Me, and them

[[Fiction]] [[Part 3]] [[Part 2 here]] [[Part 1 here]]

Friends are precious. It's as hard to find them as it is easy to lose them. At least that's what I've learnt in my life, and that's why, I'm always conscious about holding on to the few good friends I make. Not that I've been really successful so far. Sooner or later, everyone who I've loved and cared for has left me. Either fate, or distance, or silly misunderstandings/inevitable ego tussles have caused me losses and pains at regular intervals in life. Often, I lost trust in this world and everyone in there. But life still goes on.

Four years back I fell in love. She was a really pretty girl who studied with me. For almost a year, all I did was look at her and dream of her. Then, suddenly, luck shone on me and we became good friends. One day, I told her I loved her. She said yes; I couldn't believe it. But eventually, that didn't work out. A few months later she said she never loved me and thought we weren't working out. She wanted to leave. I let her.

It was with this, and other lesser ghosts in my life that I spent all my time struggling with, when I met her. She was this bubbly energetic girl with a knack of making anybody feel comfortable enough to share unconfided secrets with her within a few meetings only. At least that's what I did, and when I found cheer and hope in her comfort, I also discovered the loneliness in her life and the darkness beneath her cheer. I knew about her boyfriend from day one -- all of her friends do -- and when I met him I quite liked him too.

In fact, I remember that my first thought was they look great together. My second was a pang of jealousy. I subdued it.

I've never quite understood why he was indifferent to her to the extent I saw it happening. But she never complained of him. She always said she must understand his constraints and problems. But too often I saw the light in her eyes fade away after a brief phone conversation with him if I happened to be around them. Initially, I did not think anything of it. It was their life, their way. And she always insisted he loves her even more than she does. She always insisted being with him was her only happiness. .

Other than my friendship, she would add as an afterthought.

That made me happy.And indeed, happier I've been, more than ever, around her. She's too funny, too silly at times and always cheers me up. She doesn't like talking about her too much though, but when I insist she sometimes confesses she feels lost and gloomy, as if she can't understand him anymore. At times, I have this undying urge to comfort her, to take her in my arms, to make her the happiest girl on earth. And, I must confess, become the happiest guy on earth myself by being hers.

By taking his place.But that would be so wrong, wouldn't it?

And so impossible.

In recent times I've found myself thinking a lot about her, her smiles, her presence, her impact on my life....and them. From what I've heard from common friends, they have been the nicest and most perfect couples around. But in the last few months, I haven't seen her smile after a meeting with him. She tells me silly things and is so grateful if I listen, because she feels they are not worth listening any more. I wonder why.

The one thing I don't doubt is that she has loved him a lot. But her warmth and affection towards me is unmistakable too. She says she probably can't live without me. What if...what if...the love for him has faded now?

Can I....No.

That would be an insult to our friendship.

And what would he think...me stealing his girl!

She has given me a fresh perspective to my life, and I can't insult our friendship by hurting her feelings and making her deal with the guilt of hurting me just because she doesn't love me back. I don't wanna lose her, and I won't. My job is to be around her and support her, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Already rumours are afloat there's something on between us. I think I should increase distance between us a bit, so those rumours die down and nobody bugs her...or tells him something untrue. Even if I wish it were true...sheesh..wished it were true.

I wish one could control love.