STRESS*STRAIN=ENERGY LOST :(

What kind of a stupid life has it become all of a sudden?
Fine majors are near, but they start from 4th right. Why the hell do i feel that it's major exam(or more than one, more often than not) everyday that I'm giving, yet dying with unease that inspite of screwing up every paper, I still have five majors to go?
O cmon..what fun do our Profs get out of these dozens of quizzes, lab tests, vivas and other crap all in a bulk right before the majors!!
Everyday I've giving some quiz or the other, and screwing up everything too..but still i don't seem to be getting everywhere. Today's elec quiz was probably the worst of all, in sync with the qualities of the professor of the subject, and the structure of the paper. It was the second quiz in three days, and we guys need to spend so much effort making head and tail out of elec that with that amount i'll get A's in every other subject :((
and then, when u see the quiz with 20% paper out of course (topice he is supposed to teach tomorrow!! :o), u just freak out. And to tolerate all this after four hours of foundry workshop was too much for me I guess.
Just imagine what i did:i simply slept off in between..suddenly woke up and walked out after five mins...that was 35 mins before the quiz was scheduled to end!!
And now, inspite of it being a Saturday tomorrow..we have classes..and Ihave a stupid physice lab to attend, which incidentally has its lab exam on monday.
and ya, the worst part, we have three consecutive lectures of Elec in three days-Sat, Mon and tue(for a slot A course!!!) And elec major on Wednesday!
Phew!
My brain is short-circuited!

ELASTICITY!

Why does everyday have to end up like this? Every single day, no matter how hard i try, eventually I end up like this-with a feeling of being completely exhausted and spent!

I feel completey enthuless, dead, disappointed, depressed and lonely-at least most of the time. for no particular reason at all. And then the next morning I'll again wake up fresh with a rejuvenated spirit, lots of zeal and tolerance. and a determination, that i'll go to bed the same tonight. But it just doesn't happens. It's almost as if there's a bucket of the "spirit" inside me, that is filled up at dawn everyday and empties itself drop by drop for the whole day, till there's zilch left.

A friend today postulated his hypothesis for my strange disease. According to him, I keep spreading smiles and positive energy everywhere I go all day, so that by the end of it I am only left with the negative anti-vibes of what I have distributed, and the tensions I've collected.

Whoa!!!:O

What a theory?

Obviously he was trying to be nice and sweet and polite with me(like a good friend) but I havent heard a more absurd hypothesis than this. If it were true, just tell me dear where does all the tension and negative enrgy disappear into the night. Is it some magic or what?

It's basically just yet another attitudinal problem of mine. at times I try too hard to ne happy, and at others I'm just as usual frustrated with something. Have to do somethign about my temper yaar.I'm just too outspoken. If I'm hurt at something, it immediately shows on my face. Just fought with a friend because of this. It was an innocous comment, and i know he didnt mean to say what it sounded like, but I have to throw tantrums. I'm so foolish, stupid and disgusting!!

I know I'm gonna say sorry to him tomorrow, because by then my tubelight would switch on and I realise my foolishness.

Hey, probably it's just that Mother Sanity the fairy visits me only at night.

This hypothesis makes more sense to me than the first!! :))

Anyway, just to give a "technical" conclusion to the thing, I guess I'm a completely elastic materia, and I undergo plastic deformation during each impact and regain my natural shape soon after, with no energy losses. The only grievance, i.e. imperfection in the engineering model is that my impact times are too large.

:((

Funtime!

Life seems fun!

Of course one may ask that with majors so near, how can there be time for fun in life? Especially when I have spent most of this sem gossiping or sleeping in the lecs, and I have almost zuk idea about most of my courses...

But this is what makes me different, and so stupid...

I'm craziness personified!

and that's why, it's actually fun time for me!

When tensions run high, that's exactly the time I become the most "wela" person on earth and waste time in the most incredible of ways!!!

The most common is leave my own course and go around solving everyone's doubts, irrespective of time,course, year. That's something I enjoy too...so it's fun!

And then after each paper I'll curse myself, but that's almost a universal phenomena with the student community of this world..

Pretty surprisingly, I'm the most useless during exams days, when everyone is busy. There're hardly ppl to gossip with, and no cultural activities. I usually do a bit of thinking and writing, and a lot of nothing!!

While on this topic, i'm reminded again of the lecture my prof gave me an hour back.It was our last tutorial class for the sem, and my prof also happens to be the associate Dean of our insti. He suddenly started with a huge moral dose of how cultural participation is absolute bakwaas,how studying and slogging is THE most important thing, how IIMs won't take u unless u get an upper-8/9 type of a CG, how seniors in our hostel who tell us that cultural and sports participation helps build personalities are all bigtime liars, how non-serious students we are, blah blah blah...

He was looking directly at me half the time, and i was wondering whether he was annoyed with me because I was there all the time at yesterday's event, and he too noticed me working on and around the stage.

To top it i almost laughed at his face when he said, "dunno why i find so many Chemical and Bio-chemical people at all the hostel and insti posts?" Calling us "poltu", huh? :D

The only good part about the whole initiative from him was that he ate up a lot of our time, and our quiz(which the TA had to take) didn't happen!

Now there's a lot of elec to study,and teach, too much course, too many quizzes, and I dont think i should start on my "like-aa-mean" great prof who gives us I-mean-like such cool lecs that i have no words to describe them !

ciao

Commitment?

Phew... I guess I have never handled so many frustrations in a day then yesterday...
And i guess everything else would have blown over my head, had it not been the major organizational goof-ups that plagued our house day yesterday, and simply ruined our efforts...
It was pathetic let me tell u-inspite of the fact that our content was not bad, and had everything come off well it would have actually been appreciated....
But then stupid things just have to happen. I was compering, but how do u expect me to give my best in the scenarioespecially when the sequence of events gets altered every 100 seconds during the show, and nobody knows whee the participants for the next program are..
There were 2 very silly things that happened:
One, a matki(M. Tech.) comes to us 5 mins before and sayd i wanna dance...we say fine, a 5 min extra programme wont do us any harm..and she dances on "dhoom machale" wearin a suit, and with proper kathakali steps, and some attempted break- dance
i was gigglin at the mike imagine!!!!!!
The other was actually sad, because my frnds had prepared this very awesome dance9like generally good dances from the gals' hostel are like :P)
But somethin happened to the cd,and the backup had the wrong "edited version" of the song copied on it-havin extra beats and all..
The event was the bst one, and had to be scrapped!!!
Controlling the audience had become so tough then..

All this makes me wonder what is wrong with our attitude,including myself...
Where the hell is our commitment disappeared? Why do we still not consider the hostel's, our home's and our friend's work as our responsibilty too, to some extent?
Why is everyone plagued with this silly habit of working only when there is no choice left,either because it IS our own designated responsibility, or else if someone shouts over our head all day and it becomes a compulsion?
And imposing compusiond is never a solution. People do things, and do them best, only when they enjoy it. and it is something that has to come from within.
I spent nearly two whole nights and an afty, missed all my dinners and lunches...workin for the presentation and stuff, but seriously speakin i dont even feel i have done anything, because i had this from within that i had to do it, and i liked doin it, as simple as that. However when it came to some other jobs i was stpidly "assigned" byt he senior, even half an hour seemd too much, and i simply passed it on as soon as i cd. Of course i had the excuse of the loads of work i already had, so nobody said anything..but when i think back, I feel so ashemed of my own attitude.
and therefore I have no right to blame ANYBODY for any mistake, or question anyone else's attitude, when my own commitment is questionable.

Indeed, not till i have given more than my 100%, and i know there's absolutely no right of mine to say anything, and to write such cribbing posts.......

God help me plsss!

It's so sick!!!

If you're wondering what the title was talking of-in one word, it's "everything"...
Including me...infact me first thing...
God knows why I find myself doing only sick things these days...
When i'm supposed to study, considering how beautifully i've screwed up my second minors...I spend an entire day watching a match that India loses omprehensively, where even Rahul Dravid didnt last too long(though it was satisfactory, he's also human) , reading a novel i dont really like...and just plain thinking-the sickest part about which was that I have, or had, no idea of what i was thinking.
It happens too many times with me for the last few months now...It's routine for me to be doing nothing, and I actually like it, but this cluelessness abt nothingness is new and irritating

On top of it, things are going sooo wrong these days...esp today...

First i had those crappy lectures in the morning, then my treat was cancelled...then in the evening i had the first meeting of my club as a representative...Now I'm pretty serious and enthusiastic about my new job, because i love the work, even though for strictly "poltu" reasons i was never enthu about a formal "post".Anyway that's history It's something I wanna do, and do well. but my senior rep told me the time as 5:30, thouh it was actually 5:15. on my part i reached at 5:25, thats 5 minutes before time, but obviously i was late. Everybody must have thought I'm so irresponsible, unreliable and disinterested, especially Shalabh, my secy. I hardly know anyone there, and for the remaining part of the meeting, whatever was left, it was all so awkward and unpleasant.

On top of that, there are so many things in my head, so many things that are worrying me like hell!!!

Posters, lab tests and quizzes add to the fury anyway.

And see, this is what I end up with...a sick post.

God save me!!!

The Political Chapter...

Politics, or "poltu", in popular lingo, is a very dirty word. And like all evil things, everyone who's into it derives exceptional pleasure out of it. Infact the deeper you are, the more fun it seems, and the more difficult it is to ever imagine getting out. It can make you both famous and infamous at the same time. It's probably the only thing I can think of at the moment that can make you enjoy itself as much as you repent it, simultaneously.

Poltu season in my college is barely over, and though I was expecting a lot like this to happen, eventually I must say I have seen more filth in 24 hours than I could have imagined. Without being specific or accusing anyone, one thing I must say is that it's absolutely bewildering the level to which people can stoop, just to win an election!!!!Just to see their name on that bloody board at my hostel gate, or the one in SAC. Soem of it, may be understandable...afterall, politics as they say is a dirty game, and nothing is fair in poltu and power.

All said and done, it's only introspection that's left. I never wanted to be a part of this whole muck in any way whatsoever. And even though I'm still not involved, unfortunately I cannot even say I'm totally away. Mainly because I now hold a certain post, which i didnt really want, but circumstances were such that......anyway, I never had a problem with work, or responsibility. It's just the power play i wanted to avoid. and the only real manner in which I now find myself "in" is an effort in the counter-strategising of a certain horrible aftermath of the whole procedure that I better not name here.

All that apart, i still cannot help wonder what lures one to overlook one's own conscience, morality, friendship, indeed what not....
Greed, money, fame, power......
I still dont know?
Isn't the ignominy of defeat way better than a victorious bonfire over the pyre of scruples.....
I atleast think so...dont know for others....

Moral Science:The Art Of Living....oops..PJing

I was thinking of some serious topic to write on in the opening post of this new blog...something I really feel strongly about...but at the moment all that comes to my mind are PJs-good, bad and really pathetic PJs. Of course one could ask what the hell is a good PJ! A PJ itself is a poor joke, and not only is the use of the two adjacent adjectives gramatically and logically incorrect, no amount of thought investment can give me a comprehensible reason behind the usage. Still, almost everyone I know understands and uses this term very frequently. And of course, that's not where it ends....

There are types and types of PJs....plus everyine has their own classifications in terms of level and class. Perhaps no one here pays as much attention to the secondary occupation of studying the notebook in hand while "group studying"(outrageously popular phenomena, ultimate aim unknown to me, yet the best method for total timepass and bakaiti during majors and minors) as to the primary occupation of "uchhalofying", "counter-uchhalofying", analysing "uchhalofied" goods and pleading against "uchhalofying" (needless to add, to no avail)!!!!!

Honestly, we have come to the situation today that I dont think I have heard anything being called a "good joke" and being genuinely appreciated/laughed at ever since I joined this college.
Almost everything is a PJ, and something that makes a lot of ppl laugh is simply a good one.

PJing then, is an art. Invariably, every hostel, every department, every cycle and every friend circle has one or two "uchhaloo" elements...the undisputed kings of PJing...who get everyhting from applause to abuses to sandals to the unbeatable fame of being the most arbit ppl in the Insti. What sets them apart from the average Tom, Dick and Harry is a set of skills, both acquired and inherited....

One of which definitely is spontaneity and quick thinking. The reaction time needs to be quick to be able to come up with the most momentous comments that make everyone giggle.

Of course the Ps of patience, perseverance and practice are all very important to attain perfection.

And oodles of tolerance too, for there are bound to be a number of occassions when noone will find you funny, and you shall invite some amount of public wrath (just how much depends on your luck and the depth of your latest "uchhaloed" item; I say depth because it's certainly met a crash landing). Also living up to the reputation of being a Bakaiti Major can be more difficult than living up to the reputation of being an IITian, an engineer, your parents' child, your Prof's student and your senior's junior.

So hail to all those who have the guts to do it, and the talent to do it well....


P.S. I hope atleast someone does NOT find this post to be a major attempt at "uchhalofying" myself....I'm still naive, a beginner. And I plead the arbit janta to appreciate my attempt to help out people like me with some useful funde at the great art.

:D

Diaries....

Well, diary writing has been a regular habit since quite a few years now....I have six filled diaries lying safely at my home in the top-left corner of my cupboard at this moment...three diaries-the telephone diary, the poetry diary and the personal diary lie at my hostel table this moment, and another couple brand new ones, that I'll fill with some more words soner or later.

Why then have i turned to this public diary now?

***still thinking***

Really dont know....
but i guess I can do with the variety :P
and also since I have spent 120 seconds now in choosing a name and creating the blog...i guess it should do :)

********

So I welcome myself to my diary........cheers!!!
(Glaring example of my self-centered thought and speech...
I ME MYSELF )