Dream diaries-II

Weird dreams are more the rule than the exception with me, but this one was strange.

I'd omit the preceding parts, the ones which I remember, but this is what I said at the end, and woke up saying:

I'm not lost, just waiting to be found.

Psychoanalysis, anyone?

Me-tales etc

Huh

Long time no see.

You know how it's weird that being really wela is almost as paralysing as being really busy, and a lot of things just don't get done at either extremes. Like blogging regularly. But nothing much even happens these days, and my crappy net connection just refuses to go away to be replaced with something saner.

So, I didn't find a useful intern of any sort. Guess nobody finds me of any use, and the company that hired me last December - well, it's still >2.5 months till I start there and I can already bitch about it! Tch tch. However the incredible soaring heat has reassured me that my decision to quit HT was wise. I have been out in the afternoon twice in the last 3 days and it's murderous out there at 46 degrees, doing that everyday for going to an unrewarding work would have truly killed me.
Anyhow, am planning to help out a couple of friends with their startups, 'if' they find me eligible to do something. Wait and watch, some more. If nothing else things can always get plain worse in 20 days with my bro moving out to new college/hostel.

I'm reading weird books these days, like Caster's blog: A geek love story. :P I swear I see so many of my friends come alive in the characters ;)

I've been gymming, hour and a half daily- actually I skip sometimes so lets say 5-6 times a week - but that doesnt seem to do anything to help me lose the extra flab I'd collected over the past year. :( It's so depressing. But keeping on with it.

Tell me someone, what have you people been upto?
I'm bored and lonely.

..but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?
Wouldn't that adulterate the pain?

Nthng

There is very little to say, such is the emptiness.
Not sadness, nor joy, just a void, and darkness.
From life, I take a break, for merely existing
Reality can happen, stepwise, shakily, certainly.
Tomorrow is beyond knowing, yesterday already over
And today, it's not even happening, not in the sun or in the rains
Today is just waiting, for one day it will be, maybe
But at this moment it crumbles, along with something in my veins

In the interim, again

It's been a week now. I'm home, and while it's not entirely an unhappy feeling, it is weird. Still, if you asked me if I miss IIT, I'd probably not say yes immediately, and that's because it still hasn't sunk in that it is actually over. Yeah, I have a delayed response to all major events in my life, particularly the anticipated ones. I still remember that the fact that I was going to Sweden for exchange for a whole semester did not sink in till I woke up there on my second morning. It is a funny thing though, if you consider how I over-react to so many little things in life.

Anyway, yeah, I quit the HT intern despite everyone advising me not to. It really wasn't doing any value-add (it wasn't as if I was getting any of the girls), and going at 3 in the afternoon heat fora month to do grammar-check wasn't worth it, especially since I'd have to find something for July and Aug neverthless. I always wanted an opportuniy where I could write some, so maybe the area local newspaper would have to do, because learning photoshopping (actually, Quarkpressing) wasn't helping. So am looking for another intern, and meanwhile killing my time with little things at home. Have started gymming though, even started enjoying the daily hour of workout now, so hpefully all that extra flab I collected will begin to melt in a few weeks :)

Will go to IIT tomorrow. This feeling needs to hit me now, before I find myself struggling with Mumbai monsoon alone in a place far, far away.

In the business of news

Today is my last night at IIT. Last night of walking into a messy hostel room and crashing, for quite a while definitely. Tomorrow, I'll pack and move out. Still I don't really feel anything, yet.

Today was also my first day at HT, as an intern. The most dominant thought in my mind earlier in the afternoon sitting there waiting for my mentor for almost an hour was that all those girls we see on the streets of Delhi, in malls and multiplexes, but never in colleges and offices we frequent (and by we I mean girls and (especially) guys at IIT and similar places who occupy an artificially skewed nerdy environment most of the time) - all those girls don't disappear, they work here and places like these! There were guys, about 40%, but it was obvious the fairer sex is the smarter, dominant species in here.

Essentially I was excited about a stint like this primarily for meeting diverse, different people, and to do something different and exciting in itself. The first part does hold, but the work is fairly non-challenging and mechanical. I learnt I need to put in 3-4 hours a day late afternoons and evenings on editing and page-making at least for the next two weeks. Checking stories for spelling and grammar is hardly a value-addition, and I'm already bored and in two minds about continuing a work clearly unfruitful (and one that involves travelling in afternoon heat AND evening peak traffic). That said, I do get to read half of tomorrow's newspaper in advance for the next four weeks.
What's your take? Continue or quit?

