Of Things That Break and Do not make a Sound

It's amusing how things that are more delicate than glass break without a sound, while glass itself creates a clamour loud enough for the whole world to hear and makes your hands colourful so that you can be caught red-handed. But the more delicate things mostly break even without a whisper, perhaps only a silent tear- shed or unshed. You escape being caught, but the face is a give-away so often that everyon knows you're the culprit anyway. Even the mirror. The crime may be hidden, the criminal never is.

One of the most crucial of these delicate things is trust. I've told myself 183 times not to trust anybody, and failed 184 times. I trust the same people again, little less or little more, or I trust newer people. Then I get hurt, little less or little more, or in a new way altogether, and 183 becomes 184 and 184 becomes 185(essentially, add one....if hurt==huge, add a few more). But frankly, it's not me alone. So many people have trusted others an regretted their foolishness later, but one cannot just do away with it because this world sould no work withou trust. If everyone stops trusting each other, it would be a catastrophe, and I'm optimistic enough to assume it would never happen. Perhaps I need to become wiser and maturer so that I know whom to trust and whom not to, but I don't think I have the patience.

183++;

The other thing that shatters extremely soundlessly and painfully, is respect. A lot of people meet me and I get to know them from a position of respect, i.e. they get my respect by default and from there proceed to either lose it or increase by virtue of their actions. And when sometimes some of them lose it drastically in a minute, you only feel foolish about yourself, and sooo hurt. I do not want to get sceptical and cynical such that I start being suspicious of veryone I meet, but if things keep getting shattered like that and I keep getting "moments of complete gyaan", I dont think I can hold out much longer.

The third, is the poetic cliche' of the broken heart that breaks without sounds and leaves one so numb, so destroyed and so hurt that no other pain looks worse.

And I'd not even go into this. I'm at a loss of words.

Tuesdays with Madam Luck

Some days are just "one of those days" right! when all strange and strangely bad things happen together, when even the 'good' things fail to bring any joy to you, when the whole world looks more distant and colder than ever, and when thy reflection in the mirror looks suddenly 10 times more hideous than otherwise. Normally these are the times when I sink into a quieter anti-social existence and put on a thinking cap, or else just shut down. And as much as i want to do the same, I'm spending so much time in a crowd compulsarily that there's only the one option of getting lost, which is getting lost within yourself invisibly without letting others know. To top it I'm so tired and headache-stricken and sleep-deprived and stamina-deprived because I've hardly eaten or slept in the last 50 hours, that I can't even think much!

I feel liking I'm being starved in a world that's growing increasingly lonely for me by the day. I can't talk myself out of this anymore -illusions do not last forever. The whole world is growing hazy, but why do I not even feel blanketed by the haze?

It was such a bad "one of those days". There are just three words that say it all...I am hurt.

I've plainly been, shockingly but true, slightly lucky at the most unexpected of times, which is why I've survived it, but then it feels stifling. What do you do when you see your ideals and established fundas simply come crashng in front of you in one second? What do you do when somebody loses respect for no reason when you didn't want that? What do you do when you know you are just going on fighting for a lost cause? Dah.I almost wish we weren't into semifinals now. I'd have loved a peacefuller Tuesday, but I know that wuldn't happen.

Actually, I know what one should do? Maybe one should just go and sleep. It;s better to face bad tuesdays with some pretence of a self-confidence!

I'm what I'm because of what you think I'm not.

Goodnight.

Q&A

Not all questions have answers.

Not all answers need questions.

There used to be a dark night once, that extended for several sun-lit days and moon-lit nights. It bore but one question, and no answers, but the darkness of the night was such that it soaked every inch of space and time in a way that all words, inter alia, choked to death. The unanswered question still looms large, and will, until it devours itself in its own quest and avarice.

There was one more night, though not so dark and not so stifling, where shadows talked in each others' embrace. And in between the spaces of the interlocked fingers lived an answer, of a question that had never been asked.

Then, somehow, the two nights met each other at an eventful moment, and annihilated all words, spoken or unspoken. The annihilation was almost total, and all that remains is a mini black hole that sits at the corner of my eye disguised as the Kajal....

Ek lamhe mein simat aya hai sadiyon ka safar
Zindagi tez, bahut tez, chali ho jaise.

Every beginning has an End...

...And Every End is a Beginning...
OF ANOTHER END.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

If life moves like a sine curve, apparently the frequency just increased a 100 fold for me. I hope it is temporary though. Fluctuations leave me uneasy!

I have been giving one bad paper after the other, and probably with the exception of the humanities exam, each one has been more disappointing than the previous. I don't know if it is a good thing or bad that there's only one left now.

