[[I have been trying to write this for many days now. I had actually intended the last part to be the concluding one, but words deserted me. I don't know how this ends.
Or, even if I know, I do not want to write that ending. Fiction is not life; life is not perfect. And telling stories some times take away more from you than you'd negotiated. I write here two versions ofreality my imagination. Excuse the fallacies of writing and the inadequacy of answers, and take your pick.
Concluding part. Part 1 here. Part 2 here. Part 3 here]]
Version 1
"...I don't even know if you remember or not that today, the 10th of May, represents the day I gave you my heart, my trust and my life all those years ago. I don't even know if I represent anything to you other than a chapter of the past. But somehow, even after all these months, my heart doesn't believe my head. The same heart you shattered mercilessly that day at the airport. The idea of you not loving me hurts me more than your admission of what you did behind my back. Somehow, something in me believes there was something in your eyes and your silence even that day. Maybe I've gone crazy. My anger and my sense of betrayal have both subsided. Both love and the agony of love have finally deserted me, but peace eludes me. Even today I cannot reconcile to the fact that I didn't know the girl I loved at all, and that one day you just stopped caring. I do not even envy the object of your affections any more, but it hurts me to realize that you'd have to have changed entirely as a person to be what my mind tells me you are now.
I have been thinking of talking to you once for a long time, but I feared I'd break down in front of you because at that stage I was afraid I wanted you back. But today I need to get past this. And that's why I ask for a small favor from you, for the sake of better times.
I want to believe you did what you did for your happiness, and you are better off for it, and then I will be able to forgive you and move on beyond.
If you do not wish to see me or speak to me, just hand over this envelope back to Shikha . I'd understand.
Good luck..."
I read the words several times. My mind was numb and my eyes were red, but the rest of the body was bursting with pain. I had no idea what to do. Jumping off the roof seemed like a smart idea. I felt small and I felt hopeful at the same time. What would I tell him? What did he want to hear? He clearly did not love me any more - was I supposed to give him the peace he needed to move on. Should I just apologize for my mistake and let him decide.
I soon realized I wasn't and couldn't think straight. It was just the kind of times when I needed him, to be able to run into his arms, where he'd make me feel secure, then scold me and cajole me into doing what was right.
I had to let go of the tussle inside me. I got up, opened the door and walked barefoot to Shikha's place, letter in hand.
I knew he would be waiting there.
********************************************************************************************
Version 2
"...aren't you surprised that I still celebrate the day we first got together. Despite how it ended, it was the best thing that happened to me, and that is why every year I'd striven to make it special. But I guess what we had was never special enough for you. You ruined my dreams with a cold betrayal. You changed, without warning.
Before I left for London, I sensed that you were unhappy with the distance and all I could think of were ways to make you happy. That is why I had asked for a permanent transfer to Mumbai and I'd planned to ask you to marry me as soon as I landed back in India, back in your arms. But for once, you beat me with your plans. Your arms hadn't waited for me. I was so wrong...I was not the one you ever needed to be happy. My broken heart felt heavier than the ring in my pocket. But most of all, the coldness of your eyes when I asked you in desperation if you loved me even a little bit - that still sends shivers down my spine.
I was a simple guy. I loved you with everything I had. I tried my best to make you happy. But it wasn't enough. You couldn't be mine. Still, you could have just told me and walked away sooner instead of breaking my trust. Why did you have to ruin my belief in life? You'd never be able to build your castle of joy over the grave of my hope.
I myself do not believe the kind of things I did just to get over you. I drank myself silly, I quit my job and I spent nights wasted at friends' places just to stop feeling the pain. I hooked up with random girls just to see how it felt to cheat on you. But satisfaction eluded me even in revenge. Thankfully, I eventually realized that life was not worth wasting over one bad memory. You never deserved me.
And now, I actually forgive you for what you did. You don't deserve my hatred either, any more.
Between you and me, I have been the one planning every anniversary for us. This year too, I have a plan. I'm leaving India today permanently to start a new life that is not haunted by your betrayal. I'm leaving for you the ring - the burden is not mine to bear anymore. Consider it my last anniversary gift...."
I picked up the envelope - there actually was a ring inside. Shiny, slightly bruised at the edges, but still, almost smiling, with my name engraved on it. I wore it and felt a strange happiness, a strange relief. The tears dried up and the pain vanished.
I felt I could now die.
