I'm IRRESPONSIBLE; Everybody is responsible for me...

Somebody tell me..tell me tell me please, that what afterall do they want of me?
Aakhir chahte kya ho logon...ichha kya hai aapki? Maksad kya hai aapka?
Ho kaun aap?

Exactly the question...who are you?
Truly speaking, nobody..because nobody owns up, but everybody does...When 'everybody' is responsible, then actually 'nobody' is responsible, because it could be anybody, but everybody assumes it's somebody else.
No, I'm not being cryptic.
This is a fact.
Everybody is asking themselves, and their respective solitudes the same question these days...because we are all feeling lost at some level in a world that has EVERYTHING, yet increasingly, NOTHING.
Cheezein kitni asani se pointless ho jati hain?
For the last three days, this link has been doing the rounds, and everybody seems to be surprised/shocked/angry/hurt/scared/outraged by this, and quite rightly so. Except the media perhaps, which is shamefully enjoying the controversy, and encashing the scoop. Sure enough, TOI sucks, but worse, the attitude, their and ours, SUCKS.

We feed the media, and media feeds us...We all eat crap. The only difference is that they get paid for this!

Yes, what happened with the student was unfortunate, and as BD rightly pointed out there has been too much of unfair and traumatic publicity. At one level, you cant help but call the student foolish-you cant deny both his fault as well as weakness that led to the suicide. Degree extension is not such a rare thing! Yes it hurts, but he should be strong. Worse things can happen in life, and it wasn't as if none of it was his doing. But that's not what I want to get into. No, not even the media. I'm in too caustic a mood to give them a fair hearing.

I'm fed up with THE MESSAGE that comes out of episodes like this.
Think about the common man- the layman whoknows nothing about IIT system except what he reads in the newspapers. He's now been presented a picture of aj ki bigadti hui generation yet again, with amazingly foolish soundbites from some profs, and a convincing representation of how IITians waste public money on ONLY useless surfing in the "best" institutions of the country.
(I am wondering how much time is it now gonna take for IITB admin to shut down their LAN; they already did that here some months back, so maybe now they'd remove internet access in hostels or something like that!)

Ritesh has very rightly pointed out the futility of the attendance rule.
At one level, it's not totally stupid, because there are enough lazy careless people around who would never attend a class if they didnt HAVE to, and the 'academics' would really suffer. Their argument is that someone who's intelligent enough to be in any college(inc ALL COLLEGES-it's not easy to enter anywhere these days), will, if made to sit in the class, grasp something and learn something.
But thats where the imagination stops...because be realistic, kitni classes hum sab sote hue bitate hain. We're experts at sleepin with open eyes! Mental presence is far more crucial than physical presence. So while there has to be an effort to ensure attendance, this is NO WAY fof implementing it.
I have a prof, no I have so many profs, who just can't TEACH. They know their subjects all right, but teaching is a different art...
I ask him a doubt, he'd "appreciate" my question and give a 5-minute lecture answering something totally different.
If 'he' can't understand my question, how am I expected to understand the ones that he asks in the examination!!?!?!

I think this is class-class ki kahaani now!

To ismein bachon ki kya galti agar woh class na jayein to?
Still, we tolerate, we go to classes, but it's impossible to expect us to attend ALL of them..
Tuition fee is the amount you pay for per-semester torture services!

But life ka stress level to dekho koi..
Class, oops torture jhelo....exams assignments etc crap jhelo...parents ki suno teachers ki suno, and friends ki suno.
Aur masti bhi to karni hoti hai na bhai!

Plus this age is such that distractions, anguishes, confusions, experiences, desires, love and hatred keep coming and going.

Then people say awareness and general knowledge is important for "personality building". For that it's back to "media-devtaya namaha".
Result: Itni confusion ki sab kuch swaha!!!!

