Mr. Money

I am Magic.
I can't buy happiness, but happiness can't buy me either.
I can't buy you friends, but I can buy you better enemies.
I can disappear in trillions from economies, and yet have exactly the same number of bills floating around.
Everyone wants me, yet I can never satisfy a lover. :(
I am never enough!
But the truth is, my friend, I am always more than what you think you need.

Not too little, not too much, not just right either

It is relatively easy to ward off extremes when you need to. In any case it is relatively simpler to decidedly label them dangerous and unbalanced, to choose with certainty whether to adapt to the extreme style, or the stay-away-from-extreme style. 0's and 1's are fun too, sometimes. Somethings in life can work in that binary mode, sometimes for the good too, but all other times, when you've decided to stray away from the end-points or are forced in the grey anyway by an induced sense of judgment, an apparent need for balance or by the simple unacceptability of one and unattainability of the other. Whatever be the reason, more often than not, the rule is to avoid the extremes. But that is the simple part, or implicit then is the need to find the balance, the optimum on the infinite points between 0 and 1. As one can put it, the need to find the right shade of grey.

This threatens to develop into a familiar philosophical question of right and wrong, morality and subjectivity, so let me steer the conversation to this one bottom-line: That if it's not too much, and not too little, it doesn't yet mean it's enough. Obvious, you'd say. False bottom too, that one, for it drills down that long deep hole, where you do not know which way to steer to get to the "right" place. Where do you go?

Khair, I know there are no easy answers, and I'm not looking for any either. I just know I'm in that place in the middle where balance is elusive and extremes remain frightening. I like the idea of not doing anything at all a bit too much these days, and holidays have firmly established the "inertia of rest", which I'm hoping to finally snap out of tomorrow. But not today.
This despite the fact that plenty interesting has happened of late. Lots of nice people have just turned up from somewhere or the other. Doc has returned from US. I met sweetheart Arpz (love you!) and also Ted (after long) not too long ago. Yashshri is in Delhi. Shantanu is getting married in three weeks and he even invited me, though I can't go because my cousin is getting married the same weekend. Other than all this, the placement madness, albeit at top gear, is not as maddening as I'd feared it would be. I even have shortlists in the two companies top of my list. And studies are okay too, despite my missing almost all classes these days. Just have to submit the paper soon and my project would be calm. And I'm just back from a decent break at home, with lots of sleep. So, bottomline of the rant is that most things are fine, good, yet something doesn't feel okay.

Which is why I snap sometimes, albeit temporarily. Gripped by fear or numbness, silence or hysteria. Short-lived, but intense. Do not know what it is. Two nights ago, it was panic though I was perfectly silent and calm outwardly, because dad wasn't feeling well and had a bad case of indigestion late in the night. Four nights ago, it was numbness, when I did not understand how to feel, how to act, how to think. Last week, it was pain, silent again, but entirely unreasonable. And sometime ago, it was irrational hysteria, draining away all my confidence. You get the picture, right? So I just stay silent now. It's the only thing that comforts, and also, hides the Fear. The lack of reason in my life is apalling. I've been called emotional, hysterical, over-dramatic, impractical for the nth time of late. And it's all true.

I am downright stupid. Sue me.

The hour before dawn

There's something magical about the hour before dawn. The night is cool and dark. The breeze resounds the inevitability of the passage of the time. Silence is no longer noisy as it was a few hours ago. It is the hour of clarity, of listening to oneself, in clear whispers. Even silence listens quietly and intently to its voice. The tears have dried up, the hysteria died down, and the fatigue eased out. The aura of truth and depth is all-pervasive, even seeping into the dreams of those who sleep, for sleep is the deepest at this hour. This aura, this truth is utterly fragile, for soon the darkness will be drowned in a bright chaos, and the silence swallowed by a fresh bag of highs and woes. Soon, it will be tomorrow. But for me, the beauty that lies in the passing of today is unmatched, for life, after all, is best understood only in its passing, backwards.

I do not know where I want to be tonight. Here, where I am is good enough, because I already am here. Less alone than I thought I was. Less vulnerable than I could handle and more comfortable with the darkness than I ever am. It is so still it manages to put all turbulence to rest, allowing me to sift pain from faith, cracks from trust. It cleanses, and promises to disappear with the dirt as it metamorphoses into dawn. This hour signifies hope to many. To me, it is a source of strength and conviction, that turns up with just what I need, from within me. That liberation envelops me into a comfortable sleep, so I can allow dawn to sing me a fresh lullaby. The only wish that remains is of a little rain, so I would not wake up with salt left on the cheek. But that's too much to ask. The hour helps me forgive. The days will help me forget. And the nights will keep the guilt as the keepsake.

As I walk chasing shadows and as I lie on my bed chasing moments in my head, I run into myself. As the moon disappears, a smile reappears.

This hour is sheer magic; it cures.

Pure is deep

The more intense an emotion, the more personal it is.

Some nights...

