I have a question: Why do we, all of us, seek approval all the time from a certain finite intimate set of people? This need of approval and assurance, need for all our self-justification for every decision and choice to be backed by a chosen few, why is it so important? And the lack of it, so crippling. I suspect it is one of those things that keep us from becoming inhuman and cold-hearted stones, so it cannot be a bad thing per se. Yet it signifies the stranglehold of the emotional side on even the most non-sentimental of minds and throws open the question of whether we could ever stop caring, whether self-esteem is an entirely self-dependent entity.
The question floats in my mind also because how approval becomes more important when one has to struggle to get it, or when one is faced with a decision so important and life-changing that there is a need to muster up courage and self-belief (and backing from at least some of those we trust) and go ahead with something in the absence of approval (at least from some of those who matter). How do some people automatically gain the right to do this to us, without even knowing sometimes? Parents, friends, lovers, those we admire. Do they always care? We think they know better, we like them, that is why they are in that elite list, yet, are they always aware of how important they are? Do they even always know us reasonably well to make a sound judgment for us? Why do we not always reason this out? Why, for even the most pragmatic, rebellious, self-confident of minds, is "I know I'm right and I'll do it in any case" not nearly enough? Unless maybe, for one in a billion people. Unless maybe, it is a question of life and death. And even then, why is the ultimate satisfaction reached only when later, some of them finally come around and acknowledge the correctness of your choice and embrace you with pride for you, and until then you can't help being a little restless all the time?
Maybe it is not even about finding the answer to the shower of Whys above. Maybe that's just the way it is and will be and should be. Maybe all our "support group" is, is a projection of our internal conscience and value system on those we trust enough. But still, what about all the in-between times. When it's not a question of life or death, when it's not a choice so important that you need to rebel against the world, or when some of those you look up to approve and stand by you, and some do not. What about all those little everyday instances. When you continually strive hard so as to not let down this select group of people and be as good as they expect you to be, and when you fail? Or worse, when you succeed and look upto them to get that approval, that pat on the back, but all you get is indifference, or a reaction that falls far, far short, and then you can't stop yourself from facing the question, did I not do enough. And then, you can't stop yourself from trying even harder the next time and the time after that, and keep striving for that elusive approval.
Sometimes, the point comes when one feels "they", the trusted adored ones, do not really care, do not really notice, or do not really know who you are and what's important to you. The point comes when you try expressing your needs and your admiration to them, and draw a blank. When efforts at laying out your problems/points of view/convictions are met with either indifference, or misunderstanding, or a nonchalant manner that makes a joke about it till you know you're not being listened to: you're not interesting.
At that point, is it possible for one to stop trying, to rationalise and decide this person does not care and therefore should not be in this list for me, and this person's attitude does not matter? Or all one can do is stay in the vicious circle and try even harder, because afterall, those people in there, aren't they above judgement and questioning, weren't we convinced of their absolute brilliance and vitality to our lives before we put them there (sure some came by default, but still), isn't this lack of approval an indicator of our flaw and failure in reality?
Is it possible to reason out with things like emotional strongholds?
The question floats in my mind also because how approval becomes more important when one has to struggle to get it, or when one is faced with a decision so important and life-changing that there is a need to muster up courage and self-belief (and backing from at least some of those we trust) and go ahead with something in the absence of approval (at least from some of those who matter). How do some people automatically gain the right to do this to us, without even knowing sometimes? Parents, friends, lovers, those we admire. Do they always care? We think they know better, we like them, that is why they are in that elite list, yet, are they always aware of how important they are? Do they even always know us reasonably well to make a sound judgment for us? Why do we not always reason this out? Why, for even the most pragmatic, rebellious, self-confident of minds, is "I know I'm right and I'll do it in any case" not nearly enough? Unless maybe, for one in a billion people. Unless maybe, it is a question of life and death. And even then, why is the ultimate satisfaction reached only when later, some of them finally come around and acknowledge the correctness of your choice and embrace you with pride for you, and until then you can't help being a little restless all the time?
Maybe it is not even about finding the answer to the shower of Whys above. Maybe that's just the way it is and will be and should be. Maybe all our "support group" is, is a projection of our internal conscience and value system on those we trust enough. But still, what about all the in-between times. When it's not a question of life or death, when it's not a choice so important that you need to rebel against the world, or when some of those you look up to approve and stand by you, and some do not. What about all those little everyday instances. When you continually strive hard so as to not let down this select group of people and be as good as they expect you to be, and when you fail? Or worse, when you succeed and look upto them to get that approval, that pat on the back, but all you get is indifference, or a reaction that falls far, far short, and then you can't stop yourself from facing the question, did I not do enough. And then, you can't stop yourself from trying even harder the next time and the time after that, and keep striving for that elusive approval.
