UNABASHEDLY UNAPOLOGETIC...

I have been told that I say sorry a lot(not too long ago). I don't know how much of that is true or valid, but for the time being let me accept it, and almost as a reformatory measure, I've decided to become unapologetic for the same, and vehemently so. In this attempt, I might end up with an arbit post( like a lot of my other arbit posts), but then the same person told me that I just can't help being arbit! No debates there...[:D][:D][;)]

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Everyone, or at least most of us, do carry with us several guilts, big or small, and on issues serious and trivial. Guilts are few of the most personal things one possesses. But several times we have an option too, of ignoring or at least suppressing our guilts strongly enough such that they do not affect our 'tangible' thought-processes and visible actions. More often than not, this turns out to be a good thing. But sometimes I'm forced to wonder if we are not in effect suppressing our conscience at times in our attempts to keep our guilts from the public domains of our existence. Anyway, I have no real intentions of emptying out more philosophy from my endless coffers in this post. It's just that a few days back there was a screening of Amu here, a recent, national-award winning movie based on the 1984 Delhi riots, and the movie plus the ensuing discussion actually got me thinking a bit about the inexplicable-to-me attitude that we in india have about what happened, and to think of it, several such issues. It's like we all share a guilt, but probably we are so ashamed of it, we even refuse to acknowledge it openly. I wasn't even born when Nov 1984 happened, but it actually surprises me to some extent that all I really got to know in 18 yrs of my life abt the topic was that yes, there were some violence between Hindus and sikhs in Delhi when Indira Gandhi died, and that it's probably another of those dead issues BJP keeps crying itself hoarse abt, to attack Congress, when it can find nothing 'relevant' to say (and yes, I accept, the recent Nanawati commission reports and controversies actually got me thinking about the topic for the first time). Now, with improved knowledge and hours of thinking under my belt, I first of all feel ashamed for my lack of sensitivity to the relevance of the topic, but no, I'm not apologetic at all. Because my indifference has stemmed from the indifference and the shockingly protective attitude of the society I've grown up in, and these are the people, the generation before mine, who are the ones who are actually so unapologetic, and shamelessly so, about what is a national shame. Somehow, we're all concerned these days about media, and it's increasingly unregulated role and influence in our society. But for once, I'm really grateful to the fact that the media, fuelled by competition and perhaps solely-profiteering motives, at least gave gujarat soem kind of coverage, so that the perpetrators of Godhra-and-after could not be let off like those of delhi-1984, atleast not that easily. It doesnt ensure justice for sure, and unfortunately, a lot of injustice happened and is still happening with the victims of Gujarat. But atleast u and me sitting in the comforts of our homes miles away from Gujarat 'know' about it, at least we feel for them, at least we feel ashamed of it, atleast we know Modi is a crook, at least we apologise to the international community for a national carnage. I know it's not enough by any standards, but considering how something as ghastly that happened in the very place I have lived all my life in is not even given the right to "words", it's atleast better. From where I see it, it's like the common masses of our country have collectively chose to shut their eyes. What i dont undertsand is why? To shut ur eyes to a problem, to not acknowledge it at all, is only a way to escape it for the time being, and ensure that it resurfaces again sooner or later(which it has), rather than solving it. I could have felt sorry for what happened. I could have offered my sympathies and apologies here to those who suffered, but I won't. It just doesnt mean anything, given the attitudes our society has shown. Crowds are known to be forgetful, but we never had the right to forgive ouurselves on pseudo-behalf of the victims in our mighty acts of benevolence, did we?

नज़र

नज़र नज़र की बात है
खेल बदलते वक्त का है
जो कभी अश्कों के साथ बहा था
रंग आज भी लाल उस रक्त का है
पानी सा बह रहा है आज मगर
ना कोई दर्द ना कोई जज़्बात है
कसूर इन सुर्ख बून्दों का नहीं
ये तो नज़र नज़र की बात है।

चलती हुई हवाओं को
कोई आँधी कहे कोई झोंका
कोई उड् गया तूफ़ानों में
तो किसी ने तूफ़ानों को रोका
इन्हीं तूफ़ानों में फ़से थे कल तक
मगर आज सब कुछ शान्त है
आज हवा चले भी तो एहसास नहीं होता
बस नज़र नज़र की बात है।