The nice things first. I had a lovely evening on Friday and another nice lunch yesterday. I finally watched Rang de Basanti, infact twice now, but if I say any more about how I found the movie that would be foolish.

Yesterday's lunch was essentially his treat, and together him and her and me had an amazing time at CP. I always knew she was unlike most people, so sweet, so friendly and so affectionate even towards almost strangers like me. and then I discovered even he is unlike most people, not just for his infamous I-don't-care-a-damn attitude about so many things[:P] but mainly because of his amazing spirit , the way with which he lives HIS way, the way that he can smile. People may like it or not, he doesn't care, and actually he shouldn't, and he makes me jealous the way he can smile, the way he can talk on and on, he way he can destroy himself deliberately with a smile because he wants to, the way he can be irresponsible and kiddish, and mature and responsible when HE wants to, the way he can fight like hell! Oh yes, did I mention both of them spent all the time fighting with each other[=))] and although I'm almost 5 yrs younger to both of them(in their words...achha sa pyaara sa samajhdar sa bacha hoon main[:P]) I was playing UMPIRE half the time. They kept trying to irritate each other and please me [:D] and we ate sooo much ki main khaate khaate mar gayi!!! And then hum sab ghoomte ghoomte mar gaye.

Thank you both of you for the lovely time and all the 'gyaan'!!!

And then started the bad part. God knows why I decided to return by the bus. I was tired and sleepy and sitting quietly and peacefully in 620, and then this guy, guy nahi uncle, 30-35ish, comes and sits next to me, with a biggish briefcase and buys a Rs.2 ticket as I bought one for IIT. Then 5 minute baad se after every five minutes he would say something like, "madam, you should not fiddle with your specs so much. Ruins eyesight!My brother....", "Could you shift aage/peechhe?", "Do you study in IIT?", "I hope you are sitting comfortably" etc etc. Don't even remember what all, I was so tired sleepy silent uninterested that I would either nod or not answer at all, till this happened. We were close to IIT when he suddenly said, "Madam, hum aapse dosti karna chahti hain!" I was almost jolted out of my sleep for it sounded so much like those "I wanna franship with u" Orkut scraps. Oh boy! I saw a Cyber Despo Live version! I could hardly reat for the next two seconds- maybe I was struggling with the apt gaali for the moment- and then I just managed a "I'd kill you" look and "What?Mind your own business mister!"

I stayed for another two seconds wondering if I had been dreaming and before I started screaming/ cursing I got up and sat on another seat behind. Suddenly he started saying things like "Bhagwan aapko khush rakhe. Aap salamat raho" etc etc and I felt so disgusted I just shrieked SHUT UP and ate a few curses. I look pretty scary otherwise also, and in that anger I must have scared Dracula too, so it's no surprise he immediately got up and got down an almost-moving bus. Half the people around were staring at me, the conductor looked sickeningly amused and thank God I had less than two stops to go. I was mumbling "ALL MEN ARE B*****DS" under my breath. Sorry, but I was just too blown off. I have seen many cheapsters and dealt with hundreds of eve teasers and in-the-bus specialists, but this was yet another specimen. What a pathetic place has Delhi become, especially considering nobody else around, who must have heard, said A WORD. I was only glad he had got down, which he should have much ago(the conductor could have at least booked him for paying less) and so it didn't get to a situation where I would have slapped him in broad daylight. And make no mistake, I could have done that, but I just wonder how many girls keep up with such nuisance and worse everyday!

So I return to college in this really foul mood, try studying for some time, give up, get to my hostel, try to relax and end up fighting with atleast three people over totally unconnected issues that all had to happen yesterday evening only. By the end of it I was so hurt, had cried so much, was feeling so guilty, felt so shattered because of something a friend had said, and had studied so absolutely nothing, that I almost slept off in tears, bachon ki tarah. And of course I ruined aaj ka exam so big time. I need a doctor, or a psychiatrist, or an executioner.

Or else the positive half cycle of the sine curve.

And yes, a little sanity for the men of this universe. Till then I don't want to talk to anyone. Infact Beware Of ME, I would probaly yell at anyone for no fault of theirs at the moment. And then feel sorry. So leave me alone...

..............and somebody tell that guy, an all of his tribe, to just fuck off !!!

GenNext

You and I and we and us and all those we see around us, are all lucky to be alive!

