Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

No Matter What..

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter how they call us
No matter how they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I'll know our love forever
I know no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear god say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine
(the sun don't shine)
Or if the skies are blue
(skies are blue)
No matter what the ending
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
(what I believe)
I can't be what I'm not
(I know I know)
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now, no matter what
no no matter what..
no no matter what..
(no no matter that's all that matters to me)


BOYZONE

INCESSANT DESIRES

ALL SHE WANTS, AND DOESN'T...

I don't want our shadows,

To walk beside,each other in the night;

I don't want the winds,

To bring along the beats, of your heart, to mine;

I don't want to hear words,

That say that u love me more than the world;

I don't want the world,

To look at me and say, I'm your girl;

I don't want your gifts,

Fake promises of forever, or hopes any more;

I don't want to be demanded,

To be desired, or to be adored.

I want our shadows

To disappear within, each other, and the night;

I want the winds

Never to be able to, flow between your heart and mine;

I want word to fail,

And your eyes to tell me, that I am your world;

I want noone else

To ever see me, and 'violate', for I am your girl;

I want your hand in mine

And I'd know it's forever, or I'd live no more;

I want to be possessed

To be absorbed, and to be owned.

Horror-Scope

Everyone has their share of big horrors and small fears in their lives, in their todays, tomorrows and yesterdays. Some people acknowledge them, most don't understand them and quite a few try to run away from them. I haven't yet decided which category I belong to, but that's not something I really care about. Most of the times, I am not an escapist. I have learnt it the hard way that it's far far better to directly face your fears as soon as possible. It takes some guts, but it's something that's really important, and one of the most effective methods of conquering the fear forever. There's a small period of lots of hurt and courage and sweating, but in the end, all goes well. That's been my brave-girl's theory for some time now, and mostly, it works.

But I'd not put up a false show of bravery too much here. The idea is that sometimes, some very few times, I find escapism is a good solution to some problems. Of course, advocates of this theory tell me that it is a solution to most, but I don;t really agree. Postponing troublesome situations as long as possible is not what I can always do, and I don't think I'm equipped enough to pass judgements on relative merits of the two things. I just know that mostly, I don't do it.

What brought me to write this post though, is something far less philosophical, though there can be parallels, and perhaps, far less important too. I was thinking about the almost-universal desire of knowing one's future. Almost everyone thinks about it, and this slow simmering desire of "kash koi bata de exactly kya hone wala hai", the kind that propels millions to read the Fortune-of-the-Day page in DT everyday, exists. Despite the fact that most would know how fraud and untrue, how much of a generalisation it is. It's like a small irresistible sin, a guilty pleasure that harms noone(and pays atleast two people per newspaper publication a nice pay cheque every month. Can I get that job please?)

A lot many people are afraid of ambiguity and uncertainty, and this fear manifests itself in various ways. At one level, horoscope-addiction, palmologist-visiting, and to take it to the extreme, going by the "kundli" type beliefs are one of those manifestations. Infact one believes in them or not, but a lot many just do it for the heck of it, almost obsessively, to satisfy some credulous part of themselves.

I don't. I find it stupid, irrational(and watever adjectioves all sensible people of the world give as an excuse), but then naturally enough I do think about the future at times. And then I think perhaps knowing about the future is not such a good idea at all. It's better to take things as they come. But does this amount to escapism at one level as well?

I don't know, but what I know is, too much knowledge can be scary at times, even though it is a lot of power, but then , power can be intimidating too. And knowledge with helplessness is sheer torture. That's why sometimes I wish my mind blanked out a bit, and I didnt understand things at all. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, and good as it may be, at times foresight is ugly.

That, I confess, is one of my horrors.

All Said and Done

OK. I expect all questioning and reasoning and farewells and welcomes are now over. Let's wrap up the rhetoric and get back to business. No more of why I stopped and why I restarted. I owe noone no explanations.

Right, so with this over let me quickly update with whatever has been happening while I divorced this page and patronised another one. Had the break never happened, this page should have been more than 115 post-old by now. Let me withdraw my self-imposed growth-stintment by a quick post now.

It was a 40-day (mourning??) period where I kept off this page, and somehow it was a very happening period in my life. Because a lot happened, a lot that was indeed life-changing in several aspects and at several times. I travelled, I met a lot of people, hitherto known and unknown, I got to "know" several known people, and "un-know" several known people. In fact, the turbulence is not totally over yet, either do I expect it to be anytime soon, and that is why i believe everything that happens in life happens for the good. It's good I refrained from writing HERE when I was that troubled, and now since I'm better off, I know I can write with clear demarcations of the "public" and the "private", in this diary.

