THE FINAL NAIL...

I've been trying to write this for three days now.

Two huge posts have been typed and discarded, because words somehow don't do justice to what I feel like saying.

For the final time.

So I'll be objective now.

I started this blog at a time when I had my first one up and running full throttle, as a 'diarý', where I could write things other than the poetry n prose crap I wrote there. Then, one day, my blogging identity started fighting with my real identity, and I needed to free myself of ancient baggage and words that were trapping me. It became necessary for my survival, and thus on 15th of June, I shut it down. And this one too

At the beginning of this semester, I felt like giving life another chance, and restarted this one.

It worked well, I wrote fairly regularly, and over the last 75 posts this semester, this page got more readers as well. I'm grateful to all of you.

But once again, my blog is questioning my identity, and I dont want it.

I don't want that people read this blog just because it's a girl's blog, or even because it's mý blog, because a LOT of people know who I am, in person, and this very fact takes away from me my freedom to express what I want to, without value judgements and all other kinds of opinions being formed on me. I do not give anyone the right to decide on me and about me for random reasons. This is(was) my page, I wrote it for myself. But if people in ym college start calling me Phoenix instead of who I am, if random ppl who obviously know me make shocking comments anonymously like Comment #22 here or Comment #16 here, I feel the need of drawing a line, at the end of a very eventful semester.

I refuse to be exploited like this; I refuse to be made an object of observation and comment.

WHY DO YOU, IF YOU DO, EVER READ/VISIT THIS PAGE?

Because you like reading it?

I dont think so.

Most of you dont.

Reasons range from no reason to for fun to for curiosity sake, since this is a GIRL's blog, or because maybe I left a comment on yours someday.

Do you think I left that comment so that you came here, or for some other ''sinister'' reason other than the plain fact that I most probably liked reading what you wrote!

But reverred people now tell me that I comment because I have nothing better to do, and just to attract attention. I'm sorry but I wont take so much insult. Yes, I cant stop anybody from having an opinion. I respect their right to have one.

But I also respect my own self-esteem, my right to exist the way I want to, and my right to express wat I feel like.

Go ahead, call me a new-age insensitive woman if you want to.

As if I care!

I crave for equality(now my previous post makes even more sense to me) which was the reason I first started blogging because I had thought at least here I could be what I am, and I could be judged, if at all, based on what I thought and wrote irrespective of who or what I was born as, irrespective of whether I was Asian or African, rich or poor, boy or a girl.

I see that losing, and the "public" nature of this diary being way more painful than what I ever would have liked.

And that's why, I exercise my right to shut down the diary. I have my reasons, the ones I said here, and others, but I anyway dont see a need to justify myself any further to anybody.

Do me a favour, dont ask em questions.

If I need to express myself, I have other options. But no more posts here, and no more comments from me.

If you feel offended by anything I ever said, I'm sorry.

And thanx to all those who ever supported me.

A special thanx to my most dedicated commenter THE ANONYMOUS too.

I think this completes all the formailities.

Now just don't tell me I'm acting extreme, I know I am. But I dont need your opinion.

Infact dont just tell me ANYTHING at all...it's not gonna make a difference to what I want to do.

I know a "Phoenix" cannot die.

But it can certainly hibernate.

Or confine itself somewhere where it is not seen, or heard.

BYE.

Intezaar

Has saans raah takti hai teri, ki hadd hai bekarari ki
Ye ghadi ki suiyaan bhi har ek kadam bad rahi hain sau- sau saal mein!
Dikh raha hai chehra bas ek hi har jagah, ki hadd hai meri khumari ki
Zindagi bhi ruk ruk ke rahi hai sarak, intezaar khatm hone ke intezaar mein!!

ICE ICE BABY...

One of the reasons I've disliked Delhi for is its absence of two of the most beautiful things of Nature-two things I really love...Sea and Snow.

Mumbai scores a lot of points over Delhi in my eyes because of The Arabian Sea. Infact one thing for which I fell in love with the IITB campus when I went there last year was the lakes (the other being the hilltop). Water is such a beautiful, sublime gift of Nature. (I'm now looking forward to my next week's visit to Mumbai and Goa:D)

The other thing is Snow. It's so pretty, so beautiful, so enchanting, so cool that it's actually hot!

But we in Delhi don't even get that!:(

Winters get sufficiently chilly..but it's always like "almost there, but not quite". A near-zero temperature loses half its worth and becomes double as chilly when it doesnt't fall to sub-zero and allows the snow to fall!!

Having said all this, I'm still a huge fan of Meri Dilli(inspite of ALL else that may be good, bad or ugly) because of the ULTIMATE variety of everything-people, food, cultures and especially, weather.

We get the joys of all kinds of seasons over a year, and be it Rajasthan's heat or Shimla's chill, or cherrapunji's monsoon, we have our own miniature versions of everything!

It gives a feeling of completeness in a way. My wardrobe has clothes of all seasons and reasons. So is the kind of food I get to eat in a year, and the various types of routines my days take.

Ah! I'm definitely not complaining!:D

But there is the other side of it naa, which some people dislike(I don't, not much...I love DRAMA in life, I love things to be 'happening' and 'unpredictable' all the time, atleast a lot of the time. I dislike routines and monotony.)

There's absolutely no reliability about the weather patterns. It'll snow in Shimla and Delhi will become cooler.

Winds blow in Pakistan and monsoon gets delayed here.

Jaipur burns and transfers the heat to Delhi!!

Hadd hai...apna bhi kuch hai ki nahi?

Amongst all seasons, obviously Spring is the best- for the pleasant weather and the plethora of beauty. But winter is a close second. It's sooo beautiful, so comfortable, and one could freely do anything once u've worn lotsa clothes!:P

Infact, there's only one thing that can beat "Icecream on a chilly winter night walking on a dark road"...which is "Icecream in a drizzle walking on a deserted road alone!"

It's one of the most peaceful (and romantic) things on Earth!

Right now, it's the delightful winter dawning on Delhi. And it's unusually cool for this time of the year, so that temperature are already hitting 4.5 degrees at night(subtract atleast 2 for IITD campus, another one for MY ROOM!!!). The breeze that's flowing is oh-sooo-chilly, and nights are soo cold that I have to switch off my computer at night because I can't convince myself to bring out my fingers from my blanket and type!! But stiil, that's THE beauty. Winter legitimises ur indolence!!!D

The only thing that makes it uncomfortable, just a little bit, is these sickening exams, which label two of the most delightful things of winter-sleep and laziness- appear like a sin.

Although inspite of all this, I'm still sleepin 10-12 hours these days(majors hain, I'm amazingly weli!!!!!!) and acting sooo lazy that I dont care to get out of my bed to pick up a book 3 feet away, as a result of which I don't study and leave the curse unfinished and end up losing a grade!!

But frankly, I don't care!

Exams to aate jaate rehte hain...I'm just enjoying the icy weather!!!!

Anyway, there's just one more exam to go.

Then I'll be free to enjoy lotsa sleep, lotsa hot-drinks and hot-conversations for atleast one week(and then I'll be off on a vacation...where hopefully there'll be lotsa hot guys:P:P:P!!!)

Homogenous Inequality!

Ah!this is an unequal world...
Not that I didn't know that, but sometimes, even re-realisations HURT.
I'm not assigning any adjectives to this; it's a fact: The world is so unequal...
...though interestingly, everything is balanced so well, that eventually it all sums to ZERO. everything cancels itself out.
But is this particular knowledge solace enough?

All right I know I'm thinking too much.
Majors ka side-effect hai.

I'll get to what caused the latest re-realisation!:P

Everybody knows and complains that IITs, and engg colleges in general, have horrible sex-ratios.
That much, is a fact.
Then comes everybody's interpretations, and perceptions.
And claims-that girls get ALL their jobs/trainings/internships/grades etc etc BECAUSE they are girls. Perhaps they are right as well, I dont know for sure.
And blames.


So many people complain of gender-based partiality.
A few, including me, just worry about it.

(Infact I'm way too apprehensive to actually voice my own views on this touchy topic. I've neither commented, nor discussed much of this with anyone. Being a girl, and thus a supposed beneficiary, I know my views are not gonna be taken kindly. So before I shut up, lemme just say one thing: there are two faces of the coin; I fervently wish, for a thousand reasons, that there were more girls here.)

Anywa, cutting the crap off(this post wasnt meant to be serious), the idea is: that all is not fair, not right, not balanced in the world. The imbalance is uniformly spread in the entire world.
And we HAVE to live with it, with its pros and cons, like it or not!

People are richer and poorer than they ought to be.
Opinions are more biased than they ought to be.
Chance+perception is way more important than it ought to be.
I'm way more careless than anybody before a difficult exam ought to be.

But the catch is, is "ought" really important? (You might remember, I hate the word "should")
Kaam chal raha hai na, ye theek nahi hai kya?

Isn't mine a luxury problem?

Meanwhile, notice this:





Even the authorities realise not all is right in IITs.:))

P.S. I realise I havent mentioned the incident of today at all. But now I feel I don't need it. I don't want controversies in this space.
P.P.S. In case any one of u is wondering about the follow up to the last post, wait a bit. And keep ur fingers crossed!;) Keep watching this space!

