It was like waking up from a dream after a really long sleep in a dimly lit room with nobody around except an alien silence. It was that surreal, that numbing.
But of course, she hadn't really slept at all. She had nothing to dream of, either. It was just that the pain that poured out from her eyes had finally drenched everything around her and the thoughts in her head stopped to collide, or exist. It was then that she snapped out of it, suddenly noticing where and why she was, and not seeming to remember anything at all. But it was hard to think; it was impossible to feel anything, and for the first time in her life, she was not trying too hard to do anything. She knew she had to let go, and this was the first step. She had to let go of her instinct to think in any definite direction. Things had changed.
Sometimes, change happens slowly but is recognised and accepted effortlessly. Sometimes, it happens in an instant and takes an eternity to sink in. If Chloie had been able to think, she would perhaps be busying herself with recognition, classification, and stepwise breaking down of her problem, which sooner or later meant working for the solution. But some problems are such that it doesn't make a difference whether or not a solution exists. She knew things had changed already even if she couldn't feel it, and some changes are irreversible.
Things moved outside the window. Maybe people, maybe just the chilly breeze. Things stopped moving inside her. Nothing could reach her anymore. Nobody. No thoughts. No words. Chloie thought of her daughter for the one last time. Her daughter had been to her the meaning of living for nineteen whole years. Nineteen years in which she had lost her youth, her husband, her parents, her social life, her energy, her identity, and today her job and the very goal she had been living for. Maybe from another point of view it would make sense. Maybe her daughter really was right in all her accusations. Maybe she really was a bad mother jealous of her daughter. She had tried to think all of this; she had tried to think why really did she have to object if her daughter wanted to marry her ex-boss's son, also the new boss. She tried to think why her daughter would hate her so much because she opposed that alliance. She tried and tried for hours but reached nowhere. And then she was tired and suddenly she realised that this was not it. She had gone wrong long ago, somewhere else, maybe everywhere else. Relationships don't break visibly for many tiny overlooked moments much before they break visibly in the one moment one could spend a life-time understanding and still reach nowhere.
Chloie knew this. She knew she had lost her daughter and her pain drove her to thinking of suicide. But there was no energy in her body to even move. For hours and hours tears flew, eyes swell and not one thing made perfect sense in the plethora of thoughts that piled in her brain.
Until, numbness took over. And then she snapped out of it.
Things had changed. Her life had changed. She had no meaning, no goals, no identity at the moment. Her life was unidentifiable.
But, it existed.
And if it had managed to persist despite the change, it deserved another attempt. To live.
To try to live.
But of course, she hadn't really slept at all. She had nothing to dream of, either. It was just that the pain that poured out from her eyes had finally drenched everything around her and the thoughts in her head stopped to collide, or exist. It was then that she snapped out of it, suddenly noticing where and why she was, and not seeming to remember anything at all. But it was hard to think; it was impossible to feel anything, and for the first time in her life, she was not trying too hard to do anything. She knew she had to let go, and this was the first step. She had to let go of her instinct to think in any definite direction. Things had changed.
Sometimes, change happens slowly but is recognised and accepted effortlessly. Sometimes, it happens in an instant and takes an eternity to sink in. If Chloie had been able to think, she would perhaps be busying herself with recognition, classification, and stepwise breaking down of her problem, which sooner or later meant working for the solution. But some problems are such that it doesn't make a difference whether or not a solution exists. She knew things had changed already even if she couldn't feel it, and some changes are irreversible.
Things moved outside the window. Maybe people, maybe just the chilly breeze. Things stopped moving inside her. Nothing could reach her anymore. Nobody. No thoughts. No words. Chloie thought of her daughter for the one last time. Her daughter had been to her the meaning of living for nineteen whole years. Nineteen years in which she had lost her youth, her husband, her parents, her social life, her energy, her identity, and today her job and the very goal she had been living for. Maybe from another point of view it would make sense. Maybe her daughter really was right in all her accusations. Maybe she really was a bad mother jealous of her daughter. She had tried to think all of this; she had tried to think why really did she have to object if her daughter wanted to marry her ex-boss's son, also the new boss. She tried to think why her daughter would hate her so much because she opposed that alliance. She tried and tried for hours but reached nowhere. And then she was tired and suddenly she realised that this was not it. She had gone wrong long ago, somewhere else, maybe everywhere else. Relationships don't break visibly for many tiny overlooked moments much before they break visibly in the one moment one could spend a life-time understanding and still reach nowhere.
Chloie knew this. She knew she had lost her daughter and her pain drove her to thinking of suicide. But there was no energy in her body to even move. For hours and hours tears flew, eyes swell and not one thing made perfect sense in the plethora of thoughts that piled in her brain.
Until, numbness took over. And then she snapped out of it.
Things had changed. Her life had changed. She had no meaning, no goals, no identity at the moment. Her life was unidentifiable.
But, it existed.
And if it had managed to persist despite the change, it deserved another attempt. To live.
To try to live.
12 comments:
"But some problems are such that it doesn't make a difference whether or not a solution exists."
Well written! Just the right dose of 'plot' and 'philosophizing'.
Things had changed. Her life had changed. She had no meaning, no goals, no identity at the moment. Her life was unidentifiable.
Sounds like my story :(.
Relationships don't break visibly for many tiny overlooked moments much before they break visibly in the one moment one could spend a life-time understanding and still reach nowhere
So true. Not easy to realize though.
Great piece. This will be one of my favs.
If those 10 things in "spoken they were too.." are all occupied by CHANGE, what would you name that situation??
STAGNATION?
[siyaah]
thank you!
Feels like my old time touch is slowly getting back. where i could employ imagination t build up frameworks in which to pour in thoughts.
[Ritesh]
glad you liked it, though i wouldnt want your life to be listless like that..
life makes us realize so many tough to understand things...
[The introvert]
Well, if that happpened, I'd call it CONFUSION, because too much change too soon leads to only that.
But it wont happen, this is the last piece with that title.At least for the time being.
living life just cause it exists??
but must say brilliant piece....good with words
Why did she oppose the alliance?
[desperado]
If you are alive, if life exists, it deserves an attempt, a genuine one, at living it.
It'd be such a waste otherwise.
[V]
Oh there could be n number of reasons, didnt wanna inundate the flow with too much data. She acted on what she thought was right, a subjective decision, and it backfired rather badly. But the data is not that important. Chloie herself and the rest of the plot isn't either. It's more about the how's why's and the aftermath's of the situation.
Of dealing with these kinda changes.
Hi! Nice...made me curious about you
nice piece..life alwayz exists and v gradually learn 2 move on..
The greeks were wrong when they say that the only thing that is truly with you, even at your worst is hope. I say they are wrong.
I do not think Chloie has hope.
What the greek failed to consider is that it is not so much as hope, as despair, which is the companion of one who has nothing to hope for. For despair are for those who see the end beyond all doubt.
And I must say, that is what Chloie sees, the end beyond all doubt.
brrrr ... scary
[anon]
Well, I'm the one more curious about you, dear anonymous!
[sweet angel]
Thasts a profoud truth isnt it?
[johney]
When you have a really true and firm grip on reality, you don't need the support of hope any more. Chloie doesn't need to hope, not in despair, but in bitter real truth.
[arpz]
err..well
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