The Lives and the Voids

There used to be a life. Barely alive, yet existant. Tiny, contained, spiritless, boring, yet closed and content. With a big empty void resounding with silence and with blinding darkness. It used to question. It sought answers. And the rest of the time it amused itself by crazy forms of self-entertainment. It learnt sadism, but ended up practising masochism. And loving it. It learnt self-pity, and fell in love with misery. And that was when the downfall began.

Crazy forms of self-entertainment now produced joy, but only ephemeral joy. Crazy forms of self-punishment, however, had more lasting effects. And thus the life began to absorb pain from all quarters, as much as it could. In-house production of healing joy fell down drastically, both due to excess of wounds as well as scarcity of time devoted to it. Life continue to move on though, and strangely enough managed to grow a bit as well. The void grew along.

Then something happened. Thought penetrated in and brought in loads of energy. Life decided to try the path of hard work and continuous effort. The boundaries defining the life began to get merged...in other lovable lives. Life learnt giving and receiving care. Life learnt giving and receiving love. Life learnt what other lives called 'living'. Life knew it was not its fate to do that. But now life knew what it could not do and get.

Knowledge can be very dangerous at times, even more than ignorance. At the same time, more or less, the energy reserves began to gave away, the hard working path got hazy and tougher and the merged lives began to break away and apart. The rose period was over. Life found it tougher to live again. Darkness returned with deafening silences, both magnified with time. Things broke almost the same time as trust in them did. And life, which now also knew what it shouldn't have known, is finally getting tired. The void has been ignored for a lot of time now, but unfortunately it never ceased to grow. Now life is alone again, with all support, care and love disappearing or disappeared, left with the Void alone. It is alive still, though. Life is struggling, trying, losing, but don't ask me to predict the future.

I only live in the present.

Nobody said it better than...

...thoda hai, thode ki zaroorat hai....................

Kuch to baat hogi nazaron mein unki
jo khamosh rehkar bhi karti hain bayan ki dil ka haal kya hai
Kuch to matlab hoga ishq ka bhi logon
tabhi to ji rahe hain akele,warna zindagi mein bacha kya hai

100 seconds

The 100 seconds game was on.

For a second or two I hesitated, unable to decide whether to peek inside her mind or his, but time was running fast and a mere observer could definitely not come close to understanding the beauty the joy and the passion of the moments to come. I saw something powerful in her eyes, and hence entered her mind.

The game was already on though. He lay still, with eyes shut, body relaxed, enveloped in peace. The alarm had been set to ring after 01:40 minutes, and thus meanwhile, he was all hers. I didn't detect much of a thought inside her, but a forceful passion, something that almost took me by surprise with its power the moment I entered, but it only served to remind me again the power of true love. Her eyes saw him as the most beautiful, most lovable, most desirable thing ever. Dazed in the intensity of love, I just watched on as she moved on him, beginning with sucking his toes and then slosly rising upwards on his legs. His body quivered a little, as she reached his butt, caressing it like a soft bear. She lifted his hands in hers, kissed them and touched them with her cheek, and proceeded to massage her arm.

It was less than 50 seconds left, and all I felt inside her was ecstasy and flooding passion. I decided to shift, and peek inside his mind, to know what he was going through being at the receiving end of such affection, yet laying still reactionless himself bound by the rules of the game. Not surprisingly, the instant I entered his mind feelings of immense bliss, excitation, lust and powerful energy hit me. And alongside there was peace, security, comfort and delight to compliment the aroused anticipation. I felt in heaven there. She moved her hand through his torso, her delicate touch caressing the stomach and the chest, and under the layer of clothing his body felt the scintillating chill. His heart was breathing faster all the time, but when her hand stayed there at his heart for a couple of seconds, he felt like he could have died without regrets. Something inside him was leaping, something else was struggling for the 100 seconds to get over so he could hug her tight and love her back. Ecstasy it was, but there were still 25 seconds or so to go.

He felt her lips on his neck, and shoulders, just brushing past, yet slowly and sensually. That carried on to her face and every inch of him now began to hurt out of a desire for her. Just a few more seconds, the mind told the body. Clearly the game was working. Her soft lips reached her eyes and rested on them, gently kissing as if sucking away all the malice they ever saw. Finally she reached her lips, the drama was climaxing, and fittingly enough ended in a soft sweet loving kiss, and her eys appeared as if she would make him drink all the love she had inside her through her lips. She broke away all of a sudden...must have been only a few seconds left, but it had been a moment of such pure enrapturing love that I stayed peacefully where I was with my eyes shut too, absorbing all the beauty and waiting for the alarm to go off, just like him.