And no, the credit does not go to Osama bin Laden & Co. for not yet dropping a nuclear bomb over you and me, or not yet crashing helicopters into the tiny fragile building I'm sitting in(just in case you're Mr. Laden or his Secretary and have just been unwittingly given a brilliant idea for your next project, kindly purge your memory, or else rememberthat I do NOT stay in the West Wing of my hostel, so make plan(e)s accordingly.) The credit, at least in my case, should go to some extent to the butler of my hostel who serves me food that's just-about-NOT-poison everyday. But that's too much digression. I said we are lucky to be alive because we live in a tumultous time, in a extra dynamic ever changing world full of possibilities and turbulence( and where there is Google and orkut and blogger).

Think and you'd realise that in terms of our awareness and opportunity levels we are definitely luckier than our great grandfathers, because it' such a nice time to be alive at. The equations of everything around us change all the time, and amongst all the confusion and stress, there's still some happy relief an excited anticipation in this randomness. I feel slightly fatigued now, but before I say "Been there done that" to anything, a new challenge is thrown at me. And the adrenaline keeps flowing.

We are a more hyperactive generation than the preceding ones, and two-year younger people belong to another generation altogether, and I feel senile with them. So it's a continual process of increasing hyperactivity ( and that's slightly relieving, why should I be the only misfit!). But we are very interesting too. We have ambitions but a strong resurgent 21st century patriptism too. We dream but we want our reality within our grip too. We bash the media for being so profit oriented but flock journalism courses too. We fall in love but most of us bash the hype of Valentine's Day too. I'm reminded of the 'Phir Bhi Dil hai hindustani' title track.......

hum logon ko samajh sako to samjho dilbar jaani.

Ulti seedhi jaisi bhi hai apni yahin kahani......

...thode anadi hain thode khiladi

Ruk ruk ke chalti hai apni gaadi

Humein pyar chahiye, aur kuch paise bhi......

We have a lot of confused ideals, like the generation before us, and like all the generations to come would have. But I still say it's a sufficiently interesting time to grow up at. There's a lot that has been happening around us that we could learn from. Books to read, movies to watch, people to see, lots. Maybe 15 yrs later people our age would have too much of all this to have a practical value. Pata nahi, I dont want to live for that long!

UPDATE

Our generation hates receiving fwds. Mostly. But still a lot of us sends them. I read some, send very few, and I have some 250 mails on yahoo in my "forwards" folder that I haven't deleted outright. Rediff I have lost count, and I always want to kill someone who sends me fwds on Gmail. But the worst are fwds on IMs. Especially those chain letter ones....Send this to 13 people in the next 13 minutes or else......what crap! They promised me wishes and boyfriends and witchcraft by forwarding but I didn't get any. Then they promised me death and ghosts if I didn't forward, and which again I didn't get any. Cheaters!

And now suddenly my mailbox is full of 18 new fwds by one guy in a time span of 13 minutes. Even deleting them is such a pain.

My headache has now been my soul mate for 38 hours. and it doesn't want to leave me. I gave my worst minor exam in IIT today. I can't walk properly because I pulled a muscle sometime today. My hair feel oily, so I need a headbath soon and I'm supposed to be busy in the middle of exams. I have a paper Sunday 8am which is inhumane. My room looks dirty. I lost some money yesterday. They cooked out of schedule the worst menu of the week for dinner in the mess tonight, so that I couldn't eat. Nobody from my home remembers to call me................

OK, and now all this proves what our generation is brilliant at: Cribbing.

PS Even if you think the generation of today is not like what I called out of generation and you are not t all like what I said, please DON'T do one thing. Don't crib about it. You're lucky to be alive and reading this!:P

PPS The question you may ask is why the hell am I worried about the generation?! And who the hell am I to do that? I assure you I don't have an answer that I could give you. But I've been thinking so much on other things my head could explode anytime. So I needed a lame distraction. Finding distractions is often important, and I re-realised today that the most effective way to alleviate pain is to increase it to such a level that it stops mattering. Discovering newer pains more painful makes older pains numb. Thanx Inhas for the idea.

I don't feel anything in my head now. Goodnight.

It's so easy to fall in love...

...but so difficult to 'rise' in it.

I have absolutely no idea what love is, but I suddenly feel like increasing the mush component of this already over-flooded ambience of today by my own version of crap. I'm one of the tribe that believes everyday is as good as Valentines' Day when love exists, and secretly puke at people who think the concept of love is publicly holding hands and making out and exchanging red roses and similar pinky pinky stuff(read this for more) without any real emotional connect. But of course, that's my worthless opinion. No offences. I'm not gonna ever indulge/interfere in any PDA(Public Display of Affection) exercises for sure!

