THE FINAL NAIL...

I've been trying to write this for three days now.

Two huge posts have been typed and discarded, because words somehow don't do justice to what I feel like saying.

For the final time.

So I'll be objective now.

I started this blog at a time when I had my first one up and running full throttle, as a 'diarý', where I could write things other than the poetry n prose crap I wrote there. Then, one day, my blogging identity started fighting with my real identity, and I needed to free myself of ancient baggage and words that were trapping me. It became necessary for my survival, and thus on 15th of June, I shut it down. And this one too

At the beginning of this semester, I felt like giving life another chance, and restarted this one.

It worked well, I wrote fairly regularly, and over the last 75 posts this semester, this page got more readers as well. I'm grateful to all of you.

But once again, my blog is questioning my identity, and I dont want it.

I don't want that people read this blog just because it's a girl's blog, or even because it's mý blog, because a LOT of people know who I am, in person, and this very fact takes away from me my freedom to express what I want to, without value judgements and all other kinds of opinions being formed on me. I do not give anyone the right to decide on me and about me for random reasons. This is(was) my page, I wrote it for myself. But if people in ym college start calling me Phoenix instead of who I am, if random ppl who obviously know me make shocking comments anonymously like Comment #22 here or Comment #16 here, I feel the need of drawing a line, at the end of a very eventful semester.

I refuse to be exploited like this; I refuse to be made an object of observation and comment.

WHY DO YOU, IF YOU DO, EVER READ/VISIT THIS PAGE?

Because you like reading it?

I dont think so.

Most of you dont.

Reasons range from no reason to for fun to for curiosity sake, since this is a GIRL's blog, or because maybe I left a comment on yours someday.

Do you think I left that comment so that you came here, or for some other ''sinister'' reason other than the plain fact that I most probably liked reading what you wrote!

But reverred people now tell me that I comment because I have nothing better to do, and just to attract attention. I'm sorry but I wont take so much insult. Yes, I cant stop anybody from having an opinion. I respect their right to have one.

But I also respect my own self-esteem, my right to exist the way I want to, and my right to express wat I feel like.

Go ahead, call me a new-age insensitive woman if you want to.

As if I care!

I crave for equality(now my previous post makes even more sense to me) which was the reason I first started blogging because I had thought at least here I could be what I am, and I could be judged, if at all, based on what I thought and wrote irrespective of who or what I was born as, irrespective of whether I was Asian or African, rich or poor, boy or a girl.

I see that losing, and the "public" nature of this diary being way more painful than what I ever would have liked.

And that's why, I exercise my right to shut down the diary. I have my reasons, the ones I said here, and others, but I anyway dont see a need to justify myself any further to anybody.

Do me a favour, dont ask em questions.

If I need to express myself, I have other options. But no more posts here, and no more comments from me.

If you feel offended by anything I ever said, I'm sorry.

And thanx to all those who ever supported me.

A special thanx to my most dedicated commenter THE ANONYMOUS too.

I think this completes all the formailities.

Now just don't tell me I'm acting extreme, I know I am. But I dont need your opinion.

Infact dont just tell me ANYTHING at all...it's not gonna make a difference to what I want to do.

I know a "Phoenix" cannot die.

But it can certainly hibernate.

Or confine itself somewhere where it is not seen, or heard.

BYE.

Intezaar

Has saans raah takti hai teri, ki hadd hai bekarari ki
Ye ghadi ki suiyaan bhi har ek kadam bad rahi hain sau- sau saal mein!
Dikh raha hai chehra bas ek hi har jagah, ki hadd hai meri khumari ki
Zindagi bhi ruk ruk ke rahi hai sarak, intezaar khatm hone ke intezaar mein!!

ICE ICE BABY...

One of the reasons I've disliked Delhi for is its absence of two of the most beautiful things of Nature-two things I really love...Sea and Snow.

Mumbai scores a lot of points over Delhi in my eyes because of The Arabian Sea. Infact one thing for which I fell in love with the IITB campus when I went there last year was the lakes (the other being the hilltop). Water is such a beautiful, sublime gift of Nature. (I'm now looking forward to my next week's visit to Mumbai and Goa:D)

The other thing is Snow. It's so pretty, so beautiful, so enchanting, so cool that it's actually hot!

But we in Delhi don't even get that!:(

Winters get sufficiently chilly..but it's always like "almost there, but not quite". A near-zero temperature loses half its worth and becomes double as chilly when it doesnt't fall to sub-zero and allows the snow to fall!!

Having said all this, I'm still a huge fan of Meri Dilli(inspite of ALL else that may be good, bad or ugly) because of the ULTIMATE variety of everything-people, food, cultures and especially, weather.

