Vacuum-II

(continued from here)

He was right when he said that eventually the moments, the memory, the nostalgia, the pain, the loneliness, the real you...it catches up and then you can't run anymore. As I got to know him more I got to sense some of his pains, his fresh wounds, his undying love for her, his hatred of himself for letting her down and losing her...all this was there, and his eyes weren't opaque anymore either. In the translucency of those eyes I understood a lot more than what was said, and I knew unless he stopped and faced himself, the facade would consume all of him. He had to stop and let the pain pass through him before it caught him, and somehow it was my job to help him realise that. He was right, the memories eventualy get to you. Today I almost feel the same sensations of pain and helplessness I had felt then when I wanted to help a friend. I miss him.

Is dil mein yaadon ke mele hain Tum bin bahut hum akele hain

It wasn't as if I was the one helping him. I was just the one pointing at the problem and the solution, both of which he knew, both of which lay right before he eyes, both of which he didn't want to see. He was the one helping me by being a mirror to my life at points. He was the one who helped me be strong and faced things in my life. He was the one who helped me be courageous enough to go ahead and fall in love.

I never admitted it to him, but there were moments when his eyes became perfectly transparent and reflected my life, my thoughts, my unshared secrets, my complexes, my pain. I never admitted it to him, but laughing with him on inane things, quietly sitting by the side when he sobbed in silence, being a part of the frenzy weirdity myself in his world, in all those moments, I had chosen to trust him as well. I never admitted it to him, but he was my best friend.

And then, like all things, good and bad, that phase came to an end one day. The hows and the whys are almost irrelevant today, nothing I want to remember for they were absolutely trivial. Just like that, one day, it was time to move on. He knows he can come back to me whenever he needs me, and that's enough. Just like that, life had become happier, peaceful, busier, farther and now I had no space in his world either. And I didn't feel bad about it, for it wasn't bitter, only natural. I didn't even feel worried anymore for she is back to take care of him, and for her poise and her loving heart, she is among the most adorable people I know.

I felt...almost nothing. I just missed him. Still do.

Aa jao laut kar tum ye dil, keh raha hai...