Main shayar to nahi

Main Shayar to Nahi
Magar ae haseen
Jab bhi teri aankhon mein jhaankta hoon
Gazal khud-b-khud likhi jati hai
Tere aane se mehekti hai zindagi
Tere jaane se saans theher jaati hai
Jeene ki aarzoo teri muskaan mein hai
Marne ka bahaana bhi hai wahi kahin
Main shayar to nahi
Magar ae haseen
Woh lafz jo keh sakein tum kya ho
Kisi shayar ke paas nahi

Tadap

Mujhe apne dil mein chhupa ke rakh lo
Is duniya mein akele ab raha nahi jata

Maana tum haseen ho, kabhi humein bhi gale laga lo
Door se sitam-e-husn tumhara ab saha nahi jata

Khud padh lo meri aankhon mein deewangi meri
Tum saamne aa jao to hum se kuch nahi kaha nahi jata

Duniya ke chaand mein daag hai, mere chaand mein nahi
Raat bhar dekhe bina tumko ab raha nahi jata

Done and dusted

I wasn't used to being below par

The first time it happened, blamed the tester

The second time, I found faults with the test

Excuses followed: the system, the culture, the skill, the will

But soon it was the norm

I am just average now, most times

And occasionally, I am not good enough

I wasn't used to being below par
But I found I was anyway, and that I don't care

I didn't think life could be so tiring

But I was wrong too, for I am exhausted

I didn't believe I had no ambition

But I do not now dream any dreams at all

I did know I was fungible and replaceable

But now I realize I don't need me even in my own life

I asked myself what mattered

And answers started dying up

Love, friendship, happiness, purpose

Reduced to mere good-to-haves

What for, then, to wake up from the sleep?

Where to find the energy to breathe?

Why don't I stop asking silly questions?

Is it all over yet, or do I need to repeat?

Statistically insignificant

It's fall; winds blow all day

And leaves shed all around.

Another moment, another gust of wind

And a few more leaves shed

Probably means nothing special to you

Statistically insignificant, a comma in an epic.

But the leaf, each leaf 

Has a very different narrative

Profound, poetic, personal

Emotional, secretive, transitive.

But you'd miss all those stories

That leaf will just be a relic.

Once, you lived on the tree

The leaves were all distinct, all friends

Now reduced to multitudes of color

by time and distance, to seasonal trends

Would you ever be friends again?

Or would life always be so frantic.

It's so easy to drift apart

Almost the natural order of things

You start flying in another direction

With the slightest change in winds

Sure, other trees will fill the void

Sure, elsewhere you'd rediscover the magic

Probably this one doesn't really mean much to you

Statistically insignificant. A comma in an epic.

Incomparable loves

Lots of loving lovable loves
Loiter around in the throes of the heart
Who is to say which ones are greater
Love is always perfect, love is always flawed

Pyaar to aakhir pyaar hi hai
Naapein parkhein kaise koi
Ishq waala love bhi love hai
Aur pyaar hi hai khamoshi ka saath

Loves, unlike lovers, do not hate each other
They're far too self-obsessed to even care
The love for the moon doesn't rival that for night
They both just ignite, they both are just there

Mere pyaar se tera pyaar na kam na zyaada
Gehraiyaan na naapi jaayein inchi tape ke bharose
Na gin sakte hain aansu, na lafzon ko wazan karein
Is jado-jahid mein aksar pyaar hi jata hai bikhar

Some loves are fleeting, some undying
Some flicker with the candlelight and the wail
Some weaken, some strengthen, some draw off each other
Some give life and some lead down a dark trail

Gusse se bhi pyaar hai, teri muskaan pe bhi marte hain
Teri aankhon ke kone ke jugnu pe bhi hain kaayal
Pyaar kaun sa is duniya mein mukammal ho jaye
sab kismat ka hai khel

Kasoor

Mausam ke sang badal gayi hain agar
Chahatein tumhare dil ki
Rang to akhirkar jahaan mein kayi hai
Tumhara kasoor kya hai
Rang jeewan mein sab ko hain pasand
Aur chahaton pe zor chalta nahi
Chahatein to mann mein har pal umadti hain nayi
Tumhara kasoor kuch bhi to nahi
Par yoon to na dekho nafrat se mujhe
Main to khadi hoon aaj bhi wahin
Bhula sakte ho kya har pal har ehsaas ko
Patjhad ka purana mausam hi sahi
Shayad asaan hai ateet ko bhul jana
Par mere to aaj mein ab tak ho tum hi
Maine to bas ek mohabbat hi ki hai
Mera kasoor kya hai

Confusion

First up, apologies for the few who have missed updates on this page the last 3 weeks or so. And apologies to everyone who is looking for a follow-up of the fairly confusing previous posts -I promise there's a story to tell, and I promise to complete the Camouflage drafts currently lying on blogger, on my phone and in my head. But not now, not today.

