Mooning on

"There! Look at the moon. Isn't it amazingly pretty? Bright, full, hopeful. Now look again. Do you see the craters, the dents on its face, the pain that even the night can't hide for it? Is the moon smiling? Is it even watching me down here, an insignificant soul walking alone in the darkness of yet another night? Alone? Am I really alone? I have you, don't I? I'm talking to you as I walk. That means I'm not alone. I have you! But who are you? You are also me right. An invisible intangible unassailable version of me. You're everything that's good about me, and also everything that's bad about me. But I still like you. I like talking to you. Others may call me crazy, but...well..if I did not talk to you, wouldn't this walk be a lot lonelier?"

"Tell me, what do you think of the moon? Is it deceptive? Is it an illusion of beauty or a symbol of hope? Why does it conjure romantic images? Tell me, what do you think of romance? Or love for that matter...is it any good? You know for a long time I believed I was in love merely with the idea of love, with the hard-sold concept. But now, I can't see love and hatred as two distinct things any longer. The more I think about it, the more merged and indistinguishable they seem. It's just an intensity, a passion, a rush in the head when everything spins like crazy, a mere emotion. Emotions are silly things. Some people think my biggest problem, or the biggest discomfort I cause is being too emotional. They are discomforted by me, you see. Why do I care about some people? I don't know why, but it seems I do. Emotions again, I guess, but both you and I have both got used to being foolish and hurt over and over. Yeah, being emotional is a problem. But, there's no me separably apart from this problem. There's no me separably apart from you either. You listen and you understand, and at least you never quit on me, even when I do. You're wonderful."

"But if I confess to you, even with you here, I feel incomplete. I know you're listening but I don't know what I'm saying any more. I feel petty and unwanted. As if this long road I'm walking on is going to stay the same forever...long unwinding and alone. As if this night is never going to fade and I'd never hear another voice. And slowly, you'd get tired and fade away too, or you'd simply get bored of my blabber and run away. Heavens, how much do I talk!!(No wonder they hate it) So I was saying, you may run away too, and then my voice would be lost in the emptiness around me and my ears will go deaf by the silence. Would I still continue to walk? Well, what else. As if there was a choice! But look there, I think the moon is smiling."

"Ah no...the moon's hid now. It must have been saying bye to earth. It would have said bye to me too, I'm sure, if it knew I was here. Anyway, it's darker now. But the breeze is great, right. So tell me, what do you think of the breeze..?"

Blah..

Life is amazing. It has more colours, shades and variations that you can possibly imagine, and you keep meeting more and more of these randomly. Perhaps there are more dark, sad ones than not..perhaps...but that's besides the point. I keep saying it's amazing because it just is. Life is both good and bad at the same moment for me. I have reason enough to be depressed, reason enough to be highly grateful to life and reason enough to be pleasantly surprised. (That's why I don't always go by reason; miss reason is herself confused!!)

Pre-final exam time is always awful, though it never has been so bad. There have been just too many term papers presentations quizzes etc in these las 2 weeks, and no it ain't over yet. With placements around and other activities that need effort (add to it the weather, I just can't get out of bed (even when I'm sleeping alone!)) there is always a shortage of time. I so wish for exams to start so I can chillax!

On other fronts, thank you to Catalyst for delicious chocolates. Thank you to Doc for caring, and thank you God for giving me some sort of a reason to stay alive even though I'm very very tired, seriously. And oh yes, for those of you who follow Arpz's blog too, news is that Genius is in love. Check her page for more masala! :P

I was thinking today about the book I intend to write next year when I have more time and I realised spontaneity is absolutely essential for creativity and hence I should NOT think at all. for example, the back of my class notes has some crazy scribbles, some of which read:

~ "If you wait long enough, you don't have to choose anymore...because life doesn't leave you a choice."

~ "I am so hard-working I hardly work."

~ "Wanted: Temporary boyfriend, permanent girlfriend, eternal friend."

~ "All coincidence is an act of fate and a nomenclature of faith."

~ "The point of life is lost on an over-stretched line that we all tend to toe."