Next is what?

So, it's another couple of days or so in IIT, for I dont think dilly-dallying the final formalities could take any more than coming monday or tuesday, and hence the end of college life (finally) and a hostelite mode of existence is definitely imminent.
The last few days have been eventful, but not in a nostalgic way. Just using all the time to spend with friends who'd now be much more infrequent in hanging around than desirable. And once I move back home, there are other issues to work with. Like the fact that BCG has decided our joining to be September 14 (!!!!!) which means finding something to do for the next 3.5 months! Or that they decided to send me off to Mumbai base office, which means fretting over living in Mumbai, finding a house/housemates and all that crap (Help!). And basically handling parents psyched out over these things. Finding an intern is another thing, though I have found one at Hindustan Times (thanks to this blog, partially :) ) for June.
Among all this, saying goodbye to IIT is almost irrelevant, but I will sure miss the atmosphere, the independence and the people once I'm out. That said, IIT feels like it has already left this campus the way things are these days. Things have changed in a way much too cold, and the end of nescafe was probably the last straw.

Onto newer things, now.

The 2009 verdict: a hope, a challenge

In adverse circumstances, when you do not have power to misuse, staying holy isn't too difficult. It may not be the only option, but is the most reasonable one. The mark of character, however, is what you choose to do with power when you have it. In a lot of ways, the verdict of Elections 2009 throws up exactly this challenge to Congress and its trio-at-the-top to establish its character. Every newspaper and news channel, indeed every drawing room discussion across the country, has drawn up theories for why India voted the way it did. For once, the Indian voter has thrown up a surprise to be proud of, a definitive result when everybody anticipated uncertainty and gloom worse than 2004. I believe more than anything it was this fear and anticipation of gloom, horse-trading and a rift-ridden myopic government unable to lead the country in the current global environment that drove people to vote for stability, and the most likely candidate to provide that. For that, at least, we need to thank our political pundits and news commentators who have incessantly , even if irritatingly, driven down our throats the last three months or so the likelihood of post-election scenarios ,and the rise of Third , Fourth, Fifth front which made both Mayawati being PM/re-elections in two years seem dangerously real. In the current scenario, Manmohan Singh was the best choice we had, given not just the inability for NDA to raise the numbers without too much importance to pain-in-the-ass outfits that Left and SP proved to be in the last term but also the fact that the country really needs to avoid communal divisive agendas from dominating the mainstream at the moment, but even Manmohan really has work on his hand now to put the country on fast track of reform, growth and social welfare. In a lot of ways, it is the coming five years rather than the last five that would define for history who Manmohan Singh was, and what his legacy would be.

And now that Congress (almost) has the mandate to independently and assertively work for national good, now that Left has happily been decimated and BSP's rise stinted, now that it's obvious to national and regional players alike that good governance and development will get you votes no matter where and social engineering has limited relevance, I, just like the rest of the nation, fervently hope that our politicians collectively rise to the challenge. Clearly the victory of Nitish Kumar and Naveen Patnaik, and the poor showing of Left, Maya and BJP in Rajasthan show the importance of good governance and its translation into electoral gains, and hence it is a historical intertwining of people's (development) and politicians' interest(power) that is finally evident (one that should have been logical and always present, but that's another matter) and I hope the political class of the country regroups and puts that at their top agenda. For once, I hope it's not too much to expect. Imagine if all our politicians spent all their energy competing to provide development and social welfare, where would our country be!

Maybe, it's just wishful thinking on my part. But if nothing else, the 2009 verdict has provided a hope to citizens like me, and a challenge to the politicos. The times they are a changin'...

A cooking experiment

When someone says love is inside them, how do they visualize it? How do you visualize it?

Try.

Do you see one solid whole thing somewhere inside, just like a heart or a kidney or a brain, one essential alive life-sustaining organ, or even the thing that fills up my heart, and will leave a deathly void if lost, one that makes your chest ache with heaviness and chokes every ounce of air from the lungs? Or, alternately, as an atomized/continuum omnipresence, existing in every single molecule all through you, almost like a plasma or a halo that bathes you, which will give the sensation of pricking needles everywhere in the body, every inch revolting in sheer pain?