...I wish I could just disappear.
Cleanly, soundlessly, as if I never ever existed.

Unhappiness

There are few people, a certain kind - a small minority, hopefully - that are just plain unhappy people. As opposed to another at the opposite end of the spectrum, the people who are always happy, find something to cheer, and smile to sleep more often than not. The unhappy people, on the other hand, are doomed to forever search for the dark cloud above the silver lining, doomed to find something to cry to sleep about every night. They are suckers for grief, so much that even others' grief easily flows through and resonates in them. They are good shoulders to cry on, because they're always looking for shoulders.

Nothing is ever enough, ever all right. Happiness by definition is transient for them, a treasured impulse which possibly can't last more than a few nanoseconds, an impulse they are doomed to run after and try too hard to keep. They survive on being bitter, on self-pity, on guilt. The drama is good. They think. They feel. They suspect. They whine. And they repel happiness, the same thing they run after, because they do not understand its true nature.

They're dangerous, because they contaminate every aura they intercept. They just carry the negative energy around, until the day they have dissolved themselves in their own worthless tears, until the day their personal seething fires have burnt them.
They're attractive, like Danger itself.
Thank God not all people are like them. But what is saddest is, they're who they are, to a large extent because of their own choice. Such a waste.

Being PM

I was just reminded of the times when we were young and had to write those essays on "If I were the Prime Minister of India", or something to that effect. I don't know if they still have those kind of homework exercises, but if they did, this would be one of the apt answers:

If I were the Prime Minister of India right now, I'd be really confused and flipping a coin to decide what I should concentrate on.
Whether the alarming terror situation in the country with recent flurry of blasts in the cities, or the alarming external security situation, with Pakistan and Nepal growing more volatile by the day.
Or, the global economic meltdown and focus on minimizing its loss to India, its stock market, its industry and its banks.
Or, controlling the surging inflation in the country.
Or, about the grave floods in Bihar affecting over a 2.5 million people.
Or in Gujarat and Orissa.
Or, the farmers in Vidarbha.
Or, the drought-like situation in many states where water-sharing is an issue.
Or, work for restoring peace and harmony in Jammu and Kashmir. Heal a wounded part of the country.
Or, control insurgency and bring back peace in the North-east.
Or, focus on the rising crime rate in metropolitan cities.
Or, act against the heinous communal acts and forced conversions and reconversions in Orissa. Bring back peace between the Hindu and Christian communities.
Or, work to preserve the GDP growth rate which looks like slipping below 7%
Or, work to establish a fundamentally strong economy.
Or, work to promote education at the grass-roots of the society by ensuring free primary education, a bill that hasnt been cleared in four yrs because the States dont want to foot the cost.
Or, build more higher education institutes and medical colleges(IITs??)
Or, bring nuclear power to India and setup the reqd infrastructure so India can meet its energy needs.
Or....
.....
.....
.....
....

Dream job, anyone????

This isn't a critique on anyone's performance, just a sentiment that comes through grabbing the headlines every morning.
India, such a marvellous country!

Jaago Re!

Here's an issue really close to my heart, something I've repeatedly talked about in previous posts on this blog. We need to vote. All of us. Every single person eligible, must vote. It's much more our national duty than a national right. If we do not vote, we have no right to celebrate or curse our democracy, no right to complain about the "system" and no right to wish things would change for the better. Every single vote counts, and in this respect, the Jaago Re! One Billion votes initiative is something I think each and every one of us must support.
And act on.

India needs ten minutes of your time. Spend five minutes today, register, and help spread the word. And five on the day of the election. Make a responsible choice. Trust me, every drop makes a difference. Do you have ten minutes for your country?

Let's stop making excuses. It is not cumbersome (check the website to bust some common myths about registration and voting) and it is not futile. Please.

This happened one day...

One beautiful day, while he was waiting at the crossing...
His eyes stopped at her.
She was looking at him too.
Their eyes met briefly.
He tried to remove his gaze, to look elsewhere.
Still he felt her eyes upon him, fixed and staring.
He wanted to look again, but was afraid of finding her staring back.
It was time to move, he began ahead.
She turned behind him.
He moved forward.
She followed.
He moved forward.
She still followed.
He knew she was following, and tried to move faster.
She kept up.
He tried to escape, but she was still behind him.
He moved, she followed.
And this went on and on.
Until finally, he was forced to stop.

And give her a one-rupee coin.

Change-VIII

Caught in a cyclone, we wonder
where the turbulence was born
and where it will die?
Swept by the waves, we dream
of the centre to where we're sucked
where we'd fall and lie.
We look around, for a hand
that we'd waited for all this while
to hold and pull us back.
Solace comes, too little too late
and mostly from the unloved straw
washed down off the track.
Among jitters, as the earth rocks,
the ground slips by the force and hunger
of gushing swallowing water.
We wait with Faith, for You
while with the knife of time,
Change, continues to slaughter.

Waqt rehta nahi kahin tik kar
Iski aadat bhi aadmi si hai....