A friend (another!!!) has decided to get married (rather her parents think 24 is late enough to get married) and the suitable boy has been chosen. A casual discussion led to some wondering and pondering, and a series of questions for the liberalised-yet-close-to-the-roots hybrid generation of ours. It so happens that she used to date this one guy in school , for about two years, then another for a year or so in college, and a third for about 2 yrs after college, which got a little serious, but broke off about 1.5-2 yrs ago as well. That, is the "past", nothing wrong with it, per se, for she is looking forward to life ahead with this guy. However, she still wonders about whether and how to clarify her and his past with him before marriage, just to start on a clean slate. Or whether it's best stored in the past?
Now while that is a personal matter and an individual choice, one still wonders how people do it/imagine that they should do it.
Phew!
Now while that is a personal matter and an individual choice, one still wonders how people do it/imagine that they should do it.
- So, were you getting married to someone other than a longtime sweetheart, would you or would you not offer to discuss the "past" of each other, to start afresh?
- If not, what if a few yrs later you come across your husband's ex-girlfriend/your wife's ex-lover now-good friend, would you take it in your stride since you yourself decided to avoid thr graveyard discussion?
- If yes, how much do you want to share/want to know? It maybe OK that your wife had a boyfriend 2 years back, but is it OK that she had a physical relationship with him as well? Or vice versa?
Phew!
17 comments:
Hey, I have been following your blog for quite sometime. I like your writing style.
I could so relate to this post. Most of my friends/cousins are married by now. And the fact that I will turn 25 next month but marriage is still not on the cards for me is disturbing a lot of people.
Coming to your question, well yes I too think that it is best to talk things out. However since an arranged marriage involves the entire family I don't know how many people would be comfortable sharing their deepest secrets. It doesn't take much to admit about an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. But how many would be willing to divulge the details of their physical relationships. Plus there always is this inhibition that the other person might not take it in the right stride.
At the end of it is a "personal matter and an individual choice" like you said!
Either way chill maarna chaahiye... bahut zyaada serious lene laayak to life cheez hi nahi hai :D
totally! whats with everyone starting to get married suddenly!
I too think being honest is the best way to go.
First things first, being honest is the way go wether an arranged marriage or not. Yes, there is a lot at stake in an arranged marriage but its better to make things simpler. Also, its not about what or how much the other person wants to know, its how much you'd want to tell and be honest with yourself.
yeh sab bhi hota hai zindagi mein?!
Sent you an e-mail. Let me know if you got it. :)
ohhh...heavy!!!
[Rakhi]
Hey Rakhi, thanks for dropping by. :)
Yeah, I totally agree. Why do "people" get worried about others' marriages so much more than the persons concerned themselves :P
Crazy!
Your point is exactly what I had in mind. Arranged marriages have a lot of family and outsiders involved, and it maybe difficult to trust someone you barely know with so much of personal detail. Then again, waiting till u know them better could be too late in some cases. Bane of our caught in middle generation. :P
:)
[divesh]
hehe, way to go! :D
[veikiin]
Yeah, seriously. Why is everyone around getting married out of nowhere! It's just damn weird telling ur parents u have to go to a batchmate's wedding.
[Realistic me]
I personally agree with ur point. There is no substitute to honesty, and no relationship can be started without the basis of honesty and trust. However, how much to tell is crucial, you dont wanna hurt anyone's feelings too. And esp if u r a girl telling ur would-be husband abt ur past...it can get tricky. So many men in india still expect their wives to be virgins, for example.
Got ur mail, replied too. :)
[bhushan]
hota to hai...abhi apne batch walon ki shadi hogi na, tab dekh liyo :P
[passionate]
Umm...sigh.
Great post.....I doubt, Only a few would share their physical (past) relationship with his/her partner ....and that's why most of the marriages failed after sometime.. :(. If you really love someone you got to know your partner in and out! And you have to do the same! If your partner doesn't love you back bcos of that.. then it won't be a true love!
Kind of hard to digest, but that's a fact! :)
well...
mebbe at 20 i m not at that position in lifeto say this... but i think no realation cn work without honesty... though not necessarily complete.
I mean for instane u and ur ex might be pretty close physically and mentally but if u r sure u r over him/her and ready to move on, all ur partner needs to know is that u had an ex. U need not gointo all this "i was soooo close "and crap. How the hell does it matter now?
If u slept with ur ex, yes he / she needs to know that too coz some "men" AND WOMEN have issues with it...
I mean get it out in one go and finsih it. and then let the past rot. i mean ur relationship is their to make ur future happy. let it do that...
but yeah nice and perennial quandry esp in india!!!
Why dont people learn something from "Friends"!!!
What I want to know is, is there something wrong with us? Ir something wrong with them? :-) :-)
On a more serious note, it comes as a surprise when my classmates are getting married, but then, to each, his or her own.
Suddenly people are discussing marriage cuz may be according to the 'indian' ways, all your friends have come of age. And I think people should be mature enough to discuss all the questions you penned down.. After all marriage is supposed to be for life. Cheers!
i dnt think ne1 shud tel abt their intimate details to their wud-b. they may b kool initially bt it has d potential 2 bcm a flashpoint in d future. if u r over it, no point in raising d topic. bt make sure he/she dsnt cm 2 knw abt it accidently frm ne1 else, he/she wil feel cheated.
sahi mein re
2 out of 5 girls who jouned with me will b married by dec!!
n 1 is younger than me.....
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