Dial 100

Centuries are not supposed to be like this. This is my hundredth post on this blog, coming despite all the abandonments and shutdowns that this blog has seen in less than ten months after the first post. I expected to write something happy; I wanted to rehearse my Oscar-winning Thank You speeches perhaps. At least I wanted to raise my bat(mouse?) towards the pavilion and acknowledge the applauding millions who would be celebrating my first century, coming in only the second innings of my career, whatever that means in this context. OK, I know this sounds like pathetic humour, but there ain't much not-so-pathetic happening in life anyway all of a sudden. I don't even know why I'm writing, or largely, what, but the self-obsessed selfish me has another 'meri kahani' to weep at, and that's all I know. Better not read this post after this.

Centuries are not supposed to be like this, but then most things in this world don't happen the way they are supposed to. Most things that happen are not supposed to happen in the first place. Most people who are in our lives, and impact it, or to borrow Sayesha's words, make and break it, were never supposed to be there in the first place. Whether it's by choice or by destiny or with/without any malicious design that they enter our life in the first place is not something I would know, but what I know is that most of all this unexpected crap that happens, hurts, and hurts too much, without ever being supposed to.

Centuries are not supposed to be like this, they don't have to be soaked in tears instead of jubilation. But when life drowns, so do many things alongwith it, including trivial happinesses numbed down in surges of gloom. Surges where no way is the way out, and nothing is what you have in hand. Nothing is what I have in hand. Except for those rare tears that had so far forever refused to fall. You know what, they are shining. They are not supposed to.

Centuries are really not supposed to be like this. This one's just come at the wrong time. Time, yes, time is what it is (perhaps my second-favourite scapegoat, but whatever!!). The fault is all of time. The time that moved too fast, the time that moves so slow, the time that I don't have, the time that's not mine, the time that I want, the time that meant nothing, the time that I'd never forget, the time that's never right, the time that's still waiting to come and the time that could have been and I have lost. There's a shit load of work lying in front of me that I have to do. I don't have the time, and time doesn't have me existing within. There's no harmony where it's most needed; there is just one problem: we both want different things out of each other, and we cannot co exist like this. so there's no harmony. I expected time to stop in the joy of the century celebrations, but sorry, dear diary, we both just dont fit together. Ah! What a crappy post. Coffee to anybody who understands one word. Bravery award if you have reached so far.

Centuries are really really really not supposed to be like this.

A public diary is 100. Open the champagne. Or call the asylum.

Unwinding

Namaste

To all those who have woken up with a surprised/thankfully surprised/ scornfully surprised look on their faces with the first glance at the changed template of my blog(of course you check my blog first thing in the moning everyday, don't you?! :P) I hope you have got used to this less-black background for the same old crap. It has been a rather hasty change, but naye kapdee to sab ko chahiye hote hain time to time, plus I had to do something about the comments, because my 'admirer' had been playing a lot of mischief lately, and I didn't want random misunderstandings here.

(NOTE to the random admirer: Sorry I ended your mischievous streak. If you really have guts come talk to me face to face. Otherwise stay shut. And this has been one exception. Now onwards, I'd continue to ignore you as usual. Thanx.)

Moving on, this week's turned out fine, though I have suddenly reached a state of fatigue and blankness since yesterday, and suddenly I don't feel like doing anything at all. I have been working too much over the last few weeks, and especially last week with all those random nightouts. non of this, mind you, has been vaguely connected to studies, and my academic backlog has already become scaringly HUGE. On top of it I haven't been keeping well, having nearly fainted twice in the last week. I've lost most of my appetite, a lot of my sleep, and before I end up in a hospital, or the confines of my home(lest my mom should know), I better get some sanity back. (Also I'm tired of the scoldings my friends periodically give me these days for going without food for 48 hours). Most importantly, I have a lot of work to do, so I can't afford breaking down totally. I'd rather take it slow.

Now why does all this sound as the sanest thing I've done in a loooong time.

Shit! ME?Sane? I think I'm already ill!

Our techfest is on these days, and it looks amazing. The organization has been great, so much better than the last Rendezvous, and it's been kinda fun. I was moderating an interview-ish Interactive discussion seminar yesterday, and we managed to pull it of well, so it was great!

Meanwhile, here's something important:

My club, which is the English Debating and Literary Club, IIT Delhi, is organising an Inter -College International Debate in March, and while we work day and night for it, I request all of you to keep checking this blog for updates and all information.

Please please doston, do me this favour, spread on the link to all debating enthusiasts you know. and contact me for anything you want to know:D

Also if you are willing to donate/sponsor with some cash;)

Achha onto other things...

As much as I dislike tags, among the many I am supposed to comply are one of Kon's tags: 20 things that annoy me. Abhi mood ho raha hai, to let me try! :D

I get annoyed with.............