Thats why I want to ask...Who's made these rules? Why is our life no more our life?
Arey hum bhi padna chahte hain, but dont make this so tough that we kill ourselves!
IT'S A FACT THAT IF THE PROF IS GOOD, HE NEVER EVEN TAKES ATTENDANCE IN THE CLAS, BECAUSE PEOPLE ATTEND HIS CLASSES ANYWAY. YES, THE SAME CARELESS IRRESPONSIBLE HACKERS. WE GO TO A CLASS WHEN WE REALISE THE TEACHER IS INTELLIGENT AND CAN FEEL OUT PULSE. WHEN HE TEACHES PROPERLY, WE WANT TO LEARN.

But the 'them' of the society wants to kill my interest in learning. They are the ones who give me alternative distractions to kill my time with. Then they tell me I'm the cream of the society which is rotting. As if they were never students themselves.
Student population is a lot of energy personified. They waste them, or they confuse them, and then they blame them.
Parents bhi daantenge, teachers bhi.
Aur friends ke funde to awesome hi hote hain.
Us par ye "chandan sa badan, chanchal chitwan...."

Koi kare to kya kare!

We can't do much about the media, except sop giving it what it wants..publicity, and TRP(& equivalents).
We can't do much about college admins except HOPE that they'll understand.
We can't do much about attendance rules because we dont want to fail, even if we like to.
We can't do much about the inter-hostel LAN that officially doesnt work.
We can't do much about the peer pressure. There's nobody to point out.
We can't do much about profs who cant teach...except pray that they take VRS.
We can't do much about our age and our parents and our disractions. These variables cannot be altered.
All we can do is perhaps crib and complain, and then be dismissed as aj kal ki useless generation!

Gosh..I never felt so powerless.

But there's one thing I'll do. In my tiny act of rebellion, I'm NOT going to class tomorrow morning.

Inquilab Zindabad!!

Still Smitten...

I SUGGEST YOU READ THIS ARTICLE BEFORE THIS ONE...IT'S EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THEN...

Hours, days, months, years and semesters...and still the same voices. His same voice, and the same ease with which it rides over and above the din and reach my ears somehow, every single time. Almost every single time, that is. The noise of his breath, the screams of his soft footsteps, the clamour of the same old keychain in his hand, and the same eyes I can never-dare-look-into. The same him, the same me. And the same nothing. Just the voices.
I think I'm slowly turning deaf now to every other sound wave of the universe. These noises are maddening. I dont know what I want, except...
They say time is a solution to many things; it knows all and tells all. But I doubt it. Because I find even time to be helpless and stagnant when he's around. Time doesn't move, talk, see, hear...and everything freezes. Is time really powerful then? I hope yes, and if possible, let it leak into him, into his blissfully ignorant world, and let him know what I never manage to utter.
He was sitting next to me today. chance? Luck? Fate?
Perhaps..but only if something had happened! But anything-happening is defined as any-change occuring over a period of time. And here, time does not move. so the any-change, if any, is insignificant as well. Just like me.

I tried being worthy of him. But I now realise that all my so-called intelligence, dynamism, thought, planning, calculations, forethought, know-all-ness, credibility, belief, self-assurance- EVERYTHING- comes to a nought when it comes to him. I tried to be 'somebody'; everywhere else and with everyone else, succeeded to intrude the reals of existence and co-existence to some degree at least, but I could never intrude his space. such is his power, his control over the parameters of his existence and co-existence that I cannot even salvage any shreds of pride from the hope that some day he'd feel guilty about crushing my ego so cruelly today by a total refusal to acknowledge me-because he doesn't even know, and doesn't even care!
He was sitting next to me today, and time stopped. For the next thirty one minutes and twelve seconds, I could not move, listen, or talk. Perhaps the crowd around was still cheering for their hostels, there must have been applause and hootings, my friend sitting next to me might have said something to me, or attempted to restore the chatter we were into before I fell silent, perhaps his animated conversations with all his friends alluded to me as well, perhaps he.....ah, I don't know!
I just don't know what was happening till the hall was flooded with lights and celebrations , and everyone disappeared. It feels as if someone just stole a slice of time from my life; he has stolen a slice of my life itself. but still I feel guilty lke a thief would!!
My friend told me for the thousandth time that I'm foolish, that I'm totally incredibly inexplicably smitten with him.
I'm still struggling for the right word.....