Ek Chhoti Si Love Story

I guess everyone has their own love story, or atleast a story about love, even if it's one about a-love-that-never-was, or why-there's-no-love-in-my-life!!!:P

But the story is always there...

Arey nahi, I'm not gonna narrate my own tale of tragedy or happiness here...I hardly have time to speak that much..:P
Just kiddin...

I was actually thinking a bit(what's new? :P) and just looking around myself I found more love stories per person than the number of people around;)

Teenache, did u say? Perhaps....
Despo-panti too. Accepted.
Attempts. From subtle to silent to outrageously desperate
Heartbreaks too, as well as loads of confusion.
Everyone has a muse, an inspiration, a dream, a desire, a him or a her. Visible or invisible.

And then there are the luckier ones...who have found their partners, atleast think they have.
The beautiful couples.

But this post is about this unique twosome, both of whom are my friends, and both share a lovely love story, though they are unaware about it themselves. And I can't decide what to do.:P
Because both Ms. A and Mr. B are pretty good friends of mine, and treat me as a confidante. So I know that both of them have very strong feelings for each other, developed absolutely seperately, and without ANY knowledge about the other's feelings.
No, absolutely no clue. DESPITE me being a crucial common link.
(See I'm good at this. I never leak things. You can always trust me with your deepest secrets. Seriously!!:D)

It all developed independently, and the simultaneity of it as well as matching intensities are only two aspects that make this story different! Even I got to know seperately, and almost by chance. Considering that in B's case, I'm the ONLY one who knows.
Now I'm stuck in a unique difficulty, because I am bound by promise I'd nvr utter a word, especially especially to the crucial other half of the couple, to BOTH of them. And I can''t break that. Besides, any suggestions to "Why don't you tell him/her?" are always rejected, and I get a scolding.:(
They're both too scared.
Even an occassional indirect hint as to "He/she likes you too" is not treated seriously at all, is included in my "consoling" and is actually dismissed.
What makes the problem worse are two factors:

• They are both EQUALLY good friends of mine. So cant take sides with one.
• They both love each other soooooo intensely(I know this) that it pains me to just watch everything silently and leave it on time/destiny. It even sounds stupid. But because nobody else even knows, it makes it difficult for me.
  

I had never realised being introvertish could be so problematic at times.
I'm in a dilemma. What should I do?

Moral Of the story

I learnt two things today:

• One doesn't HAVE to be politically correct to succeed. But failure is guaranteed if you're perceived to be too politically incorrect. Perception is belief!
• We all derive security from the insecurities of others, especially shared insecurities.
  

Ah! Human nature is so not-infallible, yet so difficult to completely fathom...
The art of listening is crucial to deciphering human nature, yet so incomplete. Is thinking such a bad thing then?

Ah! Should I even care?
And again, I HATE the word 'should'.

I realise you can find friends and allies in the unlikeliest of places, especially when life disillusions you from the established pillars of strength.
I also know that friends leave me as soon as they get to know me well enough.
Should I keep wandering from pillar to pillar, then, or is there an end?


There's just one truth in life: It never ends, until it does.


I know this post sounds arbit, but cmon, it;s 3:30 in the morning, and I've an exam tomorrow. I'm not expected to be sane, am I?

INSPITE OF...

...the foolishness...............do fall in love!
...the inevitability of defeat...do fight!
...the exams.....................don't be tense!
...the odds......................do play the game!
...the invincibility of death....do live!
...this..........................do remember THE ZEROTH COMMANDMENT!!

Smile. Come what may.


Somebody teach me how to smile, again...........

I'm an addict.

Agar Internet na hota to kya hota?


It's the 15th official anniversary of Internet...(the work on the project for the first website http://info.cern.ch/ launched on Aug 6,1991 began on November 13.) 15 years since arguably one of the biggest technological revolutions to touch our lives..

Maybe only phones ( esp mobile phones) have had a stronger impact...
We blog, chat, surf, mail, read, write, watch sports, listen to music, get news, trade, do almost everything on the net.
Especially people like me and u.

No, I'm not going to give a lecture or write an essay on the pros and cons of internet.
Sabko pata hai yaar....
The impact is undeniably very very strong..not all of it is god, but it's not much bad either.
Technology, and information, empowers.
It's comfortable living WITH it.
But are we net addicts?
Can we live without it?
Do we feel handicapped without it?

For a lot of people, I suspect the answer is yes...Just look around and know the difference net has made to us.
I have sooooooooooooo many friends only BECAUSE of the net. Be it orkut, blog, chat or simply the fact that I've been able to maintain and strengthen friendships only because of this powerful means of communication.
(I'm using the word friendship here in a very loose sense...koi kisi ka dost nahi hota. Never ever trust anyone.
If u want, dont even trust me when I say this.
But one day, u'll know too.)
Of course, it's another thing that I want to get on a people de-adddiction programme now.
I dont want anyone.
But I'm digressing.

Cyber cafes have grown into places where love mushrooms, sometimes culminating in marriages
(Of course, a looooooooooooooot else mushrooms in cyber cafes as well..)

There are infact more cyber cafes in India than post offices.
Woh din ab bhi yaad hai mujhe when I didnt have a computer at home, and actually paid 60-80 bucks an hour at a cyber cafe for reading my emails!

I don't know if this one will shock u a bit, but still, this is a fact: A 30+ housewife in Kolkata sold her own nude pics to a porn website through a cyber cafe!
Terrorists use this medium, so do fanatics, and so do the biggest entrepreneurs.
Wonder how many gruesome secrets(and Osama bin Ladens) are hidden in tis vast world without a government(Of crse, ignoring the fight between US & the rest for control over Internet also ignoring Google v/s Yahoo v/s Microsoft!)
They say u find EVERYTHING over the net, if u have the eye to look for it!

Do we find love?Maybe yes, I dunno.
But do we lose anything? Yes, lots too...but we dont think that way.
At a very micro level, we lose sleep, grades, concentration, morality, innocence and LIVES

But do we mind it?
Pata nahi.....
Because at the end of the day, even I'm writing this in my BLOG- a place I love, and thats so inextricably linked with the net.


I love the power this place gives me, and the ability to connect and to communicate.
I love it when I can copy assignments from the net.
Yes, it's addictive.
I CAN live without it, but I prefer not to.
I just want to live without people, i mean without depending on anyone, without trusting anyone, at step one.
Deaddiction drive!

Tab tak let the net corrupt me.
Tab tak...

Internet Zindabad........

NEVER TRUST ANYONE

I'm IRRESPONSIBLE; Everybody is responsible for me...

Somebody tell me..tell me tell me please, that what afterall do they want of me?
Aakhir chahte kya ho logon...ichha kya hai aapki? Maksad kya hai aapka?
Ho kaun aap?

Exactly the question...who are you?
Truly speaking, nobody..because nobody owns up, but everybody does...When 'everybody' is responsible, then actually 'nobody' is responsible, because it could be anybody, but everybody assumes it's somebody else.
No, I'm not being cryptic.
This is a fact.
Everybody is asking themselves, and their respective solitudes the same question these days...because we are all feeling lost at some level in a world that has EVERYTHING, yet increasingly, NOTHING.
Cheezein kitni asani se pointless ho jati hain?
For the last three days, this link has been doing the rounds, and everybody seems to be surprised/shocked/angry/hurt/scared/outraged by this, and quite rightly so. Except the media perhaps, which is shamefully enjoying the controversy, and encashing the scoop. Sure enough, TOI sucks, but worse, the attitude, their and ours, SUCKS.

We feed the media, and media feeds us...We all eat crap. The only difference is that they get paid for this!

Yes, what happened with the student was unfortunate, and as BD rightly pointed out there has been too much of unfair and traumatic publicity. At one level, you cant help but call the student foolish-you cant deny both his fault as well as weakness that led to the suicide. Degree extension is not such a rare thing! Yes it hurts, but he should be strong. Worse things can happen in life, and it wasn't as if none of it was his doing. But that's not what I want to get into. No, not even the media. I'm in too caustic a mood to give them a fair hearing.

I'm fed up with THE MESSAGE that comes out of episodes like this.
Think about the common man- the layman whoknows nothing about IIT system except what he reads in the newspapers. He's now been presented a picture of aj ki bigadti hui generation yet again, with amazingly foolish soundbites from some profs, and a convincing representation of how IITians waste public money on ONLY useless surfing in the "best" institutions of the country.
(I am wondering how much time is it now gonna take for IITB admin to shut down their LAN; they already did that here some months back, so maybe now they'd remove internet access in hostels or something like that!)

Ritesh has very rightly pointed out the futility of the attendance rule.
At one level, it's not totally stupid, because there are enough lazy careless people around who would never attend a class if they didnt HAVE to, and the 'academics' would really suffer. Their argument is that someone who's intelligent enough to be in any college(inc ALL COLLEGES-it's not easy to enter anywhere these days), will, if made to sit in the class, grasp something and learn something.
But thats where the imagination stops...because be realistic, kitni classes hum sab sote hue bitate hain. We're experts at sleepin with open eyes! Mental presence is far more crucial than physical presence. So while there has to be an effort to ensure attendance, this is NO WAY fof implementing it.
I have a prof, no I have so many profs, who just can't TEACH. They know their subjects all right, but teaching is a different art...
I ask him a doubt, he'd "appreciate" my question and give a 5-minute lecture answering something totally different.
If 'he' can't understand my question, how am I expected to understand the ones that he asks in the examination!!?!?!

