Not too little, not too much, not just right either

It is relatively easy to ward off extremes when you need to. In any case it is relatively simpler to decidedly label them dangerous and unbalanced, to choose with certainty whether to adapt to the extreme style, or the stay-away-from-extreme style. 0's and 1's are fun too, sometimes. Somethings in life can work in that binary mode, sometimes for the good too, but all other times, when you've decided to stray away from the end-points or are forced in the grey anyway by an induced sense of judgment, an apparent need for balance or by the simple unacceptability of one and unattainability of the other. Whatever be the reason, more often than not, the rule is to avoid the extremes. But that is the simple part, or implicit then is the need to find the balance, the optimum on the infinite points between 0 and 1. As one can put it, the need to find the right shade of grey.

This threatens to develop into a familiar philosophical question of right and wrong, morality and subjectivity, so let me steer the conversation to this one bottom-line: That if it's not too much, and not too little, it doesn't yet mean it's enough. Obvious, you'd say. False bottom too, that one, for it drills down that long deep hole, where you do not know which way to steer to get to the "right" place. Where do you go?

Khair, I know there are no easy answers, and I'm not looking for any either. I just know I'm in that place in the middle where balance is elusive and extremes remain frightening. I like the idea of not doing anything at all a bit too much these days, and holidays have firmly established the "inertia of rest", which I'm hoping to finally snap out of tomorrow. But not today.
This despite the fact that plenty interesting has happened of late. Lots of nice people have just turned up from somewhere or the other. Doc has returned from US. I met sweetheart Arpz (love you!) and also Ted (after long) not too long ago. Yashshri is in Delhi. Shantanu is getting married in three weeks and he even invited me, though I can't go because my cousin is getting married the same weekend. Other than all this, the placement madness, albeit at top gear, is not as maddening as I'd feared it would be. I even have shortlists in the two companies top of my list. And studies are okay too, despite my missing almost all classes these days. Just have to submit the paper soon and my project would be calm. And I'm just back from a decent break at home, with lots of sleep. So, bottomline of the rant is that most things are fine, good, yet something doesn't feel okay.

Which is why I snap sometimes, albeit temporarily. Gripped by fear or numbness, silence or hysteria. Short-lived, but intense. Do not know what it is. Two nights ago, it was panic though I was perfectly silent and calm outwardly, because dad wasn't feeling well and had a bad case of indigestion late in the night. Four nights ago, it was numbness, when I did not understand how to feel, how to act, how to think. Last week, it was pain, silent again, but entirely unreasonable. And sometime ago, it was irrational hysteria, draining away all my confidence. You get the picture, right? So I just stay silent now. It's the only thing that comforts, and also, hides the Fear. The lack of reason in my life is apalling. I've been called emotional, hysterical, over-dramatic, impractical for the nth time of late. And it's all true.

I am downright stupid. Sue me.