Girls ask too many questions!

Yes, it's official.'It's all in the genes. Women ask just too many questions. And it's universally true. Mums, wives, girlfriends, sisters, daughters, receptionists, school teachers, lawyers, maidservants, EVERYBODY inclusive!!!

Ýes, me too. Infact so many of my blogs start end and punctuate with questions, rhetoric or otherwise, that I wonder if there's anything else? But personal bashing later. On a more holistic perspective, you have to agree with me on this one. Women are naturally way more inquisitive than men. However, this should have meant more women scientists than men, but this hasn't happened for other reasons. One of which could be, that they are askign all the wrong questions. So much of their time is lost in wondering whether you ate or slept of not, asking how you scored, why are you upset or happy, how is who and why etc, that sometimes, the right questions are all just lost. And I'm being fairly objective here, so call me an anti feminist or whatever you feel like, but it's an honest observation.

I'm sure you remember neighbourhood aunties peekign everywhere trying to know what's happening, who;s coming going and dying where and why, asking the origins of the products of every vegetable vendor and soap salesman alike. I'm sure you can easily picture the wife asking a vlley of how what and why from her husband returning from office. And I'm sure you can never forget the typical school teacher and her question bank.

What's even more interesting is that most of the times, these women KNOW the answer to their questions, or atleast the normal expected answer. In some situations, they'd have a prepared expected answer ready and base their judgements on this prepared response in comparison with what they receive. Peculiar ways the female mind does work. No doubt about that.

I don't feel like starting about myself here, but I won't deny I ask a lot of questions too. More often than not, they are my subtle devices, to dig out facts and explanations, or to simply corner some people for fun. And before I divulge any more secrets, let me close with another question: Why are women the way they are? Weird!

Missing You..

I can see the moon hanging in the night

But it seems to have lost its shine forever

It seems to me a mere fake, a reflection

My moonlight's plunged into darkness forever

The winds had stolen my smiles away

Now they've also turned my tears dry

I miss the embrace that protected my soul

I miss the shoulder on which I could cry

I touch my heart and I hear your voice

I close my eyes and I see you near

Yet with senses awoken when I long to reach to you

I don't know where to, or why you disappear

I remember the teasing, those winking chuckles

I remember the walks with your hands in mine

I remember the silence that spoke volumes unheard

I miss the hand squeezing my palm that promised it'll be fine

I crave for the heart that spoke directly to mine

I crave for talking to someone till dawn

I writhe in sweet pain for the love that made me breathe

But no words suffice to measure how much I miss you jaan

Mostly Harmless

For those of you who have been a witness to The Great North-Indian Wedding Drama, this wouldn't have anything really surprising. And like all those who have seen it all and done it all, I've myself seen a lot of such weddings. Been there done everything types, excluding my own wedding :P, but that will never happen.

Anyway, the point is, I've been to two such huge weddings in the last week, after a gap of years, and it was quite an experience, although the second one was almost completely washed out by rain. But seriously, it is something! Loads and loads of overweight aunties all around you in 5 kg multicoloured saris with 25 kgs of gold jewellery and 125 kgs of makeup. All with a huge smile on their face, lots of gossip in their designer bags, and lots of food in their hands. An equal, if not more number of middle-aged uncles willing to hug all of their tribe at first opportunity. To my bad luck, the younger crowd that I saw had barely any watch-able, or gaze-able faces, with hardly any decent guys and only very few smart girls. And a lot of oglers. Kids are the only ones really having fun, not worried about their lipsticks and ties. And in the midst of all these people, lots of ridiculous music, slimy food and lots and lots of money-wastage, as seen by the lights and flowers et al, if you happen to be someone like me who knows almost nobody in the hundreds,a nd yet moves from chair to pillar saying Namaste to every second aunty you spot your mom with, life is not really good!!

To top it all, generally a few snacks and the stomach fills so full with all the oil that u barely eat anything, except the icecream which I never miss, so there go the chances of ENJOYING the party! And then, before I forget, there's the trivial matter of the wedding ceremony itself, which ,most people do not even witness, because it's so fashionable to be late the groom would barely ever arrive bbefore midnight, and so it's left for the really patient ones or close family and friends to actually witness what they are there for, the wedding!

