Inexplicable

Before I begin, I need to fulfil an obligation so let me give you a link of a nice blog worth following, for those of you who have read English, August(if you havent read it stupid)...this is a real-life Mr. Agastya Sen for you, and one can't help but connect and sympathise, so if you'ré in a mood of blog hopping try this .

However, it's completely inexplicable while I should be talking of this blog at the beginning of this post. But then, everything seems inexplicable to me at the moment, including this post.

Yes, it is completely inexplicable what I feel at the moment. If you want to apply sense and logic, that is. I cannot and will not explain or justify it, but the truth is the truth right, and life has taught me that honesty has a lot of power...

The thing is...I'm feeling so low and forlorn that I can't fathom concrete reasons for it.

College has started, which is to say IITD semester has begun and everyone around me is back to the usual grind of lectures and work, and amidst all this, I feel incomplete and useless. Some of it maybe because, well, I think I am a bit of a workaholic and this sudden uselessness where everybody has something to be occupied with is striking me hard somewhere within me and I can't do anything about it. I mean obviously there is the fun part of hanging out in college at will with no obligations letting others be jealous of your freedom, but then, for someone like me who has barely bunked a class unless for rather important work in the last two years, this feels stupid. So stupid, that the little that I have(things to do before you go is a LONG list), I just don't feel like doing that. I've got to meet officials and profs, can't fathom enthu enough for that. I was initially enthu about the new batch of freshers that enter college today till last night, but suddenly by the morning I've lost that too. I was bugged with the vacations and the loneliness of home and office, and I can't put in words how much I yearned for a good conversation and how much I mised some people here. But..then...now...I met some people yesterday, most of all I was looking forward to seeing desperately, and though I did not spend tooo much of a time with anybody, I already feel heavy. As if it's enough. Worse, I can feel my spell of depression returning. I took so much pains to suppress it to the point of completely ignoring it by refusing to acknowledge its existence. But now...

I am in fact wondering why did I come to college at all yesterday. I think I'd go back home tonight, or at best tomorrow sometime, and though I need to, I don't know when I'd return. It's not as if I love staying at home. To be frank, I've come to HATE it over the last 2.5 months. Home is just not my kind of place, and I know I won't be happy if I go back now. Yet, I must, and I will, because even this place is filling me with a sense of weirdity all of a sudden. I don;t know what's wrong wih me. I don't even know why I'm writing this post here while maybe it should be in my personal diary, or at least on one of the other anonymous blogs. Maybe I'd remove it in some time. But I don't know what's got into me.

Anybody who looks at me says it's a fun phase for me in life, with a 4.5 month visit abroad lined up soon. I should be happy and enthusiastic abou it. I am not. I am in college at the moment, and everybody I know and like is around, yet I am missing college already. It's as if I don't belong here any more. And of course I dont belong to KTH and Sweden, so I'm going to be a total stranger and outsider when I go there. I don't belong to my home either. I just don't belong anywhere. I already miss people I like and love and care for...all my friends and family, but the stupid thing is they are around me at the moment. Still I miss them, and it's really a dreadful feeling. I feel unwanted and unloved, I feel abandoned already.

I don't know if it's just a temporary phase or somethign more. At the moment, I don't know why I am here, or whre whould I be. I don't know wy I'm alive. I can't enjoy a single thing I'm supposed to have fun with. Í feel alone in a crowd. I wish to speak to someone but I dont feel like saying anything to anyone at all and I don;t want to take phone calls either. I don't want to go to Sweden at all and am simply wondering why I filled in the form in the first place ever. Yet, I want to run away from this place, indeed from everywhere, to where nobody know me and nobody cares, to where I get some peace.

Why? Don't ask me. I hate why questions anyway, and as I said it's inexplicable.