It was the middle of the decade when I started writing this blog, all of 18 years old, always believing myself to be older than what the years stated. It's been almost six years, and just like the life it was trying to transcribe in this public yet often too personal space, this blog has seen its shares of ups and downs. The flavors and the tones have kept changing with the season, but a true companion it has always been, especially in the lows of life. Even so, the dark and the melancholy have overwhelmed the struggling words on this pages in the last year, particularly the last few months. And still, much has remained unsaid and unwritten, only sometimes by choice. It has been that kind of a year.
As 2010 draws to an end, I sit back and wonder- and it is only now at the end of the frantic year that I have taken a much deserved break to unwind and just let myself be - how tough it has been and I should give myself some credit for pulling through it all in the end. Then again, there is no cause to act like a Tragedy Queen. More than anything else, the struggle has been in the mind, and to some extent between the mind and the heart, and continues to be so. Somewhere down the way, I completely forgot who I was, who I am - till one day as I stared at the darkness of the abyss I realized how lost I was. That was the beginning of the end of what had been until then, a journey of reactive living, constantly lowering self-esteem, endless pain and a desperate expectation of help that never came.
Growing up and just coming to terms with life is a harsh process full of rough edges. The choices, the decisions and the constraints. The desire to fit in, the desire to belong, the desire to feel safe and protected. The search for roots, the search for the zenith. The kindness of strangers, the bitterness of relationships. Most of all, the weight of your expectations from yourself. And the constant judgment of what is right, what ought to be, and what is forgivable. The questions, the hopes and the disappointments. Would there be a respite, was there a safe place where one could hide from all of this, am I meant to keep fighting this alone, is there an end. The cold, lonely pillow that unleashes the devils in the night - on some nights it was warmed by tears, on others it was a hard dreamless seat of repressed energy and pricking pains.
I'm not saying the process is over, or these edges have smoothened, or that I know any better to deal with them. All I am saying is I know they exist, I have survived them so far, and will continue to until it is over. Which it probably never will be, but it doesn't feel that scary any more. I think it is because the last year had more than its fair share of gloomy nights. When it hurt so much it possibly couldn't hurt any more. When tears didn't halt for hours, and also when tears simply froze away and were replaced by icy smiles. Also, I lost a lot of people. Some of those I think I did a favor to myself by losing. Some I grossly miss, and regret pushing them away/not keeping them closer. And for some I lost them in the sense I lost the "idea" of who I thought they were in my life, while they really were someone else. The idea remains an endearing void, the reality awaits full definitions. Those losses were, are, hard to deal with. Some, I magically managed to repair though. Residues of pain, strong rage and hurt still remain from the darkness. There're still two days in the year - I hope it will take those along as it goes.
Anyhow, when it gets really low, it starts getting better because it can't get worse. And so, life has started hoping to look better again. Importantly, I have stopped waiting and started doing. By bits and pieces, the journey of unlearning self-destruction and discovering who I really am has started. This blog has been a mirror of my life for the last few years, and intertwined in the reflections of some of the words and the truth of my memories, I find clues and causes, clauses and closures. And there is a calm, of the kind that gives you strength even as struggles continue to surface, mind continues to battle the heart, opposing needs and wants tear up and the mayhem underneath sustains with renewed interest. Yeah, it feels alive.
There were the good parts, of course, to count my blessings. I think by the time I moved out of Mumbai, I had accepted the city as my home, in some way, and it taught me a lot of things worth remembering. I have also now finally managed to find my comfort zone back at home here in Delhi - in seven years away I had quite forgotten my corners of the home. I made a few good friends with whom I shared a few memorable laughs, a few candid moments. I did well in what is my first job, and found much to learn about the world and about myself. There were a few moments of sheer bliss worth savoring around the year. Towards the end of the year, I finally broke the circle of depressive, reactive thinking and accepted some truths, some mistakes, some to-dos. I feel less lonely, even if I am just as alone. Baby steps, but they all count. Best of all, I survived and came out happier, no less.
There is plenty to do. Plenty to renew and rekindle. My friendship with words for one - they have choked somewhere and come out only in blurts and splutters without flowing. The ability to connect with people in ways that mattered. The energy to learn and do well in work and in life. The freedom to let myself just be and dream again. To find love and hope. To find myself. I hope 2011 does not wither away in the burden of expectations. :)
Happy new year, everyone.
Growing up and just coming to terms with life is a harsh process full of rough edges. The choices, the decisions and the constraints. The desire to fit in, the desire to belong, the desire to feel safe and protected. The search for roots, the search for the zenith. The kindness of strangers, the bitterness of relationships. Most of all, the weight of your expectations from yourself. And the constant judgment of what is right, what ought to be, and what is forgivable. The questions, the hopes and the disappointments. Would there be a respite, was there a safe place where one could hide from all of this, am I meant to keep fighting this alone, is there an end. The cold, lonely pillow that unleashes the devils in the night - on some nights it was warmed by tears, on others it was a hard dreamless seat of repressed energy and pricking pains.
I'm not saying the process is over, or these edges have smoothened, or that I know any better to deal with them. All I am saying is I know they exist, I have survived them so far, and will continue to until it is over. Which it probably never will be, but it doesn't feel that scary any more. I think it is because the last year had more than its fair share of gloomy nights. When it hurt so much it possibly couldn't hurt any more. When tears didn't halt for hours, and also when tears simply froze away and were replaced by icy smiles. Also, I lost a lot of people. Some of those I think I did a favor to myself by losing. Some I grossly miss, and regret pushing them away/not keeping them closer. And for some I lost them in the sense I lost the "idea" of who I thought they were in my life, while they really were someone else. The idea remains an endearing void, the reality awaits full definitions. Those losses were, are, hard to deal with. Some, I magically managed to repair though. Residues of pain, strong rage and hurt still remain from the darkness. There're still two days in the year - I hope it will take those along as it goes.
Anyhow, when it gets really low, it starts getting better because it can't get worse. And so, life has started hoping to look better again. Importantly, I have stopped waiting and started doing. By bits and pieces, the journey of unlearning self-destruction and discovering who I really am has started. This blog has been a mirror of my life for the last few years, and intertwined in the reflections of some of the words and the truth of my memories, I find clues and causes, clauses and closures. And there is a calm, of the kind that gives you strength even as struggles continue to surface, mind continues to battle the heart, opposing needs and wants tear up and the mayhem underneath sustains with renewed interest. Yeah, it feels alive.
There were the good parts, of course, to count my blessings. I think by the time I moved out of Mumbai, I had accepted the city as my home, in some way, and it taught me a lot of things worth remembering. I have also now finally managed to find my comfort zone back at home here in Delhi - in seven years away I had quite forgotten my corners of the home. I made a few good friends with whom I shared a few memorable laughs, a few candid moments. I did well in what is my first job, and found much to learn about the world and about myself. There were a few moments of sheer bliss worth savoring around the year. Towards the end of the year, I finally broke the circle of depressive, reactive thinking and accepted some truths, some mistakes, some to-dos. I feel less lonely, even if I am just as alone. Baby steps, but they all count. Best of all, I survived and came out happier, no less.
There is plenty to do. Plenty to renew and rekindle. My friendship with words for one - they have choked somewhere and come out only in blurts and splutters without flowing. The ability to connect with people in ways that mattered. The energy to learn and do well in work and in life. The freedom to let myself just be and dream again. To find love and hope. To find myself. I hope 2011 does not wither away in the burden of expectations. :)
Happy new year, everyone.
