GENDER NO BAR...

GENDER NO BAR

What do you look for in a person who you make a friend? In other words, what all, according to you, are qualities or characteristics that should be present in someone to become a friend of yours? What are the parameters you judge people on, in general? I'm sure all of you have an immediate list of ready, predictable answers to these questions...Most of you would say nature, opinion, likes/dislikes, behaviour, the amount of trust you can place in him, comfort levels, wavelength matching and other different-names-for-the-same-thing. Some would add convenience to the list, but that's just about it. How many people add 'looks' to that list? As in, do appearances matter? Does someone who looks very smart or beautiful stands a better chance with you of becoming your friend, rather than someone who's this ultra-dark/short/fat/ugly/unpresentable in appearance? Does the latter automatically lose out a few points on your marking scale? Of course, I'm not talking of the opposite sex in particular, rather only everyone in the most general terms, for I do not want to adulterate the pure'friendship' issue that I'm keen on examining with other inspired sentiments about the opposite sex, if you know what I mean.

Which brings me to the second, and the more important question, which is something I've always been wondering about, and I guess several people have raised it from time to time in their own ways too- Is gender a consideration when you make a friend? Does one make friends with a girl or a guy, or with a person? Can a person of the opposite sex become as good a friend of yours as someone of the same sex? Yes? No? Even better? Is the answer different for you if you are a boy or a girl? And finally, can a girl and a guy be the best/closest of friends, or does love always have to come in between?

I know I'm not asking anything new, or radical, but these issues are somehow important, at least to me, and of late I've thought a lot about this. The thought process was mainly triggered by this mini-novel kind of a long story that I sat down to write these vacations, called TOGETHER, on precisely this issue. I never got beyond thinking the end, the names of the characters, the beginning and a basic plot(in that order) as far as the story is concerned. (I typed out exactly 2.5 MS Word pages, and that's it!). But while trying to put everything into words, into the form of a story I thought so much that eventually I ran out of words. I never wrote that story, and dont intend to, for I'm sure nobody would understand it, and I don't want to explain it to anyone either. Some things are best left not being too explicitly expressed. I was, at that time, extremely satisfied with the whole mind-exercise, but of late, I've been thinking on similar lines again.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm someone who makes a lot of friends, and whenever I make someone a friend I never ever consider whether it's a girl or a guy in question. To me, the person, his/her thoughts, behaviour, the human being himself, is all that's important. That's also the reason why I talk to a large number of people easily and rather quickly, because I look at them as fellow human beings and do not waste a lot of time in being hesitant. But then it's a fact that sometimes my being so easy-going is misconstrued by a lot of people. I'm advised to use more discretion, and that's perfectly sane advice, and although I've become more discrete lately, I cannot completely understand how judgements can be arrived at without even knowing the person concerned one bit, and dictated either by hearsay or by perception/hesitation-induced prejudices. Anyway, that's something that can be left aside for the moment.

What I really want to know is the whole funda about cross-sex friendships. I know of people who say that the bonding between two people of the same sex is unparalleled in any friendship including opposite sexes. Like two guys can go get drunk together, abuse together, discuss how well does the latest brand of shaving cream they used foam as compared with the earlier one, and stuff like that. Similarly, there are things that only girls can talk within themselves- ranging from their emotional stresses to shopping trivia to stuff that I won't mention here for I don't want to divulge too many of our secrets.[:D] But then again, there are things that are best suited to cross-sex friendships. Very often there are things u cannot tell a friend of the same gender as u, because either they can't understand it well, or there are other issues. I know of several guys who don't share their stresses and insecurities, esp. emotional and personal level issues with their closest male friends, but find it more comfortable to talk them out with a female friend like me. Perhaps they find that girls understand better, and are better listeners, esp for touchy issues. Perhaps the other guys in their hostels take everything too much as a joke. Similarly there are often problems based on ego clashes or similar things between two girl-friends or even two-boyfriends(though must confess, this happens more in females) which one finds it easy to share with someone from the other gender.

I have more male friends than female friends, but that doesn't mean I don't have female friends at all. Quality wise all of them are on a comparable level, and to a large extent the difference in quantity can be attributed to the atmosphere i live in. If there exists a ratio of 10:1 in the number of guys:girls around me, it should not be too much of a surprise that in my frnds list this ratio is 3 or 4:1. I'm very comfortable with both kinds of friendships, though sometimes I find cross-sex friendships to be more 'complete'. Still, that's a personal opinion. I kind-of like the way everyone puts a certain bound on himself/herself in a cross-sexual friendship. I find this limitation not a hindrance, but infact, empowering, though this is certainly open for debate. Having said that, the intimacy of a same-sex friendship is also worth relishing mostly.
What bothers me, is the fear of being misunderstood in a cross-sexual friendship-both by the junta(esp in a place like IIT) and the person in question. I know there are limits to everything, but I ask again..does love, and an angle like that, always HAVE to come in between? I've lost a few close friendships because of things like this, and have hated it. If two people. of the opposite sex, develop very good understanding and compatibility, is it NECESSARY, that they either commit into a relationship, or fall apart?

Is your gender a bar to your eligibility of being a friend?