There are some things I would probably never understand. Like what is the point of life? The point of my life, especially, provided there exists a thing such as "my life". Sometimes it feels like another of those assumed abstract concepts invented by man to feel better about himself, or to feel as if he's getting somewhere. But say there is not just a life but a "my life" too, what in Merlin's name is that supposed to mean?
All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.
Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.
And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?
How long would you guys stay?
All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.
Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.
And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?
How long would you guys stay?
23 comments:
Nice, introspective post.
All this is the result of your being on the threshold of enetring a phase of major transition in life. These feelings, are normal and common, and they reiterate the fact that we humans dont really want to be too independent. We always want security, and this security should exist in our current environment. It isnt all that diffcult to attain, for wherever life takes you, there will always be a set of people with you who are going through similar experiences. You need to take the best from your past and optimise the present.
We all learn to endure with time, that is what life is about. Flowing into the sea would mean death, not life. And in death lies the concept of permanent settlement.
Pretty introspective..bt u hav dont hav to get into the depression cycle..i think ur blogs abt the us getting into the child mode are pretty gud..and wat i really want and am a little to certain extent..bt then children dont need to think abt it..leave it to others..
ok lets do something very simple and go back to basics...
Like being a child?
I know you do.. its on record...
Well, you know what children worry the most. About the smallest possible thing...
We feel insecure and we just fail to not ask and thats where we manage to make an adult of ourselves...
And the last question can only be answered appropriately if you are as introspective as your posts make you to be - staying happens till you might need it...
and yeah Desiis no more
Enjoy life for life is long,not short. Things will get better and I am 100% confident. You know what, try taking up a new hobby. =)
Seems like a "quarter-life" crisis :P
All good friends remain forever, maybe not close physically, but whenever u need them they'll be thr :)
Yeah I agree with you to a lot extent, well it happened with me too sometime back, I guess this is just a phase. I agree with Bellona's comment "take a hobby". I resorted to running, and sports is the best thing, when you lie down on the bed to sleep in the night, you are so tired that there is no scope for any thought. And now running has become a sort of passion for me.
Jindagi ka safar,
hai yeh kaisa safar,
koi samjha nahi,
koi jaana nahi.
___________________________
Ajeeb daastaan hai yeh,
kahaan shuru kahaan khatam,
yeh manzilein hai kaunsi,
na woh samajh sake na hum.
___________________________
Pyaar karte idhar,
yaar bante idhar,
daastaan-e-sifat, suno yahaan.
Yeh bhi honge khafa,
kya pata kya gila,
har kadam pe mile,
koi nayaa.
_____________________________
:P What can I say? Be kind to share the answers when you find them.
[tapasya]
I wish that was what I wanted. I wish I knew what I really wanted, settlement or turbulence, happiness or life, death or fight.
[shivamgoel]
Dont blame me, it's just one of the other mes that starts thinking nevertheless!
[pricky]
I dont want to ever manage to make an adult out of myself, fully at least. the need concept is out of my range though.
[bellona]
Killing time is no issue, and things almost always get better , or worse, but it doesnt matter.
And I dont know what is it that does truly matter.
Oh that sometimes happens. Like when you are sitting in the OAT for a long time (especially alone, like I did once) and when there's full-fledged applause for something on stage, I sometimes feel lost in the crowd - sort of insignificant. Or when, I see a drama group screaming some slogan behind the curtain before performing (currently that is one of my ultimate desires: to be a part of a tight-knit group like the dram one: nothing like working in a group..and I realised that in srijan :) )
I also completely agree with your thing about 8/10 moments being completely destroyed by a single feeling. And Taru, ANYONE can feel sad! Just because you are 80% better off than most people to aisa thodi bhai ki you have to be necessarily happy most of the time - never let that pressure come on you.
As for the insecurity bit, it aint really that. The problem is you are too mature for your friends - maybe. You can understand/solve all their problems but they probably can't do that to you (and I won't be surprised if that's the case!). Nahi to probably there's something about you which you haven't told all your friends and it is proving a heavy secret to carry.
Or it's simply a hormonal moodiness. Or the fact that you are caring too much about life. See, there is a concept called "my life" but it isn't so gigantic that you worry about every little thing that mayn't be write. I mean look at the microorganisms - eating, respirating, excreting, reproducing - the only creative thing they can do is genetic mutation.
That phase is gone - now you've won srijan, earnt cash and rendezvous has gone well. The only thing that could spoil this happiness would be your returning to reply on this post again and again
[aashwit]
Endoflife crisis bhi ho to bhi kya fark padta hai. It's all an illusion. Sab moh maya hai
[shantanu]
I second the physical exhaustion thing. Thats practially my only resort in recent times. Get so tired and stay so busy that you dont have time to think....but its not fool proof.
[vibhav]
Poetry aur ganon se impress mar rahe ho? :P
Answer mil jayw to chill chilla ke duniya ko bata doongi
"Just another in the crowd"
...and i dont understand why we have to stand out..and indeed I have the same feeling..but what's the point
"I feel jealous over stupid things"
....haha...you know i guess everyone does..everyone
Right now enjoy the time yo have with the people you cherish..the questions can be left to a later stage :)
[akshay]
For once u seem to agree with what i say. Sitting in a full oat makes me feel terribly lonely in a sea of crowd. But yeah the bit about group dynamics is true. I like being part of group with a good chemistry.
Chal chhod, abhi to I'm happy. India won right :D
forget this post :D
[desperado]
whats the point of anything ever!
But maybe u r right...i guess living in the present shd do for now....bad ki bad mein dekhenge
we dont know eachother.But after reading this i didn know the need to know you.
am confused if i should tell u how u wrote here or jus let u be..hehe
i could connect with this most.Jus feels humble.And most of all, this depicts your strength to me.A fight with self is the toughest one we know..n let me tell u,u are doing pretty well..
cheers -Ekta.
What have u done with ur blog..
was busy for sometime .. so here after a long time
--------
And i agree u r doing well and u can do better...
Cheers
//How long would you guys stay?
forever? is that a good answer?
Yes maybe - but its false.
I'll stay as long as you want me to , I'll be there as long as you want me to be there for you - when you are done with your fill, I'll step back and wait for another such turn when you'll need me.
Friends? :)
I think the answer lies in the question...How long would you stay?
Do the people you currently care about feel they could turn to you no matter what without feeling that insecurity? Can they come up to you at midnight without any qualms and talk about anything at all. No don't immediately say yes. Honestly answer that to yourself and you'll know.
Intimacy is not just about how much of them they share its also how much of you that you share. And that alone defines how deep and long the relationship will go and last.
Kudos
Looks like you've worked a little on your template.
u've really turned ur template upside down..but it goes more wid ur tagline..'b'coz words are all i have'..nice introspective piece..i admire ur thought process...so simple nd yet so complicated..it amazes me..
the new layout is good.
stupify ..
(much of a reaction after watching 5 Harry Potter series at one go).
you will just make fine. We all do.
Meet me at the Coffee House in CP at 5pm on Sunday. I'll tell you the meaning of life ;-)
btw, the font size is too small for my old eyes [-(
Aah..sexy layout..cool!
The purpose of life is to be happy. Stick to that and you'll do great.
Just an average being? Think again. You've got friends. You've got random strangers who spend 5 mins of their time to read what you've written. That's got to count for something.
Get tired and quit? Quit where? I'd stay as long as I can. And every single moment I will be fighting for what I believe is right. And when I go, I'll go fighting.
Look around you. It's a beautiful world. Beauty, as they say, lies in the eye of the beholder. Change your perspective and you change your destiny.
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