If there were no direction arrows, how do you choose?

Axioms of happiness

So, what do you need to be happy? The last post gave me many perspectives, which can be merged to give the following. Although some people wanted me to give me my defnition, I still choose to stay shut. Anyway, you guys have said most of what there is.

To be happy, therefore, you need:

1. To love. Love yourself, and get some love and respect, although the external part may be uncontrollable. I think it's important to be loved because it makes us feel needed, and it's important to love because it comes in buldled with axioms number 3 and 4 below.
2. To not have any desires. Since that's not practical(or else we would be Lord Buddhas all) it comes down largely to not having too many expectations out of others, and very little from your own self too, because Vik pointed out that having too high expectations/standards to meet for yourself will always make you unhappy. Fair enough.
3. To make others happy. This one sounds pleasing at first, for all moral science is based on this paradigm of spreding joy and helping others and the idea of being nice to others for feeling good about yourself seems a reasonable mix of selfishness and selflessness, which Vibhav pointed out, is probably at the core of happiness. This transitiveness (courtesy Shantanu) also, though sadly, translates to a dependence on other people, the ones that matter, for our own happiness which itself is one of the biggest reasons for discontentment in this world. Sigh!
4. A cause/purpose and a hope. Essentially you need to have something to do in life, something to work for/look forward to, and you should be able to enjoy what you're doing, including the process. There lies the need and essence of all the "what's the meaning of my life" solioquys in the world!
5. Lastly and most importantly, freedom. Freedom to do what you want to do and who you want to be. the freedom to choose your own reasons and paths. The freedom to love, and the freedom to fail.

That is essentially how I would sum it up for what you need to be happy. One more thing should be included though, another interesting comment, which I took as this:
In order to be happy, what you need is to really really want to be happy. And then, not to try too hard for it. :)

Tell me your thoughts!

As for mine, thanks people. I got it. Being happy is impossible. :)

What do you need to be happy?

Tricky tricky question.

As many people, as many answers. And not one of them correct, or incorrect.
I'm not even going to attempt an answer, not here at least. But I do want to know yours.
What is it that you really need to be happy?

I was quite in the mood for an intellectually stimulating conversation this evening. Actually, quite starved for it. Life has become too drudge and stressed of late. Too much to do, too little leisure to ponder, and practically nobody to help. Conversationalists like me will die, what less!
So I asked a friend what he really needed to be happy and he never got a step ahead of the good food and lots of sleep step. Sure they're important, but just that much? Is it all? He won't say anymore, primitive aadivasi that he has become, but I want to know what is it that makes different people happy. Maybe the aadivasi is indeed content with that, but happy? Lock him in a room with a comfortable bed and adequate supply of good food forever and he'd be happy? Maybe...people are strange. But I have my doubts.

So you answer me, please. Honestly.

Then I'd fire the other questions I'm playing in my mind with. :P

Strangely enough

People need to be.....



- drunk to talk;
- forgetful to forgive;
- psychotic to be passionate;
- hurt to be honest;
- confused to think;
- crazy to love.

Strange indeed.

Dreams don't come true

Everyone has fantasies, desires, wants. They're pretty and they're important because they make us go on living. We all have them, and so did she. Loads of them. And one of them was a deep hidden desire to live a day in her life on which she was made to feel really really special. A day when someone took the pains of showering love and joy, pampering and caring over her. When her whims were legal, when all of her demands were at least strived to be met. A day when she was made to feel like the Queen of the world, or at least, the princess of someone's world. That's all she wanted, a day of freedom and happiness, with no constraints, where she was free to be selfish, free to be mean, and free to be herself. One day when people she loved wanted to be around her all the time. One day when she could feel the luckiest thing alive.
That someone never really come to her. He did come, promising to her she was special to him, and that he would make her life special every moment, but then, words are mere words.
Dreams are pretty and important, but they're also ugly and hurtful at times, because most of the times, they dont come true.

That's A's story. I don't know what to say to her any more. Can I ask her to believe in her dreams? Can I? But how...for afterall, words are mere words, and those are all I have.