CURICULUM VITAE

Does anybody know oneself? Naah, I don't think so. I believe there are two versions of us-the people we are, and the people we think we are!
Actually there's a third too sometimes, the people we want others to think we are- the kinds with which we decorate Orkut profiles, job resumes and the like...
Anyway, no further discourse here. I got to write twenty things 'about me', that's Anuj's tag, and I wish to be honest. At the same time I am scared of saying too much, or too soon.
Let's see how far can I get....

1. I'm known here as Phoenix, but I go by several names at several places. It's almost an infinite list...Mystery, Laddoo, Chuhiya, modak, True, tomato, Dee-Dee, Jhad-Jhankar balika, Sadu, photon...there're just too many. Kiddo is one of my favs. It's been one year now since this name was kept, by him on Orkut, and then it became a part of my real life too!

2. Blogging is a favourite pastime, almost a passion. (I know u know this!) It's fun, and a good outlet for whatever crap I wanna say. That's why these pages are full of nonsensical posts.

3. I need expression. I have to express myself somehow. Even talking to myself, or thinking to myself is expression for me. Coherence is a pre-requisite. I love my diary, public and private ones.

4. I like writing, esp in the middle of boring lectures, and I like reading as well. People feel I'm opinionated and aggressive. they hate me. I love them.

5. I'm confused about myself a lot, because I find myself being both a kid and an 80-yr-old interchangeably, and frequently. In the middle of it, I get lost perhaps...or maybe THIS is wat I'm. I hope this explains the confusion, but theek hai, I'm just a kiddo...:P

6. I enjoy thinking, and I love intellectually stimulating thoughts and talks. I like studying people. Nothing whets my appetite more than a good conversation. A discussion, an exchange, a healthy argument, and insight, a perspective -that's all I need.
Don't call me greedy. I know I am.

7. I don't know what I'm doing in engineering, esp IIT. and esp esp my branch. I dont know if I even deserve this. I won't say I hate all this, there is just too much to love to even begin to think about hating, but I often find myself a misfit.
A senior once told me if one doesn't know what to do after school, then it's not a bad idea to get into engineering if u can. It's so useless, yet not a bad place to live, to learn, to decide or to use as backup.

8. Several things intimidate me. Several people as well. Most of these are people I like or respect. Sometimes close friends/admired strangers are scarier than all the Gabbar singhs of the world. I am afraid of losing people I like. I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being loved.
None of this is without a reason.

9. I'm a hopeless optimist once in a while, but mostly I'm a bigtime pessimist, though I'm one of those who like to call themselves 'realists'. Pretty dangerous breed for sure!

10. One of my basic philosophies in life is that I want to go back to bed each night not-feeling-guilty about anything. Whenever I have to make a decision, I think and decide whatever the 100% of me feels is right. If I cant convince myself 100%, i don't do it. Once I do, I stick by my decision.
I know a time may come when nobody would respect my decisio-it might be horribly wrong-but once made, I need to respect and stick to it.
I hate regretting.

11. Some people call me 'deceptive'. I'm still trying to figure out what that means 100%. also if it is any good or totally bad?

12. I enjoy talking. A lot of people call me a chatterbox! Has to be genetic!! Though I don't really mind it. I say(show-off?) proudly that soem of the biggest introverts talk to me comfortably very soon, and quite a lot. I strike rapports fast.
I was once a big time recluse and introvert. Three years is such a long time.