1. Too many tags.

2. People who leave random comments in other's names.

3. People who lie without any reason at all, esp when I can easily see they are lying.

4. People who continuously judge me

5. People who won't tell me why they are angry/pissed/insecure with me, but it'd be so apparent from their behaviour anyway, and then they'd go about telling the world What an irritating girl she is!

6. People who don't work, or take responsibilty and don't finish them, or do not realise the importance of commitments. Basically all those that do not do justice to their talent or are simply non-committal.

7. Lack of sense of humour

8. Poltu in IITD.

9. Blog posts with full plots of movies I havn't seen.

10. Media, when they make such an issue out of nothing by over-hype.

11. All those professers who'd give the most sadistically satisfied smile of their lives on asking unanswerable questions of topics that nobody's taught.

12. Authors who artificial-ise their plots just to make the book sensational.

13. EVERYONE who's watched Rang de Basanti, becaue I haven't and now I dont have company to watch it with.

14. All those who fervently believe in and continuously quote others' philosophies, trying to ram it down others' throats too.

15. All those who can't even listen to somebody else's philosophies in the enlightenment of their own.

16. All those who try to be someone they're not, and eventually lose themslves in the process.

17. All the rumour machines and gossip mongers.

18. Those who put such a premium on a simple smile, and consider themselves impoverished if they have to talk politely and with a smile to anybody ecept close friends.

19. Guys and "liberated" women who think they shouldn't cry; retro women who think some tears and coy smiles wouldand should give them everything they want.

20. All those who scold me for not eating, and my mom for her recently acquired superstitiousness.

Bas itna hi. Baaki sab theek hai!!

P.S. 1. Is imitation the sincerest form of flattery? Or is this just outrageously shockingly funny?

2. Arey haan, tag pass bhi to karna hota hai. Ok, formality sake...i pass this to

Anuj, Insane, Dhruv, Arnav, Inhas Tajar, Chapaat, Prad, Shaurya, Medury, Ritz, Illiterate Sneha, and anybody else who's interested.

Sorry, am too lazy to link all these up!

Adhikar

Tumhi ne zakhm diya aur tumhi ne
Rokar sahara bhi maang liya
Jab mujhe mohabbat kaha to maan liya maine
Jab bewafa kaha, woh bhi man liya.

Muskuraye jo tum to maine bhi
Khud ko muskurana sikha liya.
Fir muskan ko dhoke ki hasi kaha tumne
Aur fir ek bar, mujhe rula diya.

Bharosa karo, ye kaha tha tumne
Maine khud ko vishwas dila liya.
Fir khud hi tumne us bharose ko toda
Aur mere ishwas ko jhutla diya.

Is par bhi tumne be-imani ka
Ilzaam lagay jab humpe.
Muskra kar humne bharose ki tarah
Un ilzaamon ko bhi apna liya.

Wajah nahi poochhi thi mohabbat ki maine
Nafrat ka bhi maine karan nahi poochha
Nafrat ko bhi tumhari inayat samajhke
Sile hothon ke peechhe chhupa liya.

Jin jhuki nazron ko kabhi chaha tha tumne
Aj unhi ko gunah ka saboot samjha.
'Gar safai dete to use be-adabi kehta.
Isliye adab se chuppi ko apna liya.

Mohabbat ke badle mohabbat to ki thi
Nafrat ke badle nafrat na kar sake
Isi gunah ke liye khuda se maut ke badle
Jeene ki sazaa ko maang liya.

Jin andheron ko tumne tohfe mein diya tha
Unhi mein ji to liye umra bhar
Jis din tumne humko bhulaya
Humne bhi khud ko bhula diya.

Zakhmon ki duhai dekar, tum roye bhi
Aur marham bhi paa gaye.
Besahara to hum the magar fir bhi
ashk ko pathhar zakhm ko nasoor bana liya.

Aj saza khatm hone pe sochti hoon yahi
Ki apne jiwan mein khud maine bas ek kaam kiya
Jis kshan chaha tha tumhe, usi pal
Apne jiwan ka adhikar tumhe tha diya.

Jinxed

My head refused to move. It even refused to think that it wanted to move. Eyes didn't blink, hands didn't shake, and I don't know where my heart was.

There was nothing that I could see, yet everything was crystal clear. Never before have I seen vagueness with so much clarity that I could make out every single particle of the haze that enveloped the ambience, yet held me snug in a moment that refuses to die. An eternity passed in the next millisecond, and lips parted to lend the moment a rare strength, a strength that derives itself from weakness.

Breathe returned, hands stirred; I was cold, ice cold, but slowly convection was making me warmer. A smile, a few words, more nerves, more passion, and an illuminating translucency. It could have been a dream. And then, the lights went off. It wasn't a dream. It isn't one.