कल कोई दिल का टुकडा था
आज ज़ख्म बन के रह गया
वो हर सपना जो कल संजोया था
आंसूओं के साथ बह गया
कल अंधेरों में भी उजाले थे
आज आठों पहर ही रात है
सूरज को कोई दोष ना देना
ये तो नज़र नज़र की बात है।

वही लौ जो रोशनी देती थी
खिडकी पे रखी बाती में
ना जाने कब वो आग बन गयी
मिटाया सब कुछ
जिसने क्रान्ति में
शमा के दो रूप देखता है वो ही
परवाना जो उसमें जलता है
नज़र नज़र की बात है सब कुछ
खेल बदल्ते वक्त का है॥

This is what I am

CONFUSION

Your mind
Is my favourite abode;
I intrude at the first opportunity.

I'm born
Instantly, anywhere, anytime;
My existence is from and upto infinity.

Chaos and me
Form the loveliest of couples;
The presence of one leads to another.

Thought
Is my biggest enemy,
Though if it gets too deep, it doesn't bother.

Time
Is what I don't respect-
Nor shall I let you, I love delays.

Some minds
Make better homes than others.
It's here that I grow best and inculcate relays.

Alternatives
Look ugly because of me;
My fashion sense is sadly out-of-date.

Yet power
Is my slave, and a big strength.
For I can then influence the course of Fate.

I diminish
In the light of Clarity and Reason.
My all-pervasive growth is halted by Determination.

Mistakes
Are my children;Ignorance the best pa
lYou all know me too well...
Yours truly,
Confusion.

Some preaching+Some News...

Among the first few words that normally people use if they describe me is "enthu", or bubbly or energetic...meaning thereby that I have as many fans of my energy and exuberence as I have people who detest my over-excitement and hyperactivity! No, I'm not here to discuss 'my public perception' or my good qualities(?) vis-a-vis the bad ones(wd take several blogs to document :P). I don't think public perception is really an important worthful entity beyond a certain point, because by its very nature it's so volatile, fluctuating, baseless and inflated that one couldn't care less for it! They say you can never please everybody in this world. i believe if you can please ur own questioning self and satisfy ur own conscience, nothing else is important. The question of morality and the question of right and wrong are both so relative, so parametrised for each individual that they're not questions in itself at all. We can't let the rights and wrongs decided by others determine the shoulds and should-nots of our life. Last year there was a debate in IIT on the topic "Anarchy is the best form of utopia". I perhaps could never decide for sure whether I believed in it or not, but if there has to be a utopian world, strongly feel that it is imperative that life is self-ruled and conscience-judged, for a rule, a change, or a should that is imposed is always one opposed..to be accepted, it has to come from within. That is why the people look at you, the way they think about you, or whatever they believe about you-good or bad- becomes worthless after a certain point, and that certain point is the one that refers to the limits that mutual repect and humane tolerance sets for us- both of which are essential societal qualities, essential for survival, for EVERYONE has the right to an opinion, and believein in it, but as always, rights come with the basic duty of acknowledging and respecting others' rights too. So I don't care when ppl call me enthu or hyperactive, frank or bold, 'chape' or supportive, flirt or friendly, intrusive or friendly, gossiper or resourceful, snobbish or smart...I give u the right to have an opinion and I reserve my right of paying any attention to it or not.

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NEWSFLASH

In my last blog, I missed the most important thing that happened to me that weekend, but now i think i owe this blog, and every reader this...I finally realised nobody is really 'the wrong one', and for all those who told me after reading http://apublicdiary.blogspot.com/2005/08/unsuitable-boy.html that if u love him, then he can't be the wrong guy...Thanx a lot, I got the point :D
I looked at him with a fresh pair of eyes, and saw only the good things, so that now.......
OK, no censored information on public blogs...[;)]
:P:P:D
Thanxxxx, I love you....

A GIFT TO ME FROM MYSELF...

