For some time now, I've been afraid to look into his eyes, to have a free conversation, to be able to confess what I love and hate about him, about myself, about this world. Really, afraid is the word, for I'm trying to hide somewhere from the questioning eyes of a friend so close, who wonders what went wrong. Or perhaps not. Perhaps he's guessed too. But it's such a stalemate this situation. And so I find myself making non-committal plans for meeting up sometime, and grudgingly indulging in short lame conversations. And making the run, of course!
This ain't typically me, but it's the witless me. He's puzzled me so much by wide variations in his behavior I can't fathom what he really thinks anymore, and despite my curiosity to know, I'm scared, so scared, that if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can never exactly pin-point what's going on in her twisted mind, but these days she's absolutely out of my radar. Or maybe, out of my life too, considering the way she acts most of the times as if she hates me, or is extremely bored/irritated of me. I should know better, for not long ago I thought I understood her well, and we were so close, so close that all I wanted was to somehow keep her mine forever...yes, I guess, that was it...that mad intensity with which I wanted to be with her, around her all the time. I don't know what it was, but it was both obsessive and addictive, and I really had to fight to gain some self-control and to not fall in love with her.
Love...was it that? Is it that? I doubt it...what is love anyway? I've always hated the notion of love but this time I don't know...but it seems quite the opposite with her behavior of late. She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me? And yet, I want her back just as her. Pure, bright her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her. You know, I think it was love after all, and all that while I didn't understand it. I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have. To think of it, she never was mine anyway. It'd be best to forget her, but this love makes it impossible to do even that, just that it makes it awfully tough and painful to continue talking to her. Especially when she clearly does not care, or understand me any more. Why do people fall in love?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I so can't live without him. Or with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love. He is an intense person, so much that if I showed him any tenderness his anger would completely annihilate me, as also his peace for a lot of time. And then, love's never done me any good. He is a great friend, why ruin it? Or at least, why ruin it this way?! It's wise to run, I think. Logical. Damn, why do people fall in love?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're weird sometimes."
"As if you aren't. But you act as per your convenience and nothing else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
"Aren't you?"
"...."
"Well, all you care about is your needs, and everything else is incidental."
"So are you my need that I care for you?"
"Do you, really?"
"No"
"See. That's just what you are, whimsical."
"You're weird, and self-obsessed."
"There could be other things I'm obsessed about...but anyway you wouldn't understand."
"Of course, I never understand anything do I?"
"Almost."
"Thanks"
"Thank you missy! For everything..."
"Whatever. Bye"
"Goodbye"
Dramatic effects often have distant, even subtle causes.
This ain't typically me, but it's the witless me. He's puzzled me so much by wide variations in his behavior I can't fathom what he really thinks anymore, and despite my curiosity to know, I'm scared, so scared, that if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can never exactly pin-point what's going on in her twisted mind, but these days she's absolutely out of my radar. Or maybe, out of my life too, considering the way she acts most of the times as if she hates me, or is extremely bored/irritated of me. I should know better, for not long ago I thought I understood her well, and we were so close, so close that all I wanted was to somehow keep her mine forever...yes, I guess, that was it...that mad intensity with which I wanted to be with her, around her all the time. I don't know what it was, but it was both obsessive and addictive, and I really had to fight to gain some self-control and to not fall in love with her.
Love...was it that? Is it that? I doubt it...what is love anyway? I've always hated the notion of love but this time I don't know...but it seems quite the opposite with her behavior of late. She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me? And yet, I want her back just as her. Pure, bright her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her. You know, I think it was love after all, and all that while I didn't understand it. I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have. To think of it, she never was mine anyway. It'd be best to forget her, but this love makes it impossible to do even that, just that it makes it awfully tough and painful to continue talking to her. Especially when she clearly does not care, or understand me any more. Why do people fall in love?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I so can't live without him. Or with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love. He is an intense person, so much that if I showed him any tenderness his anger would completely annihilate me, as also his peace for a lot of time. And then, love's never done me any good. He is a great friend, why ruin it? Or at least, why ruin it this way?! It's wise to run, I think. Logical. Damn, why do people fall in love?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're weird sometimes."
"As if you aren't. But you act as per your convenience and nothing else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
"Aren't you?"
"...."
"Well, all you care about is your needs, and everything else is incidental."
"So are you my need that I care for you?"
