Sacrifice.

Such are the times we live in, that the measure of love is the sacrifice you can make for it.

Sad.

Things I learnt today-III

• Pain always comes from the same sources as pleasure. No wonder, the constant running that we seem to be doing, away-from-sorrow-towards-happiness, mostly in hindsight we realize is essentially a going-nowhere-jog. No wonder too, that people who seem to be greedy for pain apparently do well with the quota of happiness they manage to grab for themselves too.

• An idea can change your life. So can the lack of an idea.

• Girls ask questions. All the time. And almost the sole objective is to hear the answer they want to hear. So basically, they just want to thrash you. :|
  

• Nobody wants to be needed too little, or too much. Barely anyone even knows how much. Yet sometimes, in the middle of a dark silent life when you sleep evades you a little longer, you can't help missing someone and their (too much or too little) need for you; you can't help needing someone.
  

• Quoted: "Computer/internet are like girlfriends..." You don't know how much you depend on them and want them if you have them around easily all the time. In other words, you only realize the worth and feel the urge when everyone has it and you've never had one, or the one you had is suddenly not a part of your life anymore.

I couldn't argue with the person who apparently said that line first (as I was told) why the same can't be applied to boyfriends.

The Poetic Rejection

Where Me meets You
It's just a Mew, meek,
not a roar.

When Fate comes to Us
It's just a Fuss, futile,
it doesn't fuse.

When We go to Life
I don't become your wife
only, barely alive.

No together, no forever
There's no U, Me aur Hum
Only: you me and mayhem

The idea so ain't cool, dude
Just plain old school, dude
For you to get joy
Needs you to forget moi
We so don't work, hon
Except like dullards, no fun!

Dil, dosti etc

Bole to, everyone talks about love-shove everywhere, and talks and thinks and rants and sings and cries and tries soooo much...and so it's these in every movie, every other teenage dream, every other old-age memory, every home, every other hostel room, every office, every other song.(fir bhi world mein love ki kami hai...boy, the world really has a capacity!) But it's such a liberally misused word, that nobody knows what it really means anymore, what it stands for etc. There exist self-styled rules, abundant funde and all-pervasive confusion. Yet, the warmth, the lure, the bliss lives on. And thankfully so.

And then there's friendship. One of the better things about this world, so pure that friendship even in a bad cause is above everything else. And even if Mani says friends are for free, they're really hard to find, and hurts awfully to lose them.

I have had my share of toote dil and bichhde dost, and now I think while both dil and dosti are awesome, they're like explosive chemicals that come with a "Handle with care" tag. Small mistakes ruin big things. Even more potent and explosive is the combo, dosti ke sath dil free free free types. The margin for error is really low out there and there's just too much heartburn if it doesn't magically fall in right.

Bhashan apart, the point that I wanted to make in the story in the last post was just that love and logic is a bad bad combo. And that would include friendship wala love. Too much mind in matters of heart serves to complicate, and often lose and kill love, like it happened in that story. The book Narcissus and Goldmund has this line, "All was mind to him, even love; he was unable to give in to an attraction without thinking about it first."
The person who taught me this line taught me the philosophy of letting go the shoulds and bounds, and ever since this one truth is crystal clear...there are some things in life what feels right, is right. (Actually, most things would be like that for me, but bottomline is that there are things where mind does not and should not work). Sure, you make mistakes sometime. Sure, there is some pain, and sure as hell, love makes a fool out of everyone.
But it's worth it.

Thinking of someone first thought in the morning and feeling bright, thinking of someone last wink in the night and feeling secure...it's worth it.
And the other fact is this, love does not come with preconditions. So what if you love her and she doesn't? So what if your relationship with him didn't work out? So what if that person you still desire every second left you eons ago for something/someone else they were happier with? If that diminishes your love, it never was love.

To all my friends, thanks for your friendship. For everything you gave me. Even though you may have long left my behind in the mazes of your life and memory, you'd always be dear.
Once a friend, always a friend.

And to end with a cliche this very mushy post (yuck!)...why mourn that it is over, let's celebrate it happened. For all the love that ever came my way, yeyyy!


P.S. Oh and while on love shove etc, somebody tell me how can someone be as cute as this guy? I mean I would have adored him alright for playing so well, in fact have liked him ever since he's been playing for Australia, and would have still marveled in admiration at his IPL show no matter who he was, but I swear he's so cute and the way he talks is so endearing! :P
Just look at those eyes, I mean, he has to be the first cricketer I ever like apart from the game...Love you Shane!

P.P.S. Disclaimer: I don't eye taken men, so no, I'm not running from home to go and marry him.

P.P.P.S. Please pray for this friend of mine so she gets married to her guy. She's promised me a treat in Taj for that! :P :D Howzzat for dil se dosti ;)

P.P.P.P.S. And if blogosphere is where your heart beats hard, or you just wanna make a dedication to someone special, this post is definitely definitely worth a look!

