Haze

In the haze where they merge -
yesterday and today
dream and reality
memory and projection
evening and night
you and me
In that haze I wander
from one shore to another
In that haze I belong
In that haze I wonder.

Credit to SS for the thought - this came out while replying to one of her emails :)

Bits and pieces of a consultant's life: Chapter 2

So, some of what they say about consulting is true. One day in a year you get to live a "high-flying" life. Somebody says the client wants to do the meeting in Dubai, somebody says, "What the hell, you come too", and in a haze, while you generate slides after slides for the said meeting, somebody makes the booking and one evening you find yourself flying with other much senior, darker people in the team (and thanks to them, flying business class, no less). Few hours later, you find yourself chauffeured in a 7 series Limo to a splendid hotel (which sadly enough, is only 5 minutes from the airport). That's the part they tell you - the glamor!
And then there's the rest of the iceberg. Like you spend a total of less than 24 hours (including 4 hours of sleep) in a new country, only seeing the airport, one hotel, one "view", and one boardroom for 14 hours :) And then you fly back, landing at an odd hour in the night, body tired of too much exhaustion, wanting to just sleep in peace. That you didn't get to see more of the city at 50 degrees C is hardly a regret by then. Lots of people will still kill for this job. :)
Or maybe not. But show off of the one good day in the year apart, it's actually been more than 10 months in this job. Thanks to the fact that our joining was delayed, the new batch for this year is already in and we are already the "older", "experienced" lot. Really? :)
I wonder if I've changed much in this time. I wish there was someone who could point out and explain. I would like to reflect what I learnt and what I unlearnt. The collage in my mind has started filling in with memories of the good times and the bad ones. Of crying in a meeting, to the ones where awesome people around made life feel a breeze. Of mistakes made, of misjudgments, of frustration, of fatigue, of excitement. Yeah, I guess I have grown somewhat.

Don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. :)

Ms Lucy says: Habits are good things...

The unsaid
needn't stay
unheard for long

The heart
finds for itself
a heart, to belong

Confusions
may persist;
Uncertainty ain't wrong

Hills and valleys
may shake in quakes-
The base is strong

When you smile
I remember
Life is such a beautiful song

Because there's more to it than meets the eye, but whatever, doesn't matter.

There are few things more gruesome than a clash between an idea and a reality. Neither wins, both get ruined. We say a thousand things, we mean some of them, and even then, meanings change over time. People change over time. Expectations?, those too.

They say, "I understand", but do they? They promise otherwise, and they still do what the world does. Leave. Leave a void.
It's easy to be evil. You find explanations and excuses. You find reasons to be angry, but guilt doesn't recede, doesn't die.

Shall live with this as well. If it is fated, it better be for a good end.

Mad at the world, mad at myself. Mad at the inadequacies of words, mad at the incapability of self.
There is no right thing to say. There is no right thing to do.

There's no Ctrl+Z, there's no Escape. The truth be masked, the void be left alone, learn not to care, and move on. And hope for peace.

Theek hai, sometimes not having a choice is better than having too many. Sometimes not being cared for is better than care you cannot reciprocate.

Sometimes, being someone else is better than being yourself.
If only...

Adios.

Borrowed words

Once in a while you read/hear something that you identify with so much you wonder why you didn't write that yourself. Also, sometimes answering somebody else's questions helps you know something about yourself that you didn't know.

Both those things happened today. :-)
Heard this:
आज तक कायम है उम्मीद तेरे लौट के आने की
ज़िन्दगी अब तक उसी मोड़ पे खड़ी है|


And read this. Below was the answer I found myself writing.

How do I exorcise my grief?
I don't.
My grief isn't evil
My grief isn't a ghost
My grief doesn't flatter to deceive
My grief doesn't boast
My grief doesn't abandon midway
like seasonal love, like the joy of success
My grief doesn't ask for "space" of its own
My grief is mine to possess
I soak in my grief
and let it pass through me
in the darkness of the nights
it helps me get to know me
My grief is my friend
it strengthens me when it leaves
rather, when it hides in the shadows
waiting, till my heart grieves
My grief hears my sighs and screams
My grief embraces what my eyes won't
How do I exorcise my grief?
I don't.

Life is amusing :)