I want to be

I want to be whoever I deserve to be - after I've tried to be whatever and whoever I want to be.

To live a simple, happy life

To live a simple happy life

you need to perfect

one of two arts

either learn how not to want much

or learn how not to hurt much

It's not so easy, however,

because you'd likely not get what you truly want

unless you want it bad

and unless it hurts bad

but then I am assuming

that to live a simple happy life

without much pain or heady exhilaration

You dont even need to get much.

Sometimes I wonder

looking around where I am

how I got here

The people around me

I'm not like them

or maybe I am?

Am I what I see in the crowd

or what I think I see in the mirror

or what I think I think I am

Maybe it is just who I am

when I do what I do

without even thinking or wanting

to do what I do

I'm not that shallow

or maybe I am?

Sometimes I wonder

which way I am going

why noone feels like a companion

why nothing feels like a goal

I'm not really that lost

or maybe I am?

Kasoor

Mausam ke sang badal gayi hain agar
Chahatein tumhare dil ki
Rang to akhirkar jahaan mein kayi hai
Tumhara kasoor kya hai
Rang jeewan mein sab ko hain pasand
Aur chahaton pe zor chalta nahi
Chahatein to mann mein har pal umadti hain nayi
Tumhara kasoor kuch bhi to nahi
Par yoon to na dekho nafrat se mujhe
Main to khadi hoon aaj bhi wahin
Bhula sakte ho kya har pal har ehsaas ko
Patjhad ka purana mausam hi sahi
Shayad asaan hai ateet ko bhul jana
Par mere to aaj mein ab tak ho tum hi
Maine to bas ek mohabbat hi ki hai
Mera kasoor kya hai

Confusion

First up, apologies for the few who have missed updates on this page the last 3 weeks or so. And apologies to everyone who is looking for a follow-up of the fairly confusing previous posts -I promise there's a story to tell, and I promise to complete the Camouflage drafts currently lying on blogger, on my phone and in my head. But not now, not today.

Today is the day to ramble and wonder without much purpose. This whole purpose and meaning quest is an overhyped one, methinks. "Be yourself and follow your dreams" is great to hear and probably great to do, but what do you do when you don't really know who you are and what your dream is. And since you're a confused, lost soul scampering about for some elusive meaning, and that's who you're also encouraged to be, there's bound to come a point where you go whatthehell. Read this for more. Anyway, what choice do we have sirji.

So anyway, my own wandering and questioning took me last month from consulting to investing. For a while it felt like nothing had changed. There I was, on a morning flight to Mumbai, talking about same old stuff with someone I've known for more than 6 years now. Cribbing about morning flights and airline service. Looking for the driver at the airport holding a placard of my name. Only this time, the company name was different. And since then, it has been starting from scratch all over again. Finding my place. Finding new people. Being judged. Finding comfort in my own skin. Trying. And wondering whether I like it. Wondering where I'd end up. Wondering how. 

Life makes me want to live in a limbo. 

It's too early to look for answers anyway. I'm only looking for questions. And hoping.