Once upon a time, not so long ago, I thought I was in love.
Once upon a time, a bit before that, I was really in love. At that time, it was the best thing to have happened to me. Probably still is. Point is, once upon a time, not so long ago, my life had revolved around one precious relationship for more than seven years.
Like many other people. And like many of those people, I intrinsically believed that was it. It was full of love, care and deep understanding for the most part. Except that time, distance and that funny thing called too-much-comfort had probably taken a toll on it.
Aarghh...why am I trying to find an excuse. Lying to the mirror doesn't tint your reflection. Fact is, he loved me a lot and he loved me the same all those years, and probably would have for the rest of my life. But I wanted more. It now sounds irresponsibly callous, but it wouldn't be too off the mark to say I was probably bored, and life seemed to offer so much freshness. The day I stopped taking his calls and pretending I was too busy, I didn't feel a thing. Maybe I was dead already by then. And I was indulging myself in what felt like righteous liberating choices.
He had come here to surprise me on May 10th last year. To celebrate our seventh year of being together. I was happy and touched. The past few months of distance had almost vanished. I could have been rescued!
We spent two wonderful days together. And then flew to London for the next three months.
The day he came back from London, I went to see him at the airport. And then, when I saw that immense love in his eyes, I just couldn't stand it any longer. I felt small - yes, maybe even then I had a soul. I told him I had cheated on him behind his back with this guy who lived in the same building as me, but had no more courage to say anything more. I couldn't even answer when he asked if I loved him. I had frozen. The pain of his eyes at that moment stings my insides even day
He walked away.
When I finally realized what I had done, and how little everything in the world without him meant to me, I collapsed.
I tried calling him once, and he disconnected. I haven't been able to try again. People tell me move on, look beyond. I wonder, to where.
How could someone be so dead that they stay alive knowing the evil that lives inside them.
[To be continued]
Once upon a time, a bit before that, I was really in love. At that time, it was the best thing to have happened to me. Probably still is. Point is, once upon a time, not so long ago, my life had revolved around one precious relationship for more than seven years.
Like many other people. And like many of those people, I intrinsically believed that was it. It was full of love, care and deep understanding for the most part. Except that time, distance and that funny thing called too-much-comfort had probably taken a toll on it.
Aarghh...why am I trying to find an excuse. Lying to the mirror doesn't tint your reflection. Fact is, he loved me a lot and he loved me the same all those years, and probably would have for the rest of my life. But I wanted more. It now sounds irresponsibly callous, but it wouldn't be too off the mark to say I was probably bored, and life seemed to offer so much freshness. The day I stopped taking his calls and pretending I was too busy, I didn't feel a thing. Maybe I was dead already by then. And I was indulging myself in what felt like righteous liberating choices.
He had come here to surprise me on May 10th last year. To celebrate our seventh year of being together. I was happy and touched. The past few months of distance had almost vanished. I could have been rescued!
We spent two wonderful days together. And then flew to London for the next three months.
The day he came back from London, I went to see him at the airport. And then, when I saw that immense love in his eyes, I just couldn't stand it any longer. I felt small - yes, maybe even then I had a soul. I told him I had cheated on him behind his back with this guy who lived in the same building as me, but had no more courage to say anything more. I couldn't even answer when he asked if I loved him. I had frozen. The pain of his eyes at that moment stings my insides even day
He walked away.
When I finally realized what I had done, and how little everything in the world without him meant to me, I collapsed.
I tried calling him once, and he disconnected. I haven't been able to try again. People tell me move on, look beyond. I wonder, to where.
How could someone be so dead that they stay alive knowing the evil that lives inside them.
[To be continued]
13 comments:
Ah, the vintage Ment!
But, if you really have cheated on him behind his back, you shouldn't be forgiven [-(
I disagree bro ...
Too much is made of fidelity in relationships. In a relationship both parties have some expectations and they have to be manage them but to conclude that "cheating" (in the conventional sense of the word) should automatically imply a termination of the relationship is a very irrational and immature view in my opinion.
Phoenix...great posts...have read many more of yours. Consider me as one of your fans. You write pretty well. Thats the least I can say...
I must say thankyou for writing these posts it helps me for sure to understand how far I am ,to be in your league....and most definitely presents with a new thought and topic to ponder on....
Keep posting....
as far as i understand, it looked as if u wer bored of this relationship at some point...is dat y u cheated on him? during d tym u *pretended to be busy*?
i get bored of relationships after a point of tym n i beg of them to give me my space...they get hurt and go away just as i had asked) bu they fail to realise that i wanted them bak, just not then...
i understood, jus recently, that i was wrong, there was sum glitch in me for wantin to get away from ppl who love me. y would i want ppl who care for me to leave me alone in the first place? y do i break all the relations with ppl jus cuz i'm bored? i'm stil searchin for answers...if u hav ne, PLEASE help!...if u got the same problem, we NEED HELP!
regardin your post...i somehow symathise wid ur post..but i wont say uv dun the right thing...uv lost the person who loved you...just like i did plenty of tyms..:(
@Bro:
'Love', as an excuse for a relationship or for monogamy, is immature in itself. But if two parties agree to that, and then one of them uses it as a fall-back option and explores other 'opportunities', that's sad. More so if the one who 'cheated' wouldn't like to be treated the same way.
@Bro ...
" But if two parties agree to that"
Its rarely discussed, and hence rarely agreed upon. Its almost always assumed, sometimes mistakenly.
"More so if the one who 'cheated' wouldn't like to be treated the same way"
Thats not implied here ... so i shall give the benefit of doubt to the protagonist.
@Bro:
By "two parties agreeing to that", I meant tacitly agreeing. Of course no no-cheating contract needs to be signed.
Btw, who exactly is the 'protagonist' here?!
One more thing: If you see from the Londoner's point of view, it's not unfair of him to think that one confessed act of cheating may just be the tip of the iceberg.
Hi Taru ......
Sad to read this post ...
Sad because
There are ways of braking up ...but telling your bf (of last 7 years) that you cheated means u will never get him even as your friend (from a guy's perspective) it is the biggest sin u can commit ....
We have all been there and felt that way about a committed relationship and yet we know the significance of it only when we don't have it....
What a cruel way to break up !!!!but i guess u need to be really cruel to get a clean breakup
All i can say is .....no guy worth his salt will ever forgive being cheated so u will have to move on ...
@bro ...
" it's not unfair of him to think that one confessed act of cheating may just be the tip of the iceberg"
I am not sure ... since the effect of cheating once and cheating 10 times are the same, i would expect someone to confess it all rather than just a part.
@Nikhil ...
"no guy worth his salt will ever forgive being cheated"
Was it a factual statement ? If so, you are clearly wrong. But if you were just being judgemental ...
All relations are a matter of threshold and convenience. Sooner we realize it, better.
Neo
well Tirthankar .....i dont bother abt politically correct comments ....as far as i know no one i have heard off ( in films , real life ...) tolerates it .....so it is refreshing that ur allright wid it .....gud for u and ur gal
If you cannot forgive someone how can you love him/her.
and i agree with tirth when he says "to conclude that "cheating" (in the conventional sense of the word) should automatically imply a termination of the relationship is a very irrational and immature view in my opinion."
it may be "in ue opinion" but in most cases it means precisely dat ..............
there r few things for which ppl dont forgive ...not even to their loved ones ...u will atleast agree to that
love itself is irrational most of the time so is hate and extreme anger.....but most of us indulge in thm
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