Silvato.n mein basi mehak ashko.n ke alawa kuch nahi
Raat bhar bheegi aankhon ne akele hi karvatei.n badli hai.n
Raasto.n ki dhool mein mere, yaado.n ke alawa kuch nahi
Manzilo.n ne kshitij pe achanak hi sarhadei.n badli hai.n

Sawaal har koi poochhta hai, ''kyon'' ka jawab kisi ke paas nahi
Jo shabdon mein poora samaa jaye, aisa koi ehsaas nahi...

Er...

I'm the kind of person one should use as a blueprint to make an idiot.
When I decide to shut up, I obviously also needs to stop ranting off-bounds stuff on this blog. Apologies for complicated gloomy posts people. Apologies for existing.
No more questions and consolations puhh-lease.

Conflicts

There are a lot many questions I don't have answers to, and they just keep getting tougher all the time. Life, meanwhile, is keen on continuing to slip out of my hands. A part of me knows it is inevitable; I guess I had grabbed a lot of it in my little hands in my greed and none of it could stay anyway. Another part of me doesn't even want to try to stop it from happening, for it knows what goes was really never mine, so it wants me to wait till I'm left with zilch and then decide where to. The third part, however, wails, not cries. In pain and in hurt. In desire and frustration. In self-contempt. In the heat of questions I can't answer.

But while I leave the tripartite self to fight-all-and-kill-all with remarkable indifference, conflicts ensue at level two, where wishes fight needs, have-to's fight want-to's, and shoulds fight what-if's. Even that is eternal anyway, omnipresent and inevitable, but you know what is the most humbling at the end of the day: I'm only human, an imperfect human being. I'm only so much and no more. Much as long long ago, friends (like him) and not-really-friends used to speculate about there being at least two of me existing, the fact remains I am just one (or even less than one perhaps), I am just me, and both wishes and obligations continuously force me to exist at more than one place at the same time, while practicality reminds me it's all the same space-time frame. In other words, I realise again and this time to much greater agony than ever before, and conufsed, whose reading I trust better than most others agrees, that I try to please too many people at the same time, and end up pleasing no one at all. And thus, against my wishes, I end up being unfair to everyone...my caring friends, a loving family, a supportive patient boyfriend, and above all myself. Not surprisingly, the time had come when I start losing them one by one. Beginning with myself. Everyone has a limit anyway, and they are perfectly reasonable in feeling wronged and unloved. It's only life that is not reasonable. It's only me who is causing all the pain, to everyone. Whims don't come true, and I have earned a strange contempt for the have-to's and practicalities of life. My conscience puts me on trial all the time, for life has become a trade-off of two clashing principles, both that I wanna adopt.

Too many people on one of the inner circles, perhaps. Time to push everyone out? Oh yeah, because it's either this, or the other option of life snatching them away anyway with far more bitterness. Most have a shelf life nearing expiry anyway.

Go away. I don't care for anyone anymore. Or so I wish to say.

I wish I could stay alone and do nothing. But there are exams to give.

And then eternity was over...

Every once in a while, I think of a brilliant line (or at least what I think at that time is brilliant) and a radical fresh perspective that seems to be good for so many things, complexes, people and problems. Even more often, I read or hear more of such brilliant lines and mind-blowing words which I want to remember forever and apply and imbibe in my life. I so wish I had done that all along, and life would have been easier, better and more complete. Sadly enough, I can't, almost as if some lessons are meant to be re-learnt and re-realized several times over. As if, on could never ever grow to completion and contentment, because of an inherent fallacy which makes most crucial lessons and paradigms non-retainable. And so you are forced to stay in the loop, of mistakes, lessons, realization, learning, traps and more mistakes (life itself, perhaps?), amidst hopes of all the hard-earned knowledge staying with you for good, till eternity.
But then, eternity gets over.

PS 1. Yesterday's re-realization + re-revelation as the most powerful lin ever: "Everything is as simple as you please."
2. Ironically, thought for today goes We lie loudest when we lie to ourself.

The Lives and the Voids

There used to be a life. Barely alive, yet existant. Tiny, contained, spiritless, boring, yet closed and content. With a big empty void resounding with silence and with blinding darkness. It used to question. It sought answers. And the rest of the time it amused itself by crazy forms of self-entertainment. It learnt sadism, but ended up practising masochism. And loving it. It learnt self-pity, and fell in love with misery. And that was when the downfall began.

Crazy forms of self-entertainment now produced joy, but only ephemeral joy. Crazy forms of self-punishment, however, had more lasting effects. And thus the life began to absorb pain from all quarters, as much as it could. In-house production of healing joy fell down drastically, both due to excess of wounds as well as scarcity of time devoted to it. Life continue to move on though, and strangely enough managed to grow a bit as well. The void grew along.

Then something happened. Thought penetrated in and brought in loads of energy. Life decided to try the path of hard work and continuous effort. The boundaries defining the life began to get merged...in other lovable lives. Life learnt giving and receiving care. Life learnt giving and receiving love. Life learnt what other lives called 'living'. Life knew it was not its fate to do that. But now life knew what it could not do and get.

Knowledge can be very dangerous at times, even more than ignorance. At the same time, more or less, the energy reserves began to gave away, the hard working path got hazy and tougher and the merged lives began to break away and apart. The rose period was over. Life found it tougher to live again. Darkness returned with deafening silences, both magnified with time. Things broke almost the same time as trust in them did. And life, which now also knew what it shouldn't have known, is finally getting tired. The void has been ignored for a lot of time now, but unfortunately it never ceased to grow. Now life is alone again, with all support, care and love disappearing or disappeared, left with the Void alone. It is alive still, though. Life is struggling, trying, losing, but don't ask me to predict the future.