Appeal

You know how it's like that the rare time (that comes in years) when you finally decide to take out everything in your cupboard to clean, weed and neatly rearrange stuff, is a good time to do the re-painting and repair that you'd been planning to do sometime anyway, or when you finally decide to get your machine fixed for a nagging defect happens to be a good moment to list out other little issues and nags that could be sorted alongside, than say picking it up 2 months later.

To everyone concerned who can and would like to affect a drastic change in my life, would like to share a life-changing truth or a shaking revelation, would like to offer suggestions on how I "should" live my life, or is just planning a dramatic/wordless entry or exit, "now" would be a good time. I'm ready. Write/call/talk.

Thanks!

Mind over matter

For some time now, I've been afraid to look into his eyes, to have a free conversation, to be able to confess what I love and hate about him, about myself, about this world. Really, afraid is the word, for I'm trying to hide somewhere from the questioning eyes of a friend so close, who wonders what went wrong. Or perhaps not. Perhaps he's guessed too. But it's such a stalemate this situation. And so I find myself making non-committal plans for meeting up sometime, and grudgingly indulging in short lame conversations. And making the run, of course!

This ain't typically me, but it's the witless me. He's puzzled me so much by wide variations in his behavior I can't fathom what he really thinks anymore, and despite my curiosity to know, I'm scared, so scared, that if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can never exactly pin-point what's going on in her twisted mind, but these days she's absolutely out of my radar. Or maybe, out of my life too, considering the way she acts most of the times as if she hates me, or is extremely bored/irritated of me. I should know better, for not long ago I thought I understood her well, and we were so close, so close that all I wanted was to somehow keep her mine forever...yes, I guess, that was it...that mad intensity with which I wanted to be with her, around her all the time. I don't know what it was, but it was both obsessive and addictive, and I really had to fight to gain some self-control and to not fall in love with her.

Love...was it that? Is it that? I doubt it...what is love anyway? I've always hated the notion of love but this time I don't know...but it seems quite the opposite with her behavior of late. She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me? And yet, I want her back just as her. Pure, bright her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her. You know, I think it was love after all, and all that while I didn't understand it. I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have. To think of it, she never was mine anyway. It'd be best to forget her, but this love makes it impossible to do even that, just that it makes it awfully tough and painful to continue talking to her. Especially when she clearly does not care, or understand me any more. Why do people fall in love?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I so can't live without him. Or with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love. He is an intense person, so much that if I showed him any tenderness his anger would completely annihilate me, as also his peace for a lot of time. And then, love's never done me any good. He is a great friend, why ruin it? Or at least, why ruin it this way?! It's wise to run, I think. Logical. Damn, why do people fall in love?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're weird sometimes."
"As if you aren't. But you act as per your convenience and nothing else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
"Aren't you?"
"...."
"Well, all you care about is your needs, and everything else is incidental."
"So are you my need that I care for you?"
"Do you, really?"
"No"
"See. That's just what you are, whimsical."
"You're weird, and self-obsessed."
"There could be other things I'm obsessed about...but anyway you wouldn't understand."
"Of course, I never understand anything do I?"
"Almost."
"Thanks"
"Thank you missy! For everything..."
"Whatever. Bye"
"Goodbye"


Dramatic effects often have distant, even subtle causes.

Tonight.

Think of me tonight
As you would, of a long sensual kiss
Of a bear hug so tender
Of a moment of eternal bliss
that's condensed in a droplet in your palm
waiting to wet your soul.
Think of me tonight
As the feeling that makes you whole.
And remember me forever
in the secret drawer of your heart,
as your incomplete poetry,
as your unfinished art.
All yours to cherish and forget,
all yours to preserve and protect.
Think of me tonight
and let the thought be perfect...

IPL :: Bad move??

IPL is great entertainment, an addictive timepass despite its long duration and vociferous publicity and support by BCCI, Bollywood, India Inc et al have translated in a success dazzling enough that nobody probably remembers the older poorer cousin, ICL, now. Yet, with its gripping power over the masses, it looks like its doing some serious damage with its regional philosophies.

I'm sure some marketing strategist would've advocated it, and maybe it pumps up the moolah by some skewed complicated equation too, but IMHO it's a bad move in the greater scheme of things to have regionally identified teams...we might as well have had SuperKings playing Royal Challengers, but instead it's a Chennai vs Bangalore clash, and unfortunately not just on the field but also in the stadium and on the streets. And hence a crucial Delhi DareDevils vs Mumbai Indians clash brings Dilliwallahs at odds with Mumbaikars, and the regional pride and self-esteem of parts of our country dips and rises with the IPL point tally. It couldn't have been incidental either, since the first promos of IPL itself focussed on bitter rivalry between supporters of different teams, identifiably natives of those regions.

