Dear BestFriend,

I know you don't read this anymore.
I know you simply don't care.
I know it doesn't even affect you now.
But everything is certainly not fair.
I don't even remember what the fight was about
I just remember I never fought
I just remember you're still the same for me
How can you not even give me a thought?
I cant stop missing you.
It hurts really bad.
Please forgive me.
Please come back.

Wajah

Yoon khud se nafrat karne mein hi mashroof na raho
Kisi ko tumhare pyar ki zaroorat aaj bhi hai
Yoon na baitho aankhein band kar ke duniya se mooh mode
Is jahaa.n mein kuch na kuch to yakeenan khoobsurat aaj bhi hai...



**************************


Raatein poochhti hain mujhse tere mehfoos ehsaas kahaan hain
Seher mujhse gaayab silwaton ki wajah maangta hai
Khalipan jo bas gaya hai mere kamre mein teri jagah
Dil mera uske hone ki wajah maangta hai

It's a mad world

Beautiful beautiful song. Must listen...
Thanks Zyborg!! :)


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

Growing up pangs

Guess what's really tiring...
to act sane all the time!!!

And yes, sometimes it really is "acting", this listening to mind, applying thought, doing the 'correct' justifiable thing, being sensible process...because the heart wants to be crazy once in a while, act, think, feel, crib, cry without catering to reason. Kids are the best, really, you get to act all foolish and all crazy and still be counted as cute for that. The other day a friend of mine said that if you observe little children, their activities, mood swings, restlessness all resembles a drunkard :)...and maybe it is to recapture that freedom, albeit temporarily, that adults seek refuge in alcohol etc.

Staying a kiddo forever is what I would do if I could, but I can't. :(
I have to use my bloody brain everywhere, make the effort to think, not act up because I simply want to, not expect pampering, not behave whimsically or unreasonably and do those grown up things like thinking realising understanding accepting.

Yuck! Growing up can be such a pain.

Between freedom and independence

Do good fences make good neighbours? If yes, what of the invisible borders that exist within members of the same family? Random question it may seem, but blame it on the book I spent reading most of India's 60th bday and a little after: Husband of a Fanatic by Amitava Kumar. I've been keeping really busy of late, so apologies for absence on blogosphere, but despite the meetings, work, classes, people schedules that I've been juggling I did manage to write a long post on the book and the ensuing thoughts, but only managed to accidentally delete it :(
Anyhow, what's lost is lost, and I should hope to do the catching up soon, but as far as the book, which I haven't yet finished is concerned, it's a non-fiction about India, Hindu-muslim divide, riots, emotions and Gujarat. As long as one sifts out the truth from the slightly biased tone of the narrative, it manages to be fairly disturbing.
India@60.co.in has still got a long way to go. We perhaps, are independent citizens of a not-so-free country.

On to lighter topics, last week in a debate I was conducting, a junior I've probably never seen me before addressed me as Phoenix. Mildly surprised and mildly amused, when I later asked him his name in the course of the event, he simply replied as "Anonymous" :) It's a blur really, this line between reality and virtual existence. If there is a line, that is.

More updates soon, hopefully :)
Good night.

Back, for sure

On days when everything happens at once, when you're so tired that you stop thinking, stop feeling and are purely able to enjoy the grind, the pressure, you can be satisfied life has accepted you to go on with it for at least a little while more.
That's when you know you're back to 'home'.

:)

PS Do I sound like a workaholic? Or a psycho?

300.

"Our arrows will blot out the sun."
"Then we will fight in the shade."

Not bad for inspirational stuff, right. Good movie this was, 300. At least if you could just enjoy the cinematography and gore and think of nothing else. :)
Among other things, triple century for the post-count on the blog. Wow, that IS a lot of crap, right! :P
For the rest, life is doling out a lot of crap interspersed with moments of activity, nothingness, fun and discovery. Pain inside you, pain around you, and a superceding survivor's instinct to fight, to live, till the sun's blotted out.
I guess I'm doing well still, and life will do, for the moment :) There's just one problem, too much faith, trust, hope has been destroyed -deacayed or killed, and it's tough learning to live with voids.
But never mind, there's no fun living without tough things to do. As for now, time to celebrate the 300th issue of crap on a Public diary

The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

"Things that appear to be complicated- and that, in fact, are complicated-are very simple where motives are concerned. It is just a matter of what we are looking for. Motive is the root of desire, so to speak. The important thing is to seek out the root. Dig beneath the complicated surface of reality. And keep on digging. Then dig even more until you come to the very tip of the root. If you will only do that, everything will eventually come clear. That is how the world works."

-The Wind-up bird Chronicle, Haruki Murakami.

Once again, it is indeed simple to be happy. And tough to be simple.
I know one trick to do that though. Works sometimes.
Just look at yourself, observe, think, analyse, understand, as you would do for another person, or for yourself in your memories, only this time do it in the present. Look at yourself right NOW, from a distance.

Back, maybe.

It's an unspeakable relief to be back in college. Howmuchever bad, dreary and alone things may have become, IIT is still the best place, still the real 'home' I got.
Being in the fourth year is a strange tiring feeling in itself, as if the spark within you has passed over to the younger generation, and you're just there to watch things happen. Add to that the elongated existence dual degree students like myself have got engraved in their destinies, and you get a confused, tired, not even final-yearite 'senior' who, really, is only a little girl yet.
Once a kiddo, forever a kiddo.
(hopefully)

But then, it'd be lying to say things haven't changed. They have, quite a lot. Friends and acquaintances are few and far between. People I've spent most of my time in the past are either not there or not interested or are too angry to even look at you like dear old Best Friend. Academics are tiring, pointless. There's little to keep you busy, little to keep you going. Either yawn in the class, stare at the strange crowds at the wind-t, fiddle with memories and might-have-beens, teach yourself more and more numbness to avoid hurt, or else just lie down in the room, reading, staring, sleeping, wondering, etc etc. What a life!

But there are silver linings, and some funny goals to look forward to, e.g., hunting for cute fachas, doing some of the work, chat up strangers, think of the plot of the upcoming story, and yes, eat chocolates.
Thanks catalyst.