The touch proved to me I could still feel. But I knew I was numb, and within a few seconds I was so numb I didn't even know if I was numb. I don't remember anything after that. It was just too delicate to have survived in the junkyard of memory.

And now, the bubble has burst. There is only a tiny droplet that it has left behind. But it is enough to soak the whole of me. Forever. It's abstract again, but this time, I am a part of the abstract too. Not all dreams come true; not all dreams have to come true. Mine didn't. But it wasn't a dream.

It was a moment, a moment that was just meant to be. It was jinxed.

One day@Book Fair...

It's been a strange weekend-good, bad, exciting, scary, funny, sick, lazy and energetic...yes, all of this( why does everything in my life has to be a "little bit of everything"!!).

Anyway, as the title shrieks, I went to the Book fair today for some time. I had other things that had kept me occupied earlier and even later in the evening, so I couldn't spend much of a time, but in one word, the book fair was spectacular. I've been there every yr for the last three yrs at least, but I found this year the best. The collection is simply fantabulous! Also because I learnt a bit of the inside info, and about how the whole thing works, courtesy my uncle who's one of the people organising and running the whole thing(Thanx to him I got 40-45% discounts too!:P ). I could see an interesting and an interested crowd, and like last year, I also managed to climb in a few tanks and radars, and play around with missiles etc, all of which was there because DefExpo starts soon. All those arms are exciting too, and I've heard this yr onwards there's also gonna be some nuclear material for sale. All this means more crowds for the two fairs in the coming days, and if that's any indication of a growing reading habit, this looks like there are bright days ahead.

A few things caught my eye, apart from the occassional glance at screens that showed glimpses of today's match. I was waiting for someone and started readin a small book for timepass. It was called "Why people should cry when you die?" . Some 101 fundas, inspired from The Monk Who sold his Ferrari. I generally dont read self-help/funda types books, but the 44 chapters I read(OK, I read fast, and it's not a huge book) were profound yet had a feeling of "deja vu" associated with them, as if i knew it, and yet didnt.

There are so many things in life we already know, yet refuse to trust ourselves and believe truly unless and until it becomes inescapable and too obvious, or if somebody else tells it to us and rather nails it in. It's a strange insecurity, but very human. Lately I've even given the official post of "Counsellor of Known things". So if there's something you know and still wanna be told so that u believe it, come to me. Not to forget, I charge a very modest fee.
Back to the book fair, I saw some very good Indian writing priced much less than some very crappy foreign writing and wondered why? I saw this amazing illustrated set of books about the two world wars, which had some exclusive, fantabulous pics and a suitable description alongwith. I swear if they use that in schools, nobody would ever flunk a History exam. And yes, I met Ruskin bond, the author there. Spoke to him for a couple of minutes too, and it felt nice. He's very soft-spoken and sounds very intelligent. And then I discovered the one book I always wanted.

Don't ask me what all I bought though. That's a rather sad part, because I was surrounded with so many good books that I just couldn't decide what all to buy, and to buy one and leave another seemed such a grave injustice that I left both(I wish I had lots and lots of money, or else the permission to stay there forever and read everything). I did buy a few things though, but I won't disclose it here. Also because two of them are meant to be gifted. The good part is that I'm going again, whenever I can, before next weekend. I have a couple of extra passes. Anyone wiling to give me company?

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

No Matter What..

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter how they call us
No matter how they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I'll know our love forever
I know no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear god say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine
(the sun don't shine)
Or if the skies are blue
(skies are blue)
No matter what the ending
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
(what I believe)
I can't be what I'm not
(I know I know)
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now, no matter what
no no matter what..
no no matter what..
(no no matter that's all that matters to me)


BOYZONE

INCESSANT DESIRES

ALL SHE WANTS, AND DOESN'T...

I don't want our shadows,

To walk beside,each other in the night;

I don't want the winds,

To bring along the beats, of your heart, to mine;

I don't want to hear words,

That say that u love me more than the world;

I don't want the world,

To look at me and say, I'm your girl;

I don't want your gifts,

Fake promises of forever, or hopes any more;

I don't want to be demanded,

To be desired, or to be adored.

I want our shadows

To disappear within, each other, and the night;

I want the winds

Never to be able to, flow between your heart and mine;

I want word to fail,

And your eyes to tell me, that I am your world;

I want noone else

To ever see me, and 'violate', for I am your girl;

I want your hand in mine

And I'd know it's forever, or I'd live no more;

I want to be possessed

To be absorbed, and to be owned.

Horror-Scope

Everyone has their share of big horrors and small fears in their lives, in their todays, tomorrows and yesterdays. Some people acknowledge them, most don't understand them and quite a few try to run away from them. I haven't yet decided which category I belong to, but that's not something I really care about. Most of the times, I am not an escapist. I have learnt it the hard way that it's far far better to directly face your fears as soon as possible. It takes some guts, but it's something that's really important, and one of the most effective methods of conquering the fear forever. There's a small period of lots of hurt and courage and sweating, but in the end, all goes well. That's been my brave-girl's theory for some time now, and mostly, it works.