13. I like smiling. It is a great cure. And I like people who smile. I also like guys who blush. And gals who are warm.

14. I respect time, and I want everyone to do so. Especially others; time. I hate being late. People should value punctuality. To divulge a slight-secret, in general, gals like guys who respect time, talking on a generalised scale. If u wanna get your gal, never make her wait too much. that's negative points!

15. I like making friends. And keeping in touch. One effective way for me to do that is remember everyone's burthdays etc, which I do, and wish them. It feels very nice.

16. I'm in general very stupid and very wierd.(a wierdness test recently clocked >99% for me!) But then, everyone is a little wierd anyway. Even if I'm an accentuated person, so what.
I think I'll end up in an asylum soon!:P

17. I know that I'm a big time psycho. Sometimes I freak out, and then do crazy things. I am a masochist too, though not a sadist. Anyway, let's not detail the psychotic harkatein here.

18. Yes, I have amazing, stupendous, huge, wide-ranging, quick mood swings. All girls, did u say? Do u know me? Think.
I know it's a whacky thing to say, but theek hi hai.
Though I'm trying to 'stabilise' with a low-to-moderate level of success.

19. I like adventures, music, dangerous things, observing things, debating, poetry, dramatics, WORK.
I hate to sit idle. I like keeping myself occupied all the time. I need work I enjoy, even for trivial things like studying i don't enjoy and that still need to do one night before the exam-it's a simple funda:
If u can't do what u enjoy, start enjoying what u do!

20. I dont get angry for too long, if at all, unless,..ego fight ho samne wale ki
I dont really hate anyone or anything. Thats too strong a word...but whatever!I dont like this habit, TOI, Kareena, etc etc.
I want to LIVE....till i Idie.
Hopefully soon.

Through the Looking Glass..

I am wondering whether it is possible for me to explain/allude to a theory here without it being automatically interpreted that the content matches with my personal opinion!
I seriously hope so, because in the following paragraphs I'm going to explain about two theories I've recently come across, and find them fairly interesting to give them a thought. But infact, I'm reserving my own opinion over these, and please treat the following as NOT IMHO. That said, I'd love your opinion, if any, on the same. A good discussion whets my appetite!

The first one is the GAZE theory. Follow the link to know more, but anyway, the conventional version of this theory deals with the 'male gaze', which as the name suggests deal with the men gazing at the female body- sexually or otherwise, and there are feminist version as well! I'm not going into the 'social politics' and psychology of sexual gratification that goes behind this( Wikipedia and this link(minus the 'illustrative' pics) have fairly interesting information to offer). I was thinking on another aspect, which was highlighted recently by one of my teachers in her class, which is that the whole psychology of 'male gaze' seeps throught women and women look at themselves through the male gaze!! If you've heard this for the first time, read on, because it's interesting.
What I'm trying to narrate is that because men look at women in a certain way, and there are certain definitions and perceptions of "desirability" of a women vis-a-vis thow she looks, women themselves( Freudian inferiority psychology?) look at their own bodies and apparel from that point of view, so as to be deemed "desirable" and acceptable!! That is why something like a James Bond movie, so obviously intended for a male audience with all the action, sex and women, also caters to a female audience at an invisible, sarcastic level. This is not to suggest that a woman would derive pleasure out of staring at a nude female, but there's a psychology working at another level. I hope u understand, for I don't wish to elaborate!
Interestingly, a converse theory of this is also doing the rounds, but the abovementioned links would give u a fair idea.
Anyway, please remember none of the above is my personal view or comment on the topic, and the same's true for what follows.

