Change-VI

Adapting to change is easier said than done. The more difficult part is when change is unanticipated, subtle and steady or unadjusted for. People change with time, and times change themselves. That makes it a lot of variables to handle calculations of and not make an error. And that is when you encounter the fact you always knew anyways, that life is not about calculations, and cannot be lived that way.
I live on a "feeling" and a faith, and it works most of the time. Sometimes, it backfires. Sometimes, the faith is blind. On the whole, still, perhaps, it's a gamble worth taking, but boy o' boy when you wake up and realise how much Ground Zero differs from expectations, that is one rude wake up call.
This summers, or just before it started, I counted a handful of people that really mattered, and that I thought I could rely on. One of them was really close while distant, but seems to have been lost now in preoximity. Unrecognisably lost. Why didn't I think of this change?
Another fought and left for a lot of time, all the time making me cry and grieve and finally when he returned, neither him nor me perhaps are the same for each other any more. We are not the same friends, perhaps can never be. Why didn't I think of this change?
A third, a really important third, is there, yet not there. The times between us have changed so much that something very important somwhere is gradually disappearing, despite our trying for it not to happen. I knew this would happen, I knew we would try, but I didn't think time wouldn't even allow us to try hard enough. And something within would change. Why didn't I think of this change?
A fourth has retreated from being an overwhelming part of my existence to an equally caring yet latent periphery, despite no change in coordinates, except inside maybe. I thought times here were keeping constant, but now I wonder why didn't I think of this change?
One more left, and with that person the change on the whole is only anticipated/nice, but even forseeably it won't last too much. Maybe it would suck even more then, because of current niceties. I shouldn't maybe have let the current niceties happen. Oh God,why didn't I think of this change?

Okay, I guess it's impossible for anyone to think of everything beforehand. Not everything's in my control, though some of this is blatantly foolish on my part. Yes, times have changed. Yes, you and you and you are not here, and wouldn't be, any more.

Change happens, kiddo. Just deal with it.

Smile. Come what may.

I watched you going
till you blurred in the horizon
Right where you left me
I simply stood on
Savouring the last sight
and thinking that you might
once, maybe once
turn backward to see
A separated us, a waiting me.
You didn't care, I hoped till hope
and now you are visible no more
I wonder whether to stay
for if you return
when you return
I want to be right here
so you can find me
but then I wonder
will you ever return?
Or should I move on?
Whatever that means.

There's too much noise!

Shhhhhhhhhh....

In youth one lives as if one is always drunk...

-Aristotle

...and in old age in a constant hangover.

-Phoenix

Different Strokes

Oh yes, I've been missing too long on this blog and elsewhere in this world, and I guess there is no one satisfactory reason for it. I just have been missing. I just haven't known what to write. I just haven't written even when I could and I wanted to. A weird kind of a withdrawal perhaps, for I just didn't feel like even reading or replying to comments on the previous post. I doesn't mean that I've been sad or disturbed of course. Not for the most part. In all senses, it's been perfectly normal with a blend of a thousand different things, just like life.

The last post I had written in the middle of Rendezvous. It was good, it was weird, it was elated, it was disturbing, it was refreshing, it as depressing and it was just the same again. In simpler words, it felt largely weird because for the first time I wasn't doing anything as such and was only watching and participating(won a couple of events too :) ). Had no company, or fixed company for the most part, and the feeling of loneliness in huge OAT crowds scares me so much I didn't even go there save once. Did end up judging Mr and Miss Rendezvous, so that was fun :P
After that it has been back to the usual grind, more or less. Acads are messing me up now, for I've loads to cover up in each course and just can't get in the zone while submissions continue to pile up. Also, get tired too easily these days, something is terribly wrong with the body; the energy is largely missing.

Extra curriculars can be fun and irritation equally too. Inter hostel events in IIT are getting worse by the day, and not in small measure due to over zealous competitiveness by some hostels that sucks the fun out of everything. Just why doesn't the atmosphere in IITD let us relax? Reducing the number of events to reduce load seems to have partly backfired in the sense people have decided to compensate with much-increased intensities, and thus nothing is trivial any more. At times, it doesn't even feel human.

People around me are also messing me up these days, which is to say all sorts of things are happening all the time which adds up to loads of confusion and stress. Someone I barely know is in love with me, someone who knows me too well to know I'm not interested is also in love with me, some people have tonnes of issues with me which they dont want to confront with yet cannt hide, others keep fighting on one pretext or the other, some people want loads of answers from me, some people just silently leave me with questions to fight with, some people I care for are hell bent on complicating their own lives in the stupidest manner possible and that gives me headaches no less, while cruel bosses and demanding subordinates suck the patience out of me. Someone else complains I've too little time to spare, while someone I'd love to spend some peaceful time with doesn't have any. And then there are those who think it's best to leave me alone with my life(?) when they know fully well I can't survive without them.

The number of variables in life has increased so much who can blame me if I get fickle. Or if I feel really lonely and unheard in the midst of a crowd. Or if I don't blog because my emotions change across the spectrum too often for me to write anything.

I know you all think of me as psychotic, definitely now if not already. I also think I probably aim. Difficult and psychotic. But the one thing life surely is, is interesting.

I hope and pray people around me get back to normal, that I can do my work right, and that someone, at least someone really trusts me. IS that too much to ask?

***************************

On a lighter note, watched Loins of Punjab recently. Awesome movie. Mast watch, must watch :)

Talking aloud

There are some things I would probably never understand. Like what is the point of life? The point of my life, especially, provided there exists a thing such as "my life". Sometimes it feels like another of those assumed abstract concepts invented by man to feel better about himself, or to feel as if he's getting somewhere. But say there is not just a life but a "my life" too, what in Merlin's name is that supposed to mean?