There is definitely a section of people, me included, who care for the team, the players and cricket only to decide their loyalties (damn Mumbai the chokers, they're a better team than people to throw away 3 on 3 matches in the last over) but then, I love test matches as much as T20, perhaps more, and the glamour and glitz was never targetted at me in the first place(for the record the Lahore XI in ICL is an awesome team). It does make a difference, however, for the masses who burn effigies at world cup losses, celebrate Diwali at Dada centuries and pray for Sachin's back to heal faster. They count, I don't, and it is them who're being manipulated in a dirty way. What surprise then that the Mumbai crowd chooses to boo the Mohali players defeating "their" team, even if it means cursing their favorite Yuvraj Singh.

Encashing on feverish patriotism was a bad enough exercise when India played an ODI with Pakistan and gunshells boomed on the LOC depending on who won, but taking the rifts deeper inside home seems like a very bad move at a broader level for a country already struggling to hold up despite differences (and mindless Gujjar agitations).

Window-shopping

Definitely one of the most under-realized truths of our times is the all-powerful influence and importance of the high-profile brands on our lives, so much that we actually pay them to use us to advertise themselves...

My space v/s Our space?

Arnav's post this morning reminded me of my very own intimacy v/s privacy debate, shreds of which penetrate every relationship I have, and more so in recent times, and the crux of which invaded my relationship with my parents probably before I learnt to define these words. I love my parents, without doubt, and they've loved me so unconditionally I don't even want to think about it lest it gives me guilt pangs. But my relationship with them has always been confined to strict limits and lines which I drew and kept since and for forever, I think.

As a child I was one of those who have the bane of growing too soon for their age thrust upon their shoulders by destiny, and though most people wouldn't believe it, I was more of less really quiet. Talkative in friends, but quiet. Both my parents work, and I lived in a creche since I was about four months old, and till the time I was old enough to take care of myself and my younger brother in the absence of my parents. During those 11-12 years, though I don't remember the first few of those at all except my dad teaching me alphabet and poetry and me ruining the whole house's walls with a pen in hand and some such shredded memories, I became comfortable in a life in a shell around myself sufficiently enough that I never needed to step out of it.

Now, for the last five years I've been living outside home, and my fortnightly visits are essentially about a lot of sleep, food, TV and a little banter and during the week I almost never call up home, and my mom calls every 4-5 days. I argue almost endlessly with my mom at times, sometimes bordering on rudeness but mostly playfully. I'm not interested in any of the stuff going on at home so half the time I'm not even listening, and I'm absolutely not interested in divulging more than a minimum amount of what I do here even if they ask. And as a result of this, my parents know very little of the person I've become in all these years. They know I'm opinionated and rebellious but my mom was shocked a few days back when there was a hint of sensitivity (which is all her domain in my home) in something I did. They don't know most of my friends, they don't think I do anything other than studying and a little bit of extra work here and never step out of hostel after 9pm, they don't know I write much except a couple of articles or poems they might have seen sometimes, and they don't know what goes in my head at any given point of time. Now you can call it tragic, but that's just the way I've liked it to be, all these years.

Except today, reading Arnav's post made me realize I've never gone to them with a problem, at least never ever with a personal/emotional problem, and I never try calling home if I'm lonely, or down. The one time I screwed up a course horribly and psyched out completely over it, I eventually cried out to them and they were immediate comfort. I don't even tell them if I'm ill because they worry, not even when I want someone to worry. I've become so used to the independence that I can't really live at home for too long, though it's become better in the last one year. In fact there was a time I used to be outright stifled, because at my home I can't wake up late, can't talk on phone, can't go anywhere (not that I've any friends there) and can't even just keep to myself and my novel for too long. My brother, I can still talk to him sometimes, and I often regret not being around for him, but that's primarily because I'm protective of him.
Otherwise, I'm just so sadly, fiercely independent I feel sorry.

And contrast it with the other relationships I have. 2.5 years ago I actually opened up to people to let them come close enough, and trusted them enough so they mattered a lot in my life, and since then more or less I've looked at them for support when I needed it, approached them with problems and found the few I could relax enough with to just be myself to them. That period's almost past now, but in them, during those years and with those people, I craved for intimacy, and doted love a bit too much so it became intrusion in their privacy.

I juggled around this thin line between the urge of being there for them all the time and still allowing them the space they so fiercely protected so much that I probably pissed them off too many times. I just don't have the absolute answer of maintaining this balance, so I kept getting pained in their pain which I wasn't allowed to share, and in my pain which I so strongly wanted comfort for, till I just gave up.

And hence the eternal debate found a new question as well. When we, the funny, erratic, baffling humans can't really ever get to understand and adjust to ourselves and our own uncertainties and eccentricities, how could we ever live with and adjust to somebody else's uncertainties and eccentricities, at any measure of close-distance?

Reminds me of the Calvin quote: Why did evolution give us something like a sense of humour? Because if we couldn't laugh at things that didn't make sense, we wouldn't be able to react to most part of life.