The second theory deals with the importance of looks! Though I already wrote a post on a similar topic once, that was my perspective largely, and this is not. It's interesting still, because, to be very brief, what this theory suggests is that the conventional/ancient/forever-present funda about 'looks' being an important criterion to judge a person was, at lst in THOSE times, justified, because it is said that the perceived beauty of a person(men AND women, though more for women perhaps) is directly proportional to the fertility of the individual! And since it was desirable to have a life partner who will be great at procreation, looks became THE criterion!
The interesting view is if u think about today's times and discuss the applicability. I don't think anyone would prefer a women who can theoretically bear 8 children vis-a-vis someone who can bear 5 or 6, because who can afford that many children anyway! Secondly, is the continuation of a generation still that decisive an issue? And thirdly, IF this theory is true(I have serious doubts but still...) shouldn't we actually ask the Family Planning Commission to take up a programme which glamourises marrying the ugly!!!!!!
Unless it hurts the cosmetic industry too much..............
:P

The Last Remnants....

CONFESSIONS!

A dainty spark adorns my eye.
The colour doesn't even leave my face.
How come you haven't noticed yet
The demure smiles that my lips do grace?
I know you know, and I know you pretend
That you haven't a clue of the mysterious charisma
But even this knowledge is all the more cute
To the magic that fills every second of my present
With suspense and drama, romance and thrill
& to the hope of a future that I see on your face
I sure would have been dead, if looks could kill!
Springs live in my feet, monsoons in my eye
While you turn on the heat, I despair for autumn
But still you continue to play hard to get
To mock at my despair, naughtily, so often!
Ah! You sadist! You derive such pleasure
when you see me writhe in love and longing
But it's OK still, if that's what pleases you
If that's all I need to do to see you every morning.
In your outstretched hands and arms spread
In your tender gestures of affection and care
In your heartbeats loud enough for me to hear
In your faintly mumbled expressions of "I'll be there!"
In the touch of your hands and the blink of your eye
You say it, your way, what our lips quiver to voice
But the hearts have already heard the unsaid.
Like everything else I know this too-trust me, Mr. Wise!
That's why this smile, this joy doesn't leave me
That's how this magic has covered my world 'blue'
You may still choose too hide and to pretend
But today I accept - YES, I love you!

JUST KID(DO)ING....

One basic fact: the most basic, ultimate thing we all want in life is 'happiness'. There are several definitions of this happiness, and there are joys big and small, enjoyed and overlooked, derived and snatched...but let me not go into that right now. This is supposed to be a fun post, and I'm supposed to be, er, well..just kidding!

It's amazing, if you think a bit, how little it takes to be happy most of the times. It's all in the mind they say! But what's even more intriguing is the all-kinds-of-stuff we all do 'just for fun'. Somehow the most delightful memories, at least for normal people, reside in those light fun moments which we spend playing pranks, teasing each other, pulling someone's leg, laughing aloud, being on adventures etcetra etcetra. It's an endless list, and invariably reminscing about the innumerable instances makes me smile.

But there's also one pertinent question that remains conveniently unanswered and ignored: that how much of something is really 'fun', and where do we, if at all, draw a line? I ask this because there is a list almost equally long of fun-instances-gone-wrong...where things become a bit too much, where it doesn't really stay 'fun', atleast for some people, where the idea of fun is reduced to a certain sadistic pleasure of enjoying at the expense of others, which is a thing we truly realise only when the 'other' is US, or where misunderstandings, fights and physical or mental injuries creep up in something that really was 'meant to be' for fun; worse still, where the fun-for-us is outright demeaning, insulting, or morally violating for somebody else, and we do it either because we don't care/realise, or because we are rather confident that the other person doesn't 'know' about this!!!!!

(There are the PRANKS that can scare the living daylights out of someone. And of course, there are the infinitely bad PJs that are fun to us, but whoever is our listener can freak out with headache. Do we stop at that? Not always...but is our definition of fun getting all mixed up with sadism?)