"Do you, really?"
"No"
"See. That's just what you are, whimsical."
"You're weird, and self-obsessed."
"There could be other things I'm obsessed about...but anyway you wouldn't understand."
"Of course, I never understand anything do I?"
"Almost."
"Thanks"
"Thank you missy! For everything..."
"Whatever. Bye"
"Goodbye"
Dramatic effects often have distant, even subtle causes.
21 comments:
very cleverly written. I guess ur a very observant person? Good on ya.
**It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.
Love that! Its so true.
Keshi.
Why do people feel scared of love?Why not let life just take its course and enjoy whatever love and care you get and can give?
is that the end ?
or there is a possibility, later, of reconciliation .... ;)
It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.
It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her.
So, true! That's the thing inspite of all we care and we love that's why probably in real life it's not that easy to say goodbye.
[keshi]
well thanks..
Observant..to a certain degree..
:)
[aditi]
That's the crux of the post, the question raised..whhy do we fear so much..esp fear love...
[catalyst]
As the author of the fiction, yes. But in terms of the narrative itself...maybe, maybe not. Who knows!
Possibility depends ont oo many factors and too many uncertainties..
[geetika]
Yep..it's so much harder to really "forget". So far in life I dont think it is ever possible that we could forget or hate anyone who we loved or cared for at sm point of time.
The simplicity of love makes it all more complex to understand it.
Also, its not easy to fathom the feeling of ourselves.
OMG!!!
i cant tell u how much i can relate to this...!!
esp the guys part...!
*shocked*
Guess you wrote that with which many of us can relate to :)
-------------------------------
feel like falling in love....
Infact I have been falling since long but I am searching for someone to fall with me :)
Love..oh love...it's that ethereal emotion that's everything yet nothing.
Love's the emotion that's everything around love - the waiting, the pain, the anticipation, the vacillation - everything around the emotion but the emotion itself.
It's that pristine something that resides in the gap between desire and fulfillment, yet never bothers to permeate on either side.
Oh love..that love which believes in no logic, no reason.
In each of these pieces in the chain of thoughts in this post, probably there's too much logic....far too much logic...lots n lots of those threads of logic scaterred everywhere which makes it look less like love and more like teenage infatuated attraction.
Naah! It's not love.Pakka! Too metropolitan!! Too Too Tooooo much of those malls, those pizzas, those multiplexes!!! TOOOO MUCH CRAPPY LOGIC!!!! FAAAAR TOO MUCH OF IT!!!!
nah I can see ur quite observant...and u write pretty good too.
Keshi.
good one :D
mind is the thing which complicates all the matters
a good one...
a realist approach.
interesting read.
[anand]
Understanding ourselves is a hard task, and harder it is to understand love. That is why it is best just felt, not understood. Simple, isn't it?
[prasad]
I'm not happy, you know.
[passionate]
A fiction which nobody can relate to is futile, or a fairy tale.
[:)]
Thanks for the essay on love (I'd save it and gift these words written nicely to your wife on ur wedding :P)
And also thanks for summing up the point of the post. There never is, or could be, logic in love. Logic doesnt not cannot and should not exist with true love.
[keshi]
well, thanks!
[desperado]
:D
the problem, n smtimes the solution...
[oceanic mirages]
Ever wondered why realism is so 'sad', so 'empty;?
U just a Storyteller??
Or is this real? hmmm
A good read.!
lovely read !
Logic doesnt not cannot and should not exist with true love.
Haan toh...vahi toh
...if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me?
...with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love.
I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have.
Yeh LOGIC nahi toh aur kya??
[mnowluck]
Just a story dear...
Waise why does someone always ask me this question every time I write a fiction...Itni bhi badi drama queen thodi hoon main!!
:P
[pooja, inhas]
Thanks!
[anonymous]
Haan baba, agreed, sometimes you can make a point by proving how stupid and painful the opposite is, right?
I just wanted to portray What not-to-do types, by this chain of events.
Bechare dono! Pata nahi kyun log sochte bohot hai...
Loved the "twisted mind" phrase...also the "out of my radar"! So, the guy's an engineer! No wonder...
Engineers! Uff!
[vibhav]
Look who's talking...about thinking overmuch!
:P :D
The guy...haan cd be an engineer..definitely extra logical..to technicalities to honi hi thi
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