I think this is class-class ki kahaani now!

To ismein bachon ki kya galti agar woh class na jayein to?
Still, we tolerate, we go to classes, but it's impossible to expect us to attend ALL of them..
Tuition fee is the amount you pay for per-semester torture services!

But life ka stress level to dekho koi..
Class, oops torture jhelo....exams assignments etc crap jhelo...parents ki suno teachers ki suno, and friends ki suno.
Aur masti bhi to karni hoti hai na bhai!

Plus this age is such that distractions, anguishes, confusions, experiences, desires, love and hatred keep coming and going.

Then people say awareness and general knowledge is important for "personality building". For that it's back to "media-devtaya namaha".
Result: Itni confusion ki sab kuch swaha!!!!

Thats why I want to ask...Who's made these rules? Why is our life no more our life?
Arey hum bhi padna chahte hain, but dont make this so tough that we kill ourselves!
IT'S A FACT THAT IF THE PROF IS GOOD, HE NEVER EVEN TAKES ATTENDANCE IN THE CLAS, BECAUSE PEOPLE ATTEND HIS CLASSES ANYWAY. YES, THE SAME CARELESS IRRESPONSIBLE HACKERS. WE GO TO A CLASS WHEN WE REALISE THE TEACHER IS INTELLIGENT AND CAN FEEL OUT PULSE. WHEN HE TEACHES PROPERLY, WE WANT TO LEARN.

But the 'them' of the society wants to kill my interest in learning. They are the ones who give me alternative distractions to kill my time with. Then they tell me I'm the cream of the society which is rotting. As if they were never students themselves.
Student population is a lot of energy personified. They waste them, or they confuse them, and then they blame them.
Parents bhi daantenge, teachers bhi.
Aur friends ke funde to awesome hi hote hain.
Us par ye "chandan sa badan, chanchal chitwan...."

Koi kare to kya kare!

We can't do much about the media, except sop giving it what it wants..publicity, and TRP(& equivalents).
We can't do much about college admins except HOPE that they'll understand.
We can't do much about attendance rules because we dont want to fail, even if we like to.
We can't do much about the inter-hostel LAN that officially doesnt work.
We can't do much about the peer pressure. There's nobody to point out.
We can't do much about profs who cant teach...except pray that they take VRS.
We can't do much about our age and our parents and our disractions. These variables cannot be altered.
All we can do is perhaps crib and complain, and then be dismissed as aj kal ki useless generation!

Gosh..I never felt so powerless.

But there's one thing I'll do. In my tiny act of rebellion, I'm NOT going to class tomorrow morning.

Inquilab Zindabad!!

Still Smitten...

I SUGGEST YOU READ THIS ARTICLE BEFORE THIS ONE...IT'S EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THEN...

Hours, days, months, years and semesters...and still the same voices. His same voice, and the same ease with which it rides over and above the din and reach my ears somehow, every single time. Almost every single time, that is. The noise of his breath, the screams of his soft footsteps, the clamour of the same old keychain in his hand, and the same eyes I can never-dare-look-into. The same him, the same me. And the same nothing. Just the voices.
I think I'm slowly turning deaf now to every other sound wave of the universe. These noises are maddening. I dont know what I want, except...
They say time is a solution to many things; it knows all and tells all. But I doubt it. Because I find even time to be helpless and stagnant when he's around. Time doesn't move, talk, see, hear...and everything freezes. Is time really powerful then? I hope yes, and if possible, let it leak into him, into his blissfully ignorant world, and let him know what I never manage to utter.
He was sitting next to me today. chance? Luck? Fate?
Perhaps..but only if something had happened! But anything-happening is defined as any-change occuring over a period of time. And here, time does not move. so the any-change, if any, is insignificant as well. Just like me.

I tried being worthy of him. But I now realise that all my so-called intelligence, dynamism, thought, planning, calculations, forethought, know-all-ness, credibility, belief, self-assurance- EVERYTHING- comes to a nought when it comes to him. I tried to be 'somebody'; everywhere else and with everyone else, succeeded to intrude the reals of existence and co-existence to some degree at least, but I could never intrude his space. such is his power, his control over the parameters of his existence and co-existence that I cannot even salvage any shreds of pride from the hope that some day he'd feel guilty about crushing my ego so cruelly today by a total refusal to acknowledge me-because he doesn't even know, and doesn't even care!
He was sitting next to me today, and time stopped. For the next thirty one minutes and twelve seconds, I could not move, listen, or talk. Perhaps the crowd around was still cheering for their hostels, there must have been applause and hootings, my friend sitting next to me might have said something to me, or attempted to restore the chatter we were into before I fell silent, perhaps his animated conversations with all his friends alluded to me as well, perhaps he.....ah, I don't know!
I just don't know what was happening till the hall was flooded with lights and celebrations , and everyone disappeared. It feels as if someone just stole a slice of time from my life; he has stolen a slice of my life itself. but still I feel guilty lke a thief would!!
My friend told me for the thousandth time that I'm foolish, that I'm totally incredibly inexplicably smitten with him.
I'm still struggling for the right word.....

CURICULUM VITAE

Does anybody know oneself? Naah, I don't think so. I believe there are two versions of us-the people we are, and the people we think we are!
Actually there's a third too sometimes, the people we want others to think we are- the kinds with which we decorate Orkut profiles, job resumes and the like...
Anyway, no further discourse here. I got to write twenty things 'about me', that's Anuj's tag, and I wish to be honest. At the same time I am scared of saying too much, or too soon.
Let's see how far can I get....

1. I'm known here as Phoenix, but I go by several names at several places. It's almost an infinite list...Mystery, Laddoo, Chuhiya, modak, True, tomato, Dee-Dee, Jhad-Jhankar balika, Sadu, photon...there're just too many. Kiddo is one of my favs. It's been one year now since this name was kept, by him on Orkut, and then it became a part of my real life too!

2. Blogging is a favourite pastime, almost a passion. (I know u know this!) It's fun, and a good outlet for whatever crap I wanna say. That's why these pages are full of nonsensical posts.

3. I need expression. I have to express myself somehow. Even talking to myself, or thinking to myself is expression for me. Coherence is a pre-requisite. I love my diary, public and private ones.

4. I like writing, esp in the middle of boring lectures, and I like reading as well. People feel I'm opinionated and aggressive. they hate me. I love them.

5. I'm confused about myself a lot, because I find myself being both a kid and an 80-yr-old interchangeably, and frequently. In the middle of it, I get lost perhaps...or maybe THIS is wat I'm. I hope this explains the confusion, but theek hai, I'm just a kiddo...:P

6. I enjoy thinking, and I love intellectually stimulating thoughts and talks. I like studying people. Nothing whets my appetite more than a good conversation. A discussion, an exchange, a healthy argument, and insight, a perspective -that's all I need.
Don't call me greedy. I know I am.

7. I don't know what I'm doing in engineering, esp IIT. and esp esp my branch. I dont know if I even deserve this. I won't say I hate all this, there is just too much to love to even begin to think about hating, but I often find myself a misfit.
A senior once told me if one doesn't know what to do after school, then it's not a bad idea to get into engineering if u can. It's so useless, yet not a bad place to live, to learn, to decide or to use as backup.

8. Several things intimidate me. Several people as well. Most of these are people I like or respect. Sometimes close friends/admired strangers are scarier than all the Gabbar singhs of the world. I am afraid of losing people I like. I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being loved.
None of this is without a reason.

9. I'm a hopeless optimist once in a while, but mostly I'm a bigtime pessimist, though I'm one of those who like to call themselves 'realists'. Pretty dangerous breed for sure!

10. One of my basic philosophies in life is that I want to go back to bed each night not-feeling-guilty about anything. Whenever I have to make a decision, I think and decide whatever the 100% of me feels is right. If I cant convince myself 100%, i don't do it. Once I do, I stick by my decision.
I know a time may come when nobody would respect my decisio-it might be horribly wrong-but once made, I need to respect and stick to it.
I hate regretting.

11. Some people call me 'deceptive'. I'm still trying to figure out what that means 100%. also if it is any good or totally bad?

12. I enjoy talking. A lot of people call me a chatterbox! Has to be genetic!! Though I don't really mind it. I say(show-off?) proudly that soem of the biggest introverts talk to me comfortably very soon, and quite a lot. I strike rapports fast.
I was once a big time recluse and introvert. Three years is such a long time.

13. I like smiling. It is a great cure. And I like people who smile. I also like guys who blush. And gals who are warm.

14. I respect time, and I want everyone to do so. Especially others; time. I hate being late. People should value punctuality. To divulge a slight-secret, in general, gals like guys who respect time, talking on a generalised scale. If u wanna get your gal, never make her wait too much. that's negative points!

15. I like making friends. And keeping in touch. One effective way for me to do that is remember everyone's burthdays etc, which I do, and wish them. It feels very nice.

16. I'm in general very stupid and very wierd.(a wierdness test recently clocked >99% for me!) But then, everyone is a little wierd anyway. Even if I'm an accentuated person, so what.
I think I'll end up in an asylum soon!:P

17. I know that I'm a big time psycho. Sometimes I freak out, and then do crazy things. I am a masochist too, though not a sadist. Anyway, let's not detail the psychotic harkatein here.