All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.

Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.

And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?

How long would you guys stay?

Woh ladki

Woh jo mujh mein se hi nikal kar mujh mein hi sama jati hai
woh ladki bahut yaad aati hai
woh jhapkaati hai palak, fir apni hi adaa par sharmaati hai
woh pagli bahut tadpati hai
woh shaksiyat khurafati, har subah ankhon mein utar aati hai
raat hote hi dobara gayab ho jati hai
tanhai ke andheron mein, andhere ki tanhaiyon mein
woh jo apni khamoshi se shor machati hai
woh ladki bahut yaad aati hai

woh jo man mein aaye woh karti hai bina soche
woh jo chahe thukrati hai
uski isi himmat se darti hai duniya sari
woh fir bhi bahut ghabrati hai
woh ansh hai mera, woh meri pechchan hai
fir bhi mujhse nazar churati hai
woh rooh hai meri, par mujhse hi naaraz hai
woh ladki bahut yaad ati hai

Acquisitions and takeovers

I used to believe for a pretty long time in my life that at the moment when you're making a big mistake, during the moment itself, all you've got to do is stay alert and you'd know and feel it's wrong. Now, either my alertness and reception systems have all gone bonkers, or maybe the theory isnt really right at all. When you're making THE fucking mistake that you dare not, even the outbreak alert system sleeps off.
Just how stupid can somebody be??

Few days back I was about to write a post that said, Life is Good (BestFriend is back et al :D). But I stayed lazy, Life turned cleverer, read my mind, anticipated my mood and made its move before me to beat me totally.
Beaten flat by competitor. Taken over. Thrown.

Mobile (m)adness

Seriously, how "intelligent" is advertising on mobile phones by service providers? Not talking of "professional"services like mGinger Admad etc, brilliant ideas gone bust, but of the regular dose of phone beeps Hutch, Airtel, Idea, Reliance et al gift us. Some of it actually is good stuff, like more messages about schemes and recharges when my balance/validity is low and stuff, but most of the time, I get stuff like "Click ####### for beautiful pics of Pamela Anderson"or "sexy beach wallpapers"or some funny crap like that. Of course I never click those links, but frankly, I've never got one about hot hunky guys, or any of the male actors. And since the connection is in my name, some marketing guru should have ad the sense to tap female usage by at least remotely targetted messages (unless of course, they've assumed I'm lesbian). Assuming this way of making money is profitable on the whole, they're missing a lot of profit by skipping the women subscribers then, which should be substantial too.

Meanwhile, mobile menace in the age of mobility boom continues.

Cheers to that.

Kidding is serious business!!

Have you seen the Dhara advertisement where the li'l kid says, "koi mujhse pyar nahi karta main ghar chhodke ja raha hoon." and is then lured by jalebis back home. I am so in that mode, except I can't say that line to anyone/go anywhere/nobody's gonna lure me back. All because they think that at 20, I'm not a kid.
Question 1, who the hell is they? Question 2, how the hell did they decide? And question 3, why can't I be a kid any more?

So you and you and they and all of they's friends can please go to hell, because the kiddo mode I'm living in for the last 2 hours is bound to stay some more. I LIKE being a kid. I LOVE being silly. What's anybody's problem in that?
Why can't you people see me happy? See I'm happy, [shows you a thumb], do what you want to do. (And I'm happy and I'm ranting, which proves you can rant when you are not sad. QED. Yey!)

The point is, the bade log of these world are all jerks. They just lovvvvvve complicating simple things and then complainign how tough life is. They can't answer a single question kids ask properly and completely (no aukat only!!) and still say they are the ones who know more stuff. Kids are good, they fight, but in that love now, slap after five minutes and kick throw bang boom cry complain smile again at ten. Adults fight stretchign stuff so long that nobody can possibly remember what the dispute was, and all they keep to themselves is big biggg words like discomfort and selfishness and adjustment and small biggg words like ego and sin. Huh!

Everything is actually so confusing...a few days back I was telling a friend.." So, your gf did this thing wrong, and though it hurt you then you can easily understand it was a small unintentional mistake and you already claim you'd forgive her if she comes to you and apologises. Right? So, tell me, why this if. If you can forgive her then, why wait or her to come and SAY sorry before forgiving her in your heart. Why stay bitter? Why prick a hole in both your hearts? Don't you even love her this much that you can forgive her without her actually physically asking for it?" And he was looking at me as if I just taught him rocket science!!! Double huh!!

Mujhe nahi rehna is bekar duniya mein aise....
People just invent reasons to be sad. You're "supposed" to grow up and act sane. Why the hell? You know what, if you wanna act all adult, then please go ahead and act adult by pampering me and jhelofying my excitements and tears and moods etc etc in that truly adult sort of way and derive the adultish post-pampering satisfaction out of it.
I'm cool with that. Instead, what you'd do is lecture me how I'm supposed to become as 'sensible' and 'sophisticated' and 'mature' as you!!!! Triple huh!!!

Just let me be ok. Kids are cuto ( kiddos are cuto-er). And everybody else is really really gandu.

And remember, it's ok if you don't understand me/like me/love me/like to pamper me/can't jhelofy me, it's OK. just lemme be. Lemme be silly because I like it. Just dont take stuff to heart. Just dont make me guilty.
Just dont make me cry. ForI've noone to lovingly wipe the tears.
Hope *you* got the point, honey!

Cheers to stupidity!! :D

:) :) :)