I only live in the present.

Nobody said it better than...

...thoda hai, thode ki zaroorat hai....................

Kuch to baat hogi nazaron mein unki
jo khamosh rehkar bhi karti hain bayan ki dil ka haal kya hai
Kuch to matlab hoga ishq ka bhi logon
tabhi to ji rahe hain akele,warna zindagi mein bacha kya hai

100 seconds

The 100 seconds game was on.

For a second or two I hesitated, unable to decide whether to peek inside her mind or his, but time was running fast and a mere observer could definitely not come close to understanding the beauty the joy and the passion of the moments to come. I saw something powerful in her eyes, and hence entered her mind.

The game was already on though. He lay still, with eyes shut, body relaxed, enveloped in peace. The alarm had been set to ring after 01:40 minutes, and thus meanwhile, he was all hers. I didn't detect much of a thought inside her, but a forceful passion, something that almost took me by surprise with its power the moment I entered, but it only served to remind me again the power of true love. Her eyes saw him as the most beautiful, most lovable, most desirable thing ever. Dazed in the intensity of love, I just watched on as she moved on him, beginning with sucking his toes and then slosly rising upwards on his legs. His body quivered a little, as she reached his butt, caressing it like a soft bear. She lifted his hands in hers, kissed them and touched them with her cheek, and proceeded to massage her arm.

It was less than 50 seconds left, and all I felt inside her was ecstasy and flooding passion. I decided to shift, and peek inside his mind, to know what he was going through being at the receiving end of such affection, yet laying still reactionless himself bound by the rules of the game. Not surprisingly, the instant I entered his mind feelings of immense bliss, excitation, lust and powerful energy hit me. And alongside there was peace, security, comfort and delight to compliment the aroused anticipation. I felt in heaven there. She moved her hand through his torso, her delicate touch caressing the stomach and the chest, and under the layer of clothing his body felt the scintillating chill. His heart was breathing faster all the time, but when her hand stayed there at his heart for a couple of seconds, he felt like he could have died without regrets. Something inside him was leaping, something else was struggling for the 100 seconds to get over so he could hug her tight and love her back. Ecstasy it was, but there were still 25 seconds or so to go.

He felt her lips on his neck, and shoulders, just brushing past, yet slowly and sensually. That carried on to her face and every inch of him now began to hurt out of a desire for her. Just a few more seconds, the mind told the body. Clearly the game was working. Her soft lips reached her eyes and rested on them, gently kissing as if sucking away all the malice they ever saw. Finally she reached her lips, the drama was climaxing, and fittingly enough ended in a soft sweet loving kiss, and her eys appeared as if she would make him drink all the love she had inside her through her lips. She broke away all of a sudden...must have been only a few seconds left, but it had been a moment of such pure enrapturing love that I stayed peacefully where I was with my eyes shut too, absorbing all the beauty and waiting for the alarm to go off, just like him.

The alarm did ring, and slowly I opened my eyes, followed my him opening his. There was a tear of grateful joy in his eyes, and lots of love. It was going to be his turn for the next 100 seconds as she promised. But she wasn't there. He looked around; I rushed outside of him and looked around. But she was no more there. Confused despair filled his eyes, shock filled mine. Why did she go away? Damn, why wasn't I inside her head....

Why did she go away?

I have a feeling she had to go, but why why why....

Quest

Some things are tough to understand, but some understandings are really tough to live with. But what fun is life without the tough bitter bits? What joy is living without the challenges competing to defeat you? And let me be honest, when life is rather smooth and eventless (which is to say, without overt sweeping worries) I for one am always prone to the demons within, that probe and question and torture, and that is much more excruciatingly painful to me. Why then, run away from sorrows, if sorrows are all there is "permanent"about life and living? Why, then, not concentrate on grabbing as many of the few, tiny, perhaps trivial in the long run, moments of joy and silly bliss as possible? Isn't, at some level or the another, everything trivial in the long run??

What is the long run anyway? Why can't I be crazy, silly, transgressive, ziddi and happy in the moment? What prevents my soul constantly from feeling happy? Why do I feel as if there's nowhere I belong to? Why do I seek salvation in the comforting darkness and numbing tears that flow with the rain? Why do I seek myself in somebody else's joy? What am I searching for all the time, when at the face of it I have everything I want at the moment? Certain memories become a part of us as we grow through them. Moments that aren't just etched into the heart but have actually become a part of your existence. A silent night, bright with the stars, and a melting heart. Another night, much darker, and wetter. A touch of owning and acceptance. A jerk of hurt and denial. The orange light and a few souls that cared. The white light and a pair of eyes that stared. Time that stopped, time that flew, time that brought and took away. But what I ask myself is why am I trying so hard to memorise every moment? Why am I trying so hard to live that I neither know "I"nor "try"nor "live"as to what they really mean? Why am I questioning so much?

And now you know why I haven't been blogging all last month. It just doesn't make any sense. To anyone. Nothing in this world is harmless; there are only harmless dosages and harmless methodologies. Thinking/talking to myself in this dosage certainly isn't. But seriously, I'm tired. What is the point dying before I have to? Or even after I needed to? The question is simply this...should I accept the inevitable and relax (follow the Americans'line that is....When the rape is inevitable just lie down peacefully and enjoy it) or should I go on fighting, and searching, on this quest for I-dont-know-what.

I shouldn't blog. What crap!