18. Yes, I have amazing, stupendous, huge, wide-ranging, quick mood swings. All girls, did u say? Do u know me? Think.
I know it's a whacky thing to say, but theek hi hai.
Though I'm trying to 'stabilise' with a low-to-moderate level of success.

19. I like adventures, music, dangerous things, observing things, debating, poetry, dramatics, WORK.
I hate to sit idle. I like keeping myself occupied all the time. I need work I enjoy, even for trivial things like studying i don't enjoy and that still need to do one night before the exam-it's a simple funda:
If u can't do what u enjoy, start enjoying what u do!

20. I dont get angry for too long, if at all, unless,..ego fight ho samne wale ki
I dont really hate anyone or anything. Thats too strong a word...but whatever!I dont like this habit, TOI, Kareena, etc etc.
I want to LIVE....till i Idie.
Hopefully soon.

Through the Looking Glass..

I am wondering whether it is possible for me to explain/allude to a theory here without it being automatically interpreted that the content matches with my personal opinion!
I seriously hope so, because in the following paragraphs I'm going to explain about two theories I've recently come across, and find them fairly interesting to give them a thought. But infact, I'm reserving my own opinion over these, and please treat the following as NOT IMHO. That said, I'd love your opinion, if any, on the same. A good discussion whets my appetite!

The first one is the GAZE theory. Follow the link to know more, but anyway, the conventional version of this theory deals with the 'male gaze', which as the name suggests deal with the men gazing at the female body- sexually or otherwise, and there are feminist version as well! I'm not going into the 'social politics' and psychology of sexual gratification that goes behind this( Wikipedia and this link(minus the 'illustrative' pics) have fairly interesting information to offer). I was thinking on another aspect, which was highlighted recently by one of my teachers in her class, which is that the whole psychology of 'male gaze' seeps throught women and women look at themselves through the male gaze!! If you've heard this for the first time, read on, because it's interesting.
What I'm trying to narrate is that because men look at women in a certain way, and there are certain definitions and perceptions of "desirability" of a women vis-a-vis thow she looks, women themselves( Freudian inferiority psychology?) look at their own bodies and apparel from that point of view, so as to be deemed "desirable" and acceptable!! That is why something like a James Bond movie, so obviously intended for a male audience with all the action, sex and women, also caters to a female audience at an invisible, sarcastic level. This is not to suggest that a woman would derive pleasure out of staring at a nude female, but there's a psychology working at another level. I hope u understand, for I don't wish to elaborate!
Interestingly, a converse theory of this is also doing the rounds, but the abovementioned links would give u a fair idea.
Anyway, please remember none of the above is my personal view or comment on the topic, and the same's true for what follows.

The second theory deals with the importance of looks! Though I already wrote a post on a similar topic once, that was my perspective largely, and this is not. It's interesting still, because, to be very brief, what this theory suggests is that the conventional/ancient/forever-present funda about 'looks' being an important criterion to judge a person was, at lst in THOSE times, justified, because it is said that the perceived beauty of a person(men AND women, though more for women perhaps) is directly proportional to the fertility of the individual! And since it was desirable to have a life partner who will be great at procreation, looks became THE criterion!
The interesting view is if u think about today's times and discuss the applicability. I don't think anyone would prefer a women who can theoretically bear 8 children vis-a-vis someone who can bear 5 or 6, because who can afford that many children anyway! Secondly, is the continuation of a generation still that decisive an issue? And thirdly, IF this theory is true(I have serious doubts but still...) shouldn't we actually ask the Family Planning Commission to take up a programme which glamourises marrying the ugly!!!!!!
Unless it hurts the cosmetic industry too much..............
:P

The Last Remnants....

CONFESSIONS!

A dainty spark adorns my eye.
The colour doesn't even leave my face.
How come you haven't noticed yet
The demure smiles that my lips do grace?
I know you know, and I know you pretend
That you haven't a clue of the mysterious charisma
But even this knowledge is all the more cute
To the magic that fills every second of my present
With suspense and drama, romance and thrill
& to the hope of a future that I see on your face
I sure would have been dead, if looks could kill!
Springs live in my feet, monsoons in my eye
While you turn on the heat, I despair for autumn
But still you continue to play hard to get
To mock at my despair, naughtily, so often!
Ah! You sadist! You derive such pleasure
when you see me writhe in love and longing
But it's OK still, if that's what pleases you
If that's all I need to do to see you every morning.
In your outstretched hands and arms spread
In your tender gestures of affection and care
In your heartbeats loud enough for me to hear
In your faintly mumbled expressions of "I'll be there!"
In the touch of your hands and the blink of your eye
You say it, your way, what our lips quiver to voice
But the hearts have already heard the unsaid.
Like everything else I know this too-trust me, Mr. Wise!
That's why this smile, this joy doesn't leave me
That's how this magic has covered my world 'blue'
You may still choose too hide and to pretend
But today I accept - YES, I love you!

JUST KID(DO)ING....

One basic fact: the most basic, ultimate thing we all want in life is 'happiness'. There are several definitions of this happiness, and there are joys big and small, enjoyed and overlooked, derived and snatched...but let me not go into that right now. This is supposed to be a fun post, and I'm supposed to be, er, well..just kidding!

It's amazing, if you think a bit, how little it takes to be happy most of the times. It's all in the mind they say! But what's even more intriguing is the all-kinds-of-stuff we all do 'just for fun'. Somehow the most delightful memories, at least for normal people, reside in those light fun moments which we spend playing pranks, teasing each other, pulling someone's leg, laughing aloud, being on adventures etcetra etcetra. It's an endless list, and invariably reminscing about the innumerable instances makes me smile.

But there's also one pertinent question that remains conveniently unanswered and ignored: that how much of something is really 'fun', and where do we, if at all, draw a line? I ask this because there is a list almost equally long of fun-instances-gone-wrong...where things become a bit too much, where it doesn't really stay 'fun', atleast for some people, where the idea of fun is reduced to a certain sadistic pleasure of enjoying at the expense of others, which is a thing we truly realise only when the 'other' is US, or where misunderstandings, fights and physical or mental injuries creep up in something that really was 'meant to be' for fun; worse still, where the fun-for-us is outright demeaning, insulting, or morally violating for somebody else, and we do it either because we don't care/realise, or because we are rather confident that the other person doesn't 'know' about this!!!!!

(There are the PRANKS that can scare the living daylights out of someone. And of course, there are the infinitely bad PJs that are fun to us, but whoever is our listener can freak out with headache. Do we stop at that? Not always...but is our definition of fun getting all mixed up with sadism?)

I'm not saying that there's anything bad in having fun, or enjoyin life. That IS infact THE AIM of life and of living. Come what may, smile u must! It has to be a constant endeavour to look for fun in simple, small things of life, and somebody who can have-fun-and-be-fun indeed has the most successful of lives in the real sense. But there is the whole moral thing again-IF one cares to care- because eventually we all live in a society with other people around, and therefore tolerance and respect is essential. Howmuchever fun it sounds to the damn-care parts of ourselves, we CAN'T really say and act on the belief that my fun cannot hurt somebody else, because it is not intended that way, and even if it does- so what! One has to be mindful, respectful and a wee bit careful. One man's fun can't be another man's agony.

But then, inspite of the fact that we all realise this, how many times do we err!!:(

It's OK to some extent within friends, as long as we are sure that it is not taken to-the-heart, because it's mostly a fair game, and we all have days when we are the laughing stock, so that it does even out(unless u r damn clever, or bossy, or damn lucky...but I feel even that is not much fun!:P) But there are limits at several places, and we should know them.

Not exactly on the point, but just to quote an instance, a few days back I was browsing the IIT LAN, and someone had put up a few pics from IITK's recent fest where our team went, calling the folder IITK_mein_photography_studapa. soem of you might have seen it, but for the sake of everyone, let me tell u wat it was, though I feel 'cheap' typing this: it had afew pics of some girl, taken from the top view, if u know wat I mean. Now I'm sure it was great fun for whoever took and saw and enjoyed those pics, but just think once, how violative an act that was, if the girl knew that? Would he have enjoyed the same had the girl being his sister, or mother?

Sorry if this sounds accusative or feminist, I am just trying to highlight how misplaced our definition of fun can be. Maybe u feel it wasn't a big deal because the gal wd probably never know. Fine. But that's not the point. It's about setting the stds, drawing the line.

Sigh! Why do I always get all worked up with my posts...soooo digressive!

Forgive me, I'm just a tiny kid who knows nothing..ur own stupid kiddo!!:D

Anyway, this post was meant to be for fun..so if u have time, check out this fun link.