Make a choice. Feel the pain. Now add the balm of time to the concoction. Let it burn. Add distance, add change, add solace, add fresh joy and fresh pain. The more adventurous should add fresh love too. Saute till fatigued. Sprinkle a mix of maturity, wisdom and pragmatism. Finally, add hope to taste.

Pick the spoon and sample the flavor. Careful, let the taste linger. Now, can you make out the residual void, in the core or in the tiny overused atoms of the little curry in your mouth?

If you can't, congratulations.
If you can, damn you and welcome to the club.

First love.

Waqt saalon ki dhund se nikal jaayega
Tera chehera nazar se pighal jaayega
Aankh band hogi to
neend aa jaayegi
Raat ye bhi guzar jaayegi....

PS Work of fiction. Rather, part of one. The ultimate conversation, but I can't find the words yet for the other part, hence the post. So don't go all awww on me, just help me find those words. :)

Inside

What kind of a place is this? Sweaty, filthy, lecherous creatures everywhere!! Is this the stuff this city is made of? Do they have no shame? Everywhere I go, I get stared. I can feel it, gazes piercing right through me. Do I even belong here, on the outside? Should I stare back? Will that stop them, or make them come after me?

Oh no, him again! This is the sixth consecutive day, and there he is, at the exact same spot at the exact same time, standing aimlessly, just looking at me. Ogling, rather. And I must admit, in clean clothes today. Would have been cute on someone more human...

Oh-my-God is he trying to touch himself staring at me? Goddammit, I need to break this eye contact. Shit! Why is 100 feet such a long distance that it takes forever to walk through? Especially in my 2k heels. Why is this the only possible way to get inside this place that is otherwise heaven for it houses my God every day for a few minutes? Oh my, A, the things I do for you! For you, I am willing to even live through this humiliation everyday. And the constant teasing of B and N. I just hope the money I stole from N for looking exactly like your Park Avenue types girl is not discovered. The bitch has too much of it anyway. Oh God if she got to know...but see A, you're worth much more than a friend like her to me. Just look at me today ok!

Damn I wish I could come through the front door acting like a mademoiselle like her who you run after. Look at me, I look prettier than that bitch. Brown eyes are better than hazel eyes, and I'm even curvier than her. Oh please, look at me. Once! Oh shit my shoes, this whole under-construction backdoor path is so dusty. I wish I had another option to make you see me, to get inside of your sole. The only thing dirtier is those illiterate construction workers, swarming like insects, dreaming of shinier things. Ha! Ewww...I just remembered him and his stares. He disgusts me!

Ok, my shoes are prim now...honey, sweety, look at me. I and not her deserves to walk by your side from the front door, like your princess. And your slave!! What would I not do for my love...you're so perfect, the man of my dreams. Why am I still so invisible to you, I look just the same as your-types! Not as fair, this fairness cream is taking too much time to work, but still beautiful to you, no. Oh please please please say yes. Five days, five fleeting glances, please look at me today. Please make me mine. You're the most amazing, the bestest guy I've ever seen. Please say you like me too. Please say you love me like I love you. Not hearing it from you, not seeing it in your eyes is killing me.

Oh now the thought of you is making me horny. Ten feet, that's all the distance between us. I want the distance to dissolve, this ten feet, your money and my middle-class mediocrity, your glamour and my invisibility. I want us to dissolve within each other. I want you inside me. What a perfect body you have! Shit I'm wet already. Fuck me, oh please. Feel me A, here press my boob just like this.
You saw! Oh A A A A....these eyes of yours I wanna just...
Hey why did you take your gaze away...hey where are you going...I know you saw me, I know you want me just as bad...come back. Please don't leave me so...incomplete, so unsatisfied.

Shit! You're gone for today aren't you...but no problem, I saw that sparkle in your eyes. You saw me, and you know it too. Admit it, we belong together. I'd be back tomorrow.

Someday, I just know this, someday, you'd be at my knees saying every word I wanna hear and loving every bit of me. Someday, honey, you'd be mine. I'd be inside your world and you'd be inside me.
On a side not, amazingly, the path feels much shorter while walking back and I never notice a single of those ubiquitous worker types.