Or, even if I know, I do not want to write that ending. Fiction is not life; life is not perfect. And telling stories some times take away more from you than you'd negotiated. I write here two versions of
Concluding part. Part 1 here. Part 2 here. Part 3 here]]
Version 1
"...I don't even know if you remember or not that today, the 10th of May, represents the day I gave you my heart, my trust and my life all those years ago. I don't even know if I represent anything to you other than a chapter of the past. But somehow, even after all these months, my heart doesn't believe my head. The same heart you shattered mercilessly that day at the airport. The idea of you not loving me hurts me more than your admission of what you did behind my back. Somehow, something in me believes there was something in your eyes and your silence even that day. Maybe I've gone crazy. My anger and my sense of betrayal have both subsided. Both love and the agony of love have finally deserted me, but peace eludes me. Even today I cannot reconcile to the fact that I didn't know the girl I loved at all, and that one day you just stopped caring. I do not even envy the object of your affections any more, but it hurts me to realize that you'd have to have changed entirely as a person to be what my mind tells me you are now.
I have been thinking of talking to you once for a long time, but I feared I'd break down in front of you because at that stage I was afraid I wanted you back. But today I need to get past this. And that's why I ask for a small favor from you, for the sake of better times.
I want to believe you did what you did for your happiness, and you are better off for it, and then I will be able to forgive you and move on beyond.
If you do not wish to see me or speak to me, just hand over this envelope back to Shikha . I'd understand.
Good luck..."
I read the words several times. My mind was numb and my eyes were red, but the rest of the body was bursting with pain. I had no idea what to do. Jumping off the roof seemed like a smart idea. I felt small and I felt hopeful at the same time. What would I tell him? What did he want to hear? He clearly did not love me any more - was I supposed to give him the peace he needed to move on. Should I just apologize for my mistake and let him decide.
I soon realized I wasn't and couldn't think straight. It was just the kind of times when I needed him, to be able to run into his arms, where he'd make me feel secure, then scold me and cajole me into doing what was right.
I had to let go of the tussle inside me. I got up, opened the door and walked barefoot to Shikha's place, letter in hand.
I knew he would be waiting there.
********************************************************************************************
Version 2
"...aren't you surprised that I still celebrate the day we first got together. Despite how it ended, it was the best thing that happened to me, and that is why every year I'd striven to make it special. But I guess what we had was never special enough for you. You ruined my dreams with a cold betrayal. You changed, without warning.
Before I left for London, I sensed that you were unhappy with the distance and all I could think of were ways to make you happy. That is why I had asked for a permanent transfer to Mumbai and I'd planned to ask you to marry me as soon as I landed back in India, back in your arms. But for once, you beat me with your plans. Your arms hadn't waited for me. I was so wrong...I was not the one you ever needed to be happy. My broken heart felt heavier than the ring in my pocket. But most of all, the coldness of your eyes when I asked you in desperation if you loved me even a little bit - that still sends shivers down my spine.
I was a simple guy. I loved you with everything I had. I tried my best to make you happy. But it wasn't enough. You couldn't be mine. Still, you could have just told me and walked away sooner instead of breaking my trust. Why did you have to ruin my belief in life? You'd never be able to build your castle of joy over the grave of my hope.
I myself do not believe the kind of things I did just to get over you. I drank myself silly, I quit my job and I spent nights wasted at friends' places just to stop feeling the pain. I hooked up with random girls just to see how it felt to cheat on you. But satisfaction eluded me even in revenge. Thankfully, I eventually realized that life was not worth wasting over one bad memory. You never deserved me.
And now, I actually forgive you for what you did. You don't deserve my hatred either, any more.
Between you and me, I have been the one planning every anniversary for us. This year too, I have a plan. I'm leaving India today permanently to start a new life that is not haunted by your betrayal. I'm leaving for you the ring - the burden is not mine to bear anymore. Consider it my last anniversary gift...."
I picked up the envelope - there actually was a ring inside. Shiny, slightly bruised at the edges, but still, almost smiling, with my name engraved on it. I wore it and felt a strange happiness, a strange relief. The tears dried up and the pain vanished.
I felt I could now die.
23 comments:
Reading or coming across every such piece makes me feel i understand the word 'love' a little less.. it has so different interpretations for different people, e.g., the guys in version 1 and version 2 and the girl (who, btw seems to be the same person in version 1 and version 2) .. it doesn't seem worthwhile to pick one of the two versions for different people will react differently to the same situation..
It must be emotionally draining to write a story like this when it can be so much so even reading one ... take care..
Both versions seem fine...Love, like love, has so many shades. You write well.
Speaking for myself, i couldn't have written the 2nd letter ...
To be honest, I didn't feel differently while reading the two versions.
Love you, Ment :-)
The guy wrote the letters (both of them) quite like I used to write email ;-)
Go on till writing till Beyond-MMM. At least one regular reader will be there :-)
I liked both versions but version one was better.
And yes I cn certainly feel the difference in the two versions :P
i dont know which one to pick...but somehow both dont feel like an end to me...cause i want answers :)
if have to pick....one....running away or dying never seems to end anything
PS: Does the comment make any sense
It was like reading 2 different stories :P
It was interesting to note the varied response u got for this post.
However I have just one work. Complicated.
The second letter can only be true in a bad hollywood/bollywood script obsessed with happy ending...