The alarm did ring, and slowly I opened my eyes, followed my him opening his. There was a tear of grateful joy in his eyes, and lots of love. It was going to be his turn for the next 100 seconds as she promised. But she wasn't there. He looked around; I rushed outside of him and looked around. But she was no more there. Confused despair filled his eyes, shock filled mine. Why did she go away? Damn, why wasn't I inside her head....

Why did she go away?

I have a feeling she had to go, but why why why....

Quest

Some things are tough to understand, but some understandings are really tough to live with. But what fun is life without the tough bitter bits? What joy is living without the challenges competing to defeat you? And let me be honest, when life is rather smooth and eventless (which is to say, without overt sweeping worries) I for one am always prone to the demons within, that probe and question and torture, and that is much more excruciatingly painful to me. Why then, run away from sorrows, if sorrows are all there is "permanent"about life and living? Why, then, not concentrate on grabbing as many of the few, tiny, perhaps trivial in the long run, moments of joy and silly bliss as possible? Isn't, at some level or the another, everything trivial in the long run??

What is the long run anyway? Why can't I be crazy, silly, transgressive, ziddi and happy in the moment? What prevents my soul constantly from feeling happy? Why do I feel as if there's nowhere I belong to? Why do I seek salvation in the comforting darkness and numbing tears that flow with the rain? Why do I seek myself in somebody else's joy? What am I searching for all the time, when at the face of it I have everything I want at the moment? Certain memories become a part of us as we grow through them. Moments that aren't just etched into the heart but have actually become a part of your existence. A silent night, bright with the stars, and a melting heart. Another night, much darker, and wetter. A touch of owning and acceptance. A jerk of hurt and denial. The orange light and a few souls that cared. The white light and a pair of eyes that stared. Time that stopped, time that flew, time that brought and took away. But what I ask myself is why am I trying so hard to memorise every moment? Why am I trying so hard to live that I neither know "I"nor "try"nor "live"as to what they really mean? Why am I questioning so much?

And now you know why I haven't been blogging all last month. It just doesn't make any sense. To anyone. Nothing in this world is harmless; there are only harmless dosages and harmless methodologies. Thinking/talking to myself in this dosage certainly isn't. But seriously, I'm tired. What is the point dying before I have to? Or even after I needed to? The question is simply this...should I accept the inevitable and relax (follow the Americans'line that is....When the rape is inevitable just lie down peacefully and enjoy it) or should I go on fighting, and searching, on this quest for I-dont-know-what.

I shouldn't blog. What crap!

Clouds

Behind the changing shapes of clouds, hides the water suspended.
Sometimes with a smile on its face, sometimes with a dreams to part.
Deception creates illusions pretty, and underneath its shadow life goes on.
Some nights the rain falls silent, in the pain of the search for a place in your heart.

Everybody Hurts

I'm at a loss of words.
Although the above describes the present perfectly, it is also one of the excuses for my nearly complete absence from blogosphere ever since I returned. I'm just tired of the computer and the web for one(and hostel speeds don't provide any encouragement to someone accustomed to Sweden speeds) and secondly I have been feeling stifled, lost, frustrated and a little dazed all the time so I never felt any zeal to pour out words out of me in any form whatoever. No blogs, no diary, no creative writing, and almost no heart-to-heart talks. But don't think this is because I miss Sweden or hate being back or something. Sweden is thankfully over for good, and I do love IIT a lot.
But now I really hate myself. And I don't think this is like my short-lived old modes which came regularly and disappeared with a kind word and a few smiles. I had been feeling the draining of energy, enthusiasm, worth and confidence out of me for a few days, and tonight it seems the drainage is complete. I think I'd survive though...something tonight told me I neither have a right to live nor die. I can see the mirror now, and I'm not really proud of my reflection any more.
Everybody hurts. Sometimes. Hold on? What for?
duh uh.
It's gonna rain, and it won't be wet.

Some hearts

....can never be parted......

Lost

Sometimes...it's fun to be lost.
Sometimes though, it's funny to be lost.
The rest of the times, you're lost because someone else threw you, or because you didn't have noplace to go to.

Who said life is fair? :)

Getting back

I'm back, to my country, my world, my IIT.
Everything is familiar again, yet not so really.
Things have changed, people have changed.
Or maybe, it is just me...
The good old frustrations rained together
To announce my arrival back to their mercy
Till I relearnt handling them once again
Just like the old me.
Did it ever happen, I ask myself?
Surreal is the word my friend
I feel time-warped, thrown around in past and future
Without a beginning or end...
Wishes desires wants and needs
Most stay unfulfilled or denied
Yet my eyes are finally not sore
Content bliss has replaced my plight
Yes I'm back, but is this me
Sort of hard to understand
The new yr has brought newer eqns
Don't know where do I now stand....