Today is the day to ramble and wonder without much purpose. This whole purpose and meaning quest is an overhyped one, methinks. "Be yourself and follow your dreams" is great to hear and probably great to do, but what do you do when you don't really know who you are and what your dream is. And since you're a confused, lost soul scampering about for some elusive meaning, and that's who you're also encouraged to be, there's bound to come a point where you go whatthehell. Read this for more. Anyway, what choice do we have sirji.

So anyway, my own wandering and questioning took me last month from consulting to investing. For a while it felt like nothing had changed. There I was, on a morning flight to Mumbai, talking about same old stuff with someone I've known for more than 6 years now. Cribbing about morning flights and airline service. Looking for the driver at the airport holding a placard of my name. Only this time, the company name was different. And since then, it has been starting from scratch all over again. Finding my place. Finding new people. Being judged. Finding comfort in my own skin. Trying. And wondering whether I like it. Wondering where I'd end up. Wondering how. 

Life makes me want to live in a limbo. 

It's too early to look for answers anyway. I'm only looking for questions. And hoping. 

Undecided

I want too much
this and that and that and that
bahut saara, sab kuch
and I don't want anything either
Nothing, zilch, thank you please.
Maybe just what I have already.

Like a rising wave
in crests and thoughts
my desires these days
wax and wane, die and kill
I wonder what I want to choose-
red pill or the blue pill

Sometimes I want to live
like really really live, not just be
Sometimes I just want to die
Tired of the futility
Heisenberg is God
but Tughlaq is winning more
The perfect answer to every question
seems to be "I dont know" :)

Tired

Needs - too many. Desires - endless.

How much is too much? How much is enough?

Things have changed. Have they? How? Why?

Love? Attention? Companionship? Friendship? Which one is it? All of it? None of it?

Questions - too many. Restlessness - endless.

Weak. Very weak. Alone. Very alone. Crazy. Very crazy. Me. Very me.

शुक्र है

कई बार कई फैसले
हमारी ज़िन्दगी के
हम नहीं करते
नहीं कर पाते
शुक्र है|
बोझ अपने ही फैसले जीने का
भारी नहीं लगता वैसे तो
पर कई बार राह लम्बी हो
और सफ़र करना पड़े अकेले
तो बोझ बहुत बढ जाता है

सब फैसले खुद के नहीं होते
शुक्र है|

Limbo

Sometimes it is hard to decide whether having a choice is better than not having any.
Life has stopped moving in any direction, and the inertia of the interim has started to get to me. The depressing thing is that neither of the possible short term alternates look attractive enough to energise. One slightly better and slightly worse than the other - that's all.

The good thing however, is for the first time in a long time, the medium/long term looks like something I would like to live for.
Now, how about some sunshine?
Actually, on second thought, the monsoon is great - the rain makes me want to fall in love, and the damp nights make longing that much thirstier.
Que sera sera, I guess.

Because there's more to it than meets the eye, but whatever, doesn't matter.

There are few things more gruesome than a clash between an idea and a reality. Neither wins, both get ruined. We say a thousand things, we mean some of them, and even then, meanings change over time. People change over time. Expectations?, those too.

They say, "I understand", but do they? They promise otherwise, and they still do what the world does. Leave. Leave a void.
It's easy to be evil. You find explanations and excuses. You find reasons to be angry, but guilt doesn't recede, doesn't die.

Shall live with this as well. If it is fated, it better be for a good end.

Mad at the world, mad at myself. Mad at the inadequacies of words, mad at the incapability of self.
There is no right thing to say. There is no right thing to do.

There's no Ctrl+Z, there's no Escape. The truth be masked, the void be left alone, learn not to care, and move on. And hope for peace.

Theek hai, sometimes not having a choice is better than having too many. Sometimes not being cared for is better than care you cannot reciprocate.

Sometimes, being someone else is better than being yourself.
If only...

Adios.

I see a story everywhere.

The eyes they see
Elegant man, gentleman, a married admirer
An old guy, a young lad
Enduring nude grin
Stupid girl drips guilt
The ears hear, set car has a crash
Can't rely on it, certainly not
Listen silent conversation, no voices rant
Love? Violent Tainted date!
The answer wasn't here.
Hey you coward! Why do you care?
I fear to think I'm here
I think, therefore I am.

Kill me.

It is difficult to ask for forgiveness when you are not even ready to forgive yourself.

There's a mixed indigestible taste in the mouth - the bitterness of guilt, the sweetness of pain and the sour taste of what's always been sweet.

How do you prove intent? How do you compensate for loss of belief? Is there anyway to repair that fragile thing called trust in trust?

There isn't.
Things don't always go as you plan. Or as you want. Or as you mean.

Hate myself.
Wish it was simpler to quit living.

Change-IX ?