We get the joys of all kinds of seasons over a year, and be it Rajasthan's heat or Shimla's chill, or cherrapunji's monsoon, we have our own miniature versions of everything!

It gives a feeling of completeness in a way. My wardrobe has clothes of all seasons and reasons. So is the kind of food I get to eat in a year, and the various types of routines my days take.

Ah! I'm definitely not complaining!:D

But there is the other side of it naa, which some people dislike(I don't, not much...I love DRAMA in life, I love things to be 'happening' and 'unpredictable' all the time, atleast a lot of the time. I dislike routines and monotony.)

There's absolutely no reliability about the weather patterns. It'll snow in Shimla and Delhi will become cooler.

Winds blow in Pakistan and monsoon gets delayed here.

Jaipur burns and transfers the heat to Delhi!!

Hadd hai...apna bhi kuch hai ki nahi?

Amongst all seasons, obviously Spring is the best- for the pleasant weather and the plethora of beauty. But winter is a close second. It's sooo beautiful, so comfortable, and one could freely do anything once u've worn lotsa clothes!:P

Infact, there's only one thing that can beat "Icecream on a chilly winter night walking on a dark road"...which is "Icecream in a drizzle walking on a deserted road alone!"

It's one of the most peaceful (and romantic) things on Earth!

Right now, it's the delightful winter dawning on Delhi. And it's unusually cool for this time of the year, so that temperature are already hitting 4.5 degrees at night(subtract atleast 2 for IITD campus, another one for MY ROOM!!!). The breeze that's flowing is oh-sooo-chilly, and nights are soo cold that I have to switch off my computer at night because I can't convince myself to bring out my fingers from my blanket and type!! But stiil, that's THE beauty. Winter legitimises ur indolence!!!D

The only thing that makes it uncomfortable, just a little bit, is these sickening exams, which label two of the most delightful things of winter-sleep and laziness- appear like a sin.

Although inspite of all this, I'm still sleepin 10-12 hours these days(majors hain, I'm amazingly weli!!!!!!) and acting sooo lazy that I dont care to get out of my bed to pick up a book 3 feet away, as a result of which I don't study and leave the curse unfinished and end up losing a grade!!

But frankly, I don't care!

Exams to aate jaate rehte hain...I'm just enjoying the icy weather!!!!

Anyway, there's just one more exam to go.

Then I'll be free to enjoy lotsa sleep, lotsa hot-drinks and hot-conversations for atleast one week(and then I'll be off on a vacation...where hopefully there'll be lotsa hot guys:P:P:P!!!)

Homogenous Inequality!

Ah!this is an unequal world...
Not that I didn't know that, but sometimes, even re-realisations HURT.
I'm not assigning any adjectives to this; it's a fact: The world is so unequal...
...though interestingly, everything is balanced so well, that eventually it all sums to ZERO. everything cancels itself out.
But is this particular knowledge solace enough?

All right I know I'm thinking too much.
Majors ka side-effect hai.

I'll get to what caused the latest re-realisation!:P

Everybody knows and complains that IITs, and engg colleges in general, have horrible sex-ratios.
That much, is a fact.
Then comes everybody's interpretations, and perceptions.
And claims-that girls get ALL their jobs/trainings/internships/grades etc etc BECAUSE they are girls. Perhaps they are right as well, I dont know for sure.
And blames.


So many people complain of gender-based partiality.
A few, including me, just worry about it.

(Infact I'm way too apprehensive to actually voice my own views on this touchy topic. I've neither commented, nor discussed much of this with anyone. Being a girl, and thus a supposed beneficiary, I know my views are not gonna be taken kindly. So before I shut up, lemme just say one thing: there are two faces of the coin; I fervently wish, for a thousand reasons, that there were more girls here.)

Anywa, cutting the crap off(this post wasnt meant to be serious), the idea is: that all is not fair, not right, not balanced in the world. The imbalance is uniformly spread in the entire world.
And we HAVE to live with it, with its pros and cons, like it or not!

People are richer and poorer than they ought to be.
Opinions are more biased than they ought to be.
Chance+perception is way more important than it ought to be.
I'm way more careless than anybody before a difficult exam ought to be.

But the catch is, is "ought" really important? (You might remember, I hate the word "should")
Kaam chal raha hai na, ye theek nahi hai kya?

Isn't mine a luxury problem?

Meanwhile, notice this:





Even the authorities realise not all is right in IITs.:))

P.S. I realise I havent mentioned the incident of today at all. But now I feel I don't need it. I don't want controversies in this space.
P.P.S. In case any one of u is wondering about the follow up to the last post, wait a bit. And keep ur fingers crossed!;) Keep watching this space!