As far as my sensibility goes the first letter seems to be the natural progression of things and it is so true to the story that i m thinking the words are too good to be fiction entirely ....
I find the second ending more plausible.
I feel the first ending would come when emotions are raw and questions swirling...maybe a month later....
a year gives one a long time to reflect.
[Divesh]
Everybody has their own understanding and own interpretations, based on wht they believed, what they went through and what they wish for. Deconstructing everything is an impossibility, particularly something as irrational and subjective as love. You can only try to find post facto explanations for actions that result out of "love".
Try.
The girl was intended to be the same person. The guy's character is an open slate so far in the story, so the words define who you think he is/was
[Neena]
Thanks for reading. The shades are what make love and life interesting :)
[Tirthankar]
You could have written the first one so many months later? I don't know.
There are several more versions of the letter out there - uglier, and saintlier.
[vibhav]
As in, they *felt* the same or they could have been written by the same person at the same time. OR there is no difference in the way you see the story headed?
:)
[Ment]
Ment, you must have written some super scary (and dramatic) emails. Thank God (?) I never got any. :P
Thanks for reading, hope you liked it. What would I do if you didnt read my crap. :)
Anyhow, dont think this randomness can be jheloed anymore by anyone (Except you :P), but willt ry to write more, more often.
If bI ever write a book, I'm counting on you to buy a copy :)
[one more blogger]
Well, at least someone feels a difference. :) Thanks for reading sweets
[desperado]
Answers...sigh..not so easy to get...not so simple, and often takes too long to get even a half-reply. Sores for life, some are.
But yes, the comment makes sense. Your tilt to the first version is also understandable. I wonder how you imagine, what happened after.
[Voice]
Yes, pretty interesting. How people react says a lot about how they are and how they think.
Complicated, well, are you new to this pagE? :P
[nikhil]
I totally buy the bad scripted part, but how in the world is the second later "happy ending"
The first..well..your take. Every fiction is someone's reality :)
[aditi]
Fair point. It's still biting, not entirely forgiving even though the words say so. Even a year on, there's enough between the lines more than what meets the eye.
the way i see it ....i will never write the 2nd one ....before i am chill enough to write the 2nd one i guess i will hook up with someone else ....short attention span and too many options i guess ...besides...trust is a huge thing for me ...so the 2nd is happy ending to me ...wont write that even if only 2 ppl remain on planet earth
sorry for sms lingo and strong words [:)]
The guy really loves the girl. And when you really love somebody, it gives you a lot of strength. And with that kind of strength, he would have easily forgiven her. Love is selfless. you do not do things because you would get something in exchange. you do things because u care, u love. so the whole concept of 'guy loved the girl' is contradictory with the second version of the story.
[Nikhil]
That is interesting, so what would hyou have written. Say a month later, and a yr later. Version 1 or something else? When does the anger subside.
PS Too many options :) Lucky you
[kayal]
I understand what you are saying...but look at it this way, people take things hard and react different ways. All that is established in the story before this letter is the girls' belief that the guy loved her. Some of it may or may not be marred by her own strong sense of guilt. Point is, it is easy to say love is forgiving, and true love means sacrifice, but not always easy to do. And that's not a lesser thing or a lesser love. Just life, and imperfection of us human beings.
Hi Phoenix ....i have travelled the roads ....so i m pretty sure how i will react ....
After a year (my anger doesnot subside in a matter of months) "may" be ...i will understand (forgive) provided the gal was the love of my life and i get convinced it was a transient thing, like it just happened , not at all in my senses or watever....But will i ever forgive ....not a chance ....
So this is wat i wud have written may be after 2-3 years .....wont modify version 1 here, the comment will be too long ....
but to sum it up ...it will be ....i still respect u ....may be i wud have done the same thing if i were in so n so situation ...but u know me and u know i will always love you but i guess few things are not meant to b... bst of luck for ur future...
Amazing.
Like the new look :) (probably except for starting a new post with PINK letters!)
Ring one looks more bollywoodish and perhaps more emotionally alluring, while the give-back-the-envelope-to-shikha looks more supermanish and out of the normal world...
PS: In your blog there are excellent prose - followed by excellent poetry: when will they two combine? :)
[nikhil]
Interesting. Acceptance of why something happened (to you) is the most difficult part anyway.
[novacaine]
:) Random color choice to go on black :P
Essentially you dont agree with either of the two "endings"...fair enough :)
How does poetry and prose combine...it's not so simple to do, is it?
It's not simple enough: agreed - but then we've LOTR :)
n of all days, u chose my bday for this sad not !!
I dont understand when two people are so much in love with each other, why do they separate.
They cry and feel like a failure for that somebody n yet remain oblivious to each other, imagining whats going on in the Other's life.
why do people wish and invite misery when they can be Happy(or unhappy!) together.
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