I have a strong urge for change...an urge to quit everything and go somewhere far away, another country perhaps, for a year or so and live/work/study/do anything there - essentially, make a different life, alone, free from all the baggage and my life as I've known it so far. See if an alternate version of my life can/does exist? See if that makes me want to live, or at least value appropriately the plenty good I've in my life.

Don't know what this means. Don't know what I want.

Low

It's a bad night
- one of those.
I try a deep breath
through the nose
so it relieves the ache
living in my chest
If only for a moment
I get some rest.
I feel alone
and worthless
angry at the world
stupid, aimless.
Just like the stupid rhyme
of these lines
I feel crappy and shredded
by Naxal landmines.
(see what I mean
I dont even have words
the motivation is dead
but phoenixes are stupid undying birds)

Over rated

That's what being nice is.

Being humble, polite, considerate, sensitive, liberal, respectful. Not saying things you feel in the heat of the moment because they are mean, exaggerated and not fully true.

All of it, is simply over-rated.

Being who you should be, is over rated.

SO mad at myself.

UPDATE: Comments are back. Still mad at google.

Promise

I couldn't wipe every tear
I couldn't always lend an ear
I couldn't kill every fear
I did not bring you cheer
every time, like I promised

I know I did not
I tried, I could not
I'm sorry I forgot
I tried and I fought
and I will, like I promised

The one where life feels utterly worthless to live in

*Crib Alert*

As time passes, I realize, I am liking life less and less.
Growing up is very confusing, very painful and increasingly lonely. Why the hell does anyone ever want to grow up?

Things were so much simpler when I was younger. And they just keep on getting worse - it's hardly worth complaining when I compare my life with a few other people around. Nonetheless, it's not worth it, this life.

Falling in love was so much simpler four years back than it is now. It used to be simple, joyous and strengthening - now it can make me feel weak and helpless, the same love. When did it become so powerful?
Deciding what to do in life was so much simpler. Limited options, enough time, and limited risk. One could just be good at what one chose to do. But now? What job? To study further or not? Where is the career headed? Where is the money gonna come from? My parents wanna know when do I plan to get married. Or why dont I want to stay in BCG till I make partner. Hell, I don't know where I am going to be next week.

Having friends was so much simpler. People just became friends, and stayed so. Now, there are colleagues, acquaintance, bosses, juniors, hangout gangs etc Old friends are as spread away and occupied in their lives as I am, many have simply moved on so far away from the lifestyle that afforded them the luxury of people like me that they're not even the same. Everything is so much more lonely around here.
Even family - they were around and wanted you to be around all the time. And then, somehow, in the struggle to gain some space and acceptance, suddenly there comes a point when my parents don't want me to take a transfer to Delhi office and shift here because Mumbai has better "career scope" and they're already used to this arrangement. And here I was fighting to get a transfer. I still don't know whether I am going to get it, but in Mumbai, where I don't like it alone, I am suddenly almost homeless with both my flatmates announcing they wanna move out asap and I certainly cant afford the rent alone, and back in Delhi, to be honest, what do I have to bring me back.
This when my job kills most of my waking hours and is making me travel all alone to random cities- airport to airport. And it's not as fun as it sounds.
All this is a mess, I know, with a hundred more complications, and I am supposed to decide all alone. Why the hell?

This life is getting lonely, confusing and too demanding. I'm out of energy.

I want out.

Naina

Nainon ki mat maaniyo re nainon ki mat suniyo
naina thag lenge thag lenge naina thag lenge

Even today, those few moments are as fresh in my memory as the raindrops bathing the windows outside. What is it about rain that makes memory zip across to times long gone, and still never forgotten. Tonight, while sleep eludes, I'm once again transported to those years when monsoons meant at least seven days of uninterrupted rain. Tonight, while the enveloping darkness refuses to sing me a lullaby, I hear voices inside my heart that still refuses to get silenced. The brightness of those eyes -- beautiful, innocent eyes I brought endless tears to -- blinds my eyes. I lost my heart to those eyes. I lost the sleep of my nights to an elusive beauty. I do not know what I took away from them, but this rain serves as a cruel reminder of my failure to understand her, her love and above all, my own love, while it still mattered. I wish I didn't let her leave, I wish things were not so difficult. The why that she never asked, is now irrelevant. I could not give her what she asked for; I did not know how much I needed what I got from her without asking.
I wish she'd said something, cried, fought, cursed anything...so I could have realized what I was doing, but she just listened to me, shivered in silence and turned back, tears in her eyes. It was only after she left, and refused to ever come back, that I realised the trail she'd left in my life.

The trail of tears, that makes it rain in my heart, every such night when there's rain outside.

I'm sorry, Mansha.

bin badal barsavein sawan
sawan bin barsaatan
naina bawra kar denge
naina thag lenge naina thag lenge thag lenge naina thag lenge