Cut the crap, on to something understandable.
Last sem was a funny semester in many ways, for I met more people than I ever had, did various kinds of stuff, wasted a lot of time, and still ended up with a shockingly decent score at the end. All in all, it was highly eventful. and by the looks of it, at least the first half of this sem looks great too. (By great I mean full of hectic activity, as iIave an overdose of both acads and extra-curics in hand....Oh yes, I hope u know I've turned into a workaholic of late!)
The time just after majors was especially lovely, as I was getting treats on practically every meal for almost a week!!:D(Jealous, anyone?)

And then I had a lovely trip to Mumbai. Sadly though, we couldn't go to Goa.:(
For all those interested, yes I saw some decent guys around[:P], esp at Mood-I, but somehow even Delhi is better!!!!!!!!!

My trip overall was exceptional for several things, and I cannot ever forget it, because simply put it changed my life, twice over, and no, I'm not turning into a full time researcher. The core calculation in my project crashed anyway, and it'll take a few more weeks to come!

Back to Delhi, in a new year that had a lot of promise.
And in the last two weeks, it has been the most unusual semesters, with all kinds of things happening to me and me struggling to cope with them all. Infact I can hardly comprehend the mayhem that my life has become. Finally all courses-and-credits trouble has been sorted out, and exams are so distant that acads is the last thing on anybody's mind.
Meanwhile, I have had the pleasure of meeting plenty of interesting people I always wanted to meet, of late, including Vertigo, Shivam Da, Neha dids, Saras ji, INSANE and Inhas(almost!).

I've also have been on meals and (some really wierd)treats with so many interesting people, that I have a bag full of to-be-treasured moments. All said and done, I wonder how to collect them all in my tiny hands!

People, and conversations, and people with whom I can have a good conversation, always have me hooked. It's all about People-o-nomics.

A Broken Hibernation

I have been jolted out of my sleep, my hibernation.

Yes, I said I'm not coming back anytime soon, even though I'd always loved this page and everything that defines the "Phoenix" part of my identity. I was heartbroken when I shut this space down, but I had to choose between self-respect and this blog, and I chose the former.

This is not to mean that I have abandoned my self-respect, but only that I'm only human. And I care for those who care for me, and others as well.

When I left I was inundated with comments, emails, phonecalls, scraps and all sorts of queries. People asked me not to leave; they implored me to stay, and I cruelly refused. Like nice people, they understood. I was touched, and I was hurt. I wrote still, occassionally, but at an anonymous blog. I still can, and probably will, do that, but something has made me write this post.

This is all too impulsive, but I feel I owe it to myself, and others.

I don't know if anyone liked my writing, or this page, but I know that I have forged some very beautiful relationships on this blog. As for the senseless comments, frankly I don't care. And I never really did. That was just a good excuse to explain my disillusionment. Afterall, I can always delete any comment I don't like. I had my reasons, and I prefer to be silent about them.

But some things in life are bigger than any logic.

A few minutes ago someone asked me a favour, a very old promise, and I can't refuse that person. That person is way too important for me, and I have to keep my word. I will.

Don't make a mistake, I'm not doing this against my wishes or just because of that person. Once again, I have my own reasons.

I know I have lost most of my readers. I don't care if nobody reads this page again, though I know some people who still visit this.

I'll write, irregularly though, for I'm very busy, and also because I'm a little afraid of writing public gossip and public controversy here.

For the rest, I have my fingers crossed.

The sleep has been broken. Hopefully, this does not turn out to be a nightmare.

Meanwhile, this is what Anuj wrote for me here. I swear I'm moved!

Thanx a lot, Anuj!

If I be like [phoenix]

I wont be frequently blue

I would give that happy kiddoo look

And start right away writin a book

I know its difficult to survive

When some fu**ers piss around

But thats how the world revolves

With lots of dogs growling loud

So i would have growled louder

To the one who challenged my anonymity

I would have hit him harder

And wouldnt have taken any pity

But i guess thats not what a [phoenix] is

It grows high and wide

It aint darkness, its a bliss

Pulling up the one trying to hide

So u see its hard to be her .

THE FINAL NAIL...

I've been trying to write this for three days now.

Two huge posts have been typed and discarded, because words somehow don't do justice to what I feel like saying.

For the final time.

So I'll be objective now.

