All I want for Christmas is you.

आंसुओं के भी घराने होते हैं
ना रोने के भी बहाने होते हैं
जो ग़म गीन लम्हों को हँसी में बिता दें
वो लोग बहुत ही सयाने होते हैं 

Refuge

I think I should force myself write again. Or to be more precise, vomit words. Just so long as they come out, really, I don't care what it looks like.
This isn't writing to be read, or even read back.
It's just to allow an internal chaos to stop spinning inside me so violently I can barely stand still. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can get what I want. But it's getting hard to stay, unmoving, and live.
At some level, it feels like things aren't happening. Nothing is moving. I am stuck, and time is passing me by. I am older, uglier, more worthless, more of a failed potential, most likely walking into a catastrophe.
At another, things are happening quickly and I am not sure I fully understand them. I am not in control of a ship I am supposed to be driving. And I am scared I might end up at a place not great.
So this isn't writing. This is escaping from reality. A mere refuge.

Stopgap

When the world is burning
And your home isn't
Complaining about the weather
and switching on the airconditioning
is far too convenient a stopgap
to avoid

Ageing

Several years ago, my mom once commented in passing that watching your children grow old - to the point where they are independent and no longer need your help or opinion for everything - is not always a great feeling. I think I get that. Raising kids from nothing to adulthood is a long habit-forming time when you're completely responsible for basically keeping them alive and well.

But I think the feeling that's worse - a lot worse - is watching your parents grow old.
Slowly, every day. 

The missing bridge

There's a bridge missing
Perhaps never constructed
Between your anger and my silence
Your anger isn't just anger
It's everything you don't say
Or can't
Stress, pain, disappointment
Even encouragement
Hides behind the cloak of your anger
The screaming muffles every voice
But it's still too loud
Loud, at least, for my silence
That retreats and shrivels and shrinks
And walks to another room to cry
And loses its voice
But not its meaning
And therefore all we do
Is wait for time to flow
Or the clouds to descend
So we stop noticing
The absence of the bridge
As always.

The moral dimension

To leadership.
To hard decisions.
To choices.
To life.


#HardToRememberStuff

Love, forbidden

If only they had never met
Or met when it wasn't forbidden to care
If only they had never spoken
If only everything was as easy to share
If only he could bear the gloom in her eyes
If only he didn't move mountains for her cheer
If only he didn't need her to live
If only needing her wasn't so unfair
If only he could help falling in love
If only he could rip his heart for her bare
If only he weren't afraid they wouldn't survive the truth
If only his love was stronger than his fear
If only his arms wouldn't ache to hold her
If only his eyes wouldn't shamelessly stare
If only it was enough to watch her from afar
But if it didn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be love my dear.

Itni shiddat se khud se lad rahe hain
Na jee rahe hain, na dhang se mar rahe hain
Bas os ki boondon se bikhar rahe hain
Daudte lamhon ke darmiyaan theher rahe hain


Ek kal mein ji rahe hain, ek kal se dar rahe hain
Jane itni shiddat se kyun khud se lad rahe hain

#FirstWorldProblems

मेरे जैसों की struggles भी गजब हैं आज कल
जो है उस की कीमत नहीं, जो ना मिले, चाहत है वही
हर चीज़ की home delivery है
purpose  के लिए कोई app नहीं
Ambition है, patience नहीं
Boredom से बड़ी कोई problem नहीं
कभी छोटी चीज़ों से भी घबरातें हैं
कभी किसी बात का भी डर नहीं
Problems का answer भी दारु में ढूँढ़ते हैं
Celebration का भी धुँआ है वही
Knowledge  है, wisdom नहीं
Anger बहुत है, empathy नहीं 
Relationships  हमेशा  complicated ही रहती हैं
पैसा चाहिए, पर पैसे की कीमत भी नहीं
Commitment सबसे censored "C-word" है
Options चाहिए decisions नहीं
बस चले तो हम जीना भी outsource कर दें
इस आसानी से मिली ज़िन्दगी में excitement enough नहीं । 

Inertia

हम हैं क्योंकि,  बस, हम हैं
हम ना होते तो बदलता कुछ नहीं ।
ग़म मेरा तेरे ग़म से कम सही
ग़म का ना होना, ख़ुशी तो नहीं ॥




I am, because, only just because I am
If I weren't to be, no one would give a damn
Your problems might be bigger than mine, my boy
But absence of sorrows is not joy.