EMBRACE

A creep.
Agonisingly slow, yet tangibly quick.
The shadows continue to creep onto the night, to grow upon a wasted, scared body lying invisibly cloaked in its own smugness at a certain forbidden corner.
Darkness is supposed to hide the dark and blur the gloomy, into a state of an almost non-existence, into the security of a fallacy. But there are a few gruesome myths that darkness inflates and accentuates, like shadows. And that is why, despite the darkness, they continue to grow conspicuously upon and inside him, where they evanesce into another far-more powerful, resident darkness.
The creep continues to tantalise.
While shadows percolate the pores in time, and darknesses pour into each other, the body writhes in the pain of rejection and oblivion. The forbidden corner is both uninhabited and overpopulated, both aloof and chattering and currently it is intruded by blood, alien molecules and a bereavement of speech.
And the deafeningly silent noises of a certain pair of approaching footsteps.
They didn't kill him, because they couldn't kill what really was him. What they wanted lies between his two legs, actually beneath, but he wasn't going to 'speak up' even if his throat wasn't this alien to voice. His personal darkness was too powerful. Weakened by an invisible yet allied force, all they managed was to cut off his eleven 'fingers' and throw him in this forbidden corner alone where shadows and darknesses grew into his disgraceful existence of both the present and the past that now creeps upon him. Wounds, visible and invisible, suck an undeserved life out; time seeks its revenge and sucks his self-esteem.
There's noone, yet now the approaching footsteps are almost-audibly close.
He seeks redemption, he seeks escape. But life has to be just to him; actions need to be paid back for.
Death comes, but minus an embrace.

RESIDENT EVIL

DISCLAIMER: I feel funny saying this but I need to spell this out. Whatever I have said in this post is purely an opinion, my honest opinion, probably stupid, extremely foolish and perhaps as irrational as one gets. But then I'm stupid, foolish and dumb, and that in no way stops me from having an opinion, and expressing it, at least here. BUT pls I do not wish to hurt anyone, or anybody's sensibilities. I beg for tolerance, and if that's not possible, pls ignore me as an inconsequential bit of scum, Thank you.

Are you religious?
I know this is a fairly dicey question to ask, if not outrightly absurd, but I really wanna know this: What is religion? And what is being religious? Also, what is, if at all there is, any difference between the two terms?

Of course I'm talking in the Indian perspective, mainly because that's what I'm really familiar with, but I'm NOT talking about any particular religion, in that sense of the term, at all. I refrain from elaborating on any one perspective of what I essentially call Faith-with-a-fraud-name, and let's not mix my views with anybody else's. I respect yours, and I just want a little space for mine.
Because I feel I'm a fairly confused youngster, who hardly understands life and some of the more important things there are in it. Maybe I will, with time. But currently I'm restricted with a narrow perview on most things, and I shall speak from what I observe and feel. Because last week, I suddenly felt I'm not the only one who feels lost and confused, and basically un-belonging, when it comes to domains like this. what is religion? what does being a Hindu, Muslim, christia, sikh or Parsee mean to us, or to the little kid who is growing up in a strange world where he's expected to embrace several things as HIS realities even without a choice or an understanding. We are told about religion, we are told that this book is holy, that this idol is of somebody with this name and this legend behind it, that this place and these places are holy, that these days are sacred, that these set of things demands respect, and that this defines you to the world. Even as I type this I feel again that it is a fairly strong statement to make, but isn't it then a fairly strong fact we accept as a part of our existence extremely conveiently.
I don't know what I'm getting to here, so I'll get to what brought me here. It was Diwali and Eid recently. Both are important festivals in India, and fairly significant because I feel I can use them for generalisation. Sitting in the Puja at Diwali, I feel slightly ashamed to admit that my mind was wandering a lot, away from the ritual. But there it is, I don't even know why I feel ashamed. Probably because I've grown up with something that tells me that I SHOULD. But at some level I can't connect with it. I feel helpless saying this but I always find myself arguing this to myself:

I'm not debating about the existence of God. It's essentially a question of Faith, and belief, and I don't find anything wrong in believing, or not-believing for that matter. It's highly individualistic and subjective. I can't profess strong belief in God, neither will I say I'm an atheist, but if one believes God exists, then God exists everywhere. He doesn't live in a temple or a mosque. Neither does HE demand ceremonies and "visible respect", and puja with certain things and foods. Do we remember God, 'only', or 'more', at certain days? Then why the farce of the "ritual" exercise! If it's purely ideological, how can we pas on ideologies to an individual who's only a kid yet as THE ultimate truth. Aren't ideologies 'adopted' BECAUSE we believe in them?
God to me is a faith, a self-moral-policing, an attempt at rendering FORM to your conscience, irrespective of what name we give this. It's an acceptance of superiority to thyself, and respect. We call certain ppl gods, and equally often. Gods do fall for us. Coming back to the religios sese, there's of course nothing wrong in the way this form is expressed and perceived by people, I'm nobody to decide that, but I'm sorta disillusioned by the whole thing. Yes, I accept I've been to temples, churches, gurudwaras and mosques-I don't know why, but maybe because my parents took me there, because I like the PEACE of these places, and I like the beauty of these places. But commodification and commercialisation of faith hurts me. When things become and are passed on and forced as customs and rituals, it hurts. When I hear remixes of popular Hindi songs as bhajans and watch 2 hour "religious" channels and see fashionable/painful "compulsions" of religion, I feel humiliated. I don't see any faith, any God, and any sanctity there. And I cannot bring myself to conform with the "shoulds" then.
People pray everyday, keep fasts and accept a lot of things and actions as holy, even thought they would agree with some of the irrationality that I just mentioned. At one level, that's hypocrisy, and yes, I accept that somewhere even I am a part of this. I'm a hypocrite. But in moments like these, these questions and absurdities return to haunt me.
I feel the evil is within, within everyone and inevitably a Good-vs-Bad war has to be set up, so there's the God outside, who has been benevolently given a physical presence so that we do the "good" things that we must somewhere. But as long as the evil is within, is there a point?
Is there a point in NOT lying in a holy place when you conveniently lie outside? God, IF HE exists, does He not exist outside?

Bits and Pieces

Sorry, am not making any full-fledged posts(Respite from my LOOOOOOOOONG entries, eh? don't be too glad..this is temporary!:P). Just felt like writing something, so here are a few bits and pieces.

• Last week I had won a Treasure Hunt and a Poetry competition, for this poem . that was the first time someone understood this poem! Anyway, it was a happy day, for the book I won in the T-Hunt, salman Rushdie's Midnight Children, is just great. you have to read it to believe how great. Highly recommended.
  
• Sorry to all those who thought I cracked up about the blast bit in the last post. Have a lot to say, next post, on it.
  
• Finally the festive season is over...My laziness-sorry, indolence is the word, is not.
  
• Two new stories in the pipeline of beign written by me, but it's the second one that's intrigued me, because I'm getting either under the skin of that character, or he's getting under mine! That guy's an expert on WOMEN, as in women psychology, and I'm amused at the possibility of that character. any suggestions, puhlllllllease...on wat he cd be like?
  
• Hum Paanch is back on TV. I dotn say it's the grtest program on tv, not the best comedy either, but it makes me nostalgic abt my growing up yrs, and so i just felt a pang happy. Not that I'm gonna watch it much, Just liek that!
  
• One more trivial topic...a frnd of mine-actually an old acquaintance- one yr older to me- is ACTUALLY getting married this December!!!!!!!!!!! Am I that old?:O:O:O:O Thank God, I'll be far away from Delhi when that happens...I don't wanna go there. It's scary. Goddammit..I'm just 18. and she's 20. Marriage! Gosh..ppl are cracked up...:D
  

BBye

NUGGETS....

Life's been dragging on, slow and musically, like it always does during vacations and DEAD times like these. I've been reading, sleeping and thinking a lot(come to think of it, NOTHING festive at all going on in my life, which is surprising, but then, not really). There are atleast two extremely serious topics on which I wanna write here, because I've been thinking so much about them, but I would postpone it just for now, because...

• I don't want another controversy so soon on this page. The last post was interpreted and blown out of proportion, even though I liked that.
• I can't post too much thoughtful stuff one after the other, can I? This is not a sad page.
• I've been warned against posting one of these topics..

So, let me just share a few nuggets of my life...all that's been happening of late, though not much is happening!

• Diwali came and went, but I didn't feel it. Not in the usual, expected ways. The way I did, I'll share on this blog soon. But everything has its time.
• Read this somewhere: Most of what happens in our lives happens in our absence. Haven't stopped thinking about this one ever since. It's so goddamn true.
• I, unfortunately, escaped the Delhi blasts by a chance. Coincidence u may say. Sad coincidence! I had to go shopping to SN that day. Something, last moment, made us change our decision. My relatives live near Paharganj. I was supposed to be there instead, visiting their place, since the shopping trip was postponed. I didn't go, because another of my relatives suddenly dropped by that evening. I hate life.
• I dont light crackers. Never. This time, I didnt do anything else on Diwali either. One of the most un-enthu Diwalis I remember. But do I care? Not for this. But something else. Soemthing else I do care abt.
  
• Have been reading, writing, thinking a lot. Sleeping like anti-insomniacs. And watching crap on TV. What a useless life...but not really. Of crse, cricket is a good occupation..but wat the hell...India has won everything now. What will anyone watch the remaining series for...(that said, I'm extremely happy for Dravid, and a little sad for Ganguly)
• Living away from IIT is not like life at all. Days don't even seem to pass, and the mind is pre-occupied with past.
• I used to love nuggets once upon a time.

See u in a few days...this vacation will surely be over!
Belated Happy Diwali..and Eid Mubarak.

WHAT WOMEN WANT...