Very often I pass though phases in life when everything becomes so routine and normal that life seems almost abnormal...Of course, I wouldn’t call the current phase that I'm going through "normal" or "boring" by any chance, for there're so many exciting things happening. So much to look forward to, so much to get enthu about, so much to get angry at, so much to cry about...I just love the pain! And amongst all this, a relatively uneventful weekend that just passed by looks very very strange to me :P. After Friday's nightout (I slept at 8:30 Sat morning, for about two hours) a large part of my Saturday went browsing through the week's newspapers, sleeping for half an hour every two hours, and reading this particular book called KANTHAPURA, which is a prescribed text for my Hukka! Nic-ish book, though stupidly funny and irritatingly descriptive at times, but I had to read it-firstly because I had no choice, and secondly because it is indeed a good insight into literature in India in 1938 when it was published, and read with that perspective, it immediately becomes interesting...

But Sunday being Friendship's day, was slightly better, though mainly because of two good matches of cricket I got to watch peacefully after so much of time. Yeah, India defeated the Windies, and Yuvi and Kaif batted splendidly so that now it's on to tomorrow's final, but for the sheer sake of cricketing delight and the pleasure of witnessing a good contest, England's narrow win over Australia was worth a watch! As they say, it really doesn't get bigger than the Ashes, and Flintoff's performance was as much worth an applause as the Aussie fightback. Needing 62 to win with one wicket to spare, they managed to get within two runs of victory, and the whole thing was quite incredible! There's hardly any other team in the world who'd have even attempted such a fightback after being 175-8 at stumps the day before. Two little, too much!!

Coming on to friendship day, well, I have never been able to figure out why there has to be something like a Friendship day (or Valentines' Day, or mothers' day, teachers' day, etc.etc. for that matter). No relationship is such that it becomes meaningful, or "extra-meaningful" for just one day all of a sudden, and if it does, there's something seriously wrong in the very basis and paradigm of existence of such a relationship. Still I was quite amazed at the way I was inundated with emails, offliners, SMSs and phonecalls right since the stroke of mid night on Sunday, almost as if it was a fashion rage. Of course I certainly appreciate and thank my friends who found me deserving enough to be called a "friend", to be wished, and to be extended the warmth from their hearts. The whole thing was quite humbling and heart-warming. But it kind-of amuses me when I reflect on how the long list of the people who remembered me included some long-lost acquaintances, or some very "freshly-familiar strangers", and how some of those I spend almost the whole day currently were missing! No, I'm not upset with the latter lot, infact I'm doubly pleased, because it just goes to show that real feelings are never slave to an expression or a declaration. Some things are best unsaid, and those are the things that are closest to your hearts...People asked me what all did you do yesterday, to "celebrate", and I just say, "why, the usual?" because the things that truly have any meaning did not become more significant yesterday with a friendship band, and neither did those that don't.

But then, perhaps, I’m ignoring the good side of it all. Perhaps, there is some merit in having a special day dedicated to a certain emotion, esp. one as precious as friendship, for it gives us an excuse to take a break from the maddening pace of life and sit back and remember those that maybe far from us at present but are/were near to our hearts anyway, because perhaps, an excuse is all we need! :)

I guess I sound like a hypocrite, an perhaps I'm one, for like every year did the only xclusive thing that I do on Friendship Day: Prayed for all my friends first thing in the morning, and then bought my closest friend a cute blue-coloured Friendship Band......

I somehow love pampering myself with all this. I now have seven bracelets saying FRIEND with me....

Oh BTW, HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY TO EVERYONE!!:)

AN UNSUITABLE BOY!

This world we live in-in its real, fictional, as well as dreamworld incarnations- abounds with stories of mishaps in love. Infact, as many as 90 %(or more?) of all love stories have one or more tragic angles to it, and many a times these angles are responsible for the disappearance of the "love" such that yet another woeful story is all that remains... We all have either lived through or seen, experienced or heard many such miserable experiences, where the lightning of disaster strikes upon love either in form of triangles/quadrangles, or as compatibility issues, or as family problems, or as ego and time constraints, or as the perennial "we're just friends" rejections, or as lonely tales of unconfessed love.....the list is endless.

The point that I'm trying to make is, that there are virtually an endless number of broken hearts all around us, and an equal number of reasons that led to the 'Great Shattering'. I don't think there's anyone who doesn't know all this. The pain, the jubilation, the hurt, the ecstasy, the agony, the elation, the smiles, the tears, the anxiety, the confidence, the loneliness, the companionship, the ditching, the flirting, all the goods and the bads- all these are emotions so familiar in the whirlwind of love that I can almost feel them when I write these lines....