But I'd not put up a false show of bravery too much here. The idea is that sometimes, some very few times, I find escapism is a good solution to some problems. Of course, advocates of this theory tell me that it is a solution to most, but I don;t really agree. Postponing troublesome situations as long as possible is not what I can always do, and I don't think I'm equipped enough to pass judgements on relative merits of the two things. I just know that mostly, I don't do it.

What brought me to write this post though, is something far less philosophical, though there can be parallels, and perhaps, far less important too. I was thinking about the almost-universal desire of knowing one's future. Almost everyone thinks about it, and this slow simmering desire of "kash koi bata de exactly kya hone wala hai", the kind that propels millions to read the Fortune-of-the-Day page in DT everyday, exists. Despite the fact that most would know how fraud and untrue, how much of a generalisation it is. It's like a small irresistible sin, a guilty pleasure that harms noone(and pays atleast two people per newspaper publication a nice pay cheque every month. Can I get that job please?)

A lot many people are afraid of ambiguity and uncertainty, and this fear manifests itself in various ways. At one level, horoscope-addiction, palmologist-visiting, and to take it to the extreme, going by the "kundli" type beliefs are one of those manifestations. Infact one believes in them or not, but a lot many just do it for the heck of it, almost obsessively, to satisfy some credulous part of themselves.

I don't. I find it stupid, irrational(and watever adjectioves all sensible people of the world give as an excuse), but then naturally enough I do think about the future at times. And then I think perhaps knowing about the future is not such a good idea at all. It's better to take things as they come. But does this amount to escapism at one level as well?

I don't know, but what I know is, too much knowledge can be scary at times, even though it is a lot of power, but then , power can be intimidating too. And knowledge with helplessness is sheer torture. That's why sometimes I wish my mind blanked out a bit, and I didnt understand things at all. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, and good as it may be, at times foresight is ugly.

That, I confess, is one of my horrors.

All Said and Done

OK. I expect all questioning and reasoning and farewells and welcomes are now over. Let's wrap up the rhetoric and get back to business. No more of why I stopped and why I restarted. I owe noone no explanations.

Right, so with this over let me quickly update with whatever has been happening while I divorced this page and patronised another one. Had the break never happened, this page should have been more than 115 post-old by now. Let me withdraw my self-imposed growth-stintment by a quick post now.

It was a 40-day (mourning??) period where I kept off this page, and somehow it was a very happening period in my life. Because a lot happened, a lot that was indeed life-changing in several aspects and at several times. I travelled, I met a lot of people, hitherto known and unknown, I got to "know" several known people, and "un-know" several known people. In fact, the turbulence is not totally over yet, either do I expect it to be anytime soon, and that is why i believe everything that happens in life happens for the good. It's good I refrained from writing HERE when I was that troubled, and now since I'm better off, I know I can write with clear demarcations of the "public" and the "private", in this diary.

Cut the crap, on to something understandable.
Last sem was a funny semester in many ways, for I met more people than I ever had, did various kinds of stuff, wasted a lot of time, and still ended up with a shockingly decent score at the end. All in all, it was highly eventful. and by the looks of it, at least the first half of this sem looks great too. (By great I mean full of hectic activity, as iIave an overdose of both acads and extra-curics in hand....Oh yes, I hope u know I've turned into a workaholic of late!)
The time just after majors was especially lovely, as I was getting treats on practically every meal for almost a week!!:D(Jealous, anyone?)

And then I had a lovely trip to Mumbai. Sadly though, we couldn't go to Goa.:(
For all those interested, yes I saw some decent guys around[:P], esp at Mood-I, but somehow even Delhi is better!!!!!!!!!

My trip overall was exceptional for several things, and I cannot ever forget it, because simply put it changed my life, twice over, and no, I'm not turning into a full time researcher. The core calculation in my project crashed anyway, and it'll take a few more weeks to come!

Back to Delhi, in a new year that had a lot of promise.
And in the last two weeks, it has been the most unusual semesters, with all kinds of things happening to me and me struggling to cope with them all. Infact I can hardly comprehend the mayhem that my life has become. Finally all courses-and-credits trouble has been sorted out, and exams are so distant that acads is the last thing on anybody's mind.
Meanwhile, I have had the pleasure of meeting plenty of interesting people I always wanted to meet, of late, including Vertigo, Shivam Da, Neha dids, Saras ji, INSANE and Inhas(almost!).

I've also have been on meals and (some really wierd)treats with so many interesting people, that I have a bag full of to-be-treasured moments. All said and done, I wonder how to collect them all in my tiny hands!

People, and conversations, and people with whom I can have a good conversation, always have me hooked. It's all about People-o-nomics.