And there she goes again...

Once in a while this blog bears the brunt of raw emotion...not the kind camouflaged in nice-sounding words and/or fictionalised...but raw anger, frustration, love, pain...
Come to think of it, I don't even care. Sometimes I snap, and then I don't have the patience to disguise my self and my feelings. I don't know what's wrong with me, but if I stop lying for once, something is. My brain has been corrupted with an UnknownVirus from Swedeland. One thing's for sure...exchange programme is not meant for sensitive girls. I don't know what's become of me. I'm so unrecognisable to myself. I just don't have any spirit left. I'm tired of pushing myself on to do this and that and that and that...I'm tired of forcing myself to smile. There's just no driving force left. Smile for whom? Live for what? Lie more to yourself, but why? I've had enough thank you! Sure this is a wonderful place...it's beautiful, the atmosphere is very relaxed, there's plenty to experience blah blah. But..hello...it's been four months and so enough is enough. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and my eyes are cataracted!

OK OK too much. I'm slightly frustrated hence the exaggerated reaction...It's been good this last four months. I've made sooooo many kinds of people from all over the world; I've learnt how to cook and how to survive independently; I've learnt how to be self-sufficient for everything including love and hate, including crying for and wiping tears; I've had time to slow down in my express-pace over-dramatic life and think, reflect, grow; I've come to know which are the people that really matter to me, who are worth caring for, and who all care for me or come to me just when they need help. It's done so many good things to me by giving me a wonderful perspective on living. But excess of anything is bad. I just think too much. And now I've just lost it. Life is a sine curve I know, and earlier I used to struggle out of the lows because I knew that life must go on and so a high must come after the low, but exceptions exist right...life is never so bad it can't get worse. And somebody shifted the X-axis of my sine curve up ward, so now even the highest highs are only at the "zero" level...I'm extremely alone, so much that days pass without me speaking a word to another human being. And I'm tired of making that super-extra effort I managed initially to reach out to people. Sure I know a lot of souls around, but I don't really 'know' anyone. Can't really talk to anyone. And the guy who came with me from IIT... :D :D :P...the last I saw him was Nov 6, and he stays on the same floor as me! But damn him, he;s too untolerable for me...

So what is it that's left now. Simply this: it's down to the last two weeks now, nearly. So I should be happy about it and quickly wrap up all I wish to do here before bidding adieu. But instead of lightening up, things have become gloomy. I've finally lost patience with myself, so now I feel resigned to depression. This time, I just don't have the enthusiasm the energy to fight out of it. Which is why I'm writing this post too. To get it back somehow. I'm proud of how fighter I can be! But it's just that I can't live without the enthusiasm the energy, and I hate to die in defeat like this too. To make things worse, the semester is over in IIT, which means almost all of my friends who would earlier chat with me once in a while are either home, or resting, or celebrating their jobs, or sulking, or simply forgotten. To make it worse, my best friend who's the only person who's been talking to me all this while come what may, thinks that he's missing me a lot so he shouldn't talk to me till I come so that out of sight is out of mind. It works for him, and I understand perfectly. I'm dying to meet him once I get back, but what till then....

The last post veryone said that the 1% is what is really me...the bad unsensible stupid loathable thing is really me..the 99% is false..and you are right guys...I'm that loathable thing. I got to accept now. Just who am I kidding. The only problem is, now, how do I survive?

If I were you, which means reading this and not writing it, I would say "Don't think so much". and it makes so much sense that DON'T say it. If anything, tell me how?