People break up for all kinds of reasons and non-reasons, not that they get into relationships with any really logical ones, but basically the whole thing scares me so much I've virtually abstained from relationships all my life. Not that the emotions cannot be felt otherwise, but why invite so much pain on yourself...

Anyway, I've seen sufficient numbers of love stories and loveless stories, but the worst kinds of heartbreaks are those that are mostly silent. stories where love stays unconfessed and unspoken for so long it loses it's vitality, and even the right to an identity!! The hurt of experiences which end with lotsa shouting and cursing is perhaps more bitter in taste, but I believe the wounds heal faster there. In any case, i'm definitely not pronouncing opinions from an experinced platform, so let me not comment too much on this.

But among all the teary eyes and sore hearts and silent woes, what if the worst happens...What if you fall in love with someone who you KNOW is the wrong one for you, but you just can't help it? What if you struggle with not just an unspoken love, but your own conscience reminding you how wrong ur choice is, in effect ensuring the "unspoken" bit? What if your own mind ridicules you for being so stupid, but the heart doesn't listen anyway? When you look at him/her, and want to keep looking at him/her whatever, but the "logic" bit keeps banging in your head and eventually u bow ur head, wipe ur moist eyes, and try and walk away from all this? When you wanna run away even from yourself? When you hate yourself, but just can't help it? When you curse him/her in front of everybody who cares to listen or doesn't, but still pray for him/her everynight? When you keep explaining yourself how cheap/ useless/ worthless/ unsuitable/ undeserving/ characterless/ ugly/ mean/ selfish/ uncaring he/she is, but still at the end of all this, end up with a "I still love him/her...dunno why but I do!" confession to yourself?

It's so difficult to wait for the right person in your life, esp, when the wrong one is as nice as...

It's just the worst feeling in the world. I just hope nobody lives through all this, I just hope this world becomes utopian all of a sudden and all love stories become embodiments of happiness overnight. I know it won't happen, I know it can't, not even in a dream...then this is life...but hope.....

Enough crap! I've cracked out I guess...
But can't help it....

I'm in love with the wrong guy!

:(

ACCESS DENIED

Sorry but I'm in a pretty angry, frustrated and male-bashing mood right now. So, self-confessed male chauvinists may skip this one.


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I hate to sound feminist, and I hate to sound like a moral police, but sometimes, men, and the "male mentality", it's so so sick that it just gets onto your nerves. What's wrong with the guys of today's world? What makes them lose all sensibilities, wisdom, and mannerism they might have learnt as children so easily to the one "virtue" of perversion! It's not just the media or the NGOs that keep crying themselves hoarse claiming our cities are unsafe for women, it's the general public, you and me, men and women who are all, in general, apprehensive about the state of affairs that is.

Everyone agrees that Delhi is a nightmarish city for women to live in, but do we really realize why? We just claim that the attitude of the society is not healthy, the public is unresponsive, the Delhite male is cheap, vulgar and disrespectful, and the whole community is sick. But I just wanna ask, WHO is this community, this public, this society? Is it not you and me who form this society? If you be honest, it's not hard to realize that a lot of men today are guilty of being apprehensive about the safety of their own womenfolk-wives, mothers, girlfriends, sisters and daughters- but do not hesitate to pass a casual comment, a sexual advance, or even more, at an unknown woman-somebody else's wife, mother, girlfriend, sister or daughter, and most of all, a woman! They'd advise their daughters against remaining out after dark even if their work/education requirements demand them to, claiming that the society is full of evil men ready to hound on them like hungry wolves, but many a times join the wolf brigade themselves, with "adventurous" acts of their own.