Sometimes, the point comes when one feels "they", the trusted adored ones, do not really care, do not really notice, or do not really know who you are and what's important to you. The point comes when you try expressing your needs and your admiration to them, and draw a blank. When efforts at laying out your problems/points of view/convictions are met with either indifference, or misunderstanding, or a nonchalant manner that makes a joke about it till you know you're not being listened to: you're not interesting.
At that point, is it possible for one to stop trying, to rationalise and decide this person does not care and therefore should not be in this list for me, and this person's attitude does not matter? Or all one can do is stay in the vicious circle and try even harder, because afterall, those people in there, aren't they above judgement and questioning, weren't we convinced of their absolute brilliance and vitality to our lives before we put them there (sure some came by default, but still), isn't this lack of approval an indicator of our flaw and failure in reality?
Is it possible to reason out with things like emotional strongholds?
13 comments:
Your post actually made me realize how much I depend upon certain people's approval and assurance for many decisions. The more messy the situation u need the backing even more! And at the times, it's really good to see how your closed one's really get involved in your problem.
:-)
Hey this is almost exactly what I have been going through!!! I was stubborn that I will do "my thing" but it was too scary without any stamp of approval....ultimately I arrived at the same conclusion on my own as others had but at least that way there are no regrets. When we let someone else decide then we always tend to wonder how the other path would have been............
we are sometimes too tired making decisions for ourselves, too indifferent sometimes towards the whole kit and caboodle but yet we are apprehensive of the outcome, sometimes we know we are biased and we want to make a rational decision. Unknoweth to you, you can a mean a world to some people, just that there is never a need or occasion for them to say it out aloud.
Dint i once told you, friendship and love is forged in misery and if not is never as strong....thats my theory anyways :)
another thing is perhaps the regard we hold these people in, there intellect, thought process etc etc and an approval gives that confidence in the choices we make, make our achievements look like achievements.
for the normal day things, i dont really know like you :) i sought the same answers once and then realized that answers or explanations would still not change the fact that my constant efforts to keep them part of my world, or be a part of their world would manifest themselves in indomitable ways.
i have tried hard to block people out and flocked back to them ashamed of myself, more aware of my helplessness and of my pitiful yearning for a little affection from them. indeed they are above any questioning or judgment, and that is hardly the point. this lack of approval is sometimes neither in our hands nor in theirs. some people have strong will, they dont give up even when they know that the affection they are looking for would never come to them. those occasional displays of empathy are forcefully interpreted as care. we can have empathy sometimes for even the most unthinkable of people :) the failure and flaw is only as much that one tries to cling to the idea that someday we would be part of that vitality and that brilliance.
the only thing i have understood is that sometimes it takes you a moment to realize where you stand, what is yours to ask.......but it takes a lifetime to accept that you arent always important enough, you are worthless in that world and you must leave. i always wish i could do that someday... wishful thinking you see :)
This is how humans work.. society man, its all abt the social value.. its the way we're programmed..
This is what I go through every damn day! huge problems with self esteem?who knows?probably :(
though I dont think so..I think its more of human nature to constantly search for reassurance
this was one post of yours that really resonated..
I used to seek approval from my loved-ones...there was a time like that. Guess I was dependent on them then. Not anymore. I give a damn abt wut ppl think anymore...I just do my thing. But there's one person I'd like to keep happy no matter what...and thats my mum.
Keshi.
We alwayls like approval. And sometimes, when we harden ourselves, we like to hear a critique of our works. Yet to hear people criticize about it, one may not bear very well.
Human are pleasure seeking people, and what better pleasure then to hear good things about ourselves and our works?
we all need reassurance..all...we crave for acceptance..we crave for that attention..we need it...and it would be foolish to think we dont
btw a lovely lovely past....the kinda which we all think about
Wow! You captured what is on everybody's mind. What to do, we all are chained to this nature by being a human. We are not autistic, we need people around. And expectations is another devil in all of us, making us feel bitter and frustrated. And as a very dear friend of mine had said, there is always a mismatch in relationships, for you someone means a lot, but not the same other way round. Its all about balancing your expectations and constantly revisiting your list and modify it.
I think every thing has some negative aspect.. so has emotional stronghold. Sometime it seems like disturbance but when the same person stop asking/giving suggestions we may feel worse.
Suno sabko karo khudki
"Report to achchhi likhi hai bachche, but this isn't the title you got approved from the deptt!" :P
always done my own thing. always will.
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