Antaragni 2007

Last weekend was all for Antaragni 2007, IIT Kanpur's cultural festival. Hadn't been there before, so was very enthu to go this time round. The trip was jinxed right from the beginning, as friends of mine equally willing to come along swung from 10 to none on a daily basis, what with the woes-of-fourth-year (CAT, job, resume, BTP etc) making life tough for everyone. So there was a time when my trip was nearly called off because all my friends were busy, and when that was sorted out, everyone's trip was nearly called off because IITD RCA folks didn't book train tickets in time and there were no confirmed reservations!!!

So on thursday, a few hours before we were supposed to leave, the bomb is dropped that IIT wants us to go in two buses, travelling 12 hours overnight, and that too UP Roadways buses (which weren;t even funded by IIT). The eternal question: to go or not to go, surfaced again, with the six of us clear on only one thing : either everyone goes or no one. And then, practical inconveniences were defeated by a hope of fun and relaxed company, the adventure that the trip promised to be, and there we were, on the bus, on way to Kanpur! Personally, it was the first trip I was going on after coming back from Sweden which was really really long ago, and the break was much needed.

The bus trip was a story in itself. I can almost never sleep while travelling, including flights. So I was up all night, and at least another three of us. All sorts of bakaiti, jokes and stories resulted, and by morning I was so high on insomnia and masti that all I could do was laugh like drugged. :P In between came Gaurav's special A1 thalis that he plans to open as a business venture (nutritious isn't it, Gaurav?), Udit's dedications to the 'dictionary', Rohan's antics and Doc's misplaced silences. By the team we reached IITK, the village, we were geared up for an adventure, albeit mundane things like getting registered and finding an acco ate up some time. High on attitude hospitality volunteers proved to be as entertaining as some of the low on IQ organisers. The concept of most of the events was good but the organisation, handling and in some cases the quality left a lot to be desired. Basically it can all be put down to a lack of experience, and the innovation and fun factor was highly laudable. Here in delhi, it's almost exactly the reverse. The competitive spirit is so highly ingrained that tried and tested wins over experimentation too often, and while efficiency and meticulour organisation are our traits, somewhere down the line we are missing out on the fun portion by not introducing much innovation. The bloody gory fight for the trophies has bred a generation of point savvy cultural secretaries and practice-crazy reps. Someone needs to start breaking the circle.

So over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we basically did loads of crazy things in between rushing from one event to another and pulling each others' legs. IITK had Poets of the Fall and Atif Aslam for the two big nights, none of which I really saw, but some of the other events such as dances, disc, informals etc were entertaining. One of the first things that struck me on seeing their campus was its empty vastness and relatively dead atmosphere as compared to the craziness IITD is during Rendezvous. The place is too huge, and everything is far from everything else. One can't help but feel that on normal days, and with such little distractions (relative to us, of course) what would people do there but study? :P On another note, the campus is so beautiful and romantic, and there are such few girls there!!! What a waste :P

The second thing was how most of the people we saw there, the guests, basically, were so over-dressed. I mean not just the girls but even a lot of guys. People wore funny hats, too much makeup,red and orange pants, short skirts with kurtis, random colour combinations, all kinds of jewellery and accesories, night gaudy dresses in the day and waht not. It got so obnoxious at times I wondered if we had come to Lakme Fashion week or something. :P We even designed a new gesture to indicate the over dressed thing, and that ended up being another private joke.

We ended up winning plenty of things, despite a lot of alleged biases and fraud by the IITK people in several instances. Group dance got second, Choreography got first, Fine arts won a position in nearly everything there was, while almost the same was true for English Literary, debating and quiz events too. Hindi people did well as well, so overall IITD had a good show. I won a debate and a couple of other events. Met old friends as well and enjoyed myself a lot. The crazy things included lots of funny nothings, esp when Moti "touched" a girl. :P

In the finale, however, Kanpur stole the show by declaring no prize money at all and giving us Classmate registers and notepad...yes a couple of small thin notebooks for winning those events!!! That was like the ultimate studapa I've ever seen.

IITK, come back to Rendezvous next year. We're not forgetting anything. ;)