There truly IS a sense of mystery and enigma linked with the women as a whole, and womenhood abounds with several of its well-kept secrets, as well as equally baffling choices and acts which are just so inexplicable, even to fellow women, but still they continue to be universal! I know it's pretty strong statement I make here, but then a
little patient thought would make anyone agree, for it's indisputable the complexity of women. And yes, despite being a female myself, I'd agree to this (ir)rationale of the women's mind. I'm not really out here to divulge too many secrets here, but just to relate more aspects which force me to think if I look at them from a disjoint perspective, keeping myself away from it.

The most conspicuous of these are the issues of choices when it comes to marriage/relationships/life partners. Sometimes, the choices are pretty baffling, even if they are relatively free from the "love-is-blind" syndrome. (In my vainest moments, I've lamented once or twice to guys who call girls brainless that I agree with this fact on the sole grounds that girls DO fall for guys and care for them).One such issue, rather contemporary around me, is the baffling number
of girls I see in IIT who have married IIT-ians! Almost all of them have married either their batchmates or a senior or something like that. And obviously all of them can't be happy love stories born in college culminating in marriage. Yet at a recent alumni meet in my hostel, every woman was the wife of an ex-IITian. which brings me to my first question- why are they so stupid? Can't they find anyone else?

And irrespective of the title of the post, it's about men as well- Why do they agree??!!?!?!
Leave the cynicism apart pls, and try to think a little reasonably. For four years or more, IIT guys continue calling every girl in the college all sorts of things, and girls have sufficient frustration and disregard for them. Sure there are the few lovebirds around, but for it to be a mass phenomenon, there has to be a deeper story.
My theory goes as follows:
1. We're at one level victims of the herd mentality, and therefore we ridicule the opposite sex as "Ah! these IITian guys!" or "These IITian gals!" just because everyone seems to be doing so, and generalisation is convenient. At a personal level though, we feel differently when it comes to individuals so statements like "all guys are disgusting, pervert B******s but X is a sweet guy, and Y is a cute friend, and Z is so decent" are equally true.

2.Even though you may argue that not all guys marry IIT gals, I believe that's more because of the ratios than anything else. I think a lot many would agree to have an IITian wife, if they have an option. Not all, but a substantial number. I feel this because of the COMPATIBILITY factor. I feel a lot of IITians do not fit in that well in the society outside, because of the 'different' ways of growing up. It's tough
adjusting to the 'outside' way of life after all u have seen is childhood, acads, JEE, four yrs here, an rigorous job schedules. I feel it's tough for IIT guys to adjust with a DU-type girl, and vice-versa.

3.The ways of thinking are so radicaly different. Understanding comes naturally in same college-same profession cases, as even practical things like adjusting to habits, language, work timings etc becomes easy.

3.For girls, it's more about a natural preference for a life partner who's superior to them-esp. professionally. As Shalabh put it, there has to be a power balance in a marriage, and one doesn't want to end up with a husband who has an ego clash with you because you earn more! For
someone from IIT, the bare minimum is another IITian.

4.Someone might say, that's because nobody else marries IIT girls. But obviously that isn't true. IIT girls are bold, smart, intelligent, mature and understanding. And for all cynics, the fact remains that you don't want a show piece or a glam doll for a life partner, do you? It's a question of life, and therefore sanity is the need. So there shouldn't be a problem, unless insecurities are a huge issue.

5.IITians are like a certain elitist section in the society, with whom every interaction has an 'aloofness' factor. But that's just a stupid idea!

Having said all this, I'm a little at peace, but still a little amazed at the extent of this phenomena...No, I'm not looking for a guy around as my life partner. Not yet.

I SWEAR.....

Perhaps the most popular words and phrases of any laguage are its abuses, and not surprisingly there are several genuine as well as invented ones that adorn every spoken language and its cousin sister!Infact the first few words that everyone wants to know about any hitherto unknown language are it's abuses....Yes, the translation for "I love you" is a distant second, and basics like "My name is..." and "good morning!" are even below. No matter how complicated they sound, and in whichever language, it hardly takes any time for them to register in memory. Everyone has their favourite few, and some have become so common that depending on place and time, there'll be some words noone would ever notice were an abuse.
Again everyone has their own innovations and improvisations, like aidoneous's three-state automata and Mani's arbit improvisations. There's also this art of "writing" down abuses in a way where u do not exactly say it, but everyone knows what u mean. Use the "strike" HTML tag, call it "an obscene four letter word" like him , or use strategic asterisks like me, him, him and so many others- the choice is yours! But in all cases, it mostly always brings a faint smile to my lips while reading!

I think abuses would also rank high on the list of words we use without knowing, or caring, what the real meaning is...Not to be taken literally is the key, but the feel, the effect, the PUNCH...is what really counts! Some sentences almost feel incomplete without an abuse, though of course this does vary from person to person.
No wonder, one of the most popular songs this year has been this by Zeest.
For those who use it a lot, especially students who stay away from home in hostels etc., I guess one of the biggest practical problems faced are to control the "natural flow" when at home , or in front of parents or profs! I know of people who almost can't finish sentences without at least two 'censored' words, and there was a time I grew so used to hearing them from all the guys in my group all the time(of crse among themselves[:P]), that my ears used to miss the sound at times!!!:D Initially, there used to be a time when they didnt know me much and actually used to come up an apologize if by chance uttered an unspeakable word! That apology bit used to be a little embarassing to me, to be frank. But later, everyone got used to it.

Personally, I dont abuse much...hardly actually, and sometimes
I feel so angry at myself, as well as handicaapped, because I feel like venting my anger and frustration out somehow, but cant and dont. It's the case with most girls actually, for very few of them do swear, atleast in public. Speaking for myself, I feel greatly pissed if a girl loudly abuses in HINDI, because curiously enough hindi abuses sound so so so much gross as compared to anything in English. So I cant tolerate atleast girls in Hindi. With guys you can say I've become rather used to it, so it doesnt matter much. I'm pretty comfortable oif the guy is, and if thats hw he speaks. I rather feel uncomfortable when guys speak under the breath and in conscious nudge-nudge-wink-wink camouflaged language, suppressing words just because "there are ladies around!". It's best when ppl are themselves-even girls, and therefore I do not disapprove of anyone speaking their mind out, of crse appropriated to place and time. It's kinda fun calling all men B*****ds in all-girl meetings!

The best option, when it comes to language, if you have the luxury, is to abuse in your "mothertongue"-by which I mean a language that people around do not understand. The person being abused may or may not. Sometimes though, this does irritate the 'audience' in for a juicy audio-visual treat, but I've seen that often the audience too enjoys the addition of a new word to vocabulary.[:P]

Some little facts I was wondering about are these....
1. We often use names of animals as abuses...Isn't "human" sometimes a bigger abuse!
2. why do "females" form so often a part of abusing...as in ur sister..... and ur mother.....why always drag females!
3. Why do some abuses become "chalta hai" after some time of use, irrespective of meaning?

OK, no more Q/A sessions here...just tell me..wat's ur favourite abuse?
And yeah, pls don't give me one now!

A BROAD RIMMED PEAK AT GLAMSVILLE....

If you’re from Mars-no, that’s too close for this planet-if you’re from Jupiter or saturn or somewhere thereabouts, and landed up a few seconds ago on this planet as an 18-something youngster, you’re excused. Otherwise, if you still are an 18-something youngster-rather, dump the 18, if you’re anywhere between 10 and 70 and you are NOT deaf and dumb and blind at the same time- and you haven’t heard of the terms “fashion”, ‘glamour’, ‘style’, ‘trendy’ and ‘cooooool’, and you do not manage to update yourself within 15 minutes about the latest trend in town- you’re a totally useless, outdated, antique (no not antique, even antiques become trendy in some seasons) freak, and you’re well-advised to book your ticket back to Saturn ASAP!!!!

That’s the message that flashed in front of my colour-blinded eyes and humbled mind the last time I visited a few college campuses in Delhi!

I was wondering why Jassi took all the pains of going to Mauritius and spent on expert advice from expert advisors all over the world when our own GenNext here could’ve flooded her with expert tips on the trendiest overnight transformations! The most shocking example I personally witnessed was my “friend”, whom I’d gone to meet in her college. She was so unrecognizable that I almost walked past her, and had I not heard her familiar voice (thank God she still retains that!) call me out, I’d have never got to meet her! All this when she’s the same girl I spent almost every minute of the last two years of my school with! But that’s exactly the point-she wasn’t the ‘same’ friend. Something had transformed the simple, sweet, straight hair-salwar-suit girl (mmm….what was the term she said…yeah…”behenji” type of a girl) into this cooool, aggressive, permed-plus-streaked-hair, torn jeans kinda creature!! (If you ARE from another planet, voila, you might just be reminded of someone back home!!!)

I’d have probably stared at her with dis-belief and a half-open-mouth forever, had I not been distracted by the tinkling bells in the long beaded hair of her friend standing next to her who was trying to (as I realized later) give me a “Hi-fi”. At that moment I guess I was too overcome with emotion to manage anything more than a plain general Hello! Her friend gave me a disgusted snigger and walked away(in a strange kind of walk I later learnt is called ‘moon-walking’) but my friend was quick to explain..

“Oh! Don’t mind him…He’s just….”
“Him!!!!!” I thought that was a……Forget it!
“Gee,,,look at you. Two years and still the same boring hairstyle. And for Heavens’ sake, why do you still wear these huge awful black spectacles!! Get a life, dude! What HAVE you been doing in this college all this time?”