I'm not saying that there's anything bad in having fun, or enjoyin life. That IS infact THE AIM of life and of living. Come what may, smile u must! It has to be a constant endeavour to look for fun in simple, small things of life, and somebody who can have-fun-and-be-fun indeed has the most successful of lives in the real sense. But there is the whole moral thing again-IF one cares to care- because eventually we all live in a society with other people around, and therefore tolerance and respect is essential. Howmuchever fun it sounds to the damn-care parts of ourselves, we CAN'T really say and act on the belief that my fun cannot hurt somebody else, because it is not intended that way, and even if it does- so what! One has to be mindful, respectful and a wee bit careful. One man's fun can't be another man's agony.

But then, inspite of the fact that we all realise this, how many times do we err!!:(

It's OK to some extent within friends, as long as we are sure that it is not taken to-the-heart, because it's mostly a fair game, and we all have days when we are the laughing stock, so that it does even out(unless u r damn clever, or bossy, or damn lucky...but I feel even that is not much fun!:P) But there are limits at several places, and we should know them.

Not exactly on the point, but just to quote an instance, a few days back I was browsing the IIT LAN, and someone had put up a few pics from IITK's recent fest where our team went, calling the folder IITK_mein_photography_studapa. soem of you might have seen it, but for the sake of everyone, let me tell u wat it was, though I feel 'cheap' typing this: it had afew pics of some girl, taken from the top view, if u know wat I mean. Now I'm sure it was great fun for whoever took and saw and enjoyed those pics, but just think once, how violative an act that was, if the girl knew that? Would he have enjoyed the same had the girl being his sister, or mother?

Sorry if this sounds accusative or feminist, I am just trying to highlight how misplaced our definition of fun can be. Maybe u feel it wasn't a big deal because the gal wd probably never know. Fine. But that's not the point. It's about setting the stds, drawing the line.

Sigh! Why do I always get all worked up with my posts...soooo digressive!

Forgive me, I'm just a tiny kid who knows nothing..ur own stupid kiddo!!:D

Anyway, this post was meant to be for fun..so if u have time, check out this fun link.

EMBRACE

A creep.
Agonisingly slow, yet tangibly quick.
The shadows continue to creep onto the night, to grow upon a wasted, scared body lying invisibly cloaked in its own smugness at a certain forbidden corner.
Darkness is supposed to hide the dark and blur the gloomy, into a state of an almost non-existence, into the security of a fallacy. But there are a few gruesome myths that darkness inflates and accentuates, like shadows. And that is why, despite the darkness, they continue to grow conspicuously upon and inside him, where they evanesce into another far-more powerful, resident darkness.
The creep continues to tantalise.
While shadows percolate the pores in time, and darknesses pour into each other, the body writhes in the pain of rejection and oblivion. The forbidden corner is both uninhabited and overpopulated, both aloof and chattering and currently it is intruded by blood, alien molecules and a bereavement of speech.
And the deafeningly silent noises of a certain pair of approaching footsteps.
They didn't kill him, because they couldn't kill what really was him. What they wanted lies between his two legs, actually beneath, but he wasn't going to 'speak up' even if his throat wasn't this alien to voice. His personal darkness was too powerful. Weakened by an invisible yet allied force, all they managed was to cut off his eleven 'fingers' and throw him in this forbidden corner alone where shadows and darknesses grew into his disgraceful existence of both the present and the past that now creeps upon him. Wounds, visible and invisible, suck an undeserved life out; time seeks its revenge and sucks his self-esteem.
There's noone, yet now the approaching footsteps are almost-audibly close.
He seeks redemption, he seeks escape. But life has to be just to him; actions need to be paid back for.
Death comes, but minus an embrace.

RESIDENT EVIL

DISCLAIMER: I feel funny saying this but I need to spell this out. Whatever I have said in this post is purely an opinion, my honest opinion, probably stupid, extremely foolish and perhaps as irrational as one gets. But then I'm stupid, foolish and dumb, and that in no way stops me from having an opinion, and expressing it, at least here. BUT pls I do not wish to hurt anyone, or anybody's sensibilities. I beg for tolerance, and if that's not possible, pls ignore me as an inconsequential bit of scum, Thank you.

