Growing up

I was reading random pages from my diary from 8 yrs ago and all I kept saying every couple of minutes was "gosh! I was so screwed up".

I wonder if 8 yrs from now I will read this blog and say the same thing. :) I hope so, actually, because it can only mean I'm improving. And also because in those pages, every now and then I read a sentence that makes me smile today, or makes me feel proud of myself for having such a profound thought at 16. What better gift can I give the future-me! :)

Losing yourself aka test for love

Close your eyes, and for one moment, just one moment...imagine giving up all rights and control on your own life...a complete surrender...a deep breath that says 'que sera sera - let go' and prepares you, for just that moment, to leave yourself to destiny, beyond all ego and instincts of self-preservation, to someone else - their wishes, their being, their caring or not caring for you.

Take another breath, and honestly tell yourself, if there's someone you'd trust to give yourself upto like that?

Who?

Maybe your family, maybe not. But they have already proven they can do that when you were little. Who else? Your best friend. Your spouse. Your spiritual leader. Don't say God, imaginary friends don't count. The gamble is with fallible mortal real people.

Do you love someone enough that your faith in them can transcend your sense of self? Do you love someone enough to make them the Hero of the movie of your life - even if for just that moment?

Taleem

Zindagi ke khwab dekhne lage
Chhod maut ki ummeedein
Hum na jane kabse saayon ko bhi
Chandni kehlane lage.


Sab kuch kho ke bhi ji jo liye,
Ab darr kahan raha raahon mein
Jo mila bahut mila, maankar
Dil ko behlane lage.


Dard ki inteha pe pahunch kar
Dosti gehri kar daali itni
Hum to ab muskura purane
Zakhm sehlane lage.

Birthdays

There was a time, not that long ago, when I actually remembered at least 250, if not more, birthdays every year. This was also a time when I actually remembered most phone numbers I dialed, but that's another story. As you can guess, I had an above average memory and was proud of it to some extent. Truth was, it was also of some value, as this was before the age of infinite phone memories and social media. People actually felt nice when I remembered them on their birthdays, some of them people I had otherwise lose touch with and only talk once or twice a year. Of course I can go back to even simpler times when we actually got little gifts for our friends and classmates (as opposed to just ask for treats) and kind of made an effort to make it "feel" special, more than just an excuse to party. I am smiling as I remember how those days we'd complain that there are too many birthdays clubbed together in August or December, thereby depleting the small pocket money. But coming back to today, this age of social media, I feel as if those little personal touches have lost all significance. Maybe it is just me, but somehow Facebook and co discourages me from wishing people. Barring the 10 or 15 I care to remember, I feel discouraged to call. It's just like adding a little bit more ink on their wall. It wouldn't matter - to them or to me. It's not the same as remembering someone and dropping an email or a call. Yes, it is useful as most of the times we just forget these things, and we'd like to remember. Occasionally, I slipped up because I lost track of the date. But I could make up for that. Now...

This year I missed my best friend's birthday because I'd put it on a mobile reminder which somehow got screwed and moved to the week after, and on the said day I was too occupied with travel and getting myself a new job. I over-relied on technology, failed, and felt shitty. Far shittier than I'd have felt if I'd just forgotten. And that age, he would have called me to abuse me and remind me, which of course now he didn't. 

Maybe it is just me, but I don't feel like wishing acquaintances and old friends any more through this media. For close friends, I will remember. For others I care about, I'd drop an sms or call because I care, but I know it won't be valued as much. For the rest, I sorta assume it doesn't make a difference.

Or does it, I wonder.

As Rohan said, perhaps our new social, online world is pushing people away, as much as it claims to bringing old ties alive.

Camouflage -V

[[Realised that this is still lying incomplete in my drafts. I know the story is quite crappy and broken, but posting it nonetheless to end it. Continued from here]]

The funny part is, of course, that it wasn't even a real romance. Other than the thrill of being forbidden, of being so "wrong", it meant nothing. But still, I went against every instinct and indulged myself in it. The day I realized I was pregnant - the world slid beneath my feet. I had so fervently hoped it wasn't true - I had prayed, cried, begged to the Lords in the sky. But it was, and I had no clue what to do. As I said, I probably should have asked for help and I definitely should have been saner not to get there in the first place.

But I was just a kid myself.

And I really couldn't have asked for help - I really couldn't have told anyone. I told him, of course, and he disappeared. The fires of the hell that I lived through that month still burn inside me. Every night, I silently bled and cried. Every night, my guilt and my pain dissolved my ability to love, to trust, to heal. And every morning, I would wake up, smile, and be who I was expected to be. Because no one could know. Because every shade of that darkness was my own.

Because the camouflage was now me.

Still is, I guess.

What do I want anyway?

There's something I want - rather, I think I want. In fact, I only want to know if I will get it, someday, possibly. And this want stays at the back of my mind all the time these days. I don't even know if I want it badly, just that I keep thinking about it. To make matters more complicated, every time I ask myself what will I do if I had it, or if I knew I'd get it, I basically freak. I don't think I know what I'll do if I get it, how I'll handle it, and whether I will want it anymore or not. I will probably learn to deal with it, but when I try to imagine I always conclude I am better off now without it than I would be if I had it. Life is much simpler. 

And yet, I keep wanting it. 

Am I screwed up, or just my wish-o-meter?

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I wasted many years of my life living pretty much in a hazy mental state of denial, self-loathing, and some random victim complex. I was not as fucked up as those words sound in English, but I was fucked up all right. Late last year I found a way out of the over-romanticised darkness. In the last few weeks, I found myself battling old familiar doubt and the new optimism seems to be winning. On my own. Reason I write this here is so that whenever future me reads these words, she remembers that it's possible to defeat darkness and she remembers that sometimes, she is better than she thinks she is. Give her a break, kiddo.

Kisi kisi raat...

Kisi kisi raat jee karta hai
Tumhe sab sach bata doon
Ro loon tumhari bahon mein
Tumhare hothon se muska doon

Kisi kisi raat jee karta hai
Ki sapne khuli ankhon se dekhoon
Mang loon tumse dil ki har chahat
Aur tum par khud ko luta doon

Kisi kisi raat yaad aata hai
Kitna tadpein hain ab tak is pyaar mein
Kitna chaha hai tumhari chahat ko
Kitna royein hain intezaar mein

Kisi kisi raat ye bhi jee karta hai
Ki har sawaal ka jawab main pa loon
Ya likh doon naam tumhare dil pe
Ya apne dil se tumhara naam mita doon