airport. The idea of you not loving me hurts me more than your admission of what you did behind my back. Somehow, something in me believes there was something in your eyes and your silence even that day. Maybe I've gone crazy. My anger and my sense of betrayal have both subsided. Both love and the agony of love have finally deserted me, but peace eludes me. Even today I cannot reconcile to the fact that I didn't know the girl I loved at all, and that one day you just stopped caring. I do not even envy the object of your affections any more, but it hurts me to realize that you'd have to have changed entirely as a person to be what my mind tells me you are now.

I have been thinking of talking to you once for a long time, but I feared I'd break down in front of you because at that stage I was afraid I wanted you back. But today I need to get past this. And that's why I ask for a small favor from you, for the sake of better times.

I want to believe you did what you did for your happiness, and you are better off for it, and then I will be able to forgive you and move on beyond.
If you do not wish to see me or speak to me, just hand over this envelope back to Shikha . I'd understand.
Good luck..."

I read the words several times. My mind was numb and my eyes were red, but the rest of the body was bursting with pain. I had no idea what to do. Jumping off the roof seemed like a smart idea. I felt small and I felt hopeful at the same time. What would I tell him? What did he want to hear? He clearly did not love me any more - was I supposed to give him the peace he needed to move on. Should I just apologize for my mistake and let him decide.
I soon realized I wasn't and couldn't think straight. It was just the kind of times when I needed him, to be able to run into his arms, where he'd make me feel secure, then scold me and cajole me into doing what was right.
I had to let go of the tussle inside me. I got up, opened the door and walked barefoot to Shikha's place, letter in hand.
I knew he would be waiting there.

********************************************************************************************

Version 2

"...aren't you surprised that I still celebrate the day we first got together. Despite how it ended, it was the best thing that happened to me, and that is why every year I'd striven to make it special. But I guess what we had was never special enough for you. You ruined my dreams with a cold betrayal. You changed, without warning.
Before I left for London, I sensed that you were unhappy with the distance and all I could think of were ways to make you happy. That is why I had asked for a permanent transfer to Mumbai and I'd planned to ask you to marry me as soon as I landed back in India, back in your arms. But for once, you beat me with your plans. Your arms hadn't waited for me. I was so wrong...I was not the one you ever needed to be happy. My broken heart felt heavier than the ring in my pocket. But most of all, the coldness of your eyes when I asked you in desperation if you loved me even a little bit - that still sends shivers down my spine.

I was a simple guy. I loved you with everything I had. I tried my best to make you happy. But it wasn't enough. You couldn't be mine. Still, you could have just told me and walked away sooner instead of breaking my trust. Why did you have to ruin my belief in life? You'd never be able to build your castle of joy over the grave of my hope.

I myself do not believe the kind of things I did just to get over you. I drank myself silly, I quit my job and I spent nights wasted at friends' places just to stop feeling the pain. I hooked up with random girls just to see how it felt to cheat on you. But satisfaction eluded me even in revenge. Thankfully, I eventually realized that life was not worth wasting over one bad memory. You never deserved me.
And now, I actually forgive you for what you did. You don't deserve my hatred either, any more.

Between you and me, I have been the one planning every anniversary for us. This year too, I have a plan. I'm leaving India today permanently to start a new life that is not haunted by your betrayal. I'm leaving for you the ring - the burden is not mine to bear anymore. Consider it my last anniversary gift...."

I picked up the envelope - there actually was a ring inside. Shiny, slightly bruised at the edges, but still, almost smiling, with my name engraved on it. I wore it and felt a strange happiness, a strange relief. The tears dried up and the pain vanished.
I felt I could now die.