And then I looked around. It wasn’t her who was different-she was just one among a whole population of tattooed “colorful” students around us- it was actually ‘me’ who was different. Yeah, probably I belonged, and do belong, to another world altogether, for wherever I went that day, I was greeted with the kind of stares normally reserved for someone who’d walked in to attend a top-level Board meeting with his bathrobe on!!!!

Never before had I realized that my disinterest in the Page-3 and Fashion segments of the newspaper, in FTV and MTV-style on the TV, my lack of recall for the fashion-designer of everybody-who’s-somebody in bollywood/modeling world, and my disinclination to spend any more than a day on getting dressed up was such a big deal!! You can’t imagine how much I learnt in the two hours- lotsa words, oops lingo, like cooool, hip, happening, yo, etc; that I could actually wear my favourite jeans that I’d sadly kept aside because it got torn; that wearing T-shirts and tops with unequal sleeve lengths(or no sleeves/ spaghetti straps) is happening; that all the redheads and blondes that I saw around weren’t actually redheads and blondes, and so on and so forth!

I was astounded when I did a quick mental estimate of the amount those people must be spending only on cosmetics and tattoos and haircuts and bleaches and clothes and accessories, but thankfully figured out soon enough where the money came from- the students around me carried less than one book per person in their Rs. 899/- only embellished Ebony bags!I had a few more practical queries to shoot, like didn’t their heads and ears and waist hurt with the headbands, huge danglings and ulta tight jeans, but I was quickly labeled a 16th-century-nerd and made to shut up.

And I realized shut up I must, because I suddenly realized that the bug has bitten not just the college going youth, but EVERYONE- be it the aunties who watch other aunties on television who wear full makeup even when they sleep, or the so-called metrosexual men, or the Versace-stuck uncles…

Back now from the enlightening trip, I think I’m gonna book my tickets for Saturn s soon as I finish writing this one. Anybody willing to give me company?

I got company!

There are some times that are dark, really really dark. There are some stories that are dark too. This is one. And I'm writing it because I wanna put it on record that I've been stupid. But also, that I wasn't myself-perhaps. It's past now, but some moments are really scary, especially from hindsight. It's like going to the verge, to the extreme boundary; it's like pushing the limit. I like the term "strain hardening". Though I had learnt it as a part of my technical education, I like interpreting it my way. Pain makes us tougher, stress increases stamina, and difficult times help us cope up better with life. No, this is not a story of pain. Pain isn't a tangible thing to most of us. To those who it is, it is too obvious, too omnipresence, too omnipotent, and so much of a "forever there" thing, that it doesn't matter.

Read this.

You don't write about obvious things-part of the routine- do you?I don't. I don't write about glass bottles breaking all the time; I don't write of obscure chemicals in the lab;I don't write of stainless steel and how it's strong and corrosion-free and ductile so that you can make so many day-to-day objects like blades and knives out of it; I don't write of trivial things like water and ropes; I don't write of the heights and depths. They're trivial to me, inconsequential. I write only about the moment; I write about the last wish; I write about the happy histories and the sad past; I write about the unsaid and the unheard; write of the unspoken facts, of the dying angels and of the heartbreakers; I write about myself. Yes, that's it. I'm a narcissist. One day I'll die because I'll fall in love with my own reflection in water and die from the frustration of incompletion-just like the Greek legend. But it will be far that day. Death is my bride. It's awfully sexy. I feel excited. But I must be patient. Because I have too much to do before that day comes. And more importantly, I'm not that lucky.

I'm sorry, for being hasty. I'm sorry for doing what I did. I'm sorry for hurting when I shouldn't. I'm sorry for being deceptive, and not being deceptive too. I'm sorry for being funny.

But you know what, I'm not really sorry. I'm too vain to do that. I'm just making things up, trying to befool whoever sits up there. Please be befooled. I know I'm gonna do that again.
I know you won't believe me. Nobody does.

But there has to be a way out. It's about just a little time. And then, there'll be the ultimate completion. The end, or the attainment. One day. And no, now's not right. I'll consummate my love, but not now. It's not adequately hideous.

.............An extract from somewhere........the diary of someone who almost decided to commit suicde and didn't, 21 times, and then thought death hated her. Then suddenly she fell in love with someone. Her life became good and happy. The day before their marriage, she was killed in a road accident.

As far as I know, it's a true story. Her diary has been published after his death, haven't been able to locate much content, but it's said to be scary. I love psychotic people. I read this one and a bit more and found that life is so complicated, so funny, changes so much, scares so much. Hits THE low, comes back till you get a high, and then everything disappears from under the feet. I'll try and glue the sole of my shoes now. I'm scared. :D

P.S. If you found it too vague, sorry, I guess it is, but i found something there so posted it when i saw it.

If you are reading too much into it, CHILL.

I'm reminded of the Exorcist now. That movie has never managed to scare me. Obviously, no other horror movie has, either. This is close. I'm excited.

Read this after my Death...

(An old one...Dug it out from a personal diary)

"Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am in the thousand winds that blow.
i am in the diamond glint of snow.
I am in the smile upon your face.
I am in the happiness you embrace.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die!"

Other than the Half-Truths...

Perhaps nothing's sweeter than the sleep a few mins before one has to wake up...

Somehow, it's much easier to wake up bang in the middle of the night/morning, say around 4, when one has been sleeping for a few hours, and then suddenly, one wakes up-fully alert- for no apparent reason at all. And then, it becomes so painfully difficult to go back to sleep. So for hours one lies in the darkness, thinking rubbish, waiting for sleep to arrive, fully possessing the agonising knowledge that the same missing sleep is sure to refuse to leave you a few hours later when you HAVE to get up! :(

Anyway, there's only one thing I like about these "breaks"....One gets time to think on what one likes!

Though sadly, the few of the consequences of those thought processes and sleeplessness that I did put on this blog in recent times have led to me being labelled over-excited, pervert, and so so many things..(Click the title for example!) But, chalta hai! I'll write whatever I feel like, but yeah, nothing's gone really wrong or abnormal with me puh-leeease..

But I'm what I'm...so even if nobody can figure that out, that remains the truth...actually, only half the truth! I was just wondering, thanx to Vibhor (who I guess has become a pro at food-for-thought-exchanges!!), a conversation with whom prompted me into the "thought mood", that aren't MOST things we believe to be true, are actually half-truths...because, a lot many times, something is always missing. What I mean is, is "truth" a function of perspective? And before I get to my favourite theory of "Everything is relative", this aspect of "perspectives" and the hidden halves of truths intrigue me. Like in the previous post, the fact that bothers u most as a reader is what the half-truth was(and everyone neglected the PAIN in the post...god! Sex sells!!:D ) Life is a half-truth...even lies are semi-true, for sake of the moment and the purpose, they're true...

It's a grey world...blacks and whites scare me now. And what's amazing is we all know this, but inspite of that we often conveniently label PEOPLE as black or white, and equally conveniently develop our "truths" about them...only half the truths.

We look at an individual, and no wonder how much we get to know him, most of the times, it's only half the truth. We look at a house, and it speaks something to us, but it conceals more. We read books, watch movies, and absorb some of it as the creator wants, and some of it as we interprete, but does that define the ultimate of art. Ok I've spoken enough crap, but in the end, EVERYTHING to me is suddenly appearing as one thing- only half a truth, at max.
THE CONCEPT OF TRUTH IS A FARCE!

Ok, and before people crucify me for a serious shit post again which nobody can understand, here's more food for thought ...
# Days and nights, that literally define and decide existence for us, are transient and temporary, and differ at different places even at the same time. They're not the truth.
# Desire is but a manifestation of our stubbornness, or ego. We never know what we REALLY want, but still pursue desires all our life..setting our own parameters, our own truths. They're not truths.
# Everyone holds, forms and 'suffers' from opinions. They dictate lives to huge extents, but thet're not truths.
# Relationships, emotions, the "forever" feelings-love, friendship, repect etc- none of these are permanent. They continuously change and evolve in meaning and character. Emotions often become antagonistic to themselves. They're the pillars of our lives, but not truths.
# If you're reading this line, you might have read everything above this. but if you claim yes, just ask yourself, is that THE TRUTH?

Having said that, I'm NOT saying that all this is a plain lie...it's just incomplete, it's just, half the truth!


Life is a battlefield of half-truths!

Lagi hai bheed aj kuch aisi mai-khane mein
Lagta hai gam bahut hai zamane mein
Hai dard ke do ghoont har kahani mein
Aur maut ke do ghoont har paimane mein...

HALF-TRUTH

The bed-sheets are crumpled. The pillows are still wet with passion. His distinctive odour pervades in the room. The door is shut, the curtains are drawn, but currently they do not conceal anything. Because there is nothing.
Emptiness.
But, that's only half the truth.

The night mocks at me from outside the window. The lone flickering candle mocks at me from inside. I lay on the floor, unclothed, by the bedside, in waiting; the bed, the clothes, the aroma in the sheets- they all itch against my skin. Every inch of my existence feels incomplete. Shadows from yesterday fall upon my abandoned body. I hate their touch; I blow the candle away.
Darkness.
Everywhere.

