Some things are tough to understand, but some understandings are really tough to live with. But what fun is life without the tough bitter bits? What joy is living without the challenges competing to defeat you? And let me be honest, when life is rather smooth and eventless (which is to say, without overt sweeping worries) I for one am always prone to the demons within, that probe and question and torture, and that is much more excruciatingly painful to me. Why then, run away from sorrows, if sorrows are all there is "permanent"about life and living? Why, then, not concentrate on grabbing as many of the few, tiny, perhaps trivial in the long run, moments of joy and silly bliss as possible? Isn't, at some level or the another, everything trivial in the long run??
What is the long run anyway? Why can't I be crazy, silly, transgressive, ziddi and happy in the moment? What prevents my soul constantly from feeling happy? Why do I feel as if there's nowhere I belong to? Why do I seek salvation in the comforting darkness and numbing tears that flow with the rain? Why do I seek myself in somebody else's joy? What am I searching for all the time, when at the face of it I have everything I want at the moment? Certain memories become a part of us as we grow through them. Moments that aren't just etched into the heart but have actually become a part of your existence. A silent night, bright with the stars, and a melting heart. Another night, much darker, and wetter. A touch of owning and acceptance. A jerk of hurt and denial. The orange light and a few souls that cared. The white light and a pair of eyes that stared. Time that stopped, time that flew, time that brought and took away. But what I ask myself is why am I trying so hard to memorise every moment? Why am I trying so hard to live that I neither know "I"nor "try"nor "live"as to what they really mean? Why am I questioning so much?
And now you know why I haven't been blogging all last month. It just doesn't make any sense. To anyone. Nothing in this world is harmless; there are only harmless dosages and harmless methodologies. Thinking/talking to myself in this dosage certainly isn't. But seriously, I'm tired. What is the point dying before I have to? Or even after I needed to? The question is simply this...should I accept the inevitable and relax (follow the Americans'line that is....When the rape is inevitable just lie down peacefully and enjoy it) or should I go on fighting, and searching, on this quest for I-dont-know-what.
I shouldn't blog. What crap!
8 comments:
you. my girl atleast you pen down the torture your innards go through and the torment you are subjected to. Some, are not that lucky. Some try and keep up appearances. Some write in a cryptogram; trying to decieve oneself.
The clearer and clearer it gets for you, the more and more obscure it gets for others. And that's perfect.
The first paragraph was philosophy, the second was literature, the third was you in your typical biweekly moods, and the last line is something I should be the last person to comment on.
hey kiddo,
life is meaningless, but this is a very profound statement, to actually grasp it and live by it is the most difficult thing for any human.
It is ok to be whatever you want to be as long as you don't question it again and again :-)
don't you worry, you will find your feet, and this too shall pass
take care
Sometimes the problem is,that in an effort to understand ourselves and life in general,we start questioning too many things we had earlier taken for granted, pondering over insignificant events,and eventually start to question if anything is significant at all...and we do so impatiently, not realizing that we have loads of time in our hopefully long lives to ponder over these questions.
In a way,it would be better if we never ever thought of those "why" questions in the first place...but few are that fortunate...the key then is to make peace with oneself,taking life as it comes,and to hang in patiently till the questions are slowly resolved, and doubts removed from the mind.
Take care.Hoping you start to feel better soon.
[arpz]
trust me, i am not fee of decepion myself...esp to myself.
[v]
chalo at lst smthng is perfect
[the introvert]
and that comment is perfect critic's verdict that says nthn. Great.
[zyborg]
entually, life too shall pass. hopfully soon
[ab]
Escapism in deferment?
Perhaps...but perhaps not,may be at the point in time that we are trying to address the question,we dont have sufficient knowledge about us or the world around us to actually get an answer to the question...over course of time,that changes rite?
"I shouldn't blog"
....what crap...keep blogging :D
Post a Comment