Are you religious?
I know this is a fairly dicey question to ask, if not outrightly absurd, but I really wanna know this: What is religion? And what is being religious? Also, what is, if at all there is, any difference between the two terms?

Of course I'm talking in the Indian perspective, mainly because that's what I'm really familiar with, but I'm NOT talking about any particular religion, in that sense of the term, at all. I refrain from elaborating on any one perspective of what I essentially call Faith-with-a-fraud-name, and let's not mix my views with anybody else's. I respect yours, and I just want a little space for mine.
Because I feel I'm a fairly confused youngster, who hardly understands life and some of the more important things there are in it. Maybe I will, with time. But currently I'm restricted with a narrow perview on most things, and I shall speak from what I observe and feel. Because last week, I suddenly felt I'm not the only one who feels lost and confused, and basically un-belonging, when it comes to domains like this. what is religion? what does being a Hindu, Muslim, christia, sikh or Parsee mean to us, or to the little kid who is growing up in a strange world where he's expected to embrace several things as HIS realities even without a choice or an understanding. We are told about religion, we are told that this book is holy, that this idol is of somebody with this name and this legend behind it, that this place and these places are holy, that these days are sacred, that these set of things demands respect, and that this defines you to the world. Even as I type this I feel again that it is a fairly strong statement to make, but isn't it then a fairly strong fact we accept as a part of our existence extremely conveiently.
I don't know what I'm getting to here, so I'll get to what brought me here. It was Diwali and Eid recently. Both are important festivals in India, and fairly significant because I feel I can use them for generalisation. Sitting in the Puja at Diwali, I feel slightly ashamed to admit that my mind was wandering a lot, away from the ritual. But there it is, I don't even know why I feel ashamed. Probably because I've grown up with something that tells me that I SHOULD. But at some level I can't connect with it. I feel helpless saying this but I always find myself arguing this to myself:

I'm not debating about the existence of God. It's essentially a question of Faith, and belief, and I don't find anything wrong in believing, or not-believing for that matter. It's highly individualistic and subjective. I can't profess strong belief in God, neither will I say I'm an atheist, but if one believes God exists, then God exists everywhere. He doesn't live in a temple or a mosque. Neither does HE demand ceremonies and "visible respect", and puja with certain things and foods. Do we remember God, 'only', or 'more', at certain days? Then why the farce of the "ritual" exercise! If it's purely ideological, how can we pas on ideologies to an individual who's only a kid yet as THE ultimate truth. Aren't ideologies 'adopted' BECAUSE we believe in them?
God to me is a faith, a self-moral-policing, an attempt at rendering FORM to your conscience, irrespective of what name we give this. It's an acceptance of superiority to thyself, and respect. We call certain ppl gods, and equally often. Gods do fall for us. Coming back to the religios sese, there's of course nothing wrong in the way this form is expressed and perceived by people, I'm nobody to decide that, but I'm sorta disillusioned by the whole thing. Yes, I accept I've been to temples, churches, gurudwaras and mosques-I don't know why, but maybe because my parents took me there, because I like the PEACE of these places, and I like the beauty of these places. But commodification and commercialisation of faith hurts me. When things become and are passed on and forced as customs and rituals, it hurts. When I hear remixes of popular Hindi songs as bhajans and watch 2 hour "religious" channels and see fashionable/painful "compulsions" of religion, I feel humiliated. I don't see any faith, any God, and any sanctity there. And I cannot bring myself to conform with the "shoulds" then.
People pray everyday, keep fasts and accept a lot of things and actions as holy, even thought they would agree with some of the irrationality that I just mentioned. At one level, that's hypocrisy, and yes, I accept that somewhere even I am a part of this. I'm a hypocrite. But in moments like these, these questions and absurdities return to haunt me.
I feel the evil is within, within everyone and inevitably a Good-vs-Bad war has to be set up, so there's the God outside, who has been benevolently given a physical presence so that we do the "good" things that we must somewhere. But as long as the evil is within, is there a point?
Is there a point in NOT lying in a holy place when you conveniently lie outside? God, IF HE exists, does He not exist outside?