I need too much

I need sleep. But the kind which is deep, tired and restful with no nightmares.
I need food. But the kind that you love every morsel of because you were famished and because it was well-earned.
I need work. But the kind which is challenging, meaningful, frustrating and satisfying at the same time.
I need friends. But the real ones, the 4 am ones, the always-there-for-you-in-good-bad-or-no-news ones. The non-Facebook kind.
I need a life. But not like this. One I can afford to waste. One which I pretend has some meaning by spewing gibberish that sounds profound.

Leadership lessons HBS couldn't teach me

Here's the thing about leadership voids. 

Either you step up and fill them. Or you step out, before they consume you.

Because no matter how swanky the ship and no matter far the currents carry you, eventually, a captain-less ship gets lost in the sea.

Losing

When I first saw you, and was attracted to you, I tried my best and I did my best not to get close to you. I tried my best not to fall in love with you. Not to picture our hands intertwined. Not to think of our lives together that could have been. Not to dream of you lying next to me every night. But, my best couldn't win. I fell and fell so hard that I can never go back to a point where I don't love you like crazy. I lost, but it was the sweetest loss in my whole life.
Because I won you. Because you made the dream come true and made me live it every second. You put your hand in mine and completed the picture. You made my reality a hundred times better than any imagination.
And now I can't sleep unless you are next to me. I want your love, your anger, your tantrums, your smile. All of your smiles, because they still make my heart skip a beat.
I want this forever.
I want to keep losing to you, everyday for the rest of my life.

What does the heart say?

Is intuition over-rated?
Under-rated?

Is there such a thing as intuition?

"Making gut calls" is one thing. What about "waiting for the gut to say something so you can make a call"?

Rationalization is SO tempting. There's little that's TERRIBLE. Yet choices have consequences. Overwhelming consequences.


Your choice is being watched. Make it well.

Dude. Do I need more pressure? Hmph.

Decisions decisions. 

The haze

There is the what 
And then there's the why
Some times we don't ask the why in the first place
But often we do
often we ask whys only in vain
Not really wanting to know
Labeling it unknowable
Giving up too soon
And some other times still
We know
But we don't want to admit it
I guess if we persevered enough
To get to that why
The picture would be a lot clearer
But then again
The question I ask from within the frame
Is why even ask for a clearer picture
The haze is good
The haze is good

Change - XI

Even after all these years, even as I know what I know and understand what I understand from every single time this happened before, the truth is, I am still not good with change.
Especially when I can see it coming.
I am okay with ambiguity, but I am not okay with the anticipation. I dont like knowing and watching the slow unraveling and the inching towards endings. I dont like wondering what it means and wishing it meant more. I dont like thinking about the future when there is nothing I can do at the moment than to wait for it to come to me.

Life happens, I guess. Change is inevitable and mostly, it is a good thing. God knows I want things to change this time. I feel so done. And yet, transitions are not so great when you know you are in the middle of them.

At least, and this is the good part, I know that when it happens and I have to deal with the moments, I will be just fine irrespective of how things play out.

I can handle it.

Fangirling

I miss watching Rahul Dravid play. Live.

The excitement, the nervousness, the sheer bliss.

Oh man, I want to be 16 again.

If for no other reason, then just for this one.

Mere aansuon ko tere aansuon se
Shikwa bhi hai, mohabbat bhi hai
Sulagakar dil mein jo nazron mein pighalta
Gham jitna udhar hai, utna idhar bhi hai

Purpose

Nothing is ever wasted

- Nancy Koehn, Apr 14 2015

Stop dwelling. 

Stop wondering. 

Stop questioning. 

Keep doing. 

The purpose shall come to you.

Begin within.