The old me

Something has happened. Something important that I don't yet fully understand but I do feel it for sure. I just hope it doesn't prove to be an illusion (which is unlikely) and that it doesn't disappear when it's tested (as it will be, inevitably). I feel after all the changing, growing, sinusoids etc, I've come to a point in life, at least mentally and at least partially, when I'm once again pretty much the same me that I was 2 to 3 years ago. Only older. Physically, emotionally and mentally (a lot older in the latter two senses perhaps). Life, they say, comes a full circle. It just might be true, although I hope these are several circles, unless this is the end.

I'm not so sure as of now, neither can I point to one point in space-time when this dawned on me. But somewhere in the last couple of weeks, drowned in a lot of work-related and personal stress and then relaxing at home in solitude, something finally snapped that didn't give any more pain...only liberation. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of handling placements phase 1 at ground zero as a coordinator, or maybe it was the pressure of controlling emotions for what what needed to be done, maybe it was the confidence that cracking 9.2 in a fighter semester full of extra-curricular work where acads had nearly zero enthu gave, or maybe it was the moment when I wanted to quit it all without any strings attached at all. Or maybe, it's simply the fact that I've quit on my experiments with 'living' as people taught and defined for me 3 years back. I've had enough.
And finally, I feel free. I feel very happy.

I know at least one thing that has gone wrong for me. I quit writing. My blogging became irregular and more a venting of emotions when I felt very low or very happy than anything else. My personal blog bore the brunt of even more extreme vents, and my personal diary hasn't seen a word in months. Sweden was when it started...anyway, I realise I am a person who needs to express and share to live. And the day I decided to 'live', to be a part of this world, to break the shackles I tied myself in, to trust others more than myself, to relax the rules, to be happy the way others were, to see if I could have real friends too...that day, I started looking outside of me for that need, for happiness. Today, I realise it was all futile, hopeful and too optimistic. Today I'm back where I was, equally lonely, lots of wasted trust, lots of pain received and more given, lots and lots of happiness received and still struggling as much to 'live' as I was on day one. Far far more vulnerable and emotional I had become, but now I know my sensitivity, my hyper-emotional freakishness and my illogical passions are better concealed from public view, better inside than outside, better restrained than abounding...for my own comfort.

Today I suddenly talk to myself again in the same tone I used to, today I'm back to my diary, today I'm back to my dreams and my boundaries, today I'm extremely comfortable walking alone, today I don't want and expect anything from anyone, today I want to write again and I'm sure I'd return to this blog in a larger frequency and different flavour now on.

Don't mistake me, I don't regret one bit of what I did. It was a beautiful life, and if I had to, I'd do it all over again the same way. I've got lots of beautiful things with me today because of my courage to experiment with living. I've never seen so much happiness before. I've learned a lot, I've grown tremendously. I'm just finally at the other side of a transition that began in April this year, a transition in which I was so caught in I had lost solid ground, and myself.
I'm finally free. I'm finally happy. I'm finally Envisager, Phoenix, me. I hope this stays.
Thank you. Love you.