Me, her and him

[[Fiction]] [[Part 2]] [[Part 1 here]]

Whenever I think back about my life, I can't help feeling I've been largely lucky, esp in the last few years. I was always a serious, shy, responsible guy happy, even if not content, in my little world of family, career, music, books and small dreams. I was never one of those guys who are surrounded by girls most of the time, as friends or otherwise, but I am not sure I really wanted to be. Still, growing up made me more gentle, more open, less content and perhaps less happy too. But all that changed quickly when I met her. She was just like any other girl, yet like no other girl I had seen. She was fun to know, she seemed interested in just the same things I was, and she used to read my face and my mind like nobody in this world could, save Mom I guess. We quickly became friends, but I felt so comfortable with her, so open, so light, so happy that before I knew I was thoroughly addicted to her-her gentle nature, her frank smiles, her opinions, her anger, everything. Smitten I was, and I knew it was love. She suddenly looked the prettiest girl around too; she understood me, I adored her, we felt the connection.

And one day, she told me she loved me. That was the best moment of my life. With her I was happier than I'd ever been. My friends would exclaim they hardly recognised me because I was sure the comfort, the contentment and the pleasure showed on my face. She trusted me so much I felt scared at times, scared of hurting her or unknowingly breaking her trust. She has always been complicated, hard to understand, but I felt sure I knew her, I am sure the love in her heart for me is enormous. The first time I kissed her, I knew she was my strength. And I became hers.

Since then it's been so much time we've just grown used to each other. It's been seven or eight months now since life took us on different paths. We thought we could withstand the distances and still be the same with each other, but today I'm forced to wonder, even though we are still together, are we the same? Something has definitely changed, and she has been saying so for a lot of time, but I never admitted. Perhaps because I was afraid it could be my fault. But now I'm sure it isn't my fault.

I remember the day six months ago when I first saw an unmistakable look of pain on her face over lunch that I didn't understand. Maybe she wanted to tell me something, but I didn't get a chance to ask that day. Later that night I recollected some recent instances when she had felt like she was on the verge of telling me something, moments when I hadn't pushed hard enough and moments when I was so stressed or tired or busy with work I deliberately overlooked it. It was true, there had been a lot of stress in my life lately, and though she sensed it and urged me all the time, I didn't have the heart of telling her for I never wanted to burden her with my problems. And the unwillingness to talk had been my excuse for an unwillingness to listen. Some days later then I asked her, and she literally broke down in my arms. She didn't tell me everything, but she said she was feeling very lonely, very scared, and she asked me why I had changed too. I tried reassuring her, tried making up to her and she felt happy again. After that I didn't ask and she didn't say anything for a lot of time. We would talk daily, then weekly and now on and off, but it's just because I guess we've been too busy in our lives and there's nothing except routine to talk of. I guess all relationships mature. New friends, new work, new problems kept me occupied and I thought less and less about her, simply because I was sure she was happy in her life, with her new friends and new work, including him.
When she first told me about him, with enthusiasm as she told me everything, I quite liked him. We both appreciated each others' friends and he seemed a nice guy and she seemed to like being with him. She'd try to tell me all about him and what they did, but at that point I didn't listen too seriously. Life drifted along. She was still the same for me, the girl I loved.
Or maybe she wasn't. She stopped telling me things, fears, dreams, whims and all those crazy things she always had. She stopped yelling on me when I'd forget calling her for a week. She still asked questions, I always replied I had nothing to say, and now, unlike before, she silenced at that. I thought she had matured and understood and it was all fine.I felt like I should do something, but didn't know what, and hence did nothing.
I am not insecure about her, but I always have wanted to protect her, and thus when I found my strength and solace in other people and sources, I stopped bugging her for those. Now she could live her life.

Except, what if I was wrong? An old friend told me today how she is always seen with him these days, how he seems to be the one she most trusts and most laughs with, how people who knew us both are almost sure we've broken up. My friend thinks heloves her. He also thinks she loves him too.
I told him it wasn't true.

But what if it is? My girlfriend, the girl who (I thought) always loved me so much, is she cheating on me?
All these months when I was protecting her from all problems in the world by struggling myself so that we could be happy later, was he stealing my princess from me by working his charm? He I dont care about. But does she really truly love him the way I believed all along she loved me? Why hasn't she told me then yet? Why is she pretending he is just another friend and I'm still her world? She doesn't care these days if I call or not, she doesn't beg me to meet her anymore, she always says she has nothing to tell me. I noticed the change, but I always thought it was because she was fine and understoond my constraints properly. So what if I'm too lazy or too tired to remember little things she says, she always forgives me. But is all this because she doesn't CARE any more? Because heis better looking than I am? Because maybe he kisses better than I do?
Does she kiss him with the same passion?!!?!?
Then why should she lie to me and pretend everything was normal? That bitch, enjoying two men devoted to her at the same time. And here am I, always thinking of her happiness, never allowing myself to take a crush on another girl seriously for the sake of loyalty to her.
She's cheated me. She's not mine any more.

But what do I do now? Should I ask her? What should I ask?
But she'd feel I don't trust her. What if she gets hurt? But I'm hurt too?

I don't know. Maybe I should wait...maybe I shouldn't have ever fallen for a girl like her at all.

But I think I still love her....or the old her.

Why did you do this to me?