The 3 a.m. breeze whistles past the house. It is slightly chilly outside; I am very cold.
It is a silent, serene, peaceful night.
But that's only half the truth.

I hate it
when you lie to me.
Because your eyes don't
Your face doesnt
Your hands, your breath
Everything but your tongue
Doesn't.

They tell me
You're trying to lie.
and you continue trying.
While I try to understand-
Just why do you need to lie..
about anything, to me? And then
I hate myself.

STRAPPED!

NOTE: The LoveGuru slot L lecture has been discontinued for some time. Here's presenting something differemt in lieu of that!:D

Straps are so inconvenient. They probably have managed to survive so long only because strappy dresses are oh-so-much sexier than the rest!
"Less is more" is fashion's prime diktat, and straps seem to serve that objective well. Sometimes, they facilitatae an exhibition of the best while providing still the much needed life-saving support to the crucial apparel that hangs below, hiding what must be hidden! Occassionally then, they hit headlines if that apparel happens to be a skimpy blouse of a dumb diva ornamenting the gentleman's game.
Mostly however, they are buried behind layers of clothes and modesty and therefore, until one strips, they remain stripped of any glamour!
But still, they continue to cling tightly to the body, pulling at it at several places and hurting the delicate and supple skin, and sometimes even gifting it with cruel red rashes. They're fine when they tie around the body visibly-the sensuous feel can make one fall in love even with the self- but barring the security aspect, there is no reason why a strapless off-shoulder or backless version of the attire is not way better!!!

But MOST of all, straps are inconvenient-rather LOATHABLE- in delicate moments like these. Moments when the world has shrunk to the half a millimetre between the neck and the caressing lips, the entangled hair and the stroking hands, between the sighs and the deep breath, between two hearts beating faster than the speed of the light which struggles to percolate between the two hands whose fingers have lost in each other. The lips gently touch, wet, caress the back of the earlobe and slowly move downwards. The body beneath convulses with pleasure in tandem with the sensuousness of touch. The drama is heightening. The kissing pair reaches the shoulder, threatening to plunge to greater depths anytime. The movement is slow but steady; the clothing yields too. but then, something obstructs the smooth path of eternity-the flow breaks, the harmony stutters. The lips separate from the body.
Aarrrrrggghhhhhh!!! the strap.............

TWO TO TANGO!

Everyone, and I mean, abso-bloody-lutely everyone on this planet, who's existed for longer than 60 seconds, has heard of the word "love", though not necessarily has a knowledge of it's meaning or depth, but let's not go into that! All of us are way too familiar with couples deep in love, and a very good perspective of the same can be read Here in a superb post by Abhinav, but anyway, that's not what I intend to talk about tonight...[;)]
Tonight I'm gonna present Phoenix-the LOVEGuru's very own super-special funde on the various types of couples, and their respective properties!!!

We've all seen them all, they're our friends, foes, acquaintances, neighbours, classmates, the hot guy/chick next door with their lovers, or they are US ourselves....but have you ever tried to classify them into kinds and types and classes or something? Here's my take...

The Ghar-Ghrahasti Type: Simply put, this the typical husband-wife before marriage type of a couple! You've seen them, haven't you- couples who have a family-feel to their relationship, where each partner is assigned certain routine jobs( personalized equivalents of cooking and cleaning and shopping), one of them keeps track of their finances and spendings, the other of their social equations, and they're caught nagging on the most trivial of issues...Ah! the joys of marriage!

The Bollywood Reignman(and woman): This is the Heaven-made union of an ultra Bollywood inspired gal with a tinseltown crazy lad, where both of them have spent their childhoods and adoloscence eating, sleeping, drinking and dreaming of Bollywood, and hence, their idea of love is almost a running-around-the-tree, dancing-in-the-campus routine! The drama in their lives is amazing, trust me, and everything is accompanied with a high voltage ACTION! and a background song to team up! The relationship is full of gifts, roothna, manana, happy songs, sad songs, the 'other' one, and wat not!

The Coochi-cooing Twosome: Yeah, the too-close-for-comfort(of others ofcourse) this often irritating(to em at least) breed of couples are the ones who can sit together on less than one seat, hold hands (and..........) 24 hours a day, see pink and mush in everything in life, and can cry at the drop of the hat(or even a flutter of the same). Their relationship features less of love and more of the idea of obsession with love.....Add the "jaanus, dearest sweethearts and things likë that" for effect! Prominent trait: Over-possessiveness.

Shy, but why? This is the sweet smiling shy couple, about whom the whole world knows that they are seeing each other, but they are so recluse about it as if it's a huge secret. Of course, it normally belongs to the shy reserved type of people, where the "YES"might have taken upto a few years coming...The chemistry is amazing, but also amazingly funny. Sorry, i dont mean any offences, but for a third person observing, the half smile and the half shut eyes and the half hesitation with which they half approach each other half the time is sshhhooo chweeeetttt as well as so funny! Lots of secretiveness there, but yeah passions too. A genuine advice if u identify with this one is to be a little more expressive and open within each other..greatly helps!

Ultra Bindaas : This is the fun types, where best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends are equally close! The people involved belong to a specific breed too, to understand which, IITD junta have the advantage of imagining someone cool and bindaas like him and a bindaas tashni bandi(u know who,I wont name her) , while others need to exercise their imaginations a bit, and now imagine a cool group to which they belong(and continue belonging, unlike other breeds where couples do not belong to any friend groups other than their own!) and are good friends with EVERYONE else as well...Of course their own chemistry is distinctive and fun, with little qualms about ANYTHING, and life is fun...There are little ego hassles sometimes, and breakup is public gossip!

(IITD junta(girls, and GUYS too) pls dont misunderstand. Amol is still single and AVAILABLE, to the best of my knowledge!)

The Senti and the mental: This is the long-distance foresighted, largely serious "committed"type of no-nonsense junta who create little fuss, and invest a lot on care, sentiments, "mental"chemistry, long term planning, trust etc etc in their relationships. Breakups, God forbid, are extremely painful. But yeah, they need a dose of practicality sometimes!


There are another one or two loose categories, but I guess the time-slot for this lecture is over.
See you in the next Slot-L class!


P.S.1. Doubts, if any, are welcome in the comments section(but pls do no ask me to put myself in one of these categories, invalid question!). It's advisable that you clarify them asap, because if u're too careless or too late, u might just flunk the surprise quiz/tutorial/home assignment, that me-the loveGuru will soon setup for u!!!![:D]
OK enough, this professorship is not for me...let Shalabh keep that to himself!!!! ;)

2. This discourse is valid strictly on bisexual couples. Gay and lesbo couples with similar EQs may derive analogies, but strictly speaking, the rules do not apply as it is!

COINCIDENCE

Ever wondered the kind of impact "coincidence" has in our lives?

Coincidence- the chance factor- things that are said to have just happened somehow the way they did and at the time they did! Everyone knows coincidences happen-afterall they happen with everyone- and mostly we accept them with a variable mix of reactionary surprise, scapegoat-hunting frustration, agony and joy, and move on. But come to think of it, it's not really that hard to realise that these so called coincidental happenings do very often impact our tiny lives and feeble thoughts in a considerably important manner-so much that I almost want to take the liberty of claiming here that the whole of this world is a coincidence in itself, and that the fact that the phenomena of coincidence is called coincidence, and hence often interpreted wrongfully trivially, is a huge irony in itself! So many things, so many important things happen to us and around us based on, caused by and aided by simple coincidences that the realisation itself is pretty overwhelming.

Several of our friends are our friends because of coincidence. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time! It was a coincidence that two people were alloted the same rooms/wings in the hostel, and eventually, they became the best of friends for the rest of their lives as they got to know and like each other better, inspite of the fact that when they first met they were as much strangers for each other as the others around them. It's a coincidence that someone read out exactly the same concept/question on an impulse five minutes before the examination, and it appeared in the exam and he/she aced it. He saw her in a crowd once by chance and was immediately attracted to her. Knew nothing about her at all, and soon she was lost somewhere in the crowd, though her memories weren't. And a few days later, she turned out to be exactly the girl in the pic his mom was trying to show him to convince him to marry the girl. Love, and life, so often, is brought about by a series of coincidences. It's when so many things that could have happened didn't happen, and had little probability to happen or last did exactly that, that the maze of coincidences is woven and life entrapped. Or perhaps released, from the monotony of existence!

So many smiles and tears in our lives have been products of coincidence. Be it the innocent little laugh we break into when we just "happen to" say the same thing at exactly the same time with someone, or the exhilaration when you just made it to the last bus of the night reaching there a split second before, or be it the disappointment that ruined it for us when two or three things cropped up at the same time 'by chance' without notice and made us cancel/forget something more enjoyable, we've all been through these experiences. Some of you might be reading this only because you reached this page as a matter of coincidence, today or a little while ago. Infact a lot of my friends in blogosphere are people who landed up on my blog, or they on mine, purely by chance. Yet, it is a hardcore reality today.

Call it fate, chance, luck, destiny, whatever you wish. The best word is still Coincidence.

This world is a coincidence.

Not all coincidences are pleasant, but neither is world, and neither is life. Coincidence is something even providence can't account for, coincidence is Someone's way of telling us...
It's meant to be!

Zindagi ittefaq hai...Kal bhi ittefaq thi, aaj bhi ittefaq hai!