I can't say what love is, but there are several things that love certainly isn't. Only PDA is one, lust is another, selfishness is a major third, and if you can lie to your love and face him/her without guilt, if you can hurt him/her sometimes giving yourself a reason and be at peace with it and if you can say 'damn her/him' and get back to important work immediately after a fight and not think about him/her, then I'm sorry but you aren't really in love. Reality check, anyone?

Again, all this is IMO. Maybe I'm too crazy, maybe too obsessed, or plain stupid and kiddish. I don't care. Aisi hi hai kiddo!

That is why I feel it's so easy to fall in love, to fall for someone, as they very romantically say, and to confess and swear with all the starry eyes, but love really begins AFTER all this. It's in the every second that comes later, when your 100% love this second increases to a new 100% the next. The standards just go on rising. The feeling is one of complete drowning. And it's tough, because amongst all the poetic language I put it in, life with all its disappointments and complexities never ceases all around you. So it needs strength, it needs determination, and for me, it needs a lot of passion. That's what I call rising in love, or whatever the stupid feeling is for which they have painted the town red today!

LoveGURU Reloaded, in a Guest Appearance:

Couple of quick interesting funde

• If a man falls in love through his eyes, a woman falls in love through her ears. So it's important for him to see on your face that you love him, so that he just can't take his eyes off. It's even more important for her to know, to be told, to be reminded, sometimes without words, that you love her, so that she keeps falling deeper within.
• Girls won't get impressed by flooding them with SMSs or the likes, unless they're already interested. (In case you're one of those whose messages sail in my inbox, read this AGAIN). And guys don't get impressed, gals, if you spend an extra two hours in the parlour just today. Unless, some fun is all you are looking for;)

Finally, this one holds for life too, and actually just about everything. So it's my favourite and I'd repeat it again: Everything is as simple as you please! Don't see complications where there are none. Where there are, trust yourself,and it would become simpler.

Happy Valentines' Day, btw!

DIV(A)ing for the Truth

Some decisions are impossible to come by, or at least come by 'correctly', when a conscious effort is made to reach them.

All these efforts lead to, is a lot of pain, and a little regret.

When this happens, I think it's best to quit. And just let life go on. Instead of trying to take it somewhere. In any case it's not gonna stop until it does. So why worry?

Meanwhile, there's no place like home to escape to when stress levels in life soar beyond handle-able capacity. I feel lucky I don't stay 500 Kms away from my college. So when all minor and major and political and illogical issues beat the hell out of me, I know where to take a break.

And nobody is a better friend to me than me myself, and my solitude.

All I want is to be left alone!

But then, if wishes were horses.................

I can at best be lonely, not alone, because life goes on. So I'd settle for second best, much as I'm tired with fighting for everything. I'm not getting depressed, or demoralised. I've way too many reasons to be happy, way too much love in my life, and more support than ever before. My hands are full, and it's only overflowing. The only thing I'm searching for, is a certain emptiness.

Anyway, some good news. My hostel Magazine "DIVA" is finally out. Have a look at the cover I designed!!

(to your left)

And, since i cannot think what to write now...let me just copy-paste one of the articles I wrote a few centuries ago, which is there in the magazine. I am doing this ebcause a lot of men read this page, but take a warning, this is just for fun OK. I'm no die-hard feminist, and I don't want to offend anyone!:P

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Men Are Like That!!!!!


Men all over the world complain about women being moody, unpredictable, make- up obsessed creations of God that He himself has never understood. For centuries they've complained about women being beautiful dimwits as well as shrewd manipulative brains who made them dance to their tunes, both compliments coming at the same time. Now who can explain to them that humans (or goddesses or witches or whatever they call them) can’t be dumb & shrewd simultaneously! If they are ugly shrewd witches, why have they been falling for them ever since time started? In spite of realizing the "truth” and if they are so dumb, why do so many men world over cry for them? But then, this is not meant to be a debate for what women are. In fact this is not about women at all! This is about men-they do what they do, because, well, they are like that! Incorrigible eternally confused.

When it comes to IIT though, this situation becomes even more interesting, with the amazing sex ratios we have, and the huge ego complexes it can potentially generate. The eternal fight is perhaps even more accentuated in this environment, with allegations meeting counter-allegations so often that one would call it a war if we all didn’t know better. Mano ya na mano par sachai to jano…being a girl here is tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for any other college, because it ain’t exactly rosy being a guy here too. Of course, no harm in going on complaining harmlessly……………….