I could write more of this, but what's the point. The women already know this well, and the men know it too, much better, provided they realize it. The point is that the basic attitude sucks, and we end up doing nothing other than creating an even unsafe and biased world for women to live in, where they must confine themselves and their abilities because this insecure male gender is not ready to give them basic human respect and have made every step a danger for them. Perhaps it's too far-fetched, but I'm sometimes forced to wonder if it's a large-scale conspiracy by men to maintain their superior hold and domination in a world where women crave for equality and opportunity, and manage to do very well given a chance!The most disgusting angle of the story is the involvement of youth in this. Indeed, we have middle aged rascals raping eight year olds in the news headlines, but the eve-teasing Roadside Romeos between 16-26 is a far more dangerous and populous species without doubt. Of course I hate animals of the kind who keep getting too close for comfort to girls traveling alone in buses, who keep getting drunk and spreading nuisance in the middle of the road, who keep passing comments and what not to any girl passing by, but I have an even bigger problem with the White Collared Wolf- the species that comes from a decent family, is educated, has friends among girls, has a loving sister and mother and sometimes a girlfriend, who's modern, aware and stylish, and who's probably gonna marry a decent girl some day and get into a decent job.

Men like these-whom girls consider ok to talk to, and who're supposed to be the bright future of the society and the nation - I hate the animal within them.

Yes, I'm talking of the average college-goer, "normal" guy, who everyone of us knows, and I'm talking of the disgusting lecher within, who drools at every female colleague, who "sizes up" every girl they see, and everything else which is too stupid to mention. Yes, they're very normal and friendly outwardly, some even claim to be sensitive and respecting, but I'm too shocked, scared and disappointed by their dangerous minds. Of course, being in an engineering college with a horrible sex ratio, I get to see several such examples everyday.

Men? Morals? Huh! There's NOTHING in common between the two words, except that first letter.Maybe I'm being a little hyper and cynical, I know I can't really generalize everything, but forgive me for being so angry. I'm a victim of MA(I)L(E) MENTALITY writhing in pain.

After receiving several mails from several dogs who proclaimed me a bitch for their own reasons, I got this shocking mail from an old friend (no actually, an acquaintance, I never knew him too much, he was just a class geek and my lab partner occasionally). Among other stuff, this is what he wrote...

"I've always loved you from the core of my heart, and I even imagined hugging and smooching you at times. If you as a friend could give me what I want, we could arrange a meeting at a hotel room or my friend's house which is vacant. If you want I can even give you some money for the same. I think u know what I mean..."

My reply? F**k off!!

Ever seen a more shocking abuse to the words "love" and "friend".And seriously, this guy is some bookworm, with a decent reputation in general, just a little irritating and selfish, but nothing so cheap.Now do u get my point?
That is why I'm too disgusted with men, and for all practical purposes, and for all men in general, for reasons other than this as well, as far as I'm concerned, anything beyond a decent healthy friendship meets a single board "ACCESS DENIED!!"

P.S. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS GUY IS NOT CURRENTLY IN MY COLLEGE...AND ANYWAY I'M NOT GOING TO DISCLOSE HIS IDENTITY. SO PLEASE DON'T MAKE A HUE AND CRY ABOUT IT ANY MORE( FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE COMMENTED SUCH...)

Sabbaticals and Sine Curves

Why does life move in such sine curve like patterns? Perhaps that's the whole fun about it, but still, why does 'my' life in particular have to be such a bumpy road, so 'sadly happening' that something or the other keeps on happening all the time that it appears to be more a trek on valleys and peaks (one following the other with an extremely high frequency) than a smooth cruise with a few bumps courtesy the rising and falling of waves that it is with most people normally. Huh....I guess I should cut this off; there's no point thinking about something I can't do anything about- and what the hell, it's not as if I don't lve mountains and trekking!!![:P]

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So, finally, a pretty long sabbatical from blogging is partially over, though I'm not gonna return to the original home for sure.Anyway, there's been a pretty big list of things that I've done and things that I haven't during this long, boring vacations that's thankfully over now. But let's not go into all that...The past one week (almost) has been spent here in college, and it's been good for most parts. Tiring yes, but then the excitement of getting tired all over again after months of uselessness has caused even the <20>"I thought I shall be alone
But I got a new home away from home
I thought there would be no one to share
But I got lots of love, guidance and care
I believed life so far had been steep
But I learnt that there are miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep..."
~Adios

It's Never The End of The Road, Unless You Stop Walking!

Yeah, u read that right!

It's just one of those things I knew and managed to re-discover![:D]
being in college cheers u up so much, I swear!
I feel alive, again!

REBOOT!!!

There are some things even oblivion will reject...some people who are so stubborn that they manage to return even after they die...
Yeah, you guest it right. ME, the ghost is back to haunt....
Turn the page, the public diary is reopened!
Cheers...