[[Sorry for the delay for those who've been asking for this - continued from here...well, in some way]]
It's not very easy to hide pain - it dissolves itself in the eyes and gleams at anyone caring to look at your face. Guilt and shame are much easier to hide in contrast - they get spooked and disappear deep inside the dark crevices of your existence, yet they'd never let you forget their presence. They just eat away at you till you're empty inside.
I had erred, I knew, and I never let myself forget that. I had kissed a fool, I had been fooled by a kiss. In hindsight it is easy to dismiss it as an oversight of youth, as an emotional and hormonal over-excitement. Falling in "love" without knowing anything about the person. Love, infatuation, caring - all, as they say, vagaries of perception. Lies. But that's easy to say now, judge now. At that time it was just a stealth romance, something that excited me as a forbidden fruit, a happily ever after dream. It felt like happiness, exactly the kind of happiness everyone talked about. Brief as it was, it was my bright rainbow. Until of course everything went downhill, and I found myself in a deep abyss, all alone, struggling to portray normalcy to every watching eye.
I probably should have asked for help. I definitely should have been saner. Maybe, I would still be able to trust people then. Maybe, every relationship today wouldn't have had me under some camouflage, but the real me.
Too many maybes.
[[To be continued - last part to follow]]
It's not very easy to hide pain - it dissolves itself in the eyes and gleams at anyone caring to look at your face. Guilt and shame are much easier to hide in contrast - they get spooked and disappear deep inside the dark crevices of your existence, yet they'd never let you forget their presence. They just eat away at you till you're empty inside.
I had erred, I knew, and I never let myself forget that. I had kissed a fool, I had been fooled by a kiss. In hindsight it is easy to dismiss it as an oversight of youth, as an emotional and hormonal over-excitement. Falling in "love" without knowing anything about the person. Love, infatuation, caring - all, as they say, vagaries of perception. Lies. But that's easy to say now, judge now. At that time it was just a stealth romance, something that excited me as a forbidden fruit, a happily ever after dream. It felt like happiness, exactly the kind of happiness everyone talked about. Brief as it was, it was my bright rainbow. Until of course everything went downhill, and I found myself in a deep abyss, all alone, struggling to portray normalcy to every watching eye.
I probably should have asked for help. I definitely should have been saner. Maybe, I would still be able to trust people then. Maybe, every relationship today wouldn't have had me under some camouflage, but the real me.
Too many maybes.
[[To be continued - last part to follow]]
2 comments:
Mistakes of the past become miseries of the future.
different emotions and feelings in part 3 & 4... two different sides of the same... waiting for the next eagerly
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