I seriously have begun to have a thing or two against these expensive time and money wasting rituals, where the entire purpose reduces to showing off the clothes, your money, and God knows what else. C'mon if you have to get married, do that properly and quietly(and quickly). And then throw a party for all the obscure relatives if you will, but later and more like a party. I've already been fighting my parents saying all this is sooooooo humbug, but they dont agree. Nevertheless, my point is such nautanki is good for an occassional watch, but any further proximity or frquency is a No-No! :P Otherwise, it's harmless...mostly...

I feel like being drunk..

... I feel like I'm a glass of water being drunk!

A few tears, are good.

Spontaneously some trickle off
My eyes down the cheek
with or without excuse
Emotions manage to leak
Dripping water betrays
Looks that appear to be wood
Cleaning eyes improves the vision
A few tears, are good.

Fuelled by hurt and despair
Saturated with memory and longing
Weakening my spirit and strength
A haze envelops my being
Tears may clear the haze so that
Mind sees clearly again as it should
Floods are mostly restrained but
A few tears, are good.

Most pains are locked away
Far and deep, beyond reach
Sometimes some would escape though
And surface alongwith a shriek
The ensuing struggle clears the soul
Strngthened by all it has withstood
Oh let me cry tonight, afterall
A few tears, are good.

It takes so little to be happy

...and so much to realise what's really little and what's really enough!

Anyway, this is just to put on record that life is good, and if you don't think so, c'mon man go ahead wear some rose/jasmine/sunflower coloured glasses and see it the way you want to see it, because it is highly unlikely that all will actually BE the way you want it to be!
But who cares...my life for one has SLOWED down, for the first time in this year, and so a breather is not all that bad a thing. And till now it's fine too, only slowly it'll now go from slowness to stagnation to rot and decay, but hopefully that's far enough, and till then, I'm not going to stop smiling. Yes, a week back things were pretty bad, but the best news is that I've got some of my self-belief, and the desire to live, BACK, for a number of reasons, and it does feel good, like a new birth! And to the people I owe this new life to, sorry dudes, I'm not gonna say any more thank yous. I think I became a slightrly meaner bitch in version 2.0! :P

Moving on, don't ask me what I've been upto. I know you don't even care. But if you insist, it's been a lot of everything and nothing. Catching up on everything from books to movies to sleep to old friends and even writing. And now, I have another two weeks to idle. My internship begins 1 june!!! Damn the HR manager!

Onto interesting things, thought there aren't many, something stupid happened this afternoon.
I was talking to an old friend( who went on saying OMG You sound so changed. You're even sounding like a normal girl today! Now normal is a word that sounds sooo weird on me I'm still shocked). Anyway I was talking to him, when suddenly the phone got disconnected, and in redialing, I apparently dialled the wrong number. The guy who picked up now had EXACTLY the same voice as my friend and I said sorry and continued blabbering for 2 mins and this person kept on listening without understanding anything. Suddenly my friend actually rang up on my cellphone and I was stunned so I asked him Excuse me this is not 9811****** right? He said, no, but I think you are ! I was so shocked, but he immediately told me he was actually another of my old friends, and since both of them had bought connections together their numbers differed by only one digit, which I had wrongly pressed. Surprisingly, even after three yrs he recognised my voice. Now what do you say to that!!:)

Moral of the story:

• dial carefully.
• i blabber a lot.
• stay in touch with old frnds.
• Smile, life is good;-)

L.I.F.E.

Lowly

Incomplete

Failure

Essentially pointless

...but, it goes on. That, is life.

I'm living through almost easily the worst phases of my life. Bad, going on worse. Things that have happened to me in the last few months, both good and bad, have not happened ever before. The semester that's just over could be the best, or the worst, simultaneously for me. Depends on perspective though. But currently, it's bad. Like life. Like the state of my mind. Like this blog. Like the future. Bleak, dark, confused. With some faint promises and hopes, and lots of definite gloom. And yet, somehow, life goes on. Although not too long ago, it almost did meet its end. Twice in the last ten days, on either side of THE EXAMS, have I come close to The End, but some movies are painfully long. Some people, who really are angels in disguise but too stubborn to be angels, stubbornly fought with me and my desperate desire and somehow held on to me till the sorm abated a bit. I can;t even imagine the horror I brought to their lives. They cant even imagine the horror that has been living in my eyes, and the peace they have someho brought to me. If I say thanks, that would be belittling a huge thing by mere words. So I shall not. But these are painful times. And to all the pain I've brought to you people, I'm sorry. I wish I could pay back to you with my life.