Bits and Pieces

Sorry, am not making any full-fledged posts(Respite from my LOOOOOOOOONG entries, eh? don't be too glad..this is temporary!:P). Just felt like writing something, so here are a few bits and pieces.

• Last week I had won a Treasure Hunt and a Poetry competition, for this poem . that was the first time someone understood this poem! Anyway, it was a happy day, for the book I won in the T-Hunt, salman Rushdie's Midnight Children, is just great. you have to read it to believe how great. Highly recommended.
  
• Sorry to all those who thought I cracked up about the blast bit in the last post. Have a lot to say, next post, on it.
  
• Finally the festive season is over...My laziness-sorry, indolence is the word, is not.
  
• Two new stories in the pipeline of beign written by me, but it's the second one that's intrigued me, because I'm getting either under the skin of that character, or he's getting under mine! That guy's an expert on WOMEN, as in women psychology, and I'm amused at the possibility of that character. any suggestions, puhlllllllease...on wat he cd be like?
  
• Hum Paanch is back on TV. I dotn say it's the grtest program on tv, not the best comedy either, but it makes me nostalgic abt my growing up yrs, and so i just felt a pang happy. Not that I'm gonna watch it much, Just liek that!
  
• One more trivial topic...a frnd of mine-actually an old acquaintance- one yr older to me- is ACTUALLY getting married this December!!!!!!!!!!! Am I that old?:O:O:O:O Thank God, I'll be far away from Delhi when that happens...I don't wanna go there. It's scary. Goddammit..I'm just 18. and she's 20. Marriage! Gosh..ppl are cracked up...:D
  

BBye

NUGGETS....

Life's been dragging on, slow and musically, like it always does during vacations and DEAD times like these. I've been reading, sleeping and thinking a lot(come to think of it, NOTHING festive at all going on in my life, which is surprising, but then, not really). There are atleast two extremely serious topics on which I wanna write here, because I've been thinking so much about them, but I would postpone it just for now, because...

• I don't want another controversy so soon on this page. The last post was interpreted and blown out of proportion, even though I liked that.
• I can't post too much thoughtful stuff one after the other, can I? This is not a sad page.
• I've been warned against posting one of these topics..

So, let me just share a few nuggets of my life...all that's been happening of late, though not much is happening!

• Diwali came and went, but I didn't feel it. Not in the usual, expected ways. The way I did, I'll share on this blog soon. But everything has its time.
• Read this somewhere: Most of what happens in our lives happens in our absence. Haven't stopped thinking about this one ever since. It's so goddamn true.
• I, unfortunately, escaped the Delhi blasts by a chance. Coincidence u may say. Sad coincidence! I had to go shopping to SN that day. Something, last moment, made us change our decision. My relatives live near Paharganj. I was supposed to be there instead, visiting their place, since the shopping trip was postponed. I didn't go, because another of my relatives suddenly dropped by that evening. I hate life.
• I dont light crackers. Never. This time, I didnt do anything else on Diwali either. One of the most un-enthu Diwalis I remember. But do I care? Not for this. But something else. Soemthing else I do care abt.
  
• Have been reading, writing, thinking a lot. Sleeping like anti-insomniacs. And watching crap on TV. What a useless life...but not really. Of crse, cricket is a good occupation..but wat the hell...India has won everything now. What will anyone watch the remaining series for...(that said, I'm extremely happy for Dravid, and a little sad for Ganguly)
• Living away from IIT is not like life at all. Days don't even seem to pass, and the mind is pre-occupied with past.
• I used to love nuggets once upon a time.

See u in a few days...this vacation will surely be over!
Belated Happy Diwali..and Eid Mubarak.