Anyway coming back to the more universal conflicts, they say that practice makes a man perfect but as far as women are concerned they are born perfect! Jokes apart, if a female does a favor for a male friend she is a servant, and if she doesn't, she's a selfish bitch. If a man excels in his field, he’s a genius, when a woman does it, its sheer luck. If a girl tells her boyfriend his fault in a fight, she’s too complaining. If she doesn’t she hides too much!

The list, alas, is endless, but, at the end of the day, men are what they are and will always be. They are our fathers, brothers, husbands, sons and boyfriends. In spite of everything we'll always love them, won’t we? After all we are also like that only! :-)

LIF101:Introduction to Life.

An amazing thought just struck me this morning as I woke up on a foggy day for a good-for-nothing half an hour lecture from a seriously good-for-nothing professer and since I cannot even go back to sleep now, I decided to reflect further on it. Isn't it astonishing that we spend an enormous chunk of our tiny lives in trying to understand what life really is, in simply making an effort to comprehend bits and pieces of it and in trying to regulate it when somewhere within we know that after a point life is beyond regulation and control by us? I don't know about the rest of the world, and I couldn't care less, but I realise I do engage in all these vain efforts. (And I would take solace from the fact that Í'm definitely not the only soul on this planet who does that, so silliness has company!). Many argue, and perhaps rightly so, that all this is totally pseudo-intellectual thought and activity, and I won't exactly disagree on that either. But frankly, I don't mind it even if it is totally fraudulent and pointless, because somewhere for me, there IS a point.
I have spent the last two days mainly finishing off my hostel magazine work(which is now done and the magazine should finally be out by Monday. Yippee!!), doing a bit of JAMming (my club event, which we stood third in. Yippee again!!) and thinking, alongwith two extremely satisfying conversations with people I really admire( and who've helped me think better, Yippee once more!!). I realise how much of what is written by all those who like writing(going by all the articles I was editing and all the blogs I have forever been reading) and how much of what is thought by all those who don't mind the pseudo-ism is simply about Life. Theirs, of those around them, and of mankind in general. The enigma is captivating, because hardly anybody sounds any closer to a satisfying permanent understanding of life even after centuries of treading the dead path. And because no package, no buy-one-get-one-free deal, no marketing strategist's brilliant innovation matches "life" for it's ability to be a COMPLETE package, paisa-vasool types. It's got just about everything, and more, that one may need or can think of. Perhaps that's the reason most customers don't get bored of it (or maybe it's just lack of alternatives!)
I have always believed 'happiness', in some way or the other, is the ultimate aim of anything and everything we ever do. Even when we are nice to someone and really kind and selfless, it's just because it makes us feel nice about ourselves, for we believe we have done a good thing. And in this theory-of-selfishness, as I like to call it, everything else including money, success, love etc is simply a by-product, if anything at all. I also think that the one thing that would gives us maximum happiness is when we are able to make somebody else happy, even if that happiness is ephemeral. It's immensely satisfying, and that is why people often go to great lengths in doing things for the sake of the happiness of those they care for. That is why I would do a lot of things for some of the people I love, and cannot bear unhappy. It's not pity, it's not sacrifice, it's in a way plainly selfish, but I don't think it's bad in any way at all. Infact I wish everything in this world works on this principle.
Sometimes we overlook the fact that little things, small thoughtful acts bring immense happiness to people, that eventually comes back to us only. For example, try something I recently started doing: Next time you go for say an auto/taxi/rick ride, provided the driver hasn't been fighting with you and driving sanely enough so that your heart wasn't clocking 170 bpm, say a kind word like "You drive very well. It must be a tough job to do it all day in such unruly traffic. Thank you." or something to that effect when you get down. Don't think I'm being silly; you just can't imagine the ripple effect this little sweetness from you can have. Yoú probably forget all about it in five minutes, but maybe, you'd have made the day for a complete stranger, who is very likely to be very warm to his next customer, to be cheerful with his friends and loving to his family for the rest of the day. And all those people would again in turn feel happier, and the ripples continue. Alternatively, try asking the security guard/ the butler/ the local public-servant you see everyday but hardly care about how they are, or how do they find their work, or simply that you appreciate the amount of effort they put in, and see the difference! I don't claim this always works, and I'm not saying go about flattering people or complimenting them even when they're hopeless, but I'm just requesting you to consider not being too miser with appreciation, even a little kind smile, when you can, with people you can. Trust me, it all comes back to you.
Life is nothing but a lot of opportunities to be happy, and unfortunately we ignore and waste most of them. Even if all this sounds pseudo, crappy and immature, I don't care, because it makes me happy, and happiness is all what everybody is living for.
"We took the path less travelled...
and it made all the difference!"