So amidst high melodrama and some reel-life-like sequences incorporated in real life, the last ten days or so have seen too much to even sound non-fiction. A disappearance of this blog was one of those things. Fainting in the middle of the road a few times was another. The worst set of exams of my life, almost, which almost included flunking a couple of courses, was the third. An evaporation of self-confidence and belief was the last straw. And a few buckets of blood and tears, medicines and fears later, somehow I'm alive. Some lives are just too stubborn and undesired. But there are some people still who, I dont know why but they do, love me despite everything, and for their sake, I shall keep the promise I've made them. Vacations have started. I go to Sweden in August. Unless something happens beyond my control, I shall see them in August again, and hopefully after December too. Life, should go on, if only because it is now indebted too much to some people who matter.

Just one advice I feel like giving to everybody: Do love somebody way more than you can ever love or hate yourself. You owe this much to yourself.

The Vanishing Act..

Ah...in case you were one of those who visited this page in the last few days, and could not find anything, because i had indeed removed this blog, under exceptional circumstances that I shall not further divulge into, the vanishing act is kind-of over..though there's a small chance of a recurrence.
Otherwise, i shall be seen here, sometimes, lss frequesntly blgging away more crap as usual.

Thank yu, for your patience!:)

Kasak

Jab se haath chhudaya hai tumne
Jaan halak mein gayi hai attak
Jab se nazrein churayi hain tumne
Bheegi bheegi si hai meri ye palak
Andhere mein humse mooh moda jo tumne
Roshni zindagi ki gayi hai bhatak
Kho gayi hai achanak veeran gulshan mein
Meri saanson mein jo rehti thi mehak
Raahein bhatakne ka gham nahi hai utna
Ab to nazar hi nahi aati aage koi sadak
Magar jaayenge bhi to jaayenge kahan
Manzilein bhi kahin door gayi hain sarak
Dard bhar gaya hai aankhon mein pyar ki jagah
Shayad kuch kuch waisi hi hai magar inki chamak
Jeene ki jagah marne ko tadapne lage hain hum
Shayad kuch kuch waisi hi hai magar ye kasak.

"It is possible to quantify good and bad qualities about people in terms of concrete numbers. A root mean square of all these numbers would then tell you the kind of person they are. Somebody, for examlple, with a high score, would be an extreme person. Either too good, or too bad or both! People with low scores are more like moderate and average. Balanced, and closer to normality."

When I tried the test, I had far more good things to write about myself than bad. And then I got a negative root mean square score, for it turned out that all the good things were imaginary...

Is tarah pehron tujhe sochti rehti hoon main
Meri har saans tere naam likhi ho jaise
Jaagte jaagte ek umra kati ho jaise
Jaan baaki hai magar, saans thami ho jaise.

Zindagi tez, bahut tez chali ho jaise.

Died of Pneumonia...

A wet moonlight bathed my outside. A viscous, toxic, painless fluid bathed me from inside. Drenched I lay, abandoned and forgotten, on an empty vastness that mocked at me in the days, but warmly absorbed me in the night. I tried to feel, but succeeded to fail; death, sleep, numbness prevailed.

I tried to remember, from not so long ago, memories of a warmth that blanketed me when I slept. I tried to see, peeking inside the mind, moments when I had smiled and wept. But it as all a blur, a haze swallowed it all, and there I lay, exhausted and spent, in an endless wait. It was a wait for noone, for they had all left me and gone, but I still believed I had to wait, for someone to hold my arm. The night grew darker; I got wetter and colder. My lips began to shiver, something froze inside. The eyelids had grown so heavy I let them fall, albeit slowly, but just before I resigned to complete annihilation, I saw him, and I felt his touch on my hand, and I knew he had come to take me. I was finally released from the poisoned body.

My soul came alive in the rain of love that day.

Things will be better someday....

Someday, the exams will end.
Someday, there'll be no more assignments to do.
Someday, there'll be no more quizzes to do badly in.
Someday, there'll be no more profs to jhelo for a while.
Someday, there'll be no more 'ugly' scoldings to live with.
Someday, I'd stop being sooo careless with my studies, that makes me repent later.
Someday, I'd score good marks again.
Someday, I'd see my life again, for as long as I wish to.
Someday, cyber despos would stop existing (and bugging people on Orkut!)
Someday, the LAN at IIT would work like it's supposed to.
Someday, the readership at my blog would increase again.
Someday, I'd write sensible posts and better poetry.
Someday, I'd stop making senseless mistakes.
Someday, he will know what I mean with some silences.
Someday, 'they' will understand.

Hope, is a beautiful thing.