I started this blog at a time when I had my first one up and running full throttle, as a 'diarý', where I could write things other than the poetry n prose crap I wrote there. Then, one day, my blogging identity started fighting with my real identity, and I needed to free myself of ancient baggage and words that were trapping me. It became necessary for my survival, and thus on 15th of June, I shut it down. And this one too

At the beginning of this semester, I felt like giving life another chance, and restarted this one.

It worked well, I wrote fairly regularly, and over the last 75 posts this semester, this page got more readers as well. I'm grateful to all of you.

But once again, my blog is questioning my identity, and I dont want it.

I don't want that people read this blog just because it's a girl's blog, or even because it's mý blog, because a LOT of people know who I am, in person, and this very fact takes away from me my freedom to express what I want to, without value judgements and all other kinds of opinions being formed on me. I do not give anyone the right to decide on me and about me for random reasons. This is(was) my page, I wrote it for myself. But if people in ym college start calling me Phoenix instead of who I am, if random ppl who obviously know me make shocking comments anonymously like Comment #22 here or Comment #16 here, I feel the need of drawing a line, at the end of a very eventful semester.

I refuse to be exploited like this; I refuse to be made an object of observation and comment.

WHY DO YOU, IF YOU DO, EVER READ/VISIT THIS PAGE?

Because you like reading it?

I dont think so.

Most of you dont.

Reasons range from no reason to for fun to for curiosity sake, since this is a GIRL's blog, or because maybe I left a comment on yours someday.

Do you think I left that comment so that you came here, or for some other ''sinister'' reason other than the plain fact that I most probably liked reading what you wrote!

But reverred people now tell me that I comment because I have nothing better to do, and just to attract attention. I'm sorry but I wont take so much insult. Yes, I cant stop anybody from having an opinion. I respect their right to have one.

But I also respect my own self-esteem, my right to exist the way I want to, and my right to express wat I feel like.

Go ahead, call me a new-age insensitive woman if you want to.

As if I care!

I crave for equality(now my previous post makes even more sense to me) which was the reason I first started blogging because I had thought at least here I could be what I am, and I could be judged, if at all, based on what I thought and wrote irrespective of who or what I was born as, irrespective of whether I was Asian or African, rich or poor, boy or a girl.

I see that losing, and the "public" nature of this diary being way more painful than what I ever would have liked.

And that's why, I exercise my right to shut down the diary. I have my reasons, the ones I said here, and others, but I anyway dont see a need to justify myself any further to anybody.

Do me a favour, dont ask em questions.

If I need to express myself, I have other options. But no more posts here, and no more comments from me.

If you feel offended by anything I ever said, I'm sorry.

And thanx to all those who ever supported me.

A special thanx to my most dedicated commenter THE ANONYMOUS too.

I think this completes all the formailities.

Now just don't tell me I'm acting extreme, I know I am. But I dont need your opinion.

Infact dont just tell me ANYTHING at all...it's not gonna make a difference to what I want to do.

I know a "Phoenix" cannot die.

But it can certainly hibernate.

Or confine itself somewhere where it is not seen, or heard.

BYE.

Intezaar

Has saans raah takti hai teri, ki hadd hai bekarari ki
Ye ghadi ki suiyaan bhi har ek kadam bad rahi hain sau- sau saal mein!
Dikh raha hai chehra bas ek hi har jagah, ki hadd hai meri khumari ki
Zindagi bhi ruk ruk ke rahi hai sarak, intezaar khatm hone ke intezaar mein!!

ICE ICE BABY...

One of the reasons I've disliked Delhi for is its absence of two of the most beautiful things of Nature-two things I really love...Sea and Snow.

Mumbai scores a lot of points over Delhi in my eyes because of The Arabian Sea. Infact one thing for which I fell in love with the IITB campus when I went there last year was the lakes (the other being the hilltop). Water is such a beautiful, sublime gift of Nature. (I'm now looking forward to my next week's visit to Mumbai and Goa:D)

The other thing is Snow. It's so pretty, so beautiful, so enchanting, so cool that it's actually hot!

But we in Delhi don't even get that!:(

Winters get sufficiently chilly..but it's always like "almost there, but not quite". A near-zero temperature loses half its worth and becomes double as chilly when it doesnt't fall to sub-zero and allows the snow to fall!!

Having said all this, I'm still a huge fan of Meri Dilli(inspite of ALL else that may be good, bad or ugly) because of the ULTIMATE variety of everything-people, food, cultures and especially, weather.

We get the joys of all kinds of seasons over a year, and be it Rajasthan's heat or Shimla's chill, or cherrapunji's monsoon, we have our own miniature versions of everything!

It gives a feeling of completeness in a way. My wardrobe has clothes of all seasons and reasons. So is the kind of food I get to eat in a year, and the various types of routines my days take.

Ah! I'm definitely not complaining!:D

But there is the other side of it naa, which some people dislike(I don't, not much...I love DRAMA in life, I love things to be 'happening' and 'unpredictable' all the time, atleast a lot of the time. I dislike routines and monotony.)

There's absolutely no reliability about the weather patterns. It'll snow in Shimla and Delhi will become cooler.

Winds blow in Pakistan and monsoon gets delayed here.

Jaipur burns and transfers the heat to Delhi!!

Hadd hai...apna bhi kuch hai ki nahi?

Amongst all seasons, obviously Spring is the best- for the pleasant weather and the plethora of beauty. But winter is a close second. It's sooo beautiful, so comfortable, and one could freely do anything once u've worn lotsa clothes!:P

Infact, there's only one thing that can beat "Icecream on a chilly winter night walking on a dark road"...which is "Icecream in a drizzle walking on a deserted road alone!"

It's one of the most peaceful (and romantic) things on Earth!

Right now, it's the delightful winter dawning on Delhi. And it's unusually cool for this time of the year, so that temperature are already hitting 4.5 degrees at night(subtract atleast 2 for IITD campus, another one for MY ROOM!!!). The breeze that's flowing is oh-sooo-chilly, and nights are soo cold that I have to switch off my computer at night because I can't convince myself to bring out my fingers from my blanket and type!! But stiil, that's THE beauty. Winter legitimises ur indolence!!!D

The only thing that makes it uncomfortable, just a little bit, is these sickening exams, which label two of the most delightful things of winter-sleep and laziness- appear like a sin.

Although inspite of all this, I'm still sleepin 10-12 hours these days(majors hain, I'm amazingly weli!!!!!!) and acting sooo lazy that I dont care to get out of my bed to pick up a book 3 feet away, as a result of which I don't study and leave the curse unfinished and end up losing a grade!!

But frankly, I don't care!

Exams to aate jaate rehte hain...I'm just enjoying the icy weather!!!!

Anyway, there's just one more exam to go.

Then I'll be free to enjoy lotsa sleep, lotsa hot-drinks and hot-conversations for atleast one week(and then I'll be off on a vacation...where hopefully there'll be lotsa hot guys:P:P:P!!!)

Homogenous Inequality!

Ah!this is an unequal world...
Not that I didn't know that, but sometimes, even re-realisations HURT.
I'm not assigning any adjectives to this; it's a fact: The world is so unequal...
...though interestingly, everything is balanced so well, that eventually it all sums to ZERO. everything cancels itself out.
But is this particular knowledge solace enough?

All right I know I'm thinking too much.
Majors ka side-effect hai.

I'll get to what caused the latest re-realisation!:P

Everybody knows and complains that IITs, and engg colleges in general, have horrible sex-ratios.
That much, is a fact.
Then comes everybody's interpretations, and perceptions.
And claims-that girls get ALL their jobs/trainings/internships/grades etc etc BECAUSE they are girls. Perhaps they are right as well, I dont know for sure.
And blames.


So many people complain of gender-based partiality.
A few, including me, just worry about it.

(Infact I'm way too apprehensive to actually voice my own views on this touchy topic. I've neither commented, nor discussed much of this with anyone. Being a girl, and thus a supposed beneficiary, I know my views are not gonna be taken kindly. So before I shut up, lemme just say one thing: there are two faces of the coin; I fervently wish, for a thousand reasons, that there were more girls here.)

Anywa, cutting the crap off(this post wasnt meant to be serious), the idea is: that all is not fair, not right, not balanced in the world. The imbalance is uniformly spread in the entire world.
And we HAVE to live with it, with its pros and cons, like it or not!

People are richer and poorer than they ought to be.
Opinions are more biased than they ought to be.
Chance+perception is way more important than it ought to be.
I'm way more careless than anybody before a difficult exam ought to be.

But the catch is, is "ought" really important? (You might remember, I hate the word "should")
Kaam chal raha hai na, ye theek nahi hai kya?

Isn't mine a luxury problem?

Meanwhile, notice this:





Even the authorities realise not all is right in IITs.:))

P.S. I realise I havent mentioned the incident of today at all. But now I feel I don't need it. I don't want controversies in this space.
P.P.S. In case any one of u is wondering about the follow up to the last post, wait a bit. And keep ur fingers crossed!;) Keep watching this space!