How to Lose A Girl in Twenty Steps

Everybody knows men have a short concentration span. I imagine it would be a Herculean task for them to listen to any girl at a stretch for more than 60 seconds, and I've some sympathies for that. Thankfully most girls understand this too, so a little bit distraction is OK. But, but, but, why do guys do such stupid harkate sometimes? As in, maana it's impossible to understand women properly, but it seems it's equally impossible for guys to use some basic intelligence while dealing with women!

Remember this, and remember this properly: Women are weird.

The art of winning over women is rather tough, and requires plenty of intelligence and tact, and luck, if I may add, but I do not give "How to Win a Girl in Twenty Steps" lectures for free. [Contact me for timings and fee details on this advanced course :P] What I do feel like blabbering about in today's class, are simple ways to lose a girl in 5 minutes. So if you are looking for ways to avoid that particular dumbhead crazy about you, or an excuse to breakup with your girlfriend, read on. Read on too, if you wanna know what NOT to do if you wanna keep her, unless you're immensely lucky and she's immensely stupid.

ONE: Sometimes it'd be apparent that she's spent some time in dressing up. Maybe it's a special occassion too. If you want, you can notice a new dress, carefully made-up hair, a sparkling face, something different. But don't ever praise her, and better, talk of everything else that's beautiful first-up. Or best, mention that you know her dress is new, and DON"T praise it. You're sure to put her off for the rest of the day.

TWO: When she's looking at you from right across the table and talking, DON"T look at her. As in listening is anyway impossible, but don't even pretend that you're interested. Suddenly talk of something else that's totally unconnected and excites you.

THREE: Never smile when you say a Hi when you meet her. Don't even make direct eye contact. As far as possible, leave without a proper goodbye. She'd be dead sure you're seeing someone else!


FOUR: Don't remember any birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines' Days etc. Explain her often the futility of wasting memory on dates. Then remember and wish her best friend on her birthday, without being told.


FIVE: Don't pay attention if she looks ill, or says she is. A headache is a lie 80% of the times, so remember this truth and ignore her completely as an attention-seeking tactic. Never probe too much.

SIX: Always be the first one to leave, or to begin the departure process, at the end of a meeting. Make haste when you don't need to, and remember Step 2.

SEVEN: Chivalry died in 18th century. Feminism is capricious propaganda by 20th century women who could never find a men for themselves in their life. Being a man=deciding which movie to watch, when to sleep, what not to listen, having a right to forget, and giving her a handkerchief when she cries(avoidable...girls start to feel nice about guys who wipe their tears that sweetly; try "Now stop crying. It's enough". She'd even stop immediately.)

EIGHT: Never ever ever be punctual.


NINE: Prove that your family is better than her family. Call her bro a jerk, her sis as hotter than her, her friends as silly.

TEN: Whenever possible, compare her with your ex-girlfriend. Actually, any girl would do, but this one works best. Remember to give her improvement tips.


ELEVEN: Do not pick 50% of her calls. Do not reply to all SMSs and emails. Claim you're busy often, than at some other time tell her how many things have you been doing just to kill your time. Girls have good memories.

TWELVE: While eating, call her clumsy and ridicule her table-manners. Tell her "wait let me feed you, you don't even know how to eat properly."

THIRTEEN: Tell all your friends to call up during a time when you're alone with her. Keep doing something on your phone every ten minutes.


FOURTEEN: Never ever take any hints. Don't hold her hand when she's dying for you to. Ignorance is bliss.


FIFTEEN: Point out body odour, unkempt hair, un-neat eyebrows, a nailpaint that doesn't match, etc.

SIXTEEN: Never say "I love you" or You're good or I'm happy with you or yucky feel-god things like those any often, unless they're extracted from your mouth. Why give unnecessary kicks?


SEVENTEEN: Suddenly stop doing what you've always been doing together. Break the routine, change is good anyways. Stop giving her routine reactions and statements (and chocolates and things like that).

EIGHTEEN: Meet more often in groups, or with friends. Or run into your friends often. Make sure she's left out of conversation frequently, especially with private jokes. What have girls got to do with mens' things anyway?


NINETEEN: Take special interest in her friend's distressed love-life. If she even appears to cringe, tell her she's being jealous and over-possessive. Question her if she's talking to another guy or been somewhere without your knowledge, and justify yourself saying you trust her, and it's only a matter of complete honesty. I know you're not a hypocrite, but what's the harm in pretending?

TWENTY: Break, or spoil, or better still, lose whatever gifts she's given you. Make sure she gets to know this...


~Love Guru


DISCLAIMER:

NONE of the above is a result of personal experience, and thankfully so [:P]
I'm rather lucky, but a lot of people around me are not. Or maybe they are just stupid, so far!!