Don't ask me why.

A silent moment
A soundless cry
An empty smile
A tear dry
A life unlived
passes by
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A numbing pain
A silence pregnant
A dying desire
A hope remnant
And a smile
that refuses to die
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A calm breeze
A shining sun
A storm invisible
Secrets a ton
To live, to fight
they struggle and try.
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A complex balance
a 'me' and a 'you'
An 'I' and a 'my'
and a 'them' too
Shattered hearts
and a 'truth' and a 'lie'
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

Aj mera budday hai

Aj main bada bacha ho gaya hoon.
Chalo chalo, jo jo mera budday bhool gaye hain, sare wish karo.
Aur jis jis ko yaad hai, usko thank you hai.
Meri mummy kehti hai thank you bolna chahiye.
Main apni mummy ka chhota bacha hoon
Aur main sabka kiddo hoon.
Doc ko big Thanks. Poora DORK hai but kinna cute hai.
Moti ko bada sa hug. thank you.
Catalyst, njo aur Ted ko bhi thanks.
Mere sare friends ko bhi de hi deti hoon.
Aur aapko bahut bahut pyar.

Phew. Bada hona kitna mehnat ka kaam hai.
Shit! So so old.

PS Dear God, ab tak ye din achha hai. Kuch bhi bura kiya na, to kabhi baat nahi karoongi [:(

The old me

Something has happened. Something important that I don't yet fully understand but I do feel it for sure. I just hope it doesn't prove to be an illusion (which is unlikely) and that it doesn't disappear when it's tested (as it will be, inevitably). I feel after all the changing, growing, sinusoids etc, I've come to a point in life, at least mentally and at least partially, when I'm once again pretty much the same me that I was 2 to 3 years ago. Only older. Physically, emotionally and mentally (a lot older in the latter two senses perhaps). Life, they say, comes a full circle. It just might be true, although I hope these are several circles, unless this is the end.

I'm not so sure as of now, neither can I point to one point in space-time when this dawned on me. But somewhere in the last couple of weeks, drowned in a lot of work-related and personal stress and then relaxing at home in solitude, something finally snapped that didn't give any more pain...only liberation. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of handling placements phase 1 at ground zero as a coordinator, or maybe it was the pressure of controlling emotions for what what needed to be done, maybe it was the confidence that cracking 9.2 in a fighter semester full of extra-curricular work where acads had nearly zero enthu gave, or maybe it was the moment when I wanted to quit it all without any strings attached at all. Or maybe, it's simply the fact that I've quit on my experiments with 'living' as people taught and defined for me 3 years back. I've had enough.
And finally, I feel free. I feel very happy.

I know at least one thing that has gone wrong for me. I quit writing. My blogging became irregular and more a venting of emotions when I felt very low or very happy than anything else. My personal blog bore the brunt of even more extreme vents, and my personal diary hasn't seen a word in months. Sweden was when it started...anyway, I realise I am a person who needs to express and share to live. And the day I decided to 'live', to be a part of this world, to break the shackles I tied myself in, to trust others more than myself, to relax the rules, to be happy the way others were, to see if I could have real friends too...that day, I started looking outside of me for that need, for happiness. Today, I realise it was all futile, hopeful and too optimistic. Today I'm back where I was, equally lonely, lots of wasted trust, lots of pain received and more given, lots and lots of happiness received and still struggling as much to 'live' as I was on day one. Far far more vulnerable and emotional I had become, but now I know my sensitivity, my hyper-emotional freakishness and my illogical passions are better concealed from public view, better inside than outside, better restrained than abounding...for my own comfort.

Today I suddenly talk to myself again in the same tone I used to, today I'm back to my diary, today I'm back to my dreams and my boundaries, today I'm extremely comfortable walking alone, today I don't want and expect anything from anyone, today I want to write again and I'm sure I'd return to this blog in a larger frequency and different flavour now on.

Don't mistake me, I don't regret one bit of what I did. It was a beautiful life, and if I had to, I'd do it all over again the same way. I've got lots of beautiful things with me today because of my courage to experiment with living. I've never seen so much happiness before. I've learned a lot, I've grown tremendously. I'm just finally at the other side of a transition that began in April this year, a transition in which I was so caught in I had lost solid ground, and myself.
I'm finally free. I'm finally happy. I'm finally Envisager, Phoenix, me. I hope this stays.
Thank you. Love you.

Aabhas-shoonya

Aaj andherein kyon shaant hain

Sehmi si kyon raat hai

Naa neend na koi khyal hai

Is raat kii kuch to baat hai


Sparsh nirmam sa lagta hai

Sunn sa har vishwas hai

Bhatak gaye hain raah se itna

Ki bas kho jane ka ehsaas hai

Dard nahi ichha nahi

Na disha na manzil na khwab

Na darr hai na hi khushi

Na bhoot na bhavishya na aaj


Na azaad hoon na bandhan mein kisi

Na zinda hoon na maut ke paas

Kuchh hai to bas ek shoonya

Bas ye pal, aur iske beetne ka aabhas...

Reality

"A reality is defined by the limitations of the consciousness that perceives it."

Luck

"I'm mighty lucky. People understand me so well, whenever I get stressed at all of them and feel like yelling to them to leave me alone, I turn back to find that they already have."
~Anonymous

Change-VII

I've changed quite a bit with time, like everyone does. I just don't yet know exactly how, or how much.
However, I just noticed how my favourite key on the keyboard has changed with time, and that does give some insight.

It used to be Enter, changed to Ctrl, then to Space, and now it's Esc.