There are some things I would probably never understand. Like what is the point of life? The point of my life, especially, provided there exists a thing such as "my life". Sometimes it feels like another of those assumed abstract concepts invented by man to feel better about himself, or to feel as if he's getting somewhere. But say there is not just a life but a "my life" too, what in Merlin's name is that supposed to mean?
All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.
Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.
And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?
How long would you guys stay?
